Xander and the Remote (Patreon)

Xander was assigned a character to dress as by snyder on Halloween. During Halloween night he is hurt and has a debilitating injury and is given over to the custody of a relative either O'Neill or Hammond. He has the device from his character and can use it to g+et healed or augmented but also to gain tech for SGC etc

Powers and Abilities
Control Freak is a technological genius specializing in reality-warping/-controlling technology and media electronics (specifically television). His main weapon and instrument of crime is his trademark remote control, which has to date exhibited - but theoretically is not limited to - following powers:

Animation and limited transformation of non-living objects
Warping himself into and out of the 'TV Dimension', a secondary reality based on running television programs
Summoning various characters from the 'TV Dimension' that act as his henchmen
Using a synchronization function to make foreign persons speak in English.

Xander Harris scowled as he glanced around the airport, trying to figure out where he was supposed to go. The painkillers he’d been on made the last couple of days a confusing mess though he remembered waking up in the hospital screaming in pain from two broken legs and his father screaming at the doctors that he wouldn’t be paying for the casts on a clumsy ass child. He wasn’t sure who he blamed for the situation more, Snyder for assigning the Halloween escorts ‘suitable’ costumes, the damned mage who cast the spell that turned him into a lazy uncoordinated nerd, Spike’s minions for breaking his legs or his costumed self for being stupid enough to try to make a deal with the vampires to try to distract them. 

He grinned slightly as he noticed the hot blonde woman in her late twenties to early thirties that was holding a sign that said ‘Alexander Harris’ on it in large letters. ‘Damn, Jack you didn’t say your friend was sex on wheels.’ He maneuvered his wheelchair through the crowd as the woman walked over. 

“Xander?” Sam asked as she walked toward the dark haired teenager in the wheelchair that vaguely matched Jack’s description.

“The one and only. No Jack?” Xander asked, trying to make sure he wasn’t looking at her chest which was a bit hard since he was looking up at her.

“Sorry, he was delayed dealing with some work related issues.” Sam glanced at the backpack in his lap and the bookbag hung on the back of his chair. “Do you need to grab your luggage or do you have everything?”

Xander shook his head. “Willow packed, I’ve got everything I need, assuming Jack has a washing machine.”

“Probably a safe assumption. Do you want me to push your chair?” Sam asked, not wanting to imply he couldn’t take care of things himself but wanting to be polite.

“I wouldn’t object to some help,” Xander admitted, still not used to the chair.

Sam walked over, stuck the sign in the back pocket of the chair then grabbed the handles and headed for the entrance. “Seems like a strange time for a vacation.”

Xander scowled as he thought about his father shouting at him over tripping and falling and her mother finally speaking up in his defense. “My mother figured I could use a change of scenery while I healed up, something about the city not being safe because of gang violence.”

“Don’t worry, Colorado Springs is a decently safe place,” Sam assured him as they made their way through the airport.

“Good, I could use a break from worrying about idiots,” Xander admitted, thinking about the sheer number of demons that saw disabled people as meals on wheels.

“Any questions?” Sam asked curious about Jack’s nephew that he rarely talked about.

“Not really, I know Jack is military which means, he might get called away. We’ve already hashed things out in case he gets tied up with work for a couple days.”

“No hard feelings?” Sam asked a touch surprised.

“I have nothing against my uncle, I remember him visiting a couple times over the years, scared the hell out of my father once or twice.” He shrugged. “I just needed a place to rest up and a friend sprung for the tickets.”

“Nice friend,” Sam replied as they exited the airport.

“It’s nice to have friends,” Xander agreed. He was fairly sure the trip was Giles’s way of trying to make up for his old friend causing the entire situation. “Hopefully I won’t get in the way.”

“Nah, you should be fine. We just finished a project yesterday which means we’ll have a couple days off unless something goes wrong.”

“Sounds good,” Xander replied, looking forward to having a chance to decompress and get away from Willow’s hovering for a couple of days. It wasn’t her fault that he’d gotten both his legs broken and her obvious guilt over the incident just made him feel bad.

“So, what’s Willow like?” Sam asked as they headed toward the parking area where she’d parked the van.

