Oneshot: An Unusual Asylum (Patreon)

Reminder: This is the last Monday chapter until Aug

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"Okay, so here's your ID badge—don't you dare lose it—a couple of spare uniforms, your company pager and a vital signs monitor."

"Wait, what?" asked Dave, dragging his eyes away from his ID badge—the universal rule that all ID photos had to be awful meant that the picture on it made him look more like one of the institute's patients than its staff—to peer instead at the last item, which to him looked very much like an ordinary watch.

"Only a safety precaution. It basically just monitors your pulse and sends out an alert if it stops."

"And... that happens often here? People's hearts stop beating?"

"Not on a regular basis, no. Like I said, it's just a precaution. Obviously, as a new orderly, you won't be entering the wings in which we keep our more dangerous patients. Your ID badge won't even open the doors. That doesn't exempt you from basic health and safety precautions, though. I trust you've already read your on-boarding instructions and memorised the various fire and emergency procedures?"

"I have. That was something else I wanted to ask, actually. Why the heck do you have an alarm signal with a response of 'don't bother trying to evacuate, just call your loved ones as quickly as possible to say goodbye'?"

"Only a safety precaution. Better to have it and never use it than to need it and not have it."

"And under what possible circumstances would you need that?"

"The army launching a nuclear warhead at our facility?"

"Ha ha," said Dave flatly. "Very funny."

"Yes, you'll find having a sense of humour makes working here far more bearable," replied his manager, John, in a near monotone that bore no trace of humour whatsoever. "That is, presumably, why I can't stand this place. In any case, let me call one of your co-workers. You'll be shadowing her for your first week."

He typed a short message into his computer, and a middle-aged lady whose ID badge identified as Sally swept into the office a mere minute later without so much as knocking first.

"You must be the new recruit. A pleasure to meet you. It'll be nice to get back to normal staffing levels again after what happened to Andrew and Terry."

Dave blinked.

"Uh... And what happened to Andrew and Terry?"

"They no longer work at this establishment," said John.

"Yeah, hard to work anywhere with your arms torn off," laughed Sally.

John glared at her.

"Uh..." said Dave. "Is this another joke?"

"Another?" asked Sally. "What, John told a joke? I hope you caught it on video, else no-one will ever believe you."

"Just get out of here," sighed John. "Blue zones only for now."

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. I'll keep him safe."

"So... Uh... Arms torn off?" asked Dave as he followed Sally out of the room. "That was a joke, right?"

"Alas not, but don't worry. It'll be many years until you find yourself working the black zone, if ever."

"The black zone? I've read every word of the on-boarding documentation, and there's no mention of a black zone. There's the blue zone for harmless patients. Green for the generally safe, yellow for the more dangerous patients, then red for the very worst, with increasing security precautions at each step."

"John prefers to hide the best of this place from new staff until they've been here a while. Personally, I don't see the point. It's not like it affects you in any way you can do anything about. Below red, there's black, but there's no need for you personally to worry about the black zone patient, mostly on account of the way that even if you managed to get the airlock open, the guards would shoot you before you took a step inside."

"Patient? Singular?" asked Dave, placing the comment about hospital guards employing lethal force against trespassers on the back-burner for the moment. He'd heard the red zone described as their local equivalent of Arkham Asylum, so the thought of something worse was rather horrifying.

"Yeah, we only have one in there at the moment, but he's a doozy. Turns out that if you live a life in which every shadow hides half a dozen assassins out to kill you, you tend to get a bit paranoid. He really doesn't take well to surprises. But, like I said, no need for you to worry about him. Let me introduce you to your first patient. She's a lovely young lady."

Sally knocked on a plain wooden door, that wasn't all that different from the door of John's office. It even had a name tag, which read simply, 'Katie'.

"Come in," called a voice from inside.

"Good morning, Katie," said Sally, pushing open the unlocked door to reveal a young woman sat on a bed, fiddling with a smartphone. "I'd like to introduce you to Dave, here, who's going to take over from Terry."

"Oh? What happened to Terry?"

"He was reassigned."

"Pity. Oh well. Nice to meet you, I guess."

"And would you like to tell him a bit about yourself?"

"Sure, it's not like I have anything better to do. The name's Katie, and I got isekaied, died over and over, suffered various horrible traumas, and generally had a very unpleasant time. Thankfully, I eventually managed to get hold of a world-hopper class that let me jump back home. Alas, I only had two open skill slots, and I needed both to get here, so I didn't have space to pick the skill that would let me keep all my cool powers, so now I have all the trauma and none of the benefits. Of course, without my powers, I have no actual evidence that any of this actually happened, so no-one believes me, but that's fine. For my own safety, I kinda need somewhere with padded walls to stay until I manage to get out of the habit of committing suicide to cure paper-cuts."

Dave blinked. "But your walls aren't padded," he mumbled.

