Milestone Reached! ...wait what. (Patreon)

Two Thousand and Two Hundred Fifty Nine Followers on Pixiv.

Twenty Four Dollars.

Twenty One Patrons

These are all numbers. I know that. I'm just having a hard time comprehending what they actually mean. 

Like, before I started this account, I figured I'd get maybe a dollar, two dollars if I was lucky by the end of this year. That twenty dollar goal might as well have been one million dollars. So the fact that I managed to reach that is uhh...yeah, still processing that. I set up a new goal that, while not a million, is still pretty high. (101$. The reward for it is something I still want to work out so for now, it's more of a progress bar than anything else.) 

I mean, for a little background. Back when I was on Deviantart, I had, after nearly 3 or 4 years, a 103 followers. Mind you, less than a third of those were my friends, some of them were actual folks who liked my stuff, but the mass majority of them were bought. Yeah, so like, Deviantart had this thing where you could buy followers and uhh...yeah I don't need to spell out how sad that is. 

The feedback I got from my art, were very far and in between, if I got any at all. (Aside from my friends.) But one comment I got I remember very strongly was something at the time I wasn't a huge fan of to say the least, but now I'm kinda thankful for. 

So, I'd upload these stupid, shitty comics that were unironically drawn in MS paint about various video games. They were terrible and to the surprise of no one, never got any attention. It was a miracle if they got 5 views. Which is why, to this day, I have no idea why a this person said something but it stuck with me and helped shaped who I am today. 

One day I uploaded a comic. It sucked, but I thought it was good. Then some guy comments on it saying that of all the fanart he's ever seen, this was the worst. Like okay, it's the internet. Quite frankly he could've said something way worse which I was planning on doing so myself as I headed to his page. I was gonna find a drawing of his and say it was "bad". Scathing. That would get him, or so I thought. 

I may have had shit taste, but even back then I knew the moment I saw his drawings he was light years ahead of me in every single way. Dude had amazing art and was making bank off of them. I knew I couldn't say shit to the guy so I didn't, but what I didn't know was why he said what he said. 

Like, for starters, dude must've been awfully sheltered if what I drew was the absolute worst fanart he'd ever seen since the dude's claim to fame was Sonic fanart. Out of everything that came out of fandom, somehow mine is the worst fanart you've ever seen? Like, he was talking fanart in general, not just Sonic mind you. Mine's wasn't even Sonic related, it was like a comic based on Golden Sun or some shit.

What's more puzzling to me is that why would someone who's clearly way above everyone else, has most definitely seen a lot of shit, thought to come down and take a dump on some random nobody. Why someone would go so far out of their way to do that is still confusing to me. I mean, internet I guess but why would you even bother putting in the effort to do that? 

So anyways, after that I decided to get more serious about my art and actually tried to learn how to do it. It's still an ongoing process as you can easily tell, but trust me when I say this, it's gotten a lot better. You can actually look at it now and not want to immediately kill yourself! 

There is a point to this story, I'm not just telling y'all this so I can bitch about that one time someone called me a poopy head. I'm telling you this to show the stark comparison between how a renowned, respected, well to do artist, "encouraged" me to do better by calling me a poopyhead and how y'all push me to do better in a lot more positive manner. 

I'm not even gonna pretend I know any of you guys, or have any idea of what y'all are like or do. Hell, I don't even speak the same language as some of y'all. (Though I've tried, and failed miserably. Mea culpa.) But some things don't have to be said to understand 'em, y'know? 

Sure, the guy did get me to improve, but it also made me rather nervous to post my stuff. Before, I'd draw whatever popped in my mind and upload it, but after that I got real careful 'bout what I drew. Not that it was entirely a bad thing, but it did take some of the wind out of my sails. I kinda got over my nervousness by just declaring whatever I did was shit first before anyone else could. That way I could pretend what I did was deliberately terrible so way to miss the joke, idiot, hah ha. It's not a tactic I'd recommend using as if you set off doing something thinking it was shit, then you're gonna think why bother doing it if it sucks. So you just stop doing it. 

It's uh, it's why I find making cards much easier to do than drawing. With these I could just blow any criticism off by saying "Ahh it's dumb anime porn bullshit. It's nothing seriously really. I did it for shits n' giggles so whatever." When I make cards, I just make them. I don't immediately concern myself over what others would think, or if the quality is good enough, if I should even bother, where's the artistic merit to it, should it even exist? And other such things that stress me out to the point that I just want to escape from it. So I distract myself, do other things to distance myself from it. I find myself deliberately stalling so as not to draw. Even when I do, if there's even a minor hiccup, it's all over. I quit. I give up. The thing in front of me sucks. Everyone's gonna laugh when they see it so why bother. 

Drawing is fun for me, really it is. It can be so gripping to me that I end up forgetting to eat until it's way late in the night. I can't quite convey through text how much I love doing it so you'll just have to trust me on this one. But due to various things including the experience I mentioned earlier, it's something I'm wary of doing nowadays. I guess you can compare it to loving to ride bikes, then you get in a terrible accident while riding downhill. Afterwards, you still want to ride, but it's now an incredibly anxiety inducing experience. The sheer thrill and freedom speed once offered you is now replaced with fear as you slowly creep around every corner, hoping to God nothing is there. Bit hyperbolic yeah but you get the idea. 

So far, y'all have been nothing but kind to me. Not to say it's because I'm perfect and there's nothing that I can improve on, that's patently false. But things seem a lot more...relaxed. Even when there are blatant errors that confuse the hell out of me over how I managed to overlook it, I haven't been crucified over it. (Or as Matt would put it, "cross-ified.") When there's an issue, you guys bring it up but I never get yelled at for it. Like, "Ey you made a mistake there, but overall it's fine." There are disagreements to how I did something at times, but it's levelheaded and civil. Iunno, I get this feeling that y'all are a lot more uh, appreciative? It feels like, there's an understanding of some kind, that I can mess up and then improve from my mistakes.

That's not even getting to some of the heartwarming messages y'all sent me. I know I know, I'm making a big deal over a fucking character maker, but I just wanna get across how your support affected me. Like, I'm making whatever the hell I want as a way to support myself pursuing a skill that's utterly dogshit in comparison to what I'm doing here. The fact that y'all are supporting me, even with all of that, I don't know man. What the fuck am I supposed to say?

Well, while I can't quite articulate how thankful I am for your support, what I can tell you is how it's changed me. I've actually picked up my pen again and it's slow going, but I've been drawing again without worrying so much about what people would think about it or how I need to do it in a certain way or...

I wish I had something more substantial and better  to show than the meager decorations I've made for this milestone, but that would be missing the point of what y'all been saying to me wouldn't it? You like my stuff for what it is right now. Not for what it could be or should be. Could it be better? Always, nothing's perfect after all. But it's good right now and that's fine with all of y'all. 

It may sound silly, but that's a foreign concept for me. So, thank you.