Xander and the Bottle (Patreon)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the recognizable characters or monsters... 

Tony Harris glanced away from the television as Xander rushed into the house and slammed the door on a black furred arm. “Get me another beer,” he said, seemingly unconcerned with the monster trying to break into his house.

“Get it yourself!” Xander snapped as he slammed the door on the werewolf’s arm a second time. “I’m busy!”

“Fine,” Tony muttered as he stood up. “If you’re going to be a little bitch you can get out, you’re interrupting the game.”

“Shit!” Xander cursed as the werewolf punched the door, ripping it off its hinges and sending him flying against the wall.

Tony glared at the nine foot tall werewolf with its twisted and diseased muzzle that stepped into his living room. “You have about twenty seconds before the game comes back on, put a couple of fifties on the table for the door and get the fuck out of my house before I call the police.”

The werewolf stared at Tony in disbelief, he’d ran into some humans with odd reactions to his crinos form but never anything quite this blaise. “Die!” he growled in a voice that was barely understandable but got the point across.

Tony Harris sighed as he set his mostly empty beer on the table. “Is it too much to ask to be able to enjoy the fucking game?” he asked as he reached down and picked up the shotgun he kept next to his recliner to deal with the more troublesome members of Sunnydale’s nightlife and pointed the barrels at the werewolf. “I’m going to explain this once, this is my boomstick. Now get the fuck out before I shoot you and have to call Rory to skin your ass.”

The werewolf laughed, a harsh and inhuman sound, and stalked forward.

Xander stared in disbelief as his father shot the werewolf several times before the beast ripped his father apart in a shower of blood and gore, barely phased by the blessed buckshot. 

“Here’s your beer…” Jessica Harris trailed off as she walked out of the kitchen holding a bottle of beer and saw the mess in her living room. “You’re going to have to clean that up,” she told the werewolf with an annoyed frown.

“Run!” Xander shouted, before rushing forward, trying to save his mother. He stumbled to a halt and stared in disbelief as the werewolf jumped at his mother only to stop in mid air when his mother raised her hand.

“Hi honey, there’s take out in the fridge, are you going to stay for the game?” Jessica asked as she held the werewolf in the air telekinetically, rather happy that the binding on her magic was gone and she felt like herself again.

“Mom?” Xander asked cautiously, not sure what the hell was going on. He blinked as his father’s corpse turned into blue and white motes of light that re-assembled themselves into a younger, fitter version of his father. “What the hell?!”

Tony scowled as he glared at the werewolf. “On the one hand, I should thank you for breaking the curse, on the other, you’ve pissed me off enough that I’d enjoy skinning you alive, furball.”

“Tony!” Jessica complained.

“Don’t start,” Tony complained as he conjured a black crossbow in his hand and shot the floating werewolf in the eye, killing it instantly. “The carpet is a total writeoff and I’m free for the first time in twenty years, which means I’m going to burn the place to the ground as soon as we finish packing the few things we want to keep.”

Jessica shook her head, slightly annoyed that he killed it before she could. “Or we could just replace the carpet.”

“What the hell is going on?” Xander asked as he glanced back and forth between the ‘people’ that looked like his parents and the werewolf that had tried to kill him. “When did you replace my parents? Are they still alive?”

“No, I killed them,” Tony replied sarcastically as he sent his crossbow back to the pocket dimension where he’d stashed it.

“Tony!” Jessica snapped as she dropped the dead werewolf on the already ruined carpet.

“Fine, you get to explain,” Tony replied as he reached over and turned the television off as it swapped back to the game. “Hate football,” he grumbled as he looked at the door. “I’ll get a screwdriver and some longer screws, that should hold it until I can get the repair guy out here.”

Xander turned to look at the woman that might be his mother as his ‘father’ walked out of the room. “What’s going on?”

“Why do you have a Black Spiral Dancer after you?” Jessica asked as she gestured toward the werewolf.

“You mean the mutant werewolf? No idea, it’s not even the full moon,” Xander complained.

“Only the cursed variety change during the full moon, the rest can change anytime they want,” Jessica explained as she tossed the bottle of beer onto Tony’s chair then walked over to the fireplace and tapped one of the stones, causing it to vanish and reveal a hidden compartment with a dagger.

“How do you know that?” Xander asked suspiciously.

“We come from a family of werewolves and warlocks,” Jessica explained as she pulled the silver ritual dagger out of its hiding place and walked over to the dead werewolf.

