Spellheart Christmas Special: Spreading the Joy of Christmas to the Orcs (Patreon)

Chapter 15.5

I left the bedchambers to find Amisra, Korra, and the Hearthwood's matriarchs milling about the room, tinkering with various crafts of their own.

Sava was brewing potions, Assyrus was sharpening her ironwood weapons, Eltiana was playing with her daggers, Illiel was looking at books, and the rest were toying with objects of various size and shape.

So many cute elves milling about and working. Now what did that remind me of?

...Christmas!

Before anyone could ask me what I planned to do now, I hastily dived back into the bedroom and quickly penned a letter to Malla back in the Hearthwood asking for a big red coat and a cone-shaped hat made of felt.

The Hearthwood's tailors worked fast, especially when the the patriarch placed an order personally. The first pieces of my costume started coming in and I emerged from the bedroom not as Theo of the Hearthwood, but Santa Claus of the Hearthwood!

"What are you wearing?" Sava looked up from her potion, eyes askance.

"Come gather 'round my little worker elves!" I laughed merrily. "I figured out how to save Deania! We need to teach these orcs the joy of Christmas!"

"What's Christmas?" Illiel asked.

"Oh no." I clutched at my heart. "Don't tell me elves don't celebrate Christmas!? What winter holidays do you celebrate?"

"Occasionally we celebrate another year of not being eaten by monsters or destroyed by a powerful cultivator with a bad temper." Assyrus said. "There's cake and sometimes presents."

"Good," I sighed. "At least you're not completely clueless about Christmas. Where I come from, Christmas is a special holiday where a large man in a big red coat flies all around the world leaving presents for all the good little children."

"Wait, what's a child?" Assyrus asked.

This was going to be harder than I thought.

***

After providing a thorough explanation to all my women, I coaxed them into cute little green and red costumes. After a great deal of work, I managed to get my team of helper elves organized and assembled.

"These clothes aren't very practical." Eltiana complained. "How am I supposed to hide knives between my boobs all covered up like this?"

"Christmas is a family friendly holiday." I explained, though I was unable to prevent Eltiana from cutting out a little window in her clothes above her chest. The rest of the women followed suit, and soon my elves were more sexy than wholesome.

"I've already sent orders for presents back to the Hearthwood." I explained. "Now we need to put up properly festive decorations and make a sleigh for me to ride in while we deliver presents to all the good orcs!"

We set to work laying out a couple of flying swords to become the runners of my sleigh. Sava grew wood around and above them from some nearby plants to make a cart just big enough for all of us to ride in if my elves, orc, and cat girl all snuggled up really close to their Santa Claus.

As we got set up, there was a tapping on the door frame and I turned to see Derval, son of Keergal pushing aside the curtain.

"Theo, are you ready for the night's festivities I told you about?" The orc asked.

"More than ready." I grinned. "I'm ready to spread holiday cheer to everyone!"

"Holiday cheer?" Derval asked curiously. "Is that what you call being really horny?"

"No, it's giving and receiving gifts." I explained. "Here, I have one for you."

I reached into my Dimensional Storage and pulled out a neatly wrapped present crafting in the Hearthwood just minutes ago.

Derval accepted the gift and gingerly unwrapped it. The orc was surprisingly gentle for someone who had already reached the Bronze Bone realm of body cultivation. When he revealed the gift inside, his eyes sparkled with joy. "Is this really for me?"

"A gift from Santa Claus to you!" I said with a smile and a nod.

Derval hefted his present, which was a shiny axe.

"Thank you, Santa!" Derval laughed joyously. "Who made this thing?"

"Why, Santa's worker elves of course!" I explained. "They create all of Santa's gifts."

"Incredible." Derval gasped. "Though to be honest, I think I'd enjoy being gifted one of Santa's worker elves instead of a new axe. I think most of my people would think the same."

I eyed my elves and Derval hastily held up his hands. "Not your elves, of course. But if Santa has any he can spare that aren't claimed by any man my fellow orcs and I would be happy to take care of them for him."

"I see..." I muttered.

I handed out presents to all the orcs outside, and while they were each thrilled by their gifts, the fires of conquest still burned in their hearts.

"Do you still plan to attack the elves, despite being show the joy of Christmas?" I asked on strong and brutish orc.

"Of course!" The orc replied, rubbing his belly as he ate another piece of his present, a large box of chocolates. "Now that I know elves can craft such delicious snacks, I'm even more motivated to conquer them so I can eat these every day!"

"It seems Derval was right." Sava sighed. "We've only made things worse..."

"Everyone, give me a moment to think..." I muttered.

Everyone left me alone for a bit, and I pondered my plight. The orcs wanted to fight too badly, and nothing but total conquest of the elves would satisfy them. I felt an idea just within reach, but it eluded me still.

