Hermione and the Watch Part 8 (Patreon)

Hermione smiled at Luna as she walked into the Great Hall with Harry and found the blond witch standing next to the Gryffindor table waiting for them. “Hopefully this clears up some of the confusion.”

“Sure, let’s go with that,” Harry replied in a whisper as they walked over to the Gryffindor table to talk with Luna. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel, on the one hand Fudge had dragged his name through the mud, on the other the whole mess had at least showed him who his actual friends were. “Nice to see you again Luna.”

“Harry, Hermione, are you ready for the questions?” Luna asked as she pulled a roll of parchment out of her book bag and a quill so she could take notes.

“Of course,” Hermione replied as she sat down on the bench, not sure what Luna was going to ask but willing to humor her.

“Let’s start with what happened in class that caused the detention.”

“She claimed that people didn’t need to defend themselves. I mentioned the response time of aurors and that you’d still have to defend yourself for a certain amount of time. She accused me of questioning the competency of the ministry and demanded to know what dangers we were expecting to face. I listed off several types of crimes that the aurors deal with on a regular basis, then listed off the ministry response times, including the difference in the response time based on blood status.”

“She did not take that well,” Harry said with a grin. 

Hermione shook her head. “And then she claimed I was making up rubbish so I showed her the report I’d requested from the ministry and she turned that weird shade of puce, not quite infected pus, not quite vomit green, you know the way she turns when she’s outmaneuvered, and she gave me detention.”

Luna wrote a couple notes down as she asked, “And how long have the two of you been having sex?”

Harry paused. “Do you mean total time in coitis or what was the time of the first occurence?”

“Yes,” Luna replied.

“Harry!” Hermione growled.

“Oh, right, I think we’ll have to go with no comment on that one,” Harry said with a wink.

“It was for my fluff piece anyway, or was that fluffer piece?” Luna said, before shrugging it off. “Alright, now tell me about the detention itself.”

Hermione scowled at Harry then turned back to look at Luna. “I walked in, she told me to write lines and gave me an inkless quill to use. I inquired about the lack of ink, she assured that it wasn’t a problem and to write lines until the message sunk in. I thought that was a bit weird but the Defense teachers have always been a little weird,” Hermione began.

“We prefer the term ‘normalcy challenged,” Luna interrupted. “But don’t mind me, go on.”

“Right…” Hermione said slowly before getting back to her recitation of events, “So, I started writing and my hand started to hurt. I finished the first line, ‘I must respect the Ministry.’ and noticed that the back of my hand was red and showing what I’d written. That’s when I glanced up and saw her adding something from a bottle to her tea.”

“I don’t like to tell tales out of school,” Harry began.

“Well then, it’s a good thing we’re in a school, isn’t it,” Luna said cheerfully.

“Exactly,” Harry agreed. “I think that… toad that walks like a man has a drinking problem. I mean her frequent loss of temper in class and her explosion today certainly fits with heavy drinkers in the muggle world.”

“It’s probably the loss of her family to a nest of snakes that caused her drinking problem,” Luna suggested.

“Snakes?” Harry asked, while Hermione just looked the two over like they were nuts.

“Snakes eat toads,” Luna pointed out, “and she is a missus which presumably means there was a mister, and since I can’t imagine anything human touching her willingly, I am assuming her husband was a toad of some sort, perhaps a skink. We at the Quibbler don’t judge.”

“That does seem likely,” Harry agreed, trying not to laugh as he thought about Umbridge’s expression if she ever read Luna’s article. He’d have to be sure to send her a copy.

“Anyway,” Hermione said loudly drawing their attention back to her, “after several pages my hand was raw and something was ticking over in my memory about quills that behaved this way. I looked up and noticed that Umbridge was snoring at her desk, so I went to wake her and ask if I’d written enough, but she just would not wake up. It was about then I realized that what I had used was exactly like the description of a blood quill which as everyone knows is not legal to use on a minor except in certain business matters, so I went to my head of house to request her assistance.”

“And McGonagall flaked on us again,” Harry said with a shrug, not having lost much faith in his head of house as he hadn’t had much faith in her to begin with.  

“Again?” Luna asked curiously.

“We tried to tell her about a threat to the Philosopher's Stone back in first, year and she blew us off, never mind that even knowing about the stone should have been enough to give us five minutes of her time. Not that I was expecting much from someone that thought I would ever team up with Malfoy to insult my mate Neville.”

“That does seem quite mad,” Luna agreed. “Do you think she has a drinking problem?”

“Well… she has had the Weasley Twins for more than a couple years,” Harry said thoughtfully.

“Yes, I see you’ve read our exposé on how Molly Weasley is in league with Ogden to keep the Wizarding World’s alcohol consumption up,” Luna said brightly.

