[26] Tournelle du Soleil • REHEARSALS WEEK (MTL) • Day 2 (Patreon)

Okay, you're just going to say it calmly and professionally, I remind myself. They're not going to make a big deal out of it if you don't make a big deal out of it. 

While I fixate on how to do this as if I haven't, in fact, been making a Very Big Deal out of it in my mind for the past couple days, Mindy and the other costumers are focused on minute details of the maillot costume.

They hold up thick decks of fabric swatches, searching for a shade of power mesh that matches my skin tone better than the current one. They fiddle with the positioning of the silver tubes of fabric running across the torso, pinning and re-pinning. I stand there quietly, breathing shallowly. 

“Okay all done. You can change back into your clothes,” Mindy says. Made it. 

“The client’s film team is supposed to be coming, though,” Anton adds. “So we can’t leave just yet.”

Film team?

Oh crap. I don’t want to have this conversation in front of more strangers than I need to. 

It’s a now-or-never moment to try to have this discussion with some degree of privacy. You rehearsed this in the car on the way up here. Come on. 

I take a deep breath and begin. 

“I’ve never had to have this conversation before, and it’s relevant in the context of what we’re all doing here but … uh …"  I trail off as the costumers all turn to look at me. My traitorous mouth immediately starts stalling. "Yeah. I’m not quite sure how best to say this, so –"

I register expressions that I'm interpreting as ranging from confused to impatient. Hurry up.

I try to rally, but my carefully concise practice lines have disappeared from my brain. "Do any of you have any trans men or trans-masculine people in your life who are on hormones …? On testosterone…?” I continue. 

Mindy considers me. “No, only women. At drag-con we were saying ‘Estrogen in one hip, Ozempic in the other!’” She throws her head back and laughs, popping a small hole in the tension I've accidentally created.

I’d offer a social-solidarity chuckle if I wasn’t scared shitless right now. I look to Anton: no. Genevieve looks politely lost as well: no. Dana, in the back, is regarding me with an expression I can’t quite name and slowly says, “Yes…”  

I grasp at this thread. “Okay, do they talk to you about hormone stuff? Like, about some of the changes that happen when you take testosterone…?" Dana looks uncertain. YOU'RE DRAGGING THIS OUT TOO MUCH. Fuck it. “...Like bottom growth?”

“Ah,” goes Dana quickly. 

Mindy, Anton, and Genevieve look about as unsure as they did before and I want to melt into the ground.

I press on, powering through the practical part of this production discussion: “Look, that mesh material is really thin and I need–" I search for the right words in my flatlining brain, landing on: "I need a non-binary version of a dance belt at this point, please.” Facepalm. 

That’s just about used up my courage. 

If Dana knows what I’m talking about, then they can all talk about the details of what that means later, when I’m not here. Wrap it up, buddy.

“No problem," Dana says promptly. She turns to the other costumers. "We can do like bra cup padding foam.”

Anton hovers over the maillot with Dana, pulling at the seams here and there. Genevieve starts rummaging through foam samples. Mindy is buried in her phone, presumably putting out fires about other elements of the project.

There. Done. A non-event.

Karine appears at the doorway. The film crew never appears. It's time to break for lunch. I walk slowly down the corridors and staircases back to the cafeteria, lost in a cloud of thoughts. 

I think about how I like how my body looks now. I think about how this body wasn't necessarily a body that was expected to show up in the room. I think about how I feel lucky the room was full of queer people, professionals who are excellent at their jobs. I think about how I felt intimidated anyway. I think about how it's not a big deal to ask for what you need so that you're comfortable performing. I think about how, at the same time, it can be a big deal. I think about how, more than anything, I feel relieved that that part's done. 

I find a quiet corner to scarf down a salad and coffee. Take a deep breath. Mentally turn a page. Now I can just focus on getting in the Tower, finding those key tricks, making some sequences, and making that act. 

I finish my break feeling focused. I go through my warm-up in the gym concentrating on what I'm going to accomplish inside the Tower today. I pluck out the ideas that I need to explore for tricks and sequences. And I'm calm up to the first 20 minutes inside the Tower during the afternoon creation session. I'm so, so calm. So focused. 

Right up until the moment I start hyperventilating in the Tower.

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Your next instalment of Tournelle du Soleil arrives Wednesday at 7am EST / 1pm CEST!

Until then, stay strange and wonderful - XO, ess