“She’s a genius and a bit of a bookworm, we’ve been friends since kindergarten.” He was just about to ask her how long she’d known Jack when her cell phone rang.

“Sorry, I need to grab that,” Sam said as she stopped in place and fished her phone out of her pocket. She glanced at the caller ID then answered it. “Sir.”

“Carter, have you managed to find Xander yet?” Jack asked, hoping there weren’t any problems.

“Yeah, we’re just about back to the car, how long are you going to be?” Sam asked, curious if they should swing by the store for some pizza.

Jack sighed. “There was a situation with SG5. We’ll probably need to mount a rescue mission which means I’m about fifteen minutes away from my house to collect you.”

“What about Xander, Sir?” Sam asked, not feeling terribly comfortable leaving a cripple alone in Jack’s house which certainly wasn’t handicap friendly.

“Only thing we can do, get him settled and have some someone check on him if we have to rescue SG5,” Jack complained, not liking the situation.

“Of course, we’ll discuss things when you get home.”

“Thanks.” Jack ended the call, not particularly happy with the situation especially since he should have had time off.

“Problem?” Xander asked, having a ‘sixth’ sense for when things were about to go sideways.

Sam put her phone back in her pocket then grabbed the handles and started pushing as she explained, “Jack and I have to head into the base to work to deal with a problem  Don’t worry Jack has a bunch of ice cream in the freezer, a big screen TV and a satellite.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Xander agreed, reserving judgement on how he was supposed to reach the ice cream until he saw the freezer. He raised an eyebrow as he saw the handicap accessible van with military plates. “You stole this from the base didn’t you?”

“Thievery has less paperwork involved,” Sam replied as she opened the side door so she could access the wheelchair lift.

“Makes sense to me,” Xander agreed, thinking of all of the places Willow had hacked for Buffy.

0o0o0 

Xander sort of glad when Jack and Carter left, not because he didn’t like them or anything but he really wanted to pop a couple pain pills, turn his brain off, and vegetate in front of the television. Of course, this was made more difficult when he managed to knock the remote off the chair’s armrest. He looked down at the remote sitting innocently on the floor taunting him. He glanced at the large screen as the last comercial ended and several familiar actors appeared on the screen. “Friends, great. I wonder which lunatic sold their soul to keep this shit on the air?” he muttered sarcastically as he reached for his bag to grab his universal remote.

He grinned as he pulled the remote out of his bag, pointed it at the television and gleefully pushed the buttons at random, trying to get Friends off the screen, not noticing that he’d grabbed the remote he’d made during Halloween rather than the bog standard universal remote he’d packed. He was more than a little surprised when the restaurant style napkin dispenser flew out of the screen and nearly hit him in the head. He blinked then looked at the remote in his hand then turned and looked at the napkin dispenser he’d accidentally summoned. “Holy shit, it still works!”

Xander barely managed not to laugh insanely as he adjusted how he was holding the remote and started quickly flipping through the channels looking for something that might help get him back on his feet. He grinned slightly as he saw the opening credits for something called, “I Lust For Genie.” He frowned as he watched the opening bit about a stunningly attractive red haired goddess in diaphanous silk that barely covered enough to be considered clothing talking to an old man.

“We could fix this master,” Genie offered.

The old man shook his head. “No one lives forever.”

“Bullshit,” the genie complained. “I’ve been alive for centuries, I’ll live forever.”

“Humans aren’t supposed to live forever,” he said as he patted her leg.

“I have to agree with the genie here,” Xander muttered as he ran his gaze over the genie’s curves and rather impressive breasts.

Genie pouted. “One wish and you’re back to being twenty again.”

“You nearly killed me the first time around and I promised Marge that I wouldn’t,” he said wistfully.

Genie muttered something unintelligible about ‘true’ love. “Fine, who is going to get my bottle when you die? Please say Laurena or Florence.”

He shook his head. “I’ll leave you to Alvin. Marge made me promise not to give you to my granddaughters, something about you corrupting them.”

Genie looked down her nose at her master, trying to figure out if bending the rules to bring Marge back as a zombie was worth the hassle. “Do you hate me that much? Was I a bad genie?”

