bullshit-free online dating (Patreon)

I wrote this article and now I can't figure out how to pitch it as "not another online dating advice article." I think it's a good and useful article that's at least more funny than most of them, but I don't know how to put that into a pitch.

Any ideas?

I ruled out online dating in my mid 20s when OKCupid’s list of recommended people was almost exclusively people I’d already dated or people I didn’t want to date. But by my early 30s I really wanted a life partner and I’d kind of run out of dudes. Sure, I could have taken up a new hobby and gone to some different bars, but I had moved to Staten Island. Commuting suddenly took up the small amount of free time I had and I had no interest in dating the guys I met in the bars of Staten Island. So back to the internet I went, but this time I had no time to waste. I was on a mission. I had no time for lying, no time for games, I didn’t even have time to get angry at dudes who sent messages like “nice tits.” I put the app on my phone so I could message people while I commuted. I adopted a brutal inbox triage system. I made my profile as honest as possible and anyone who thought I was too weird, or too much, or clingy for wanting an actual relationship, could move right on. I hoped they would move on. I wanted them to be scared off. Because I didn’t want them to waste my time.

In just a few months, I was madly in love and, three years later, I still am. Everyone I know hates internet dating, but once I adopted my no bullshit policy, I had a great time. Here’s what I learned.

Have a photo that looks like you: I don’t understand why I have to write this, but I do. Humans are shallow creatures and we make snap decisions. Sure, some people will look past your photos and you can get them interested with your profile, but why make it harder for yourself? Have a clear, attractive, image that looks like you as your main profile photo. Don’t be wearing sunglasses. Don’t be in a halloween costume. Don’t be posed with your possibly more attractive friend. Don’t take a photo from a terrible angle or in shitty lighting. Just show people what you look like. There’s no specific way you have to look. Just look like yourself. One component of dating is being attracted to each other. Date people who are attracted to people that look like you. That said…

Don’t get too hung up on looks: Pictures aren’t always accurate and someone can have great charisma that doesn’t show through on a snap shot. I’ve never been attracted to Kevin Bacon in a movie, but I nearly swooned when I met him in person. That’s an extreme example but it applies to people who aren’t movie stars. Don’t dwell too long on photos. If they seem like you might be attracted to them, check out their profile.

Be honest in your profile: This is, I think, the most important part. There is a toxic myth that you should try to be a certain kind of person when you date. That you should project what a person wants until they’re in love with you, and then they can get to know the really you and how “crazy” you are. THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. This is like lying in a job interview; it doesn’t matter if it gets you hired if showing your “true colors” will get you fired in a few months. I pretended to be “the cool girl” for years. I started relationships with sex, and pretended not to have feelings for fear of scaring off the guy I was dating. Those feelings came out eventually, and those guys ran way, because I was dating the wrong guys. “Cool girl” is just another word for doormat. You can’t get your needs fulfilled if you can’t say what those needs are. 

If you want to have a relationship, don’t date guys who don’t want to be in a relationship. You’re not going to change your mind, neither are they. Don’t date someone who doesn’t want the same things you want. More importantly, don’t date people you don’t want to date YOU. And I mean all of you, not just the “best” parts. Pretending to be something you’re not is an ok (if douchey) way to get laid, but if you want to have an actual relationship, you’re going to have to put your crazy right out on the porch where everyone can see. If they’re the right person for you, they will say “Oh man, that’s exactly the kind of crazy I’ve been looking for!” Everyone is crazy in some way. Everyone is weird. Everyone has parts of themselves that some people don’t like. That’s ok. Find someone who is compatible with your weirdness. The only way to do that is to be honest about what those weirdnesses are. My dating life got a thousand times better when I wrote a profile that expressed who I was and what I wanted. Trust that whatever you want, there’s other people who want the same thing. For every ass there is a seat.

Know your deal breakers: I don’t care who you are, you have some deal breakers. There are certain things you cannot be ok with in a relationship. That’s fine. Some people need monogamy, some people need polyamory. Some people definitely want kids, others definitely don’t. Wouldn’t you rather weed those incompatible people out early? Trust me, it’s way better than finding out once you already love someone. The most painful breakups happen between two incompatible people who love each other very deeply.

Ignore idiots: As with all places on the internet, odds are good that you will run across some truly horrible people. Or just people who annoy you for one reason or the other. Maybe their message to you was stupid or offensive or just so pointless that it annoyed you. Ignore them. I know it’s hard to do, but ignore them. Nothing you say to them will make them better. Tell them they’re sexist or racist or stupid, they won’t listen to you. They’ll fight with you. They’ll ruin your day. They’ll say some awful little thing that will stick in your mind and make you angry again five years from now when you’re taking a shower or trying to fall asleep. Don’t let this happen. Don’t ruin your own day. Just block and delete. I actually developed a dating app concierge service, just so people can avoid ever seeing these stupid little messages in the first place.

Get offline fast: Don’t waste time “getting to know each other” via messages. It doesn’t work. It’s the easiest way to let a possibility fizzle out and die, or get attached to the idea of a person before you ever meet them. I’ve heard a lot women say that they won’t meet a guy until they’ve exchanged a lot of messages. I think this is a mistake. You’re busy, he’s busy, just setting up a date will probably take several messages, do you really need to prolong the process? The longer it drags out, the more likely you are to either lose interest or create some imaginary version of them. You want reality. You want it fast. If they’re a serial killer, they won’t just let that slip while you’re messaging each other. Sociopaths are very charming. There have been actual serial killers who were married for years to people who had no idea that they were serial killers. Your dad could be the Zodiac Killer, you don’t know. Words on a screen will not tip you off. 

