Superboy: Remote Possibilities (Patreon)

“Hey, Rob, you got Control Freak’s remote control in here?”

Tim didn’t look up from his microscope. Titan Tower’s science room was usually Cyborg’s exclusive domain; he relished the opportunity to have it to himself. But now would be the time Kon would show an interest in radio waves or ectoplasm or whatever he was on about now…

“Yeah, it’s over in the case over there…” Tim waved his hand in the vague direction he recalled it being in. “We’re running some tests on it, trying to find out if it’s all technology, if so is it alien, if it’s a channeling device for some kind of metahuman power Control Freak has or maybe just Dumbo’s feather all over again—”

“But it, ah, changes channels, right?”

“Yeah, and brings TV shows to life and traps people in TV shows and nearly killed everyone who canceled Firefly…”

“I know, I can’t believe we stopped him either.” The case was locked, but Kon used a little tactile telekinesis and it popped right open. Wouldn’t want to bother Tim with finding the key when he was so busy. “Well, laters.”

“Late—wait, why did you want—” Tim saw that Kon had already flown out of there. “Show-off,” he muttered, getting back to his analysis.

Considering the diverse number of soil types in Gotham, where nearly every neighborhood had its own variety, it was incredible how few kinds San Francisco had… how did they ever solve crimes when Fisherman’s Wharf had the same soil underlying it as Lombard Street?

***

Yeesh. Tim was even long-winded when he was distracted. Kon plopped himself down in his easy chair and unpaused the movie. Thankfully, the remote worked on this brand of TV—he didn’t have to use the controls on the box like some savage.

He fast-forwarded. We’re The Millers seemed like a funny movie, but he only wanted to laugh so much before he got to the scene where Jennifer Aniston stripped.

His thumb padded the fast-forward button again and again, trying to hurry things along. “C’mon, c’mon… say what you will about Showgirls, at least it didn’t waste anyone’s time…”

He thought he saw some clothes coming off. Kon stabbed at the Play button, but his thumb hadn’t learned the remote yet. He hit another button. And suddenly…

***

Kon’s eyes shot wide open. Jennifer Aniston’s tongue was snaking deep in his mouth. He shook with need—as much as he was getting, he wanted more.

Jennifer broke the kiss and came away from him, leaving Kon wide-eyed. “You feel that, Kenny? What I did with my tongue?”

“It’s Kon,” he muttered, still in a daze recalling the talented tongue that’d been between his lips. That was what being kissed by Jennifer Aniston felt like?

“Kon,” Jennifer said, evidently enjoying the look on his face—it didn’t feel like a particularly smart look and Kon tried to compose himself. “Show Casey what you learned,” she said, gesturing to Emma Roberts.

Kon’s eyes really bugged out, seeing Emma sitting next to him on this—couch he was on? And punky and barely legal and blonde, her eyes smoldering with attitude as she pulled Kon in for her own kiss, as if eager to find out what Jennifer had just tasted.

As Kon kissed her, his mind whirled. It was like he was… in the movie, in that scene where Rose and Casey taught the annoying Narnia kid how to kiss…

“Wait, hold on,” someone said, and Kon turned to see whathisface, the Daily Show guy, setting down a bag of chips and taking out his phone. “I wanna get a picture of you with the first girl you ever kissed.”

Kon looked down at the remote still in his hand in disbelief. He felt his face with his other hand—finding the gritty stubble he took such pride in and a jawline that no little English bitch could ever have. He seemed to have taken Kenny’s place in the story, but without the characters noticing anything.

Of course they hadn’t. They weren’t real people, after all, just personas acted out by… actors. They had to be more like those holodeck characters in Tim’s fanfic, the one based on the sci-fi show so lame that they never used the thing for sex!

“Get in close,” Daily Show guy said, “photobomb it!”

Both Aniston and Roberts pressed in against Kon’s body… Casey into his front and Rose against his back… both noticing without noticing that his body was much bigger and more muscular than Kenny’s. They seemed to approve, judging by the disbelieving touches he got along his biceps and abs.

