Thank you, always. (Patreon)

This one’s a personal blog post, so tune out if that’s not your vibe.

It’s 3AM, I went to bed at a reasonable hour but I awoke, unable to get back to sleep. This is primarily why I’m deciding to take a hiatus from releasing, because I know that my mind and body will hold dominion over me for a bit, and my sense of sleep and schedule will not be reliable.

I want to thank anyone and everyone for your supportive comments, anyone who may have supported both Blaire and I all these years. It’s tough losing someone whom you spent the better part of half a decade with, someone you were planning your life with.

But I’m not perfect. And I’ve made too many mistakes and must live with them. I regret not being open about my autism sooner, I regret not seeking help sooner, I regret not setting healthy boundaries for myself sooner. Then maybe we wouldn’t be here.

But I’m not here to dwell on my regrets, I’m here to be a form of therapy, so that I may learn from my mistakes and share/inspire others to not only better their lives but to do things the right way and be better than me.

I wanted to express my gratitude to you, my fans. As long as Blaire and I were together, I’ve been on YouTube doing this publicly putting myself out there for longer. In fact, I would have never met Blaire had I never done any of this. It was because of my position, what I was doing, that I ever even met Blaire as a friend, which eventually became something more.

So thank you all. Thank you for the happiest 5 years of my life and allowing me to meet someone who brought me true joy for the first time in my life. Until meeting her, I never felt love from anyone: family, friendships or other relationships. I knew nothing but a life of pain growing up, and FORM OF THERAPY was born out of my darkness, in hopes that I could provide some art and light into the world during my time on this Earth.

I’ve found a true appreciation for life, love, and joy in these past 5 years. I may be regretful that I lost it, but I will not insult or dishonor my time with Blaire and what she means to me, and to you all, by giving up or giving in.

I have been mentally working on myself, in a good healthy place anticipating Blaire’s return, and whilst this has tripped me up, I genuinely changed and have been committed to my renewal process and will only work towards better improving things.

I’ll be honest. I only filmed as much as I did, an insane and gigantic amount of content, previously, because I had love in my life. She gave me strength, she gave me perseverance and joy. I must warn that I will not be able to return to that same form because I’m alone again.

But it’ll still be good. I’m figuring it out. I’m sorry it’s such a long process. And this goes for both Blaire and every single one of you reading this: From the bottom of my heart, thank you for having supported me and thank you for introducing joy in my life.

I hope you all are as fortunate as I am to feel a love so deep, a joy so bright, and not lose it when you have it. Live brightly everyone.

-Jaehyuk PD