Blast From The Past (Patreon)

In these last few weeks of delving further into a spiritual practice and trying to figure out what spirituality is for me, I have come to learn so much about myself and how I have chosen to fit into this world.

Since I first started therapy as an adult (well, at least more continuous therapy, vs the one time I had to go for help on a particular situation), I have been learning how to take responsibility for my feelings. It´s not always a fast process, but it has been fascinating to see the shift in how I handle things now and how much easier it is for me to identify what´s making me feel a certain way. I tend to be in my masculine energy more, and it´s been quite easy to see now that I am trying to unlearn and relearn certain behaviors. I constantly am evaluating people and situations and trying to figure out the ¨why¨of things. In many ways, I feel like I am in the toddler stage of my personal growth, though in many others, I know I am beyond my earthly years.

One of the most interesting things I found was pertaining to astrology and my moon sign and rising sign. Most of us know our sun sign and this is the sign which magazine horoscopes and such are based on. My sun sign is Virgo, but it´s almost never resonated with me. Sure I recognize some of the traits in myself, but nothing is like OH THAT IS SO ME. Now, when I first read about my moon and rising signs... THAT IS SO ME!

I take all things with a grain of salt. Just because something resonates, I don’t take it as truth. I suppose that’s one good thing that came out of being brainwashed into religion at an early age. I’m extremely cautious when things start to feel, for lack of a better word, “off”. But this was one of those things that even if it´s not proving astrology to be truth, it was affirming to me that I’m at least on the right path by discovering things that make me feel seen, validated, and inspired. (I’ll delve more into astrology in another post, but if you find yourself curious, my moon sign is Leo and my rising sing is Taurus).

One of things I loved that I read was that (according to my chart) I find inspiration in my own story and that is just about the most accurate thing. For many years, probably since I was about 13, I’ve been able to find some sort of meaning or purpose in life’s challenges. When my mom was diagnosed with ALS, I was 13 and I remember processing it surprisingly fast for my age. I fully accepted it and knew that it was going to be part of my story. Even as I sit here typing this, I’m getting butterflies and emotional tightness in my chest. Every crazy, traumatic, painful thing that happened from there on out, I knew had purpose. When I was younger, I judged that feeling and interpreted it as me thinking it was cool that f*cked up things were happening just because it would make for a good story. And looking back, I wasn’t exactly “wrong” in thinking that, it was simply a more juvenile way of knowing those things needed to happen to me.

The more I move through this world and have new experiences in new places with new people, the more I realize that my journey is teaching me things that many folks won’t even have the chance to learn. Some of these lessons are huge and apply universally. Some are small and only pertain to my specific situation, but I think even the “small” ones have so much potential to resonate with other people and help them in their own lives.

Many, many of my lessons came from my years of being a traveling model. I haven’t felt comfortable sharing a lot of those photos because most of them are very sexual and many are nude. Several years ago, I decided to stop doing nude work and eventually I stopped doing much “sexy” stuff because I wanted to be able to reach people with deeper messages and my being naked was a huge deterrent to many. I had been so inside my own little community before meeting JD that I forgot a lot of the world wasn’t okay with a woman showing so much of her own skin. Crazy, huh? So many great photosets have been sitting lonely collecting Dropbox dust because I was afraid to let them see the light of day for fear people would see only the surface of me, and not my soul. And to be honest, that was exactly what I wanted for many years without knowing it. But now I am here, to share my heart and soul, AND MY BODY when I feel like it. I still am a little gun-shy in terms of shooting new super sexy content, but I have terabytes of photo storage that come with some great stories. Not all likely will have a lesson (or maybe I end up finding that lesson as I pull from the archives), but all will at least have a story. ...it’s funny as I type that because I always make fun of the Scotts for being story-telllers with their ridiculous exaggerations at times, but I guess I’m realizing that I’m a storyteller too, just minus the exaggerations with time, size, physicalities of people or sizes of things, etc. and I really get dramatic in regards to what my feelings were.

I hope you all enjoy these upcoming stories. I’m quite excited to share! As of now, I’m going to try to do a Throwback Thursday or Flashback Friday thing. Mostly because it’s just easier to remember with the alliteration. ;)