December 2022 Story (Chapter 6) (Patreon)

“Masha…” Pawel murmured.

He let the name hang there in the stillness of the night above his bed. Who was the last person who remembered her name? Possibly the old captain of the guard whom she talked about. But he was dead by now, killed during the Walchan Civil War. The kingdom was in turmoil then and Masha, the Whore of Walcha, quietly sat through it in the dungeon. Maybe it was divine providence that she had been jailed so that she could one day meet Pawel.

“Masha,” he whispered again. Such a simple name, but something old about it too. None of the maids had a name like that. They were more like Anna, Karina, Tanya, or Peri. Masha was an old name. It meant “mistress”, and he chuckled when he thought about that.

When winter began to thaw and the snow disappeared from the forest, Pawel knew it was time to seriously prepare for their elopement.

He quietly and secretly stored provisions in his quarters underneath his bed and scattered throughout the room. A packet of rations by his desk, a flask stuffed in his bookshelf, a loaf of bread in his knapsack. He stole these things piece by piece whenever he got food to feed Masha.

Pawel chose the spring equinox for them to flee. Everyone would be busy celebrating the coming of spring, much like any other yearly celebration. It was around midnight when he finished packing his knapsack and took one last good look at his quarters, where he had spent the past five years or so learning how to be a man.

He didn’t stay for long being stuck in sentimentality. He was eager to start a new life.

He slipped by the corridors on his tiptoes, avoiding any stray maids who were finishing up laundry.

As he descended into the dungeon, the laughter and camaraderie became more and more distant, until the familiar cold musky air greeted him in silence. He took longer to get there, not wanting to rush and be heard or stir the other prisoners.

And just then when he was about to descend the final staircase, he heard the doors of the cells behind him open.

A dozen scraggy hands reached out for him. The prisoners were free! A mass of smelly, old men with raggedy beards and toothy scowls yelled out and tried to grab him. Pawel brandished his sword and threatened them.

They nearly pushed him down the stairs were it not for his quick footing. He turned round and inadvertently pushed one of the prisoners down the staircase.

From upstairs, he heard scurrying boots coming for him.

“There he is!”

Jacek. He led the guardsmen with Moretz. They all had their spears at the ready, and every one of them was grinning from ear to ear.

“Good work, scoundrels,” Jacek said. “You all earned extra meals!”

Pawel scowled. He wasn’t going to let them have at him. He ran downstairs, to which Jacek laughed. His voice echoed, “There’s nowhere to run! You’re trapped, you fool!”

Pawel burst through the large wooden door that led to Masha’s floor. He locked it behind him. That would only keep them away for a few minutes, but he did have an idea. He had thought of a contingency plan for months.

The guards were already trying to break down the door when he reached Masha. She instantly knew that they had been caught and said with dire eyes, “There’s nothing we can do. We failed.”

But Pawel was not the least bit worried. He kept a grin on his face and unfurled his rations and started giving them to her. At some point, someone would have had to get suspicious at the growing rate of missing food and supplies. He wasn’t surprised at them catching onto it. The use of the prisoners to try and catch him in the act did surprise him, but he had a backup plan nonetheless. He had packed brussels sprouts. Plenty of brussels sprouts. More brussels sprouts than any normal human would want to be bothered with.

Masha widened her eyes at them falling from his knapsack.

“One force-feeding session,” he said. “For old time’s sake?”

Masha smiled and let him jam them into her mouth. She ate quickly, practically swallowing them whole. She nearly choked at one point but regained her composure. The guards were now starting to hack open the door. Moretz suggested shooting an arrow through the hole, stating that he had a clear shot of Pawel, but Jacek warned him that the king wanted Pawel alive to teach him a lesson.

Masha tore through over two dozen brussels sprouts in a couple minutes. Pawel was greatly impressed and very aroused, though he knew it was not the time. She had eaten so much in such a short amount of time that she suddenly stopped and fell to her knees. She hugged her stomach and moaned.

“Masha,” Pawel said, “what happened?”

