Taylor Swift as a 600-mile tall giga giantess (Patreon)

There was an article that came out earlier today saying Taylor Swift had the most CO2 emissions of any celebrity, and it inspired me to do a little thing about Taylor as a 600 mile tall giga-giantess. Story below:

Taylor Swift is the world’s biggest singer, in more ways than one. The megastar has been using unknown means to increase her size to massive heights. Her preferred size as a giantess is a towering 600 miles tall. You may have seen her striding above the skies, with her head high above even the upper atmosphere. “I don’t need to breathe anymore,” Taylor said in a recent interview. “I’m an actual goddess now.”

Much has been made of the destruction wrought by Taylor as she walks around the country, and the world. Entire cities have been flattened under her feet, and cataclysmic earthquakes have topped countless buildings. Over 200 million have been confirmed dead, with far more missing, although authorities are still trying to make an accurate estimate of the total dead. The true death toll is incalculable, but some speculate that it could be as high as two billion, with entire cities being wiped off the map. When asked about human cost of her actions, Taylor said the following:

“So what? I like growing huge. Why should I care if I step on a few million people here and there? If they’re not fans, then I could care less about them. And if they are fans, then they should see it as an honor!”

When asked what made her decide to grow in the first place, Taylor responded, “I have to do a lot of traveling, and it lets me get to my concerts faster… if the cities are still there, that is! There’s nothing more disappointing than walking all the way across the country to go to a concert, just to realize that you accidentally stepped on the city. Oops!”

Although the US and other countries initially tried to stop Ms. Swift with military force, including nuclear weapons, they quickly realized that weapons were ineffective. Even when Taylor was at normal size, she seemed completely impervious to injury. Since then, the global community has settled for a strategy of appeasement. “We’re living on borrowed time,” one general said. “The best we can do is try not to make her mad and ask her to try her best to avoid cities when she’s walking around. It’s Taylor’s world now. We’re just living in it.”

Another issue is the staggering amount of CO2 that Taylor exhales while giant. Taylor Swift might be today's pop princess, but Yard's research found that Miss Swift is the biggest celebrity CO2e polluter of this year so far. Taylor has amassed a vast 22,923 minutes as a giga giantess– 15.9 days. Quite a large amount considering that she is not currently touring.

Her average time as a giga-giantess is just 80 minutes, with an average of 139.36 miles per walk. In a single minute at that size, Taylor exhales an average of 66,886,041 tonnes of CO2 per second.

Her total breath emissions for the year come in a staggering 1,533,228,700,000 tonnes, or 306,645,740,000 times more than the average person's total annual CO2 emissions. That’s 425 more CO2 than the entire world’s annual CO2 output, and has already caused a global environmental catastrophe, with severe droughts and deadly heatwaves.

Taylor Swift responded to a request for comment. “You think you’re going to guilt me into not growing so big? I’m a woman, and I get to do what I want. Yeah, I might wreck this world, but so what? I’ll just make a better one.”

Taylor refused to explain her cryptic comments, but some are speculating that the singer-songwriter could be truly omnipotent. New religions have sprung up to worship her, with existing religions losing adherents to the Taylor cults at an alarming rate. The Catholic Church has discarded most of their existing teachings in favor of worshipping this new goddess. As Pope Francis said, “I was raised to worship a god that I had never seen, but now I worship a Goddess that I do not need faith to believe in. Who could doubt her divinity?”