"If you ever feel like you're having a bad day, pop over here and ask her to list her top five deaths," said Sally. "It'll cheer you right up. Also, she's never actually tried to commit suicide, however she speaks."

"I did once, actually," corrected Katie. "But I tried to do it by reverse dragon breath, so it didn't work."

"That's... good?" hazarded Dave. "It's nice to meet you, in any case."

"You too," said Katie, waving the pair off.

"That was odd," said Dave once the door was safely closed.

"... This is an insane asylum," pointed out Sally. "What were you expecting?"

"In the blue zone? Anorexia, bulimia, that sort of thing. I wasn't expecting someone who had constructed a complete alternate reality for themselves."

"I wouldn't call it 'complete' as such. When you start delving into the details, practically none of it makes any sense. But there's no reason why she can't be here; patients are placed into zones based on the danger they pose, not the severity of their symptoms, and she's no danger to anyone. Or at least, anyone real. I'd strongly advise you against being one of her imaginary fox people. They tend to die rather horribly."

"Fair enough," agreed Dave. "So, who else is on our route?"

"Her," said Sally, pointing at the next door in the corridor, the name tag upon which declared the occupant to be 'Gentle Breeze'.

"Uh..." said Dave. "Is that her real name? Because that does not sound like a real name."

"I doubt it, but we don't know who she really is, and that's the only name she's ever given us. She's convinced the world is being invaded by aliens from a place called Midnight, and she and her 'magical girl' school friends are the only ones with the power to stop them."

"Any chance she's right? We had Gigaman around for a while, before his sudden disappearance, so she wouldn't be the first superpowered hero that popped up."

"It doesn't seem likely. None of the details check out: her school doesn't exist, her friends don't exist, a few buildings she claims to have accidentally demolished while fighting monsters never existed, and besides, if there was fighting going on that was violent enough to destroy entire buildings, someone would have noticed. In any case, that's not the reason she's here. If we started locking people up simply for having overinflated opinions of themselves, we'd need to lock up half the planet. It's more to do with her habit of stripping..."

Alas, her habit was never fully explained, because an alarm chose that moment to blare loudly through the facility.

Sally sighed. "And what does that one mean?" she asked calmly.

"Get to shelter immediately!" exclaimed Dave, who was far less sanguine about the situation. "Uh... down that corridor, on the right."

"Oh, you even memorised the maps. Nice."

"Shouldn't we hurry? Is this just a drill?"

"Nah, doubt it's a drill. Not at this time of the morning. Probably one of the new assignees to the black zone screwed up. Let's just get to shelter."

The pair walked briskly align the corridors, clicks sounding from either side of them as the patients' rooms locked themselves.

"Shouldn't we get the patients to shelter, too?" asked Dave.

"No time. Besides, even here in the blue zone, their rooms are pretty sturdy."

"Oh, the new kid!" exclaimed another voice, a bald guy wearing the same white orderly's uniform coming down the corridor from the opposite direction. "Welcome to your first security scare."

"And in his first ten minutes, too," said Sally. "Must be some sort of record."

"Nah. Bob got his before John had even handed over his ID badge."

"Really? Unfortunate."

"Quite funny watching John trying to work out if he should be treated as an employee or visitor, though. Who'd have thought that safety procedures could suffer from race conditions?"

"So, this happens often enough that no-one feels the need to take it seriously?" asked Dave, unsure whether to be reassured or terrified by his co-workers unconcernedly bantering in the corridor.

"Oh, we take it seriously, alright," denied Sally. "It's just that..."

She paused for a moment while the building shook, causing enough noise to drown out her voice.

"... the procedures are all nothing but theatre," she finished, once the earthquake had stopped.

"We're not in an earthquake zone," pointed out Dave as the group made a silent but unanimous decision that they'd prefer to be on the other side of the shelter's doorway. More staff rushed in behind them. "What was that?"

There came a thump and a click as someone pulled the heavy metal door shut.

"That was bad news," said the bald guy. "What the hell did the new black zone idiots do this time? I really hope he isn't having a psychotic break..."

"Oh no... He wouldn't... Surely no-one can be that stupid," mumbled another member of staff, one of the half-dozen who'd crowded in after Dave's group. He glanced at her name badge, which identified her as a Susan.

The building rumbled again.

"Just how strong is this shelter?" asked Dave. "Should we be worried?"

"It's more of a hidey-hole," answered Sally. "It's not intended to be strong, as such. Just to keep us out of sight. But putting that aside for the moment, what was that about someone being stupid, Susan? Do you know something?"

Susan jerked at the unexpected address. "Uh... I don't know anything. It's just... When he got in earlier, Kevin was talking about a surprise party he was planning to celebrate someone's birthday."

"Kevin? The one who took over from Andrew?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"The one who, today, is working a shift in the black zone?"

Susan nodded.

"The zone whose sole occupant happens to have a birthday today?"