My thoughts were interrupted when an thin elvish hand swept the curtain wide.

"Ha! Look, the patriarch of the Hearthwood failed so terribly at bribing the orcs! The queen should have put me in charge of this diplomatic mission! I could have bribed them with far greater ease." The speaker was one of the diplomats from the capital, and one who didn't seem to think very highly of me.

I leaped to my feet as the idea that had be eluding me finally snapped into place. "That's it! I have the perfect gift!"

I grabbed the diplomat by the arm and she instantly went limp. "Illiel, knock this one out for me!"

Illiel pressed her fingers to her temple, conjuring waves of magic. But before she could cast anything Yorik bopped the elf on the head with her hammer, knocking her out cold.

"Much faster." Yorik grinned and gave me a big thumbs up.

"Alright everyone, now this will really test your gift wrapping skills!" I said.

***

With gift wrapping supplies sent from the Hearthwood we tied the hostile diplomat up with ribbons and stuffed her into a box. Her companions came looking for her not long after, and they were equally belligerent to my cause. That made it easy to knock them out as well and stuff them into more boxes.

"Whew," I wiped sweat from my brow as I hoisted a package. "I'm sure Derval will love this gift!"

We went and found the orc sitting by the fire outside. I presented the first box we'd wrapped to him, just as I had the axe.

"Another gift for me?" The orc asked. "I'll have to send a few war trophies back to this Santa Claus guy."

"Open it." I grinned and wrung my hands expectantly. Behind me my elves looked on with expressions of eagerness.

The orc unwrapped the box to find the elf diplomat tucked neatly inside. She blinked up at Derval with dreamy eyes.

"An elf of my own, it's just what I've always wanted!" Derval cried with joy as he pulled the elf diplomat out of the box. "Now there's no reason for me to go raiding this year. Thank you, Santa!"

"All in a day's work for Saint Nick." I laughed.

"What!?" The other orcs leaped to their feet with greed. "I want a present like that!"

"Not to worry." I smiled. "It turns out the diplomatic team was just large enough for everyone here." I passed out boxes to every orc, and they each jumped for joy as they unwrapped their presents. More orcs were gathering to see what all the commotion was about, and the elves and I quickly realized we were about to run out of presents.

"What do we do, Theo?" Illiel asked.

"I have just the plan." I said. "There are six countries attacking Deania, right? They should all be filled with elves, and I bet many of them have been very naughty this year."

"Correct. The Sunspire Kingdom and the Aquallian Trade Federation are to the east and west." Illiel said.

"Perfect, then lets go find more presents!" I laughed merrily.

***

Back in the Hearthwood, my worker elves manufactured more ribbons and wrapping paper. They'd made no small number of toys which I passed along in my travels.

"Come one and all!" I announced as I set down in the middle of a field in the center of the Sunspire Kingdom's camp. "Gifts for everyone."

"Gifts? What's the occasion?" A Sunspire elf asked curiously as she polished her sword. Her weapon was still wet with blood where she'd just recently been executing innocent elves from Deania just moments before. In fact, all the warriors from the Sunspire Kingdom were neck-deep in equally cruel and vicious acts.

"It seems you've all been naughty elves." I realized as I saw how evil they all were. "So instead of receiving presents, you'll become presents!"

The matriarchs of the Hearthwood quickly descended upon the evil army of elves from the Sunpsire Kingdom. Most were only heartwielders, and the rest were mage acolytes. With Amisra helping us, even their true mage commander was swiftly defeated and knocked out with mind magic.

"Perfect." I declared once the job was done. "Now Illiel, use plenty of mind magic to make sure they make good and delightful presents. We'll leave disciplining the evil out of these naughty, disobedient elves to the lucky future orc who gets to take care of them."

"Right!" Illiel agreed. Yorik needed no orders herself and quickly got to work joining Illiel's efforts to pacify the evil elves.

We bundled each of them up one by one once we were certain they'd make good presents and quickly went on our way, scouring the outskirts of the Sunspire Kingdom.

We hit the offensive forces of each enemy nation one at a time and collected all the most evil elves from their ranks to be turned into presents for the orcs.

But we weren't just flying around in my sleigh to collect presents, we were also there to distribute them.

"You look like a good, well-behaved village of elves who wouldn't dare attack the Hearthwood or the Deanian Queendom!" I said once I came upon a small hamlet tucked between a pair of mountains.

"No sir, Esteemed True Mage." The elves of the hamlet groveled. "Please, we have little tribute to offer, but we will give you all we have."

"No need for tribute." I waved a hand. "If anything, I wish to give gifts to you! Here, gifts for one and all, made in the Hearth-- I mean, crafted in Santa's Workshop!"