“No, but I made a promise. I’ll hide your bottle and leave notes. The first person that reaches your bottle will be your new master.”

“That certainly has possibilities,” Xander mused.

Genie pouted. “You know the rules, I’m bound to one master, if he’s 9 it’s going to be years before I get properly fucked. That’s assuming he actually finds my bottle!”

“If he can’t find your bottle with the clues I’ve left behind, he doesn’t deserve it.”

“That does nothing for my sex life master,” Genie whined.

“You’re a genie, you’ll survive. Get in the bottle, I don’t have much time left and my family will be here shortly, I want it hidden by the time they get there.”

“That’s cold,” Xander muttered as the genie turned into red mist and flowed into the ornate bottle. He watched the old man cork the bottle then hide the genie in a hidden nook before he tripped and fell down the stairs, breaking his neck before he could write the clues. He quickly pushed the button on the remote then reached into to the screen and stole the bottle when it panned back to the bottle’s hiding place. “Yoink!”

He frowned slightly as he watched the short scene of the family arguing about the genie then everything went black. “Huh, I think I broke the movie.” He rubbed the bottle then frowned as it wobbled. “Oh right, the stopper.” He pulled the stopper out and smiled as red mist billowed out of the bottle and turned into a stunning girl. “Hello, gorgeous.”

The genie smiled at Xander as her eyes roved over his wheelchair bound form and looked pleased. “Hello, Master!”

“Rules?” Xander asked excitedly.

“No bringing back the dead, no wishing for world peace, it never ends well, it just makes for lots of dead people. I’d also avoid wishing for phenomenal cosmic power as it comes with an itty bitty living space and no genie to keep you entertained,” she joked.

“How are you at limb repair?” Xander asked hopefully.

“I’ve had lots of practice,” Genie assured him with a smile.

“Lots of practice?”

“They used to cut off hands if you stole stuff, one of my previous masters liked stealing stuff and he thought he was a much better thief than he actually was,” she said shaking her head.

“So you can’t make wealth?” Xander asked a touch disappointed.

Genie shook her head. “I can, he just wasn’t real bright.”

“How many wishes do I get?”

“No limit, but I’m going to expect you to do your part if I’m granting wishes,” she said wagging a finger at him.

“My part?” Xander asked suspiciously.

“Yep, I can only have one master at a time and I have needs,” Genie replied as she wiggled her hips at him.

“Oh, I don’t think that’s a problem,” he assured her with a wide grin. “I’m not selling my soul, am I?” he asked just to be sure.

Genie snorted. “I’m a Djinn, not a demon, we don’t do that.” 

“In that case, I’m going to hold up my end of the bargain as soon as I don’t have two broken legs.”

Genie snapped her fingers, healing both of Xander’s legs and making the casts fall apart. “In that case, that is so not a problem.”

Xander sighed in relief as the pain completely vanished. He carefully stood up then smirked as he realized that his legs were just fine. “In that case, let’s head to the guest room and get to know one another.” He couldn’t believe he was finally going to lose his virginity and to a hot supernatural woman! Then again with the way his life was going that really shouldn’t have come as that much of a shock.

“Sounds like fun, master.” Genie smirked as she followed her new master into the bedroom. 

0o0o0

Xander yawned as he woke up then blinked as he realized he hadn’t been dreaming and there was a gorgeous naked redhead in his bed. “Hi?”

Genie smiled at Xander. “Master.”

“You can call me Xander,” he offered.

“Okay, Master,” Genie replied playfully.

“This is going to be a thing isn’t it?” Xander asked with a slight pout.

“Nah, I’m just teasing you, Xander. Do you have any more wishes?”

“Do I need to pay with sexy times? Because I’m a bit worn out,” Xander admitted.

Genie snapped her fingers, completely refreshing Xander’s stamina and removing all possible trace of honeymooner’s syndrome from him. 

“Oh my…” 

0o0o0

Xander stretched explosively, smiling when he felt all the vertebrae in his back let go at once and looked over at Genie who was watching him with a lust filled gaze. “I think it’s time for food not sex…” 

Genie pouted at him playfully then snapped her fingers, causing a silver tray adorned with a variety of fresh fruit, bacon, eggs and toast to appear between them with carafes of both tea and coffee and a pair of cups a top it. 

