ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS A QUARANTINE BONUS RECIPE: The Actual Best Cheeseburger and Special Sauce (Patreon)

The Actual Best Homemade Cheeseburger and Special Sauce

*Just like last month, I'm posting a bonus recipe for all patrons at all levels BECAUSE WE ARE ALL STUCK AT HOME HAVING TO COOK FOR OURSELVES and it's BEEN A MILLION YEARS NOW and we're out of ideas mostly. The main Experiment ALLCAPS COOKBOOK Recipe will be an entirely new and different one. This baby is just because I love you guys and I don't want any of you risking your lives at a drive thru when, believe it or not, this is faster than a trip out for food or delivery.

So. Deep breath, brace yourselves.

This is it. Much like the brownies, this is the Real Deal. The best version I’ve ever managed of the simple yet often disappointing homemade burger. I decided to experiement BECAUSE I HAVE THE TIME NOWADAYS and see if I could come up with something that satisfied my fast food lust but just a little bit more wholesome and filling and not entirely trash. Homemade patties often just don’t quite have the same softness and flavor, they mostly taste like the grill. 

And this was ridicuously perfect. So perfect I forgot to take a picture of it until we had demolished half of our second burgers each DON’T JUDGE US YOU WILL HAVE TWO TOO. So that’s the photo. Rescuing evidence from the maw of burger hunger.

Put whatever toppings you like on it—I used Old Croc Extra Sharp Cheddar because it’s my favorite, but a melty American would be more authentic to the roadside burger experience. But do yourself a favor and make the special sauce. It isn’t the Official Unofficial McDonalds recipe because I didn’t have all that crap and going to the store is a stage 4 biohazard. It’s the nearest thing I had to each ingredient and it turned out WAY better than the real thing.

I’m so freaking proud of myself, you guys, I can’t even begin to explain the puffed-up chest this gave me. It’s just top to bottom Right. Soft meat, so much flavor you barely need ketchup, but perfectly balanced so no one ingredient stands out, gooey cheese, sweet and tangy sauce. I CRUSHED IT. TO DEATH.

So here it is, my gift to you IN THESE TRYING TIMES TM because WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER TM and frankly we all deserve a big fat comfort food right now.

Ingredients

Patties:

1 pound 80/20 ground beef

1 teaspoon dijon mustard

1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1/2 teaspoon salt (substitute hickory smoked salt if you have it and you won’t be  sorry)

1/2 teaspoon pepper

1/4 packet Goya Sazon Con Culantro Y Achiote (you can find this easily in your  hispanic food aisle but if you don’t have it, it’s fine, just add a pinch more salt)

1/4 cup minus 1 tablespoon toasted breadcrumbs 

1 tablespoon granulated parmesan (the green bottle is fine, nicer is fine too)

1 egg

1 clove of garlic

1 tablespoon roasted garlic or caesar salad dressing

Sauce:

1/3 cup mayonnaise

1 tablespoon ketchup

1 tablespoon dill pickle juice

Three shakes worstershire 

A brief squeeze of lemon juice

1 teaspoon sriracha

1/2 teaspoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

1/4 teaspoon italian seasoning

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

Salt to taste

Fixings:

(All recommended, substitute at will)

Brioche buns

Iceberg, Romaine Lettuce, or Arugula

1-2 slices Old Croc Extra Sharp Cheddar per pattie (or one slice American)

Tomatoes

Thin sliced white onion

Bacon if you want to roll that way

Slices of dill pickle so you can take them out and throw them away FOR THAT  AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE

BURGER IT JUST A LITTLE BIT

Toast breadcrumbs, italian seasoning, and parmesan lightly until just golden brown in toaster oven or a dry pan, set aside to cool.

In a large bowl, whisk egg and all non-beef ingredients. 

Crumble ground beef into the egg mixture.

Combine with your hands, but don’t overwork, the less you handle this the better.  Gently shape into four-five patties, depending on your HUNGER LEVELS. 

Make a depression in the center of each pattie with your thumb to keep it from curling up at the edges.

Lightly oil grill or pan or grill pan. 

Arrange patties on grill or pan on medium heat, cover with lid and cook for 5-6 minutes per side. Do not turn more than once or otherwise mess with them. This will give you a medium-well burger for safety’s sake. Reduce time to 4-5 minutes for medium.

In the last minute of cooking the last side, lay cheese slices on patties and replace cover. Allow to melt. 

While the patties cook, stick your buns in the toaster and make the sauce. It’s…pretty easy. You put all the ingredients together and whisk vigorously until combined. Taste and adjust if necessary.

Sauce goes on buns, patties go on next, add your fixings, and I won’t judge you for having two just like you didn’t judge me.