Susan nodded again while the faces of everyone in earshot grew progressively paler.

"Why in the nine hells didn't you punch him in the face?!"

"Because I didn't think anyone could be so bloody stupid! I assumed it was just a coincidence! If I'd thought for a moment that he was actually going to try throwing a surprise birthday party for him, I'd have alerted security instantly!"

Dave blinked, feeling that the conversation had rather drifted away from him. Another rumble caused a fine rain of concrete dust to drift down from the ceiling.

"Uh... Would this be a bad time to mention that I saw him this morning with a bag of party poppers?" asked another member of staff.

The crowd of already pale faces turned the colour of fresh snow.

"... There may also have been a small firecracker."

"They're playing the wrong alarm," said someone as the building underwent its biggest shudder yet. "It should be the we're-all-doomed one. There'll be no calming him down after this. The military will need to intervene."

"Uh... While I rather suspect that I don't want to know the answer, just who, exactly, is this black zone patient?" asked Dave with utmost care. "The way you're all talking, he sounds like..."

With an almighty crack, the ceiling split in half, a massive rent running from wall to wall. It was wide enough to see through, revealing that the concrete was a good three feet thick. It also revealed a face, peering down through the gap, landing on each of the hiding staff members in turn.

The face was attached to a body, as faces generally were. An incredibly muscular body, clad mostly in torn canvas with a side helping of thick chain. However, in that body's right hand was another face, which, while attached to the rest of a head, was definitely missing its other usual accompaniments. It was also rather obviously dead.

Both faces withdrew.

"... Gigaman," finished Dave, wiping off a splash of blood that had landed on his cheek, dripping from above.

"Poor sod," said Susan.

"No way is the corporate life insurance going to pay out for that," said the bald guy. "They'll claim it was reckless behaviour."

"Wonder who they're going to give the black zone to next? We're running out of qualified staff."

"Running out? You think that imbecile was qualified? We're lucky he didn't get us all killed! Thank goodness for the higher ups introducing the policy of distinct uniforms for the black zone, so he doesn't think we're part of the same organisation."

"How are you all so... blasé?!" complained Dave. "The black zone inmate is Gigaman? And he just killed an orderly?!"

"Just because his body is bulletproof, it doesn't mean his mind is," pointed out Sally. "With all his crime fighting, he made enemies quickly. Powerful enemies, and lots of them. It got to the point he was dealing with multiple assassination plots per day. And, being bullet proof, they weren't your traditional gangster drive-by-with-an-uzi plots, either. A few years of that, and, well, can you really blame him for jumping at shadows? He was admitted here after the Paris incident, and we can't refuse to treat him just because he can tear straitjackets apart like paper."

"But he just killed Kevin!"

"... Kevin tried to throw a surprise party for a clinically paranoid superhero. I suspect his death certificate is going to record death by misadventure. He may even be in line for a Darwin award."

Dave blinked. "Why the hell did I accept this job? Wait, the Paris incident? Are you talking about that terrorist bombing a few years ago? That was targeting Gigaman?"

"Uh... Not targeting, as such. More like, it was Gigaman. Some bright spark built a titanium cell in the sewer, pitfall trap in the middle of the road right above it, dropped Gigaman in it, then dropped another block of titanium on his head to 'seal him in'. It didn't work, but they did succeed in triggering his first psychotic break. The authorities blamed terrorists to save face."

Dave blinked again. "If I survive today, I'm quitting."

Sally grinned evilly. "Tell me, do you have any idea why we're all still here despite the significant death rate?"

"... Because you're selfless and charitable, and believe everyone should be given a chance?"

"Oh, how I miss being so young and naïve. Sorry, but you're stuck here along with the rest of us. This is your life now."

"Hey, the earthquakes have stopped," pointed out Susan. "Think he calmed down?"

There was a moment of silence as everyone in the room strained their ears, listening for the sounds of distant destruction.

"That, or he's left the premises," answered the bald guy, who couldn't hear anything.

"Yay. We survive another day. Oh well, back to work. Let's check on the patients."

"What, right now? Shouldn't we wait for an all-clear? For someone else to get him back to his room?"

"After all that, do you think his room still exists? Nah, he'll prowl around outside while we quickly rebuild—most of the black zone is prefabbed, so they'll helicopter in replacement sections—and then Kevin's replacement will bait him back in with cheeseburgers. Just... no sudden moves, no loud noises, and for the sake of all that is holy, no surprise parties."

Dave nodded quickly, then caught himself and nodded again at a far slower pace.

"So... why is he even in a normal facility in the first place? I know this place is kinda in the middle of nowhere, but why have other patients here at all?"

"Normal facility?" asked Sally. "Ah, right. I should probably explain why there's no-one with anorexia in the blue zone, shouldn't I..."

Dave, realising just what he'd got himself into, resisted the urge to sob.