“We’re going to have to get out of this bed eventually,” he teased. 

Genie snapped her fingers and conjured a flat screen television on the wall. “We are?”

“My uncle would definitely prefer us not to use the bathroom on his furniture, and would be quite surprised that I’m no longer confined to a wheelchair,” Xander pointed out with a shrug as he poured coffee and helped himself, trying to avoid staring at her huge tracts of uncovered land until after he’d managed to regain some energy. 

“Bah, it was obviously an idiot doctor that can’t do an x-ray to save his life, one cracked bone and a single cast should do it,” Genie replied.

“We’ll figure something out,” Xander demurred with a shrug, he wasn’t quite sure just how high Jack’s tolerance for weird was, but he wasn’t getting confined to the chair for any more time than he had to be. “Can you set some sort of alarm so we can tell when someone arrives and have time to get me back into the wheelchair and looking like I did before?”

“Sure, easy as making chicken noodle soup,” Genie agreed as she snapped her fingers and set up an alarm so they’d have plenty of time to get Xander back in his chair. “Any other wishes?”

Xander pulled his attention off Genie’s breasts. “Not at present.”

Genie snickered as she stole one of his grapes. “Okay, tell me if you need something.”

“Actually, how does possession of the bottle work?”

“You’re mine until you die,” she said cheerfully wiggling her shoulders and drawing his eyes.

“I’m yours?” Xander asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Figure of speech, I’m yours until you die even if someone else steals the bottle, it’s an ‘until death do us part’ deal.”

Xander relaxed as he realized that half the plots of bad genie movies had just went out the window. “Can you grant super powers?”

“I’m afraid not,” Genie shook her head, she wasn’t even sure if she was allowed to access those dimensions much less spread their abilities around. “One of the rules we follow is to avoid any and all mass reveals of magic, it makes those upstairs upset, and that generally means no persistent magical effects.” 

“Ah, we’ll just have to go with my other ideas.”

“Other ideas?” Genie asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Xander grabbed a grape and playfully tossed it into her mouth. “I went as a comic book character for Halloween. He had the power to reach into television shows and pull things out or jump into them and interact. He was sort of an idiot about it. How do you think I got your bottle?”

“Oh?” Genie asked surprised before snapping her fingers and tilting her head like she was observing something. “Wow, I didn’t know this was possible.”

“It took him quite a while before he realized he could use it to enhance himself and the chaos spell that granted me his abilities isn’t exactly the most stable thing in the multiverse. I’d like to know if the changes are stable or are going to degrade, because they are really useful.”

Genie looked at Xander’s aura and snapped her fingers. “Everything’s stable and the technical skills won’t fade though a lot of the personal memories will, since he looks to be kinda annoying.”

Xander smirked wickedly. “Good, he was an idiot savant… and I have a plan, depending on Jack’s movie collection and the whims of what’s on the satellite today anyway.” 

“Do you want me to upgrade his satellite dish?” Genie asked. 

“That would be great,” Xander agreed, figuring she could fix it before it became an issue.

She snapped her fingers. “Okay, it should receive all available transmissions now.”

“In other words, we don’t have to go to Blockbuster?”

“You’re probably good, outside of specialty porn which Blockbuster doesn’t have anyways,” Genie assured him, having checked with magic.

“How do you know so much about modern tech if you were sealed in a bottle in the 1800’s?” Xander asked curious about her knowledge base.

“We get an update with every new master and time travel isn’t impossible for genies and no I won’t grab the Lotto numbers and bring them back, it’s not against union rules it’s just one of the laziest and most problematic ways of getting rich short of kicking the Godfather in the balls and stealing his wallet.”

“Genies have a union?” Xander asked in surprise.

“Close enough, it helps keep everything running.”

“Does that change with you not being in your home world?”

“Dimensional boundaries are more like suggestions for Djinn. I’d rather not test that right now. I have a pretty sweet deal and I’d rather not have you vaporized and my bottle tossed into a sun or a black hole,” she paused for a second, “or something worse, like Jersey. Besides, if we need money I can just conjure it.”

