ALLCAPS COOKBOOK: Caldo Verde (Portuguese Sausage and Kale Soup) (Patreon)

CALDO VERDE!

So, you know I fucking love food? And how cool it was that my pregnancy got rid of my dairy allergy and I could eat just, like, ALL THE CHEESECAKE? 

My body was like AHAHA FUCK YOU. I have gestational diabetes, also known as the dreaded FETUS BEETUS. And no, it’s not because of the cheesecake, it just means my placenta is trash and can’t handle two blood sugar generating rock stars in one body. It goes away when I Ridley Scott a living being into this world. So what does that mean for me and the cookbook through to the end of September (we hope, preterm labor is now on the table OH MY GOD ARE WE HAVING FUN TALKING ABOUT GARBAGE BODIES YET)?

It means: LOL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IS NOW POISON NOW STAB YOURSELF FOUR TIMES A DAY BUT SMILE WHILE YOU’RE DOING IT BECAUSE FORGET STRESS IS BAD FOR THE BABY 3 2 1 GO.

I. Hate. Everything. 

So I look at the things I like to cook and see like MAYBE three or four things that are still edible while my shitty raccoon-womb whinges and moans about every goddamn measly gram of carbohydrates for the next eight weeks. ISN’T THE MIRACLE OF LIFE BEAUTIFUL AND SPECTACULAR I WANT MY CHEESECAKE.

But! Here is one! It’s meant to have potatoes so you should have potatoes in it, but I took them out because A POTATO IS TOO SPICY FOR MOI RIGHT THIS SECOND. This is Caldo Verde, a Portuguese sausage and kale soup, so actually good for you no matter how you make it due to MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF KALE. SO MUCH KALE DUDE. APOKALEYPSE NOW. I know high summer isn’t the IDEAL time for hot soup, but it’s a great way to use up greens from the garden and SOME OF US DON’T HAVE MANY OPTIONS OKAY

Caldo Verde

Ingredients

Just a shit ton of chorizo (Serious measurements: 5-6 links, more is never bad)

Just a shit ton of kale (Serious measurements: at least one full bunch, shredded, one and a half IF YOU’RE LIVING KALE DANGEROUSLY)

1 large yellow onion, diced (or head of fennel)

3-4 small potatoes (you can skin them if you want, I rarely bother, but it would probably be nicer skinned, but also laziness)

5-6 cloves garlic

3 cups chicken stock

1-2 cups water

1 tsp paprika

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp cayenne

1 lonely lashing of heavy cream

Salt and pepper to taste

HERE WE GO NEXT STOP SOUP JUNCTION

Ok, so first chop up the potatoes into small chunks and fry them in olive oil until they brown on all sides. Remove from pan. Add diced onion and fry in olive oil until just translucent. Then just squeeze all that chorizo out of its casings and crumble into a large pan. Proper, traditional caldo verde has giant slices of sausage but I like things a little more bite size FOR MY DAINTY-ASS MOUTH. Fry it until it browns nicely on the bottom, then add the garlic. Don’t let the garlic burn, because ew, gross. After 30-45 seconds, with the garlic browning, add the stock and water. You want a rich broth, but not to overwhelm the chorizo with chicken flavor. Add spices and bring to boil, then lower heat and allow to simmer for 30 minutes. 

Put potatoes back in, simmer for another 20 minutes or until tender and soft. 

You should have a pile of shredded kale ready to go at this point. JUST DUMP IT ALLLLLLL IN. Stir and let it wilt and combine with the other flavors. It should go bright green, and you’ll want to turn off the heat after 4-5 minutes. Add a little stream of heavy cream, not too much, just enough to rule them all and in the darkness bind them. 

Adjust seasoning. 

Serve with THE GIANT HUNKS OF WHITE CRUSTY BREAD I CAN’T HAVE AND ENJOY, DAMN YOU