Oneshot: A PG-13 Isekai (Patreon)

Here's the next of the oneshots. As usual, you have Warden of Souls Nematrec to thank/blame. There'll be one more on the 15th, but nothing on the 22nd/29th, and then I plan to start a new shortish story in the Monday slot in Aug, about a bunch of magical girls trying to deal with a monster-of-the-day being actually intelligent.

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"Ouch..." complained Greg. "Well, lesson learnt. This is what happens when I try to do something heroic. Don't go being a bloody hero. Now to find a good lawyer and milk that driver's insurance dry."

"Uh... you've already been a hero?" asked another voice.

"Well, yes. There was a truck heading right for that guy, and I shoved him out of the way, but then the truck clipped my shoulder and I cracked my head on the asphalt."

"... You... uh... pushed someone out of the way of the truck? It wasn't heading for you?"

"No? Who are you, anyway? For that matter, where am I? This doesn't look like a hospital. In fact, it looks more like..."

Greg peered around taking in the stone walls, baroque decoration, glowing circle on the floor, and, most importantly, the fact that he was sharing the room with a rather stunning beauty in a flowing white gown, a jewelled silver tiara atop her long, golden hair.

"F***ing h**l, did I get isekaied?" he asked, seemingly not noticing the way that parts of his exclamation come out rather oddly. "I take it back! I'm quite happy to shove people out of the way of trucks any time."

"Umm... One minute, I need to check something," said the tentative princess, kneeling on the floor and putting her hands together in prayer. Greg simply watched, content to enjoy the view as an ethereal silver light shone around the praying girl.

"Okay, it seems there was a slight mix-up, but we can work with this," said the potential princess. "I'm Princess Hannah, the first princess of the human kingdom, and we need your help to fight a demon lord who's sending legions of monsters to overrun our country."

"F***ing awesome!" exclaimed Greg. "What powers do I get? I assume you're our party's healer? Who else will be joining us, and will they be as cute as you?"

"C... cute?!" exclaimed Hannah. "No, wait... I'm not a healer. There's no party. You get loads of powers; infinite stamina and mana, for a start. You can use all spells, healing included, and any weapon. You don't need a party; anyone else would just slow you down."

"But the party of cute girls is the entire point! I can't go off on my own. I don't even know where I'm going."

"Yes you do. Just think 'minimap'."

Greg thought 'minimap'. A circular disk popped up in the corner of his vision, showing what appeared to be the outline of the room, along with the layout of the rest of the floor of whatever building he was in. Rather more strangely, a line of white dashes led from his current position, out of the door and down what appeared to be a staircase.

"Well, that feels like a cheat," he commented. "Next you'll be telling me I have fast travel."

"Only to places you've already been," said Hannah. "And really? You think that's a cheat, but infinite mana isn't?"

"Well, yes. Infinite mana just means I can do what I could already do, except faster, but having some sort of magical routing just removes half of the challenge."

"Excuse me a moment... I need to double check a few things," said Hannah, once again descending to her knees and praying. "You can't be serious!" she exclaimed a few seconds into the prayer. The way that she paled after another couple of seconds implied that whoever was on the other end of the holy telephone was indeed very much serious. "But... But... I can't fight..." stammered the now-confirmed princess.

"Are... Are you okay down there?" asked Greg.

"Hayley?! A knight? But she does makeup. She can't... Oh, well, I suppose if you're going to go that far. But why? Well, yes, I suppose it will be novel, and yes, there is the competition from Anya's whole travel show, but still... Okay, fine then."

"Uh... What was that all about?" asked Greg.

"Apparently, there's been a change of plans. I'll be joining your party after all. Umm... I guess I'll be in your care? Why don't we get you outfitted with some equipment while we wait for the rest of the party?"

"Awesome. This just keeps getting better. But I do have to ask, who were you just talking to?"

"Isn't that obvious? The goddess of reincarnation. It's not like there's anyone else I'd agree to fight demons for... Can I at least put on a more practical dress?"

Silver light briefly flickered.

"This totally isn't what I signed up for. Oh well, come on."

The princess led the new hero out of the ritual chamber, down cold stone corridors, and into a castle armoury.

"Ooo," said Greg, looking around greedily.