“Fair enough,” Xander replied as he picked up another grape and tossed it into her mouth then worked on eating his bacon before it got cold.

0o0o0

Genie raised an eyebrow as she watched the glowing red meteorite hit the ground on the screen. “This can’t end well.”

“Is that pessimism or divination?” Xander asked as he watched the evil monster leave the meteorite.

“Realism and the fact that you’re not fireproof,” Genie pointed out.

“Do you want to snap your fingers and grab the meteorite for me?”

“Nope but I’ll cool it down so you can grab it.”

“Let me guess, union rules?” Xander asked amused as he pushed the button on his remote and turned the screen into a portal.

“Nope, I just don’t like lazy masters.” Genie snickered as she jumped into the cartoon. 

Xander followed her into the cartoon before the scene changed. He turned to look as he saw a primitive hunter and some alien fighting off to the side. ‘Fun.’

Genie gestured at the large chunks of meteorite in the middle of the crater and cooled them down enough that he could pick one of them up and abscond with it without burning himself. “Okay, it’s cool enough to touch.”

Xander ran over to a basketball sized fragment of the meteorite and picked it up, rather surprised at how light it was until he remembered exactly what the gem did and why they wanted it. He turned and ran for the portal before the hunter or alien noticed their presence.

Genie snickered as she followed Xander out of the cartoon. “That was easy. What are you going to do with it?”

“I was thinking about bone lacing, are you up for it?” Xander asked, thinking about some of the cyberpunk stuff he’d read about.

“Sure, I can do some bone lacing, it shouldn’t take all that much of the meteorite either.” Genie snapped her fingers and used some of the protrusions to lace his bones with the strange alien gemstone after making sure it wouldn’t do anything horrible to him, like make him impotent. 

Xander smiled as he looked at the infinitesimally smaller basketball size crystal that was the alien gemstone from another universe. “Phase One complete.”

“Phase One?” Genie asked raising an eyebrow. 

“Sure, that takes care of agelessness and super strength along with durability and makes sure vampires can’t break my legs again… Of course I’ll need to go somewhere with a montage or three for combat training and I should try and find some other powers to go with this, but Wildcat is good at training supers and he’s in several easy to find cartoons.” 

“Learning to fight would certainly help,” Genie agreed.

Xander nodded, tapping his fingers on the gemstone. “Of course we need a secure place to put this so no one runs off with it. We stole it fair and square.” 

“I can always stick it in my bottle,” she offered.

“Sounds like a plan for now,” Xander agreed and offered her the red glowing gemstone. 

Genie snapped her fingers and the gemstone disappeared from his hands and appeared securely inside her bottle. “That’s handled.” 

“Phase Two, visiting Zapped for telekinesis.”

“Zapped?” Genie asked, trying to figure out what he was talking about without ‘cheating’ and reading his mind.

“It’s an old movie where a student created an explosion that gave him telekinesis. I don’t remember any horrible side effects and telekinesis would be useful.” 

“What is it with you and explosions?” Genie asked curiously. 

“The idiot survived and didn’t mutate into anything. Besides it wasn’t a big explosion and he can lift at least two hundred pounds with his telekinesis which is enough to lift most vampires.”

“I don’t think you’re going to have any problems with vampires at this point in any case, but if you insist…” Genie shook her head bemusedly.

“No but it would have also let me lift the meteorite without touching it, there are a lot of cursed items that you don’t want to touch.”

“Fair enough,” Genie agreed.

Xander ran a search for the Zapped movie. “Looks like a French subtitled version starts in 17 minutes.”

“Seventeen minutes? I can work with that,” Genie said as she vanished the breakfast tray.

Xander grinned as he pulled her close. “Having a genie is awesome.”

“Almost as awesome as a genie having you,” Genie replied as she climbed on top of him.

0o0o0

Xander frowned slightly as he looked for a second playing of Zapped and couldn’t find it before tomorrow. “Yeah, we caught the important bits, the experiment and most of the naked girls. Not exactly thrilled with the idea of waiting until tomorrow but we’re not exactly pressed for time.”

