How things have been lately 💜 [Mental health] (Patreon)

Hey everyone,

I've been thinking for a few days now about whether or not I should post an update/word ramble like this with how I'm feeling but I figured I should. You are all such a big part of my life and I've always been honest with you on this journey.

This last year has been such a roller-coster ride for me and I think I'm only just realising the effect it's had on me. This is the first year where I've taught full time, through a pandemic, alongside creating audio content on a pretty regular basis. I started both my YouTube channel and Patreon during the summer where I had so much time to create and never anticipated that I would end up where I am. It's absolutely insane and overwhelming to be where I am now.

It's the end of the school year and I feel so tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. I have built up a pretty high stress tolerance over the years but this has just wiped me out. This last month has been especially tough for me and I'm only just realising that maybe my mental health hasn't been the best of late. I'm not very good at recognising when I need a break or when my mental health is taking a dip, I only notice when I 'combust' in a manner of speaking. I'm not proud of it. I wish I could be different and be more in tune with myself but I guess the events in my life have lead me to keep going until I can't because that's how I've survived in life so far.

Working pretty much two jobs has taken its toll and although I'm proud of how much content I am able to give to you I'll never feel like it's enough. When I miss mental deadlines for things or forget things or get knocked off my path by something unexpected I feel like I shouldn't have a Patreon because I'm not good enough or efficient enough at all times. Some VAs are lucky to be able to create audios as their main job and although I know it's different to my situation I still feel like I should be hitting that same bar. I should be better. I have too many issues in my life, I'm too emotional, I take things to heart too much, one little thing or comment can throw me off for days and I still have childhood/ongoing trauma I need to address. Maybe if I can change all of these things about myself somehow, I will finally be worthy of this ethereal community. This is my dipping mental health talking. It's been like this for a little while now.

But something’s changed. Maybe part of it is because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now as school breaks up this coming week, it could partly be because it’s sunnier now and everything doesn’t seem so dark, but I feel lighter. I can feel myself shaking off this heavy blanket of sadness and hopelessness. I don’t know about anyone else but there’s a moment for me, when coming out of a mental dip like this, and I feel like ‘oh, yeah, this is what it feels like to not be sad’.

I know why I’m better. There’s not a doubt in my mind of why I’ve been able to come out of this so quickly (compared to previous times) and it’s simply because of you guys. I read comments, messages, the Discord channels.. I stream. I tweet. At every corner you are there. Your voices are so kind, compassionate, funny and loving in every direction I turn and it’s too loud for me to ignore. You validate me every day and help me to tell my brain to knock it off. You support me in more ways than you will ever know. You make my life 1000x better just for being here with me, in this community, and I find myself thanking the universe for bringing us all together.

Because of your support I’m almost out of this mental headspace. I can see the light. Because of your support & love I’ve been able to work on myself, dream as big as my heart wants to and think about my future. You make the biggest difference to my life and I hope you can feel that. Thank you for giving me the chance to grow & be happy. Thank you for being patient and understanding.

I have lots planned for the summer and I think the thought of being able to give back to you so much is helping me too. I just can’t wait. I love making content for you, truly.

If you made it this far then thank you for reading. I feel so positive and strong and ready to start the summer. Take care of yourselves for me and I’ll be around with some content soon. I recorded something in a place very close to my heart for you that will be going up shortly.

I love you all. Thank you for listening. Thank you for everything. Always talk about how you feel to others. 💖


~

I'm going to leave this link here. This is a list of global links and numbers of support - if you're suffering and waiting for a sign that you should ask for help, this is it. Please take care of yourself. 💙

https://checkpointorg.com/global/