"Just pick whatever thinks suits you," sighed Hannah, who seemed to have lost most of her enthusiasm.

"Hmm..." said Greg, eyeing up a rather gaudy set of plate armour. "Are any of them magical?"

"Not really. Infinite health, remember? It's not like demons can hurt you whatever you wear. Just pick based on what looks good."

"Hang on, infinite health? No, I do not remember this. You mentioned mana and stamina, nothing about health."

"Didn't I? Ah, right. I wasn't supposed to mention that yet. Oops."

"Why wouldn't you want to mention that?"

"It takes the suspense out of it."

"I'm.. fairly sure you aren't doing this right."

"You started it! Just grab some armour and a weapon, and let's go join up with the others."

"What about nothing?"

"Pardon?"

"If I'm invincible, why not just go in naked? Perfect range of movement and if you want to strike fear into the hearts of demons, as flexes go, charging them naked is a pretty cool one."

"Nope. I refuse. Putting everyone else aside, I'm not looking at that for an entire adventure."

"Suit yourself. Let's go with this one, then," said Greg, selecting a suit of black plate armour covered in spikes.

"I should have guessed..."

"Well, are you going to help me get into it?"

"No. No, I am not. Just touch it and think 'equip'."

"Sheesh. You don't half take shortcuts for everything here."

"Of course. People want to... I mean, the interesting bits are you fighting demons, not spending hours trying to get dressed, or travelling from village to village getting lost and needing to ask for directions every ten minutes."

"True, but that's not really justification," said Greg, touching the suit of armour. It vanished with a pop, reappearing around him in a perfect fit. To complete the look, he picked up a heavy two-hander, the sword forged from the same black metal as the armour, and a similarly spiky guard. It vanished with another pop as he lifted it.

"Let me guess; walking around carrying a huge-a**e sword would be inconvenient, so it only comes out when I'm fighting?" he asked with a sigh.

"Well, yes. Imagine trying to fit through doorways with something that length strapped to your back."

"... Let's just go and meet the others."

The pair departed the armoury, albeit with some difficulty. The sword might have vanished, but the black armour still had foot-long spikes jutting out from shoulders, knees and elbows, so doorways were a difficult proposition. By the time the pair stepped outside, a substantial amount of property damage had been committed.

"I don't think we ever expected anyone to actually pick that armour..." muttered Hannah.

Greg didn't answer, being too busy staring backward. "Woah, that's a cool castle," he opined. "It didn't look so big from the inside. I suppose a princess wouldn't be hanging out in any old dump."

"Eep!" exclaimed a third voice. "The demon lord is coming here?! No-one said anything about that!"

"No, that's the hero," said a fourth voice. "I think."

"Yes, it is," sighed Hannah. "Hayley and Amy, meet Greg. Greg, Hayley and Amy."

Greg turned back to face forward. "Bl***y h**l, bikini armour?!"

"Eep!" repeated Hayley, diving for cover despite standing in the middle of a wide open courtyard, without so much as a conveniently placed tree to hide behind.

"Uh... Is she okay?" asked Greg.

"She's just a bit shy," replied Amy, who was doing her best to remain stoic despite the fact that a grown woman had just forced herself between her legs and was hiding under her robe. "Nice to meet you, o great hero. May our journey be a glorious one."

"You must be our mage, then, given the robes and the staff," observed Greg. "So Hayley must be our scout?"

"A knight, actually," corrected Hannah. "We don't really need a scout, since you can lead us straight to the demon lord."

"A knight? Don't knights generally have a little more... umm... coverage? Not that I'm complaining; she's hot as anything. Heck, you all are. Your refined air is just spellbinding, and Amy can really rock the glasses look."

Amy, who had managed to keep a straight face until that point, blushed heavily.

"Umm... Thank you?" tried Hannah.

"You're welcome. Hey, are any of you spoken for? We could do some experiments tonight as to how far my infinite stamina really extends."

"Pardon?" asked Hannah, whose culture didn't include that particular usage of 'spoken for'. "You want to... run laps or something?"

"What? No, I want to f**k you all senseless."

"Pardon?" asked Amy. "Your voice kinda... glitched in the middle there."

"Sheesh, if you want to say no, just say no. I can take rejection."

"No, I really didn't hear what you said."

"I said, I want to..." started Greg.

