ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Oh No I Made the Perfect Brownie and I Wept for There Were No More Worlds to Conquer (Patreon)

 Brownies are just this whole thing. Storebought, from a package, from scratch…it’s an endless quest for perfection, and nothing is ever quite there. 

UNTIL NOW.

My friend Cylia made these and then I altered them because THAT’S HOW I DO PRAY I DO NOT ALTER THE RECIPE FURTHER (but also because as originally written these directions did not work in my oven at all) and now the quest…is over. There is an emptiness. A knowledge that never again will we ride out together with visions of the brownie grail dancing in our souls.

It is done.

And look, I don’t want to hear about your weird idea that brownies shouldn’t have nuts. That’s inappropriate and frankly borderline blaspehemy. They should have MORE NUTS THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. Okay, whatever, put the nuts in or take them out, but don’t take them out, brownies need walnuts, you’re just wrong. You have to have that bittnerness and crunch in there! WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN.

So here it is. For your quarantine pleasure. The perfect brownie. And yeah, you might need to get black cocoa powder delivered but it’s there online for the having and you won’t regret it but if you don’t have it just double up the dark unsweetened cocoa powder.

Don’t say I never did nothing for you.

Ingredients

16 tablespoons (1 cup) salted butter, cut into small cubes

2 1/2 cups granulated sugar

3/4 cup Dutch-process special dark cocoa powder

3/4 cup black cocoa powder (or an additional 3/4 cup of the above)

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons maple syrup or vanilla extract

4 big-ass eggs

1 cup + 2 tablespoons cake flour or 1 cup all purpose flour

1 cup chopped walnuts

3 ounces coarsely chopped semisweet or bittersweet chocolate

Optional: another 2 ounces to chop fine and sprinkle on top. I found this  unnecessary gilding the lily

DO THE THING 

Preheat oven to 350. Line whatever your favorite brownie-making receptacle is with parchment paper and yes you have to.

Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Whisk in both cocoa powders, sugar and salt, set aside to cool. This is gonna get thick and gloppy af so don’t worry, it all works out in the end but it takes a little muscle.

Whisk (sounds light and fairy like but actually is hard work) vanilla or maple syrup, then eggs one at a time. Use a silicon spatula to fold in flour, then add chocolate chunks and walnuts and mix until just combined. No overmixing!

Pour into receptacle, sprinkle chocolate over the top if you want, however, I found this makes it a little too sweet and prevents some of that wonderful surface-cracking we all love. I don’t think you need it, but it’s there if you want it.

Bake for 25-35 minutes depending on how heavy your receptacle is. They’re done when the top has cracked and a fork inserted comes out moist with little bits of batter but not liquid. It will never come out clean, these are too rich for that, so don’t wait for a clean fork. 

EAT FOREVER.