“That gives us plenty of time to watch old movies,” Genie agreed.

“Makes me wish Willow was here,” Xander mused absently.

Genie snapped her fingers and teleported a naked Willow in between them on the bed. “Wish granted.”

Xander blinked as Willow eyes slowly opened. “Ah…”

Willow looked at Xander with a smile then pulled him on top of her and mashed her lips against his.

Genie smiled as she watched Xander and Willow going at it. ‘Best Master ever.’ 

Her polite grin turned in smirk when she saw Willow’s eyes open wide as she realized that she wasn’t dreaming and it didn’t matter, because Willow had no intention of passing up her shot at Xander and redoubled her efforts to suck the fillings from his teeth while undulating beneath him. 

‘Probably should wait until after the first round to join in.’ She frowned slightly as they still weren’t slowing down after ten minutes. ‘Fine, I was never all that concerned with manners anyway.’ She leaned in and attached her mouth to the side of Willow’s neck.

0o0o0

Willow continued to snuggle Xander as she asked, “How did I get here?”

“Xander wished you were here, I complied. It’s one of the great things about having a sex powered genie,” Genie explained as she trailed her fingers up Willow’s side.

“Sex powered genie?” Willow asked in disbelief.

Xander smiled at Genie. “Think I Dream of Jeannie only without the frigid astronaut and way more sex.”

“What can I say, I like sex,” Genie piped up.

“How did you get a genie?” Willow asked as she glanced between the gorgeous redhead and Xander.

“I rubbed the bottle then pulled out the stopper,” Xander replied with amusement, knowing he hadn’t answered her question.

“Fine, I’ll figure it out later,” Willow muttered playfully. She pulled his head down and kissed him until he had to come up for air. “You know I love you, right? I mean madly, crazy, stand with you at the end of the world kind of way?” she said seriously.

“I have kinda gotten that impression, yes,” Xander agreed. “You know I feel the same, only it wasn’t really lusty… until now, when it is.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Genie said with a frown.

“I do,” Willow said with a grin.

“Good,” Xander agreed. 

“No cutting me out,” Genie said. “I spent decades in a bottle all alone because my last master had a wife who was a jealous closed minded bitch of the first order. I hate being trapped like that.”

Willow turned and hugged her. “Nope, I’m good. I wouldn’t do something like that,” she swore, horrified at the idea of being trapped alone like that.

“Good, it was horrible,” Genie complained.

“I have to go to school in four hours,” Willow said with a sigh as Xander joined in the hug.

“Don’t worry about it, I can snap my fingers and you’ll feel well rested then we can get you into a shower and send you back with plenty of time to spare.”

“You’re awesome.” Willow turned to look at Xander. “Have you told her she’s awesome lately?”

“Yep but it bares repeating,” Xander replied as he reached over Willow and cupped Genie’s rear. “You’re awesome.”

“Thank you Master,” Genie said with a giggle.

“Are you sure we can’t just stay here forever?” Willow asked longingly.

Xander shook his head. “Sorry, we’d have to use the bathroom eventually. We should probably get some water.”

“Your wish is my command,” Genie replied then snapped her fingers, transfiguring the bed and everything into a hot tub with comfortable benches.

Willow let out a moan as she was suddenly up to her neck in water that was the exact perfect temperature. “Is there a word that’s better than awesome?”

Genie snickered as she leaned back and watched Xander and Willow. “If you have to be at school in four hours, let’s make the most of it.”

Willow blinked as she got the Genie’s meaning. “Three hours of sex would kill me.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to do something about your stamina.” Genie looked over at Xander. “Are you thinking what I am?”

“I think so Brain but where do we find 23 pomeranians and a kiddy pool at this time of night?” Xander asked with amusement.

Willow snickered.

Genie shook her head. “I’m obviously missing something.”

“It’s from a show,” Xander explained. “But yeah, to answer your first question, bone lacing?”

“Done,” Genie replied as she snapped her fingers and laced Willow’s bones with the meteorite. “That should take care of the stamina problem.”

Willow smiled as she realized she felt better. “Thank you.”

Genie grinned as she pulled Willow onto her lap. “Let’s give him a show.”