But Masha didn’t answer. She continued to moan in pain. She sat back and Pawel blinked twice at her belly – it swelled up right before his eyes! The button on her skirt popped for good this time, breaking off and ricocheting off the wall behind him. Her stomach was so loud that he could hear it grumble despite all the commotion mere feet away behind the broken door.

“Pawel…” she groaned. “I don’t think I’ll be able to walk…”

“No problem,” he said.

This called for his newfound strength. He unlocked her cell and in one swoop carried her over his shoulder, with his backpack full of supplies already on his back. She squealed, and he sensed that she was pleased based on how surprised she was at how easily he lifted her.

“Oh my, Pawel…”

He faced the door. Moretz had broken a large slit with an axe, enough to fit his entire face through. Once he locked eyes with Pawel, he stuck his head through and squinted, then gaped in horror.

Pawel took one of the torches and leveled it with Masha’s bum. He lifted up her skirt to expose her bare bottom.

Moretz pulled back and screamed, “RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT!”

Masha took a deep breath and grunted.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

The fiery blast nearly singed Pawel’s eyebrows. He recoiled in amazement at the massive long fireball that blew down the door. The guards cried out and toppled over each other, clambering to get back up the stairs.

“Auuuggghhhhhhh!” Masha moaned.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes…it’s just…so much.”

Once the embers died out, Pawel carried her through the broken doorway. He stepped over dazed guards and hurried upstairs. Jacek was in his way, and before the captain could protest, Masha shouted, “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”

PPPPFFFFFFfffffffppppppPPPppPPPppPhhHHhhhhhhttttTTTTtttTTTtttTTT!

Jacek screamed, rolling on the floor trying to snuff out the flames. The pungent odor of Masha’s gas now filled the dungeon, suffocated everyone around them in a thick green fog. The prisoners took advantage of the situation and clambered up the next staircase to escape. Pawel followed them, and Castle Ludwig quickly descended into utter mayhem. Escaped prisoners crashed through the kitchen stealing food. They broke through the rooms stealing whatever they could find, rousing people from their sleep. Maids screamed, guards were trampled in the narrow corridors, all the while Masha broke wind again and spread her gas throughout Castle Ludwig.

Pawel took a moment to muster his energy by an alcove. He stopped to watch people running past them and said, “I think you need to hold it in for a moment. Things are getting out of hand.”

“I can’t!” Masha cried. “I literally can’t. My anus feels like it’s going to---”

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Pawel yelped. He lowered the torch but it was too late. Another fireball shot down the hallway like the breath of a dragon. Maids shrieked and ran for their lives. When the coast was clear, Pawel made his way out through the roof. From there, under the midnight sky, he ran with some prisoners down the outside stairwell. They accidentally bumped into and toppled over unsuspecting guards.

At last, they were on foot on the ground. Pawel huffed as he booked it towards the river, following it westward like she said. With each step she farted more and more, expelling a trail of green gas on the way. Pawel realized that the green gas would leave a literal trail behind them. He stopped and turned to see it. Luckily, it was dissipating and spreading throughout the woods. The few guards that tried to follow them found the smell so repulsive that they couldn’t go any further.

Pawel laughed, and continued running away. They didn’t have time to fetch a horse like they had hoped, but this was good enough. He had boundless energy bolting through the night. Eventually, Masha stopped farting, having used up every ounce of brussels sprouts inside of her belly. She had farted so much that she seemed dazed and moaned a lot.

“Do you need me to stop?” he said.

“No. My arse just feels hot and sore,” she mumbled.

Around an hour later, Pawel finally felt tired. He set Masha down, surprised to see her passed out asleep, and pitched a tent for the night from his backpack.

The forest had a foreboding darkness and silence that gave him second thoughts. Maybe this wouldn’t work. Maybe something was out there lurking in the dark ready to pounce. There was hardly a sound, and that put him on edge.

He thought about what he had just done, and the life he left behind. Maybe someday in the future when this blew over, he could visit his mother again, or at the very least send a letter by crow. Crows were smart little creatures, weren’t they? Masha might know a thing or two about them.

Masha slept soundly. He laid down next to her inside the tent. She snored loudly as before, and he smirked. Then his eyelids felt heavy.