“Kon, have you been working out?” Rose asked, again seeming to assume that he was the same person as the Kenny she’d known.

“Make a muscle for me, big man, let’s see some ‘cep!” Daily Show dude quipped. Kon wouldn’t have thought anything could kill the kind of hard-on Emma Roberts and Jennifer Aniston could give him… or rather, Casey and Rose… but Ted Lasso was about pulling it off.

He looked down at the remote again. He thought he’d seen… yes, there! ‘Delete’.

He pointed the remote at Ted and pressed it. That was it. The guy simply blipped out of existence like someone had spliced the film reel. Here one moment, gone the next.

Kon felt a little bad for him. Dude kinda reminded him of Ted Kord, who’d always seemed pretty solid…

Rose looked around. “Where’d David go?” she asked, though she’d been looking right at him when he went.

Kon guessed it was another quirk of being in a movie. She didn’t show anything like the panic you’d think would come from someone in the same RV being erased from existence. It was like she could only conceive of things within the script that’d created her.

Which made Kon wish he’d used the remote while watching a porno, but then again, her character was a stripper. She had to know how sex worked. He wondered how far he could push this…

After all, he had rented the Unrated cut…

“He… had to go find a charger for his phone,” Kon said. “Hey, could you show me how to do that thing with my, your tongue again? I didn’t quite catch it…”

“I think you caught it fine,” Casey said, sounding a little out of breath. Of course, unlike the character he was playing, Kon knew his way around this girl and that.

Kon thought fast. “But how do you keep from coming too soon?”

Rose laughed. “With the little church girl? I don’t think that’s going to be a problem…”

“She is a redhead,” Kon reasoned.

“She is a redhead,” Casey added, looking into Kon’s eyes like she was considering dyeing her hair…

“Well, you,” Rose looked to David before remembering he wasn’t there. “You think about baseball, taxes, things like that—I don’t know!”

“Yeah, not getting a guy to come has never been your MO,” Casey quipped with a naughty little laugh that would’ve made Kon’s erection smack against his belly if it’d been loose.

Rose shot her a look. “Stripper, not hooker. “I’ve had more hot meals than I’ve had dicks in my ass, so unless you can say the same—”

“This is helping,” Kon said. “I think if I can hold back while you two are having a catfight, I can outlast anything the chick from Castle can throw at me.”

Casey looked at Rose in confusion. “Melissa’s from Castle? Is that in Maine?”

Rose sighed and shoved Kon back in his seat. “Okay, Kon, let’s get down to brass tacks. You don’t want to embarrass yourself with this girl, so I’m going to give you an entry-level, junior high level of… stimulation. If you can manage it for a few minutes, you’ll be fine. Now lean back and relax…”

“Oh, you’re going to give him entry-level on purpose,” Casey said. She still hadn’t forgiven Rose for stepping in and inserting herself into the lesson she’d been giving Kenny… that is, Kon. Especially since she was just now noticing how built he was under those dorky clothes.

Which weren’t so dorky now, with the ripped jeans and the Superman T-shirt. Even the comic book shit wasn’t that nerdy these days…

Rose didn’t back down. She gave Casey her own bitchy look, surprised and displeased that the girl hadn’t backed down after she’d staked her claim on Kon. Did Casey think she had a shot here? That Rose had lost her edge?

“I’d let you have a go at him, but he needs to be ready for Midge, Barbie’s Best Friend, not Jenna Jameson: The Early Years.”

Kon groaned. This was what sucked about modern comedies. No one ever moved things along, they always had to do a thousand improv bits first. “I’m leaning back! I’m relaxed!”

Rose unzipped his fly and opened it. His rigid erection snapped free, swollen and achingly throbbing.

Casey blinked, aroused just from looking at that gorgeous hard-on. Maybe all she should’ve told Kon to do was whip that snake out and he’d have Melissa ready for anything…