The Inventor (Fiction) (Patreon)

"You Americans have so many things that do just one thing." Bjaran criticized, and Sofi grimaced inwardly at the way they referred to all humans as Americans. "You have so much space for so many simple devices. Why not make fewer devices that do more things! You Americans." Sofi wondered whether Bjaran was saying "you americans" on purpose to annoy her. Bjaran lead her into his laboratory, which was crammed full of devices that seemed to be designed specifically to inhabit the uncanny valley.

"What is this?" she pointed at a large metal box with a hinged door on the front.

"You Americans are so hung up on names. You Americans need to have labels for everything." Sofi cringed. The box had lots of buttons and dials, all lacking any sort of label, except for a cartoonish drawing of an elephant on a large dial.

"Okay... so, what does it do? It looks like a washing machine or a dryer."

"YES! You are very clever, for an American!"

"I'm French." Sofi answered quickly, but Bjaran didn't seem to take notice.

"It is washing machine. It is dryer." Bjaran placed a loving tentacle on top of the machine.

"That's amazing! People have been trying to do a good combo washer/dryer for ages!"

"It is also an oven!" Bjaran exclaimed, blinking proudlly.

"An... oven?" Sofi's brows knotted, her brain trying to contort herself to the thought.

"Yes!" Bjaran grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards a handheld device that spun. "THIS. This you will like, too! It is blender and coffee cooker and puts bubbles in water and takes bubbles out of water and blows bubbles and stimulates clitoris and unclogs drains!"

"excuse me?" Sofi gawped.

"I knew it would please you Americans." Bjaran winked at her and pushed the device into her hands. "This is prototype, but you can borrow." 

Bjara tugged Sofi onward deeper into the laboratory. The room's dimensions made Sofi kind of nauseated- the ceilings felt oppressively close while there were obviously items several stories tall  at the same time. Here was a radial arm saw hair dryer that played with your dog while you were away, here was a high chair for your child that doubled as a car jack and a garden tiller, the thermometer that was also a taser and a beard trimmer, the bottle opener/radio/garbage compressor/litterbox cleaner, and more. Finally Sofi grabbed Bjaran by two tentacles and pulled them back through a door, out of the chaos of the lab. She couldn't read the elevator buttons, but sighed, relieved to be out of the lab as the doors closed behind them.

"You Americans are so reckless!" Bjaran grinned at her. "This is not out of beta testing!"

"The elevator?" Sofi looked frozen in terror. "Which button do we press to get out?"

"Not just elevator!" Bjaran boasted. "Elevator-Microwave!"