ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: TAX SHELTER CAKE! (Chocolate-Espresso Poundcake) (Patreon)

So we’ve been reading In the Night Kitchen a lot lately. And in that book, bafflingly, the message that there are magical bakers who really need to get a cake made every night so we can “have cake every morning” is just…SUPER emphasized.

And naturally, the three-year-old didn’t take long to be all: Um…what are we doing wrong in this, our lives, that we don’t have cake every morning like this authoritative book clearly says we should be?

Thanks a lot, Maurice Sendak.

This was the "morning cake" I ended up making. Because when queried, the child asked for chocolate, and I have had a lifetime of plain chocolate cakes. And we had a lot of eggs. Which often means poundcake.

Now, this beast is approved by zero doctors. I adapted a couple of recipes to get this glorious unit I’ve been calling Tax Shelter Cake—because it’s so fucking rich the rules don’t apply to it.

Beware: There is enough sugar in a slice to make Satan himself climb out of the body of a toddler, and enough butter to choke Paula Deen. I would highly recommend omitting the final espresso step when making this for a child—Satan does not need his friend caffeine to come out and play. You can easily substitute the espresso for orange or raspberry flavoring for that final moisture-adding.

But other than that, it’s about the easiest fancy cake. The icing is so very forgiving of nine-thumb foxes like me who can’t make it look like a Bake-Off artistic statement. I made the whole lot of batter and then froze half for a later sequel—half this recipe nicely fills a loaf pan. If you prefer bundt, use it all and regret nothing.

Vanilla ice cream? A must.

Chocolate-Espresso Poundcake Ingredients

2 cups flour

¾ cup unsweetened dark cocoa powder OR 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder and 1/4 cup black cocoa powder

1 teaspoon espresso powder

½ teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1½ cups unsalted butter 339 grams, room temperature (3 sticks yo)

3 cups + 1 tablespoon granulated sugar

5 large eggs

2 teaspoons real maple syrup

1 cup sour cream

1 shot espresso

1/4 cup warm water

For Chocolate Glaze

¾ cup semisweet chocolate chips

3 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 tablespoon light corn syrup

¼ teaspoon vanilla extract

Let’s Do It Ourselves Just Like the 1% Don’t

Preheat oven to 350.

Grease and flour a loaf or bundt pan depending on your preference and set aside.

Combine flour, salt, baking powder, espresso powder, and cocoa powders in a large bowl and mix with a fork. This adds air to the ingredients; use a fork!

In stand mixer or with a hand-held one, cream butter and sugar together for 5 minutes—and yes I mean 5 whole actual minutes. Add maple syrup, then eggs one at a time, allowing each to be incorporated before the next. Repeat with sour cream and mix on medium until just blended.

Add half the dry ingredients mixture and allow to incorporate completely. Then add the rest a little at a time. Don’t overmix, just allow it to come together uniformly, then stop.

Turn batter into prepared pan and bake for 1 hour and 20 minutes.

Allow cake to cool for 10 minutes, then run a knife around the perimeter and turn it out onto a rack to completely cool before adding the glaze.

While it cools, prepare the espresso depth charge and the icing.

Combine water, espresso, and sugar in a small pot. Bring to a boil, then lower heat and let simmer for 1-2 minutes. Using a large soup spoon, spoon the mixture evenly onto the top of the cake, allowing it to soak through. If you want more intense coffee flavor, you can double the amounts.

Finally, put all glaze ingredients in a large microwave-safe bowl and microwave on high at one minute intervals until all is liquid and whiskable. This took about four minutes in my microwave, but microwaves vary wildly, so just do a minute at a time until it feels and looks right.

When cake is completely cooled, put plastic under the rack and pour glaze on, attempting, like a boss, to enrobe it all in one or two passes. The icing will drip artfully down the sides and look like you did it on purpose.

The glaze will set to a fudge-like consistency in about 20 minutes.

Serve with ice cream, immediately pass out in a food coma.