The Pros and Cons of Dating Older Guys When You're a Teen (Patreon)

I wrote this essay today. I'm going to pitch it to Teen Vouge and, if they don't want it, The Rookie. If THEY don't want it...I don't know.

When I was 17 I dated a 23 year old. My mom, who had always been like a best friend to me, was horrified. I was 17 and pretty stubbornly against hearing what she had to say, so I don’t remember all her objections. But I also think she was reluctant to say them out loud, as though saying them might make them come true. This relationship, she insisted, would ruin my life. She was sure I would have sex with him, sure that I would fall in love, sure that I would give up going to collage, all because of him. She was a little right. By some people’s definitions, we did have sex. I definitely fell in love with him, though I refused to admit it. But I didn’t let any attachment to him stand in my way. I graduated and went to college on the other side of the country, just like I’d planned. We couldn’t get over each other, though, and after a few years he left a good job and a nice apartment to live with me in queens for two years before our relationship went off the rails. If anything, I ruined his life. Take THAT mom!

But looking back, I understand why my mom was concerned. And I realize that my view of that guy and our relationship was not as objective as it could have been. There are a number of ways that our relationship could have been disastrous for me, and it’s mostly dumb luck that kept those things from happening. I can’t say that the relationship was great for my self esteem, or that it was an asset when I went off to college. I made the best decisions I could and I don’t really regret them. But I wanted to pass on the things I learned, both from my own experience, and other people’s.

Pros: 

They are more mature than your peers (usually) Maybe you’re sick of being a teenager. I know I was when I was seventeen. I loved my friends but I was kind of out of guys my age to date, and I was kind of sick of them. I didn’t want a boyfriend who was clingy but also self centered enough to break up with me the day before valentines day. It was exciting to date a guy who cared about real things, like where his career was going. It was exciting to date a guy who listened to bands other than Metallica and Limp Bizket. I loved being able to go to a movie with guys and actually have a conversation about the movie. But not all older guys are created equal. And, if you think about it, how mature are they if they want to date someone much younger than them? Do you want to date someone three or more years younger than you? Probably not. Because they are in a really different stage of life and don’t care about the same thing you do… Just keep that in mind when you turn a critical eye on your older partner.

They make you feel special (usually.) I felt so special when I was dating a 23 year old. I felt so baddass, so mature, so smart and sexy to have attracted a man older than me. The truth is, our culture fetishizes youth and sexualized taboos, so getting an older guy to be attracted to you is…not hard. If your standards are sufficiently low, attracting an older guy is about as difficult as putting on a hat. 

But maybe your guy isn’t like that. Your guy isn’t a loser. He’s hot. He’s smart. He totally seems to have his shit together. Mine certainly did. Objectively speaking, he was very hot. And he had a really impressive job for a 23 year old with a high school degree. And he really did think I was special. He didn’t make a habit of dating younger girls, and he was genuinely in love with me. But he also referred to me as his “teen-bopper fan club” when a friend asked who I was. That was a crappy thing to say and I was not confident enough to call him out on it.

They are better in bed (usually): This is not always true. I’ve had some terrible sex with adult men. But practice, even if it doesn’t make perfect, it usually helps. So an older guy is probably going to be better at sex than a teenager who’s never done it before. If that is your priority, GET IT.

They may understand you better and give you better advice than your peers. Someone older has been through a lot of things you’re going through right now. They can tell you how they navigated it, or how their friends dealt with it, and that might be really helpful. They also have the perspective that distance can give. Your peers may be too close to your problems to be able to offer any useful advice. Think about it this way, if you’re drowning, who do you want help from; someone who is also drowning, or someone on dry land? Being a teenager often feels like drowning. Knowledge gained through experience is always going to be the best thing you get from any relationship with an older person and, if the person you want to date makes you feel comfortable enough to talk about your problems, they can be a wonderful person to have in your life.

Cons:

They may pressure you to do things you’re not ready for. This is probably the greatest fear people have when they warn you off of dating older guys. If you haven’t had sex before, having it is a really big deal. If it’s already something your older partner is used to, they might not respect what a big deal it is to you. There are also people who date younger people because younger people tend to be less confident and less likely to stand up for their own needs and desires. (That doesn’t stop when you turn 18, btw.) The sad reality is that there are predatory people in the world who see younger parters as easy prey. I don’t care how old you are, never have sex with someone who doesn’t use protection, and only have sex with people when you want to. If they are not someone you would feel comfortable telling to stop, just don’t start.

They are probably using you to make themselves feel better. This sucks, but it’s true. Dating someone younger is a HUGE ego boost. They think you are so smart. They can’t wait to hear all your old stories. The things you like are automatically important and special because your younger partner has never heard of them. Your partner might not even be doing this consciously. I don’t think my guy was. But I was always so eager to be near him, to hear what he had to say on every subject, there’s no way that didn’t flatter him. When we finally broke up, it was for a number of reasons. But our relationship came together at a time when I was very alone, very uncertain, and lost in a lot of ways. Our relationship started falling apart when I got some new friends, developed some confidence, and started finding a direction I wanted my life to go in. I can’t help but feel like a factor. Years later I found out that he was dating my ex-best friend, a girl who was a lot like me but much more needy and fragile. He loved me most when I depended on him and that’s not a love I’m interested in anymore.

You will probably grow apart. This isn’t necessarily a con, but if your definition of a successful relationship includes anything like the phrase “lasts forever” (mine did) then this will not be a successful relationship. The younger you are, the more you change as you grow. The person I was when I was 17 bears very little resemblance to the person I was at 23 and I think that’s true for everybody. You make great leaps in your late teens and your 20s, odds are good that you and your partner won’t leap in the same direction. At the end of our relationship, I was 22. I wanted to go out and party ALL THE TIME because that’s what you do when you’re 22. My boyfriend was 28 and he was very over the idea of partying. His friends were getting married, moving to the suburbs, having babies, all things that sounded AWFUL to me. I wanted to drink till I puked, he wanted to buy nice furniture. We’d been together for five years and suddenly he was too damn old for me.

They will have a HUGE impact on your development. Again, this is neither good nor bad, it’s just a fact that you need to take into account. Our break up was the hardest I’ve ever been through and I’m never going to be fully over him. I wrote a whole book about him. Maybe someday that book will be good. There will never be a time when I don’t think about him at least occasionally. The last time I saw him was seven years after we’d broken up and, still, my heart didn’t stop racing for at least an hour. Will that happen to everyone? Probably not. But your relationship will probably have a big impact on your life. You will probably remember this person for the rest of your life. Are they someone you want to remember for the rest of your life? I can’t answer that for you, but I hope you spend some time thinking about it. You know your life and you know what’s best for it. I trust you to make your own decisions and I hope they lead to wonderful, fulfilling, educational, experiences. As long as you don’t do anything permanent for them (marriage, baby, tattoos, skipping college) you should be just fine.