“We’re werewolves?” Xander asked in disbelief as his mother started skinning the werewolf. “And again, what the hell?”

“No, but you have a couple of cousins that are,” Jessica replied absently as she carefully worked on skinning the metis so that she could use the pelt in a ritual.

“Since when can you skin anything?” Xander asked warily.

“I wasn’t always a city girl,” Jessica replied with a smile. “In fact, before the curse, I used to enjoy hiking through the woods, cooking, and playing guitar.”

“Seriously?” Xander asked in disbelief, trying to square that with the Jessica Harris he grew up with.

“The curse caused everything I cooked to burn or taste strange and kept me from leaving the city, it was easier to just order takeout.”

“Who cursed you?” Xander asked, curious why his ‘parents’ had gotten cursed and almost certain they were his parents now, as usually they’d have tried to eat his face at this point if they were the usual demonic trash he ran into.

“No idea,” Jessica replied as she looked at the door. “Broken wood and twisted metal, return to your proper shape. Broken wood and twisted metal, return to your proper frame.”

Xander watched as the broken door floated over to the door and the hinges repaired themselves. “That’s useful. Since when did you know any magic?”

“It’s just a simple repair spell,” Jessica replied as she went back to skinning the werewolf. “The curse blotted out parts of our personalities and made it impossible to actually use our talents.”

“Why would someone curse you?” Xander asked.

“I was hunting warlocks and your father was saving innocents, as you can imagine, someone took offense.”

Xander stared at his mother or at least the creature pretending to be his mother, as his parents being heroes was a bit more of a stretch than he was willing to accept just yet. “Tony was saving innocents?”

“I’m a guardian angel,” Tony said as he came back out of the garage having heard his wife’s repair spell. “Saving innocents is what I do.”

Xander laughed then stopped after a couple of seconds when he realized his father wasn’t joking. “Wait, seriously?”

Tony snorted. “Yeah, your mother and I met while I was trying to save some innocents from vampires and a particularly nasty warlock.”

Jessica glanced over at her husband with a smirk. “He was a useful distraction.”

Xander glanced back at the door then looked at his mother. “So, you’re a demon hunter?”

“On occasion. I mostly hunted down rogue warlocks that were making waves, but I don’t have a problem killing demons when they’re being problematic.”

“Or stupid,” Tony added as he glanced around the room then focused on Xander. “How much do you want to rip the carpet out?”

Xander shook his head. “I need to get back, a rather dangerous Hell Goddess kidnapped a friend of mine.”

Tony winced. “Do you need backup?”

“Yeah, I could use some backup, I don’t suppose you know how to scry for people or teleport…” Xander trailed off as he noticed his parents’ matching smirks. “Seriously?”

“I can orb, which is basically a form of teleportation and your mother can scry. Technically I can scry as well, but I suck at scrying.”

“Do you have anything that belonged to your friend?” Jessica asked as she continued skinning the werewolf.

“No, but I can get something. I just need to go back to Buffy’s to get it.”

“In that case, let’s go.” Tony reached over and grabbed Xander’s arm and orbed to Buffy’s house with Xander.

Xander shivered as he looked around, having felt briefly like he was the bubbles in a carbonated drink. “Where did you learn that?”

“Heaven or at least one of them. I wasn’t lying when I said I was a guardian angel. You’d think they’d send someone to uncurse me, but then again, we’re on a hellmouth and I am one of the lower choirs.”

“And Mom is a witch?” Xander asked. “Does that mean I have magic?”

“No, she’s not a witch,” Tony admitted with a sigh. “That would make things easier.”

Xander studied his father’s face. “What do you mean?” 

Tony paused for a few seconds as he tried to figure out how to explain before deciding to leave it to Jessica to explain. “Your mother’s a warlock, her magic is always going to be on the darker side.”

“Meaning?” Xander asked, thinking about Amy’s mother.

“Meaning that you’ll probably end up attracting demons and trouble,” Tony replied as he turned to look at the door, sensing a witch in trouble.

“Now you tell me,” Xander muttered, thinking of his life since he turned fifteen. He rang the bell.

“Speaking of trouble, now that I’m close, I can sense a witch in trouble,” Tony said as he gestured toward the door. “Are you expecting trouble?”

“No, that’s probably Tara, she got attacked by Glory.”

“In that case, I can probably help,” Tony offered.

“How?” Xander asked hopefully.

“Whitelighters have the ability to heal people,” Tony said as a pajama clad Tara opened the door. “Sparklies!”

