Update (Patreon)

So this is obviously long overdue. 

Beginning of last year was absolute shit for me. In Feb/May I experienced two of the most emotionally traumatizing events of my entire life, which I addressed in a previous post. In July I had a near death experience, which I haven't talked about and won't be addressing in detail online. I will say it was not related to mental health/suicide/substance abuse or anything like that in case that seems worrisome,  it was an accident/fluke where I really thought I was going to die which left me hospitalized and therefore pretty freaked out.  I am not trying to excuse anything, only trying to illustrate my mental space for the past year. I was pretty knocked off my horse at that point, although I was still being relatively productive. This is also the point I began gaining weight. For a good part of last year I also dealt with random assholes on the internet stealing my non-watermarked pictures and sharing them.. which is fine, except those posts got way more traction than my own did.  I also started feeling better about cosplay in general when I  debuted my Squid Game cosplay, but then a cosplayer with a larger fanbase than mine copied my original design down to the smallest detail and attributed it to herself without crediting me. Is it whiny that these things are bothersome? Maybe. But it almost feels like a moot point when you are not getting recognition for your own work, or someone attributes it to someone else. It makes it way less fun. maybe this shit is par for the course but it's hard to feel motivated to bring my numerous ideas to fruition when some dumbass is just gonna steal it anyways.  All artists want recognition for their work even if they try to act otherwise about it.  No, I don't want to quit cosplay or anything. But I need to air out my issues with it or I'm not going to be able to move past it or figure out exactly what it is I want from this career or create a strategy that I feel comfortable moving forward with. Also you guys have the right to know what is causing me to shove my head up my own ass and turtle instead of posting. The weight gain (around 20-25 lbs) has also contributed to me not producing content, and before I get any pity or "oh you are beautiful" or w/e in the comments, that's unneeded. I don't feel unattractive with the weight gain, it doesn't really affect my self esteem in any way, I don't hate my body. I just do not like the final product of my cosplay photos with the weight gain. I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone, but that's how I feel. And If I hate the product, I don't want to put it out there and it's not fun to produce it. I think something that will combat this is cosplaying some "thiccer" girls like Velma, Wicke from Pokemon, Mei from Pokemon, etc. I think I will be fine with the product if that's the case, or if I implement fancy corsets into my work more.  I've already drawn up or picked designs for some of these characters, let me know if you know of any others that might fit this "look" I'm talking about. I would like to be able to shoot content I don't look back on and despise while I work on my weight loss goal. This also brings up another point I want to rant about: the gratuitous amounts of photoshop in many creators cosplay photos. In my opinion.... Photoshop should be for fine tuning your pictures or adding artistic license to them. Reasonable beauty edits.... smoothing skin, brightening eyes, MINOR body edits if needed. Not deforming your whole waist and photoshopping tits on. It's really left a bad taste in my mouth towards the cosplay community at large because it is widespread and becoming more prevalent and I refuse to be like that, even if I'm at the point where I don't like the final product. I don't think photoshopping your entire body and lying about it is ever the answer. I guess I just feels like it cheapens cosplay. I know I just need to focus on myself and my content but I'm just so easily annoyed by outside influences to the point it's sometimes debilitating when REALLY I should feel empowered that the work I put out, (when I do lmao), is not that low quality or shittily mass produced looking. I guess I should stop ranting/venting now. The TLDR is my mental space hasn't been super healthy and I feel really discouraged even though I guess I shouldn't. I need to find better ways to cope besides stress eating and being avoidant. Also, it might be worth mentioning it isn't just my cosplay socials and my paid platforms I've been hiding from, it's been pretty much literally everyone, even my IRL friends. Literal cave person mode/hermit with very few exceptions.  

I'm sorry. I've said it before that I am. You guys are tipping me for something I haven't been able to provide super consistently like I used to be able to. I'm obviously going to have to revamp my Patreon tiers or change it to the "by project" format instead of monthly. I think what might be better for me is a setup more like OF with a smaller monthly fee with the option to buy sets when I produce them. I think everyone would be happier with that overall. Even thinking about that takes much less stress off of me. and honestly makes me feel much more motivated. I get really stressed thinking about my paid platforms when i haven't been productive and it causes me to avoid them because I'm afraid of getting angry messages. I know it's not the right thing to do, and most of you guys are great. I was very surprised to login here and only see kind and concerned messages and I really appreciate that some of you actually do give a shit about my well-being. I do understand the frustration from 1 or 2 of you guys about not receiving sets super timely because that's valid. But if you are disrespectful I'm blocking you and not sending you anything. I'm a person. You are a person. If you are unhappy, quit subbing, I haven't blamed anyone who has at this point, supporting cosplay girls is a luxury, not a necessity and I don't find it offensive when people leave, especially if I'm slacking on delivering. I'm not forcing you to stay, so don't angrily complain at me if you are still here after months of me sucking ass at producing. I can make it up with future content if you stop giving me money and leaving me indebted. 

That being said, even though I haven't been posting progress or shoots I have been working on stuff behind the scenes. I think I mentioned I ordered a bunch of new camera equipment and stuff to build sets for future shoots. I've ordered new cosplays and a SHIT TON of new fabric/supplies for stuff I want to make. Designed a fuck ton of original cosplays, some of which I already posted for you guys. Started working on my Charizard cosplay. Over halfway done with my Zero Two bride cosplay designed by Sakimi-Chan. Finished sewing my sexy Mario cosplay which I might shoot soon because he's a thicc boi (lol) (I might have posted mario progress before? Can't remember) .  I also spent a lot of time compiling a new list of characters I want to cosplay, which doesn't seem like progress but it was very.... involved. Lol. My main issue is just getting motivation to shoot, and since I self shoot, it's way more involved. Literally doing 4 people's jobs.... MUA, model, photographer, editor....  I also ordered the last picture for a sexy Nurse Mercy cosplay but it's been 2 months and they JUST shipped it last week. reeeee