ALLCAPS COOKBOOK: Creamy Parmesan Pasta with Brussels Sprouts and Bacon (Patreon)

It is with deep gratitude that I say: this is going to be my last goddamned diabeetus recipe. CLEAR SEAS AND FULL CARBS AHEAD.

I’m tired of all of it, and honestly this dish was the one culinary bright spot in my life over the last month. I took a gamble on the idea that there was enough fat and protein in it to balance out the pasta and WON HELL YES. It’s all rich and terrible for you and delicious and sorry, but my kid needs carbs to build a brain (and now I can’t stop thinking about a Build-A-Brain workshop in every mall in America because HONESTLY WE NEED THAT PRONTO) so I ATE SOME SUE ME. I couldn’t take any more brown rice and bread with farmers’ untoasted souls baked into it. I’M SO WEAK.

Anyway.

This is also ridiculously easy to make. If you want good eats the next day I would recommend toasting the sprouts in the oven rather than microwaving to maintain the texture but who are we kidding, ain’t nobody got time for that. Other than that, I can hardly think of an easier sauce. I’m not a huge fan of creamy sauces, mostly because they are so much cream and so little else. But this is mainly cheese and garlic, so we are friends. I used some leftover curry-braised chicken from this recipe to beef up the protein, but that is very much optional if your life does not currently revolve around measuring every gram of carbs you eat and adding triple the protein to it because you have someone on board WHO CAN’T HANDLE HIS SUGAR. GET ON MY LEVEL, BABY.

I’M NOT BITTER. I SWEAR. 

So here we have it, the last recipe before I am two, and can go back to actually cooking things I love rather than combing for recipes that might not turn my beetus feetus into the Hulk. 

FALL IS GREAT WHEN CAN I ACTUALLY HAVE PIE 

Ingredients

Box o’ pasta (I used shells because that’s what I had, I’d have preferred penne, but what can you do LIFE IS COMPROMISE)

Many brussels sprouts, washed and cut in half (I used about 25 sprouts, again, this is very forgiving, use what you have.) 

6-8 strips bacon

1-2 tablespoons butter

6 cloves garlic

1 1/2 cups heavy cream

1/2 cup shredded white cheese (I used extra sharp cheddar, though I think brie would be AMAZEBALLS, I’M JUST NOT ALLOWED TO EAT IT CURSE EVERYTHING and so would a nutty swiss or other mild meltable)

1/4 cup shredded fresh parmesan (not that parmy dust shit come on now)

Salt, pepper, and chili flakes to taste.

LET’S DO THIS THING

Fry up the bacon in an oven-safe pan. I used my cast iron, you can use whatever as long as it won’t lose its mind in the oven and have a breakdown. Remove and set aside. When cool, crumble that shit. Pour out about half the fat, it’s too much and will make the meal too salty. A bit of white wine will deglaze the pan, or a dash of beer. 

And half the butter to the pan. Or, if you want drier sprouts, none of it. When it’s all bubbling, place sprouts in, face down. Let brown, turning occasionally so that they crisp without burning, about 4-5 minutes. The browner the better! 

Crush garlic and add in along with the rest of the butter, stirring briskly so that it doesn’t burn. Probably no more than 45 seconds. Pour in cream, put heat on low, and let it all bubble up together. Sauce may turn green like a pesto! This is awesome! If it’s too thin, combine about a teaspoon and a half of cornstarch and cold water in a cup, whisk until mixed, and pour in. This will thicken the sauce. Add black pepper and maybe even a bit of basil if you have some on hand. I wouldn’t say no to a pinch of chili flakes, either. Fuck it, give it a squirt of sriracha, I won’t tell. 

Turn off heat, dump ALLLL THAT CHEESE in. Bacon, too. Braised chicken if you’re doing that part. Give it one solid stir, not really enough to combine it all but enough to coat the cheese in the sauce. Jam that mess in the oven on 375 for 12 minutes, and if you want it super brown, move it to broil for 2 at the end. 

I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND SALTING THIS DISH until it’s at table. Bacon and parm are both very salty, and you probably will want to taste it before you add any more. Also, IF NOT FOR THE BLOODY BEETUS BARON, I would finish this baby with a generous drizzle of balsamic vinegar reduction and some thyme or basil. BUT THAT SUGAR THO. I had to stick with the basil alone. YOU MAY BE FREER THAN I.