"Incredible! I needed a new hoe to work the field!"

"This enchanted water purification system will make getting drinking water much easier!"

"This set of magical ropes will improve my sex life!"

All the elves celebrated as my women brought out candy and cakes. Soon I had the whole hamlet singing carols together and coming to understand the joy of Christmas.

"Seeing such pure and wholesome joy brings a tear to my eye." I wiped my face as the elves started sharing their presents with one another.

***

We made several trips back to orcish lands, distributing boxes of elves-turned-presents to each and every deserving orc. I delighted in knowing how bright and beaming their smiles would be as they unwrapped their presents and found what they'd always wanted tucked away neatly inside. I was getting rid of all the evil elves and turning them into wonderful gifts, while at the same time rewarding all the good elves and orcs I could find.

We made our way east towards the Aquallian Trade Federation to do the same as what we'd done in the Sunspire Kingdom. One by one, we gathered up bands of evil elves, collected them, and sent them back to orc lands to be wrapped up as Christmas presents. We doubled back to orc lands, sweeping through the streets and making sure everyone who'd been good received a present.

Orcs looked up and pointed as we soared over their heads, looking at the bright red sleigh and the jolly man inside it. Behind me, the matriarchs of the Hearthwood tossed out boxes containing evil elves who had been made into perfect presents. They were each very well wrapped, so even those that hit the ground didn't suffer a scratch. But most were caught by eager orcs before they even came close to touching the ground.

Sava used nature zeal to conjure giant pine trees in the middle of the orc town. Under those trees we stashed most of our extra boxes of elves. We made more trees between every cluster of houses, distributing enough presents for every orc to get one.

"We received everything we ever wanted for Christmas!" An orc shouted joyfully. "Now there's no need to go raiding this season!"

I dusted my hands, work done. Tivana was going to be amazed!

"This is such fun!" Amisra laughed joyously. "As the captain of the Palace Guard, I never caught so many criminals in one night!"

"Santa knows who's been naughty and who's been nice!" I laughed as we rode northward. "Now while we're at it, lets take care of the rest of the four enemy nations!"

For the next few hours, we swept through one nation to the next. Surprisingly, all the most powerful cultivators were perfectly willing to look the other way as we swept their evil underlings away.

"I'm the High Chancellor of the Lifekeeper Sanctum!" One sorcerer-realm elf declared. "How dare you attack my villages!"

"I'm not attacking you." I said by way of explanation. "I'm just delivering presents! I'm Santa Claus!" I tossed the High Chancellor a box of fine paints, crafted from plants back in the Hearthwood.

The High Chancellor gazed at the package, full of surprise and wonder. "Paining has always been my secret passion! How did you know!?"

"I'm Santa!"

"Oh." She said. "Well... for a box of paints this fine, I suppose you can do whatever you want with the heartwielders and mage acolytes. I only really need the true mages."

I nodded in thanks, and the High Chancellor left to do some painting. Then I set myself to the task of visiting every small village and town.

And so the Lifekeeper Sanctum and the Golden Sword Society quickly laid down their arms to celebrate Christmas. One by one, I swept the evil underlings away so at most any battles that happened after today would involve just a handful of wizards and sorcerers. The Rakaren Queendom and the Ancient Tree Temple were the same.

We returned to orc land briefly to have a formal peace treaty signed with Derval, who barely had time for us with how tightly he was cuddling and kissing his new elf.

"Yes, a peace treaty? I'll sign on behalf of my father." He said as he hastily scribbled something on the slip of paper I provided.

"Perfect!" I said. "We've spread Christmas to the entire continent by now!"

"You're right." Sava agreed. "The only place we haven't gone is the Hearthwood. I hear the patriarch there has been very good this year."

"Very good indeed." Eltiana said. She stepped aside to reveal Amisra, the palace guard captain, wrapped up in ribbons and wrapping paper. Then she shrugged out of her elf costume herself to reveal she too was tied up like a present. One by one, my elves disrobed to reveal tidy red bows and wrapping paper coiled sensually around their bodies.

"I suppose Santa deserves a few presents as well." I said with a grin. "Let's head home."

Author's Note:

The moral of this story is that if you're a very good orc, next Christmas Theo will put an elf under your tree for you as well. But if you're a naughty elf, Theo will wrap you up and put you under a tree instead.

Obviously, this is a non-canon story. I wrote it for fun while I'm supposed to be editing the next chapter. Happy Holidays!

PS: Thank you all for your Christmas gift to me! There was extra money in the Patreon fund even after I set aside money for the next two books' artwork, so I decided to have you guys buy me a copy of The Monsters Know What They're Doing. 

If the monsters start getting the better of Theo, he'll have you guys to blame!