If anything, those (carefully crafted) messages are more likely to make you fall for a fake persona. Not long ago someone in my social circle was outed as a sexual predator. I’d met him years before and he kinda seemed like a creep so I steered clear. Most, if not all, the women who came forward said that he had found them on OKC and they’d exchanged messages long enough that they felt safe inviting him to their house. DON’T DO THIS. Meet quickly, in person, in a highly trafficked place. If you’re really worried about serial killers, meet them for coffee instead of drinks. If they give you a bad feeling, don’t see them again. Which brings us to…

Trust your gut: The things that tip you off about a guy are things that happen in person; the way he treats the waitstaff, how quickly he pushes for physical engagement, or even just weird feelings that you can’t explain. Listen to those feelings! Your unconscious mind picks up way more information than you can consciously process so sometimes a bunch of tiny red flags just show up in your mind as feeling uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable, that person may not be a serial killer, but they are probably not someone you should date.

Practice detachment: This is difficult but it is essential to your sanity. When you write a message, don’t spend too much time on it. Look at their profile, make a note of what you like about it, and write about that. It really can be as simple as “You seem really cool, I like that you have a pet lizard. Would you like to get a drink some time?” When you send that message, be ok with them not writing back. Send the message and then forget it completely. If they message you back, let it be a nice surprise. 

When you meet someone, be ok with it not working out. There are a thousand good reasons for two people to not want to date each other. So you have to be ok if one of those reasons rears its ugly head. Don’t invest too much in a first date. I’m not saying you should meet them at Señior Tequila’s Brightly Lit Self Serve Taco Joint in your sweat pants and a food stained shirt. But don’t obsess over it either. Schedule it on a day when you have other things to do so it doesn’t feel like your whole life revolves around this date. Wear something nice that you feel good in. Choose a place that you will feel comfortable in, where you can talk, where your whole night won’t be ruined if it doesn’t work out. Have a back up plan in place if the date doesn’t work out; a show, a movie, a concert, hanging out with friends. Your goal on the first night is not fireworks, it’s just meeting someone and seeing if you enjoy their company enough to see them again.

Put your crazy out on the front porch: Is there something unusual that you’re really passionate about? Are you kinda weird? Are you poly/kinky/a furry/vegan/very religious? Bring this up early. You don’t need to show up to your first date in your fursuit, but by the second date, you should at least bring up the idea and see how they would react. If it’s something you’re super out about, it can sometimes be fun to throw them in the deep end. Ask if they’d like to make your burlesque show part of your first date. See if they want to join you for Star Trek Trivia Night. If it’s something you really love and they hate that thing, you’ve saved yourself some time! However, some of these things can be dangerous to disclose to a stranger. Not everyone has the luxury of living in a place, culture, or lifestyle, that allows them to be completely out. So use your first date to feel them out. You can take a bit more time if you need to, but don’t take too long. If something about you might be a deakbreaker for your date, you owe it to them to let them know. Hell, you owe it to yourself. It hurts to be rejected for because of something that’s very personal, but think how much more it will hurt if you are rejected by someone you know you really like, or love, or could see a future with. That thing about you isn’t going away, find someone who loves that thing. 

If at all possible, try to bring it up like it’s no big deal. I learned this when my dad came out as trans at a time when almost no one knew what that meant. “Trans” wasn’t even a word back then. I found that when I seriously sat my friends down and gravely told them that my “aunt” was actually my dad, they tended to freak out a lot more than when I casually tossed off “Oh, my dad’s a woman now.” Obviously I was lucky to be in a very liberal city and not everyone has that luxury, but if you’ve been out with someone a few times, they seem kind, open minded, trans friendly, you can say something like “Oh, this hasn’t come up yet, but I like you and feel like I should let you know I’m trans.” People often mirror the demeanor of people they’re talking to, so if you act like it’s normal, they’re more likely to treat it as normal. You might still get some questions (probably some questions you’re very tired of answering) but at least they’re less likely to freak out at you.

Put up with zero shit: You may have noticed that I’ve used the phrase “time saver” a few times. That’s because I developed this system at a time when I desperately wanted a new partner, but I also lived in Staten Island. It took me an hour and a half to get literally anywhere. I had zero time for bullshit. I was also 31. I’d had my heart broken a thousand times. I wanted a relationship that worked. So I put up  profile that said who I was and what I wanted. If that scared dudes off, good. I was sick of dating cowards. If a guy who messaged me seemed cute enough and had no red flags in his profile, I set up a date. If he flaked, or made me feel weird, or didn’t seem interested, I didn’t let myself care. I just moved on to the next guy. If a guy seemed interesting but didn’t text me back, I didn’t care. I DID NOT CARE. And it was the most freeing experience of my life. I’m not saying I was a robot. A guy that I liked and enjoyed sleeping with broke up with me because he realized (too late) that he couldn’t be poly. I was sad. I let myself be sad, but I didn’t let myself spend time thinking “oh if only….” or “maybe I should have…” I didn’t blame myself. I was just sad for a day and then I set up more dates. And it was only a few months before I fell madly in love with someone that was actually compatible with me, my lifestyle, and my dreams.