Whomever needs to read this (Patreon)

tw; depression, suicide

Whomever needs to read this, I hope this post can bring you some comfort. There are several comments that I saw today regarding MOONBIN that were along the lines of "I feel silly for wishing I could have done something" or "I'm sorry for making this about me".

And to all that I say: make it about you.

I feel like so many people in this world are either too selfish or not selfish enough. It's a tough balancing act but it just means being brave, brave enough to stand up for yourself when you need to, but also being brave enough to put your own needs aside if it means hurting others.

So let me make this about me for a moment:

When I first read the MOONBIN news it frankly didn't hit me. It wasn't until several hours later that the constant thoughts of "but MOONBIN? MOONBIN? Seriously, MOONBIN?"

And it wasn't until some time ago that the tears came pouring in as I had ASTRO's ALWAYS YOU on repeat.

For me, I have an additional layer of guilt I cannot shake off.

I have had a handful of idols pull me to the side and tell me how much my videos or my words meant to them. Even members who barely spoke English said they had their English speaking members translate for them so they can understand my words. (fyi I've never met ASTRO; this is a general thing)

I always brushed this off and thanked them, after all, who was I? I'm just some person. It's been 4-5 years I've been hearing these comments. I had an offer to move to Korea two years ago but turned it down out of my own fear of success. 

I can't help but shake this feeling: What if I had come sooner?

I'm not saying I could have prevented what happened to MOONBIN but the lyrics of ASTRO's ALWAYS YOU is haunting me:

In these times that were hard to endure
Even if I fall countless times
I’ll get up again and go to you
Though I’m late, I came to you

I might have told you all this already, but my the driving force of my life up until a month ago was to carry on the legacy of those who have taken their lives. That's a lot to take on. 

Last month, I found out one of my childhood heroes had taken his own life. Like he was so important to me that I've been checking up news on him every 3-4 months for the past 10+ years. I was in a very dangerous place after receiving that news. 

Now with MOONBIN...

I didn't realize until now that this? For me this is worse than Jonghyun. This worse than Sulli. This is worse than Hara. 

I spent YEARS reacting and loving this man. That is a very very deep bond even if it's over something as solitary as "reacting". I was worried that after my childhood hero died this MOONBIN news would make it worse...

And I won't say I'm OK but I'm not... Fragile. 

If this was me before, I would be in a far darker or more dangerous place. But one thought has kept me going: my promise to you all. I promised to live for you all and whenever times get hard I keep focusing on that promise.

Instead, I am properly mourning and grieving the loss of MOONBIN. 

I am honoring MOONBIN by making it about me.

Whether MOONBIN took his own life or it was due to health issues, remember that you should never feel guilty for making it about you. In a public space and setting it may not be appropriate, but then where is it an appropriate place for one to mourn their own feelings?

Someone taking their own life can be triggering for many, but for that person to have to feel like they have to "keep it in" so that they don't "make it about themselves" and just send well wishes to the deceased?

I'll say this: what always brought me back from the edge was seeing how pissed you guys got if content slipped due to my own mental health issues. It always made me "snap" out of it. But after coming clean about my autism and sharing my mental health woes and everyone sharing theirs? It really set my path clear.

So I did not want to announce this yet but I feel that I must: Something I'm working on in May/June is a mental health podcast. This project has been about a six to eight month planning and undertaking, but the final pieces have been coming together since I've been in Korea.

Anytime someone takes their life like this, all people do is just "throw up a hotline number" and that's it. Or even "so called friends" will just simply send a text or DM with a simple "I'm here if you need to talk" after an incredibly dark and concerning post. Therapists merely try to treat you and don't try to understand you deeply enough.

I've told the story multiple times of how I saved a girl from killing herself. I cannot shake what she might have done if I had not gone running to her instantly and instead just "texted" her or gave her "advice" over the phone.

This isn't a blanket critique of all hotlines, all friends, and all therapists. If you happen to have really supportive individuals in your life--that's great. But I've never had that, and it's clear from today that to this day, many people still don't.

I've consulted with a crisis line operator, therapists, and other mental health care professionals on this podcast because I want to do it right.

My aim is to start this podcast in the U.S. and create a Korean counterpart (spoken in Korean) in the future when I move to Seoul for the long term.

Some people just need to feel like they're not alone. Some people don't need a therapist, a stranger on the other line, a friend to tell them "it's gonna be ok"--they just need to talk about their f*ed up feelings without judgement. And the only way you can get that is to talk to other people with f*ed up feelings. Only then will we slowly start to realize how we're truly not alone and that maybe, just maybe, our feelings aren't f*ed up at all. They're just a part of life.

Sometimes we don't need a therapist, a stranger on the line, or a friend or family member. Sometimes we just need someone as broken as us in the limelight, bravely admitting they're not OK, yet still picking themselves back up and charging forward.

I'm so sick of seeing people say "you're not alone". It's especially disheartening in a "comment" on a thread on some forum somewhere. It's not anyone's specific fault but the Internet has made us all this way. We are all connected but not connected at the same time. 

Someone needs to bridge that gap.

I know a lot of people will mock me for this. I know I will be ridiculed, made fun of, and things I say or reveal on this podcast will be manipulated or used against me--I do not care. I am prepared for this, and am brave enough to face them all. I have been wanting to this for such a long time and I cannot deny it any longer.

I know we are all different people, but we are all at the end of the day still the same people. So if you are so inclined, leave a comment below in support of another Patron on here who may need it. If you would like to share a difficult time you're going through--feel free to share it. You won't know who you might inspire to share their own story or whom you might inspire to not make a dark decision. Or just simply pay it forward and offer whatever consolation you'd like to anyone who needs it.

And if you are indeed going through a hard time, please remember that I am here and I am working my damndest so that you all forget what the definition of what a hard time even is. 

With you all in my constant thoughts,

IM JAEHYUK PD