“Sorry about that,” Willow said as she rushed over to grab Tara. “Mr. Harris?” she asked in surprise as she glanced between Xander and his father and then took a second look as she saw how much younger he looked.

“More or less,” he replied as he studied Xander’s friend, not terribly surprised that she’d unlocked her magic. “I’m here to help.”

“The lights are pretty.” Tara broke into giggles.

“How?” Willow asked suspiciously.

“Dad was under a curse, apparently he’s a guardian angel. He teleported us here.”

Willow shook her head. “Teleporting takes a lot of power.”

“Only if you’re trying to do it without an active power,” Tony replied as he studied Tara. “Mind if I try healing your friend?”

“Go for it,” Xander said as he stepped through the doorway. “I’m going to grab one of Dawn’s shirts for the scrying ritual.”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried that?!” Willow snapped then sighed. “Sorry, I’m just on edge.”

“I can’t say I blame you,” Tony said as he reached out and grabbed Tara’s hand. Their joined hands began to glow with an unearthly light as he used his healing ability, pushing through the resistance and called the rest of Tara’s essence back to her body.

Orbs of sparkling light floated through the walls of the house and sank into Tara’s form. “I’m… back,” Tara said as she stared at Tony. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome,” Tony replied with a smile as he released her hand, happy that he could finally help people again. Being an angel unable to help people had probably contributed more to his grumpy personality than the curse did.

“You’re back!” Willow squealed as she pulled Tara into a hug.

“I never left,” Tara replied as she buried her face in her lover’s hair. “It was like being trapped in a fog, but you were there holding me, so I knew it’d be alright.”

Xander nearly screamed in surprise as an inch thick gold bracer appeared on his wrist when he grabbed one of Dawn’s shirts. “What the hell?!”

Willow turned to look as Xander ran back down the stairs. “What’s wrong?”

Xander held out his hand, showing off the gold bracer. “This just appeared on my wrist when I grabbed Dawn’s shirt.”

“Weird…” Willow trailed off as another bracer appeared on Xander’s left wrist. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” Xander complained.

“That might be part of the curse breaking,” Tony explained.

“Great,” Xander said as he tossed the shirt to Tony. “Find Dawn…” he trailed off as a blue crystal genie bottle appeared near his feet. “Shit!” he cursed as he turned into mist and flowed into the bottle.

“What the…” Willow trailed off as the bottle vanished. “What did you do with Xander?”

Tony held his hands out. “Nothing. My family was under a curse, it finally broke, which most likely unlocked Xander’s magic as well.”

“Do you have a lot of genies in the family?” Willow asked sarcastically.

“Not that I know of, but Jessica might,” Tony replied. “She never talked about her family all that much and really, not many people like visiting the Hellmouth anyway.”

“I can’t say I blame them,” Willow admitted. “Do you know where he vanished to?”

“No idea,” Tony admitted. “We’ll have to have Jessica scry for him as well.”

“Dawn,” Tara suggested.

“What do you mean?” Willow asked as she reluctantly let her girlfriend go and took a step back so that she could look at Tara’s face.

“He was fine until he got to Dawn’s room then he ended up with a gold bracer,” Tara offered. “It started with him trying to help her.”

“You think he teleported to her?” Willow asked in surprise, trying to wrap her mind around Xander being able to casually teleport or the fact that one of her best friends might be a creature out of myth and legend… well, another one anyway.

Tara nodded. “He loves her and she’s in trouble, of course he’d want to rescue her.”

“It’s not out of the question,” Tony mused as he tried to figure out how his son had been turned into a genie and why.

0o0o0

Dawn blinked as a blue crystal bottle appeared out of thin air and dropped into her lap. ‘I guess that’s one way to get a message to me. Go, Willow.’ She excitedly pulled the stopper out of the bottle then blinked in surprise as purple mist shot out of the bottle and took Xander’s form, who was dressed like a genie, hammer pants and all. “Xander?”

“In the flesh,” Xander replied as he helped Dawn to her feet. He glanced down at his bare chest and genie style black silk pants. “A bit too much flesh…”

“Nah, you’re good,” Dawn said as she pulled Xander into a hug. “You’re remarkably solid for a daydream,” she noted, thankful she had such a vivid imagination.

“That’s because you’re not dreaming,” Xander replied, poking her in the side and getting a giggle.

“In that case, how do we get out of here?” Dawn asked, hoping that Xander had a plan.