Silver light briefly flickered.

"... brush your hair," he finished.

The pair of visible girls blinked.

"I suppose you can, if you really want to," said the third, who was still hiding under Amy's robe. "Were you a hair stylist back home? I'm more into the makeup side of things."

"... No," answered Greg, who couldn't shake the feeling he'd just missed something important.

"I'd enjoy that, actually," said Amy. "There's something relaxing about having your hair brushed."

"I think we're getting sidetracked here," said Hannah. "We should get to the demon slaying. The sooner we set off, the sooner we'll be done."

"Why the rush?" asked Amy. "We don't get opportunities like this every day. We should take our time and enjoy it."

"I doubt there'll be anything enjoyable about spending all week up to my elbows in demon guts," retorted the princess.

"You're the healer," said Hayley from under Amy's robe. "You get to keep your distance. I'm the one who's going to end up covered in guts."

"Don't you think it's about time you came out from there?" asked Amy.

"No."

Amy sighed, then lifted her robe and took two steps to the side, revealing Hayley curled up into a ball. Even curled up, there was far more skin exposed than one would usually associate with a knight.

Hayley whimpered.

"What's wrong?" asked Greg. "Aren't you used to this?"

"No! Of course I'm not!" shouted back Hayley as she resisted the efforts of Amy to unfold her.

"You aren't? But..."

"Okay!" shouted Hannah, interrupting him. "Perhaps we can find Hayley some armour with slightly less exposure?"

Silver light flickered once again.

"Well, yes, that's true," she admitted. "It's not really what she signed up for, though."

More silver light circled around.

"Okay then. Greg? Do you think you can help? Offer her some reassurance?"

"Can't you fill us in on the other side of the conversation?" he countered. "It sounds like you're talking to yourself."

"Uhh... Sorry, but repeating the words of the goddess without her permission would be blasphemy."

Greg's eyes narrowed. "Was that an excuse? Because it sounded like an excuse."

Hannah carefully inspected the floor.

"Well, far be it from me to leave a lady suffering such torment," he continued. "Come on, Hayley. You aren't indecent, and you're incredibly cute. There's really nothing to be embarrassed about."

Hayley's head popped up from the concentrated ball of embarrassment. "Really? I don't look like some sort of role-playing call-girl?"

"Well, maybe a little. I'd certainly be willing to..."

Silver light briefly flickered again.

"... hold your hand, but that in no way detracts from your cuteness."

"Oh my. Hand-holding! How lewd!" exclaimed Amy.

The head popped back in.

"You're supposed to be helping," complained Hannah. "Telling her she looks like a call-girl is not helping."

Greg didn't respond, on account of once again being subject to a strange sensation of wrongness. He carefully inspected the previous few sentences of conversation, in the hopes of picking up what.

And then he finally realised what it was.

"How the h**l do you know what a call-girl is?" he asked.

"Why shouldn't I..." started Hannah before spotting her mistake. "Ah..."

"Well?" demanded Greg.

"I think there's been a bit of a misconception here..." said Hannah carefully. "We aren't actually speaking English. You just have an auto-translate ability, similar to your minimap. The translations should get meaning across, but there may be some discrepancies in the details."

"Really? And I suppose the logic behind that is that spending hours after my summoning while you try to explain what you want via charades would be boring?"

"Something like that."

"This goddess of yours is weird. If she can do all this to reduce 'boredom', why can't she just blast the demon lord herself? Or would that be even more boring? Boring for who, exactly? It's not as if demon lord disposal is a spectator sport."

Hayley burst into a coughing fit.

Greg peered in mounting suspicion.

"You know, you're all behaving rather strangely."

"Are we?" squeaked Hannah. "I'm pretty sure we're not. Nothing suspicious here at all."

"I didn't say suspicious. Was that another translation quirk? I said strangely. Supposedly, demons are overrunning your kingdom, but you don't seem frightened at all."

"Well, yes, we have you. We know you'll win."

"But there's no sense of urgency, either. Aren't people dying as we speak?"

"If I may?" asked Amy.

"Please, explain away," said Hannah, relaxing slightly now that someone else had assumed responsibility.

"Then I'd just like to point out that this is a completely different world to where you come from, and your old common sense largely doesn't apply. I suggest you just roll with things and have a good time."