“No idea, I was grabbing one of your shirts so we could do a locator spell and I ended up with a bracer. I’d barely made it downstairs when I got the other bracer and found myself being sucked into my bottle.”

“Does that mean you’re a genie?” Dawn teased.

“Maybe?” Xander replied, not sure what was going on.

“In that case, I wish I had the ability to teleport us out of here.”

“Wish granted,” Xander said as his magic activated and a glowing ball of blue light appeared in the hand that wasn’t holding Dawn. “Huh, that was weird.”

“How did you do that?” Dawn asked in surprise as she took half a step back so that she could see his face, keeping her arm wrapped around him, afraid that he’d vanish if she let go.

“No idea, you wished and the magic just happened.” He handed her the ball of light. “Just focus on absorbing the light… and I’m not sure how I know that.”

“I don’t care, I trust you,” Dawn said as she touched the ball of glowing light to her chest and absorbed it, feeling a tingling sensation as the magic spread throughout her body.

“Anything?” Xander asked hopefully.

Dawn sighed as the magic settled and nothing happened. “Nada.”

“Try clicking your heels three times and wishing yourself home,” Xander suggested, half joking.

“Good idea,” Dawn replied as she grabbed Xander and clicked her heels together. “There is no place like home, there is no place like home…” she trailed off as the world shimmered and she appeared in her living room with Xander. “Hey, it worked!”

“Dawn!” Buffy squealed as she rushed over to give Dawn and Xander a hug, Willow and Tara quickly joining them.

Tony glanced at Xander’s outfit and shook his head. “Good job figuring out how to orb. I don’t suppose someone can fill me in on the Hell Goddess that you’re dealing with?”

Buffy turned to look at Tony. “Why is your father here?” she asked Xander not having noticed him when she’d entered the room just in time to see Dawn and Xander’s sparkly entrance.

“There was a curse on my family, apparently my father is a guardian angel when he’s not cursed to act like an alcoholic asshole,” Xander said. “Glory’s a Hell Goddess that was banished from her dimension and stuck inside a mortal shell. She wants to sacrifice Dawn so that she can rip the dimensional barriers apart and return home.”

“If we can keep Dawn safe for another couple of days, she’ll miss her window,” Willow explained.

“I need to breathe,” Dawn complained.

“Overrated,” Buffy teased, not letting her go.

Dawn orbed out of the pile of people with Xander. “Hey, that’s useful.”

Buffy stared at her sister and Xander. “Dawn? Did you just teleport?”

“Yep,” Dawn replied smugly. “I’m awesome.”

Tony glanced between Xander and Dawn. “How did you give her orbing?”

“She made a wish,” Xander replied absently as he thought about the ball of light that he’d created, fairly sure he could duplicate the trick if he wanted.

“You made a wish?!” Buffy demanded. “Are you insane?!”

“I was trapped and it’s Xander,” Dawn argued. “I just wished for the ability to teleport and now I can.”

“Fix it!” Buffy ordered. “Everything has a price and a power like that probably has a doozy, we learned that with Anya!”

“No,” Dawn replied firmly then orbed across the room as Buffy lunged for Xander’s bottle. “Not happening. You’re not stealing my wishes or my genie, he’s mine.”

Xander raised an eyebrow at Dawn’s possessiveness but wasn’t really surprised, while Anthony just snickered.

“See, the power is already corrupting you, he probably caught it from sleeping with Anya,” Buffy warned her. “Just put down the bottle and we’ll fix it, I swear.”

Willow shook her head. “That’s not going to work, Buffy.”

“Why not?” Buffy asked warily. “If she can fight the influence, we can fix this.”

Xander held up his hands when Buffy turned and glared at him. “Outside of granting Dawn’s wish, I didn’t use magic on her and the only one paying any cost was me.”

“His aura is brighter, but he’s still Xander,” Tara offered.

“So…” Buffy trailed off, a bit embarrassed as she realized that her sister was just being difficult and that Xander hadn’t managed to get turned into a vengeance demon. “You’re not a vengeance demon, are you?”

Xander shook his head. “Not as far as I know and I don’t believe it’s sexually transmitted or there would be a lot more justice demons.” Anya insisted they were called justice demons and had rewarded him for calling them that, so he wasn’t about to call them anything else. 

“Vengeance demons need talismans, genies have bottles,” Tony offered.

“What’s the difference?” Buffy asked as she turned to look at Xander’s father.

Tony glanced at the bottle Dawn was holding. “Genies only monkey paw a wish if you annoy them or if they’re feeling mischievous, it’s not mandatory.”