Greg blinked. "I suppose that sounds plausible," he admitted. "Whatever. Let's just get going."

He confidently strode forward, following the dashed line toward a large gate in the castle wall.

"Uh... Is that... offer of hand holding still open?" asked Hayley.

"Hand holding? Why would I..." started Greg, before remembering that he had indeed suggested it earlier. "Huh. I must be more out-of-sorts than I thought. Well, far be it from me to go back on my word."

He held out a hand, which the scantly clad girl took hold of with a heavy blush.

"Ooo, scandalous," giggled Amy.

"... If you tell me that hand-holding in this world is some sort of s*x thing, I'm gonna get depressed."

"No, it's not," sighed Hannah. "It's just that we're generally supposed to minimise interactions with heroes, so touching one is a little... uh... novel."

"Heroes? Plural? How often does this happen?"

Hannah froze. "And this is why..." she muttered.

"Pardon?"

"I said a new demon lord is born once a century or so."

"Is that why you're all so nonchalant?"

"Probably?"

The unlikely group continued down a street, Greg following the dashed line as he admired the fantasy building facades.

"Ooo, a potion shop. Can we go in?"

"You don't need potions," pointed out Hannah.

"So? I don't need to buy anything. I just want to look around."

Greg released Hayley's hand and veered off to the side.

"Uh... We really need to hurry!" squeaked Hannah as Greg pushed the door open.

Unlike most shop doors, it didn't jingle.

"Huh?" said Greg.

"If you're done looking, we should get going," said Hannah.

Behind her, Amy snorted as she failed to stifle a laugh.

Greg carefully picked up a potion. "It doesn't have anything in..." he commented carefully. "The bottom two-thirds of the glass are just painted red."

"Remember what Amy said about common sense?" said Hannah, growing increasing high pitched.

"... You're all f***ing with me," declared Greg flatly. "There are no demons, are there? What is this? Poke fun at the big, dumb Earthling? Or am I actually still on Earth and this is all some carefully constructed candid camera show?"

"No... No... Definitely not any sort of show," squeaked Hannah, now sounding like she was mainlining helium.

Greg stared at her, then carefully turned around and smashed a window.

Behind it, a cameraman screamed and dived away from the rain of glass.

"I'm going home," he declared.

Hannah sighed. "I said this was a stupid idea... Look, I can't send you home. Only the goddess can do that."

"Hey, goddess! Send me home!" he shouted, before sitting on the floor and crossing his arms.

"Does this mean the hair brushing is off the table?" asked Amy, poking her head into the door.

"Hair brushing? What has brushing hair got to do with..." started Greg, before remembering that he'd promised that, too.

"The heck? Why would I? No, at the time I was... Oh, for goodness' sake. Don't tell me this show is aimed at children."

"Teens, actually," answered Amy. "Hence poor Hayley's armour."

"So we're just admitting everything now, are we?" asked Hayley. "Does that mean I can finally change into something less indecent?"

"You know, I actually feel sorry for you," admitted Greg. "And also kinda glad I didn't get to s***w you. I'm no exhibitionist."

"Oh goddess, for goodness' sake, just put this episode out of its misery and send him home," prayed Hannah.

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"That was a complete train wreak!" exclaimed Hannah, an hour later. "There's a reason we always summon big, dumb, good-hearted heroes! Now I can't walk down the street without everyone pointing and laughing at me!"

"It was a success, though. Viewing figures are through the roof," said the silver light.

"It's alright for you. You're omnipresent. You don't need to deal with the hecklers while walking anywhere, because you're there already."

"Spoken by someone who has never met Anya in person. But personally, that whole episode has given me ideas."

"Oh crap..."

"How would you feel about an R18 spin-off? Aside from the hero himself, I've been having some Interesting ideas about alternate breeding strategies for goblins and orcs, and I'm certain slimes have endless possibilities."

"... I quit."

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In a hospital bed back in the real world, Greg woke up. The goddess was many things, but she wasn't a murderer. She'd merely borrowed his soul as he slept.

"Well, that was a fucking weird dream..."

And, a few rooms over, a nurse screamed. Alas, in the confusion, everyone had forgotten about Greg's sword, which, in a world without magic, had ejected itself from its interdimensional storage somewhat randomly.