“Does that mean you can wish Glory dead?” Buffy asked hopefully.

“I wouldn’t risk it, wishes like that do have a high price,” Tony warned before they tried to make a wish with that large a cost. “Besides, you only have three wishes, you shouldn’t waste them.”

“Crap,” Dawn muttered.

Xander shrugged. “It could be worse, you could have wished for a cheeseburger or something stupid. The one wish you did make was for an ability that you can use over and over instead of a one time deal. Overall it was a pretty good wish.”

“Thanks,” Dawn said, instantly feeling better about it.

“We can pass the bottle around, right?” Willow asked.

“Or we could just wish him free,” Tara suggested, thinking that abusing wishes on the Hellmouth was just asking for trouble.

Xander smiled at Tara, glad that someone had suggested freeing him. “That’s certainly an option. You should probably make your second wish before Buffy manages to steal the bottle.”

“I don’t suppose you can make me indestructible?” Dawn asked hopefully, orbing next to him and away from Buffy once more.

Xander frowned as he realized granting that particular request would cause more trouble than it was worth or take an enormous amount of effort. “Sorry, I’d have to monkey paw that or we’d have to go on a quest.”

“Giving her teleportation is fine, but increased durability isn’t?” Willow asked, curious about the limits of Xander’s power.

“She didn’t ask about increased durability, she asked about becoming indestructible, there’s a difference and it ain’t small.”

“If I asked for the ability to fly, would that work?” Dawn asked.

Xander focused on Dawn’s request and saw a short clip of himself stabbing a grey skinned demon with an athame like his mother’s in a poorly lit cave. “I’d have to steal the ability from a demon but sure, we can give you the ability to fly if you want it.”

“Tempting,” Dawn said thoughtfully.

“I don’t suppose you can hide us from Glory?” Buffy asked.

“The only way she found us before was thanks to the monk tracking us down. Hiding isn’t worth a wish when all you have to do is leave town and check into a motel somewhere,” Willow pointed out.

Dawn shook her head. “Can I wish for Mom back?” 

Xander focused on Joyce and saw her sitting on a mountain with an easel, painting a beautiful sunset while talking with a couple of women that were painting the same scene. “You could, but you probably shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” Dawn asked, recalling Spike helping her attempt it, before her common sense had kicked in and she’d realized what a bad idea it was. “It’s Mom,” she said with a sigh, as she realized she already knew why not.

“I know, but I’ve had my powers for less than thirty minutes and I’d rather not make a mistake,” Xander warned. “Besides, she’s currently painting with a couple of interesting people and looks to be having fun. Apparently I can see the afterlife.”

“There are spells to talk to the dead, you could ask her if she’s happy,” Tony suggested. “Probably best just to ask Jessica to cast those rather than waste a wish.”

“Fine,” Dawn grumbled, knowing that stealing her mother out of heaven wasn’t right even if she wanted her mother back. “Can I wish for you to stay with me?”

“Your wish is my command,” Xander replied, “but that’s kind of a given, just so you know.”

Dawn smiled and hugged him. “Don’t care, it’s my wish.” 

“And your third wish?” he asked.

“Should I hand your bottle to Tara or should I wish you free?” Dawn asked.

Xander frowned as he realized that he couldn’t tell her to wish him free, likely part of the genie deal. “Up to you, I trust you.”

Tara smiled at Dawn. “You should be the one to free him.”

“I could wish for new shoes, right?” Buffy joked as she glanced at the bottle, teasing her sister.

Xander stuck his tongue out at Buffy. “I’d probably curse them or grab the wrong type of shoes.”

Buffy sighed dramatically. “Worst. Genie. Ever.”

Dawn glanced over at Willow. “What do you think?”

Willow took a breath then let it out. “I think the less time Xander spends in bondage the better.” She glanced between Xander and Tara and forced herself to ignore their snickering. “As much as I wouldn’t mind having a couple of extra powers, go for it.” She smacked Xander in the shoulder and poked Tara lightly in the side for being childish, while trying not to giggle herself.

“I wish you free,” Dawn said before she could change her mind.

Xander grinned as his bracers opened and fell off then winced as they appeared on Dawn’s wrists. “Oops?”

“Xander!” Buffy complained.

“Here,” Dawn said, handing the bottle to Xander. “What is your wish, Master,” she purred with a grin. “I have some suggestions!”

“Xander!” Buffy growled.