“That was an article?” Harry asked surprised. “I just thought it was obvious. I mean, look at them.” Harry gestured to the twins who had just come in and were taking a seats with the Gryffindor chasers at the far end of the table. 

The Twins waved back cheerfully.

“We’re blaming you for the drinking problems among the staff!” Harry called out, getting matching salutes and bows in response. 

“Yes…” Hermione said slowly, “I can actually see the logic in that one.”

“We’ll make a Quibbler reader of you yet,” Luna swore with a grin, having way too much fun with the interview.

“You’ll never take my sanity,” Hermione hissed then blinked and shook her head, pretending the last few minutes hadn’t happened.

“I think it’d be easier to list the ones who don’t drink,” Harry suggested.

“And so,” Hermione said, trying to draw things back to the tale she was trying to tell.

“And so,” Harry and Luna chorused, turning back to her with matching grins.

“You were there for the morning event, Umbridge flipped out. We followed Dumbledore to his office and used a pensieve to give him a copy of my memories of the detention.”

“It’s a bit more fantastical than some of our articles, but I’m sure Daddy will love it,” Luna said happily as she started putting her stuff back in her bag.

Hermione opened her mouth to argue about the fantastical bit then closed it as she realized that there really wasn’t a point, Luna was Luna. “Thank you for taking the time to hear my side of the story rather than just printing whatever sells.”

“Of course, see you later,” Luna replied as she stood up then headed to the Ravenclaw table.

Harry smiled as he watched Luna bounce off happy. “That was more fun than I thought it would be, she’s adorable,” he whispered.

‘Normalcy challenge, indeed,’ Hermione thought, not noticing the slight smile on her face as she thought of the strange blonde girl. “Hopefully it helps.”

“Hopefully…” Harry trailed off as a Gringotts owl flew over and landed on the table. “For me?”

The owl gave Harry a look as it extended its leg so that Harry could untie the rather thick envelope.

“Right,” Harry replied as he untied the envelope. “Thanks…” he trailed off as the bird turned and flew off. He quickly and carefully opened the envelope then frowned at the note from his account manager. “Your request to purchase the Shrieking Shack is denied, mostly because you already own it and partially because it’s amusing to write this. I am charging you 3 Galleons for the whiskey I spilled laughing at your incompetence in financial matters, yours Garswag, Potter’s family account manager. 

P.S. I’ve included a list of properties you already own so that you may request their purchase at your leisure,” Harry read aloud.

Hermione clicked the stopwatch then fell off the bench laughing.

“I’m tempted to follow his advice and request he buy them! I’ll send him one every day or two when I’m bored.”

Hermione snickered as she stood up. “I’m fairly sure he’d start getting creative with account fees if you were actually wasting his time.”

“Good point,” Harry replied as he scanned the list. “Godric’s Hollow Cabin, Shrieking Shack, Cornwell Manor…” he scanned the next couple properties then sputtered as he saw the Knockturn Alley shop on the list. “I have a shop in Knockturn Alley? How much stuff do I own?”

“Your family is ancient, what did you expect?”

“The Weasleys are old, they’re rather poor, I hadn’t really thought about it,” Harry admitted, thinking about his trust vault filled with piles of galleons.

Hermione shrugged. “The Weasleys might be a bit cash starved at times but they still own their house and property. Not to mention that Arthur isn’t the head of the Weasley clan. You’re the last of the Potters.”

“Yet another thing to blame Voldemort for,” Harry complained as he looked at the list. “Looks like James bought the shack during their seventh year so Remus would have a place to stay if he ever needed it.”

Hermione winced. “Nice gesture, but Remus probably never wanted to go back there.”

“Probably not,” Harry agreed.

Hermione swung her leg back over the bench so that she was sitting in the same general position she had been when she stopped time then glanced around, making sure no one was looking at her. “3,2,1.” She pushed the button her on her watch unpausing time. “We’ll have to ask Snuffles about the shack when we get a chance.”

“At least it’s ours,” Harry replied as the plates, silverware and platters appeared signalling the start of dinner.

0o0o0

Hermione yawned as she shifted uncomfortably, sitting in the same position for an hour hadn’t done her back any favors, leaving her feeling a bit stiff. She glanced over at Ron and Ginny who were frozen in place in the middle of their chess game much like they’d been for the last couple hours. “This book is driving me insane.”

“Why?” Harry asked looking up from several of the magical cooking books he’d copied from the library so that he could teach himself to cook the magical way or at least figure out some helpful techniques as he already knew how to cook the normal way.

“I’d rather just read the book all the way through and be done with it but it has sections and limits on how long you’re supposed to read it before you should do something else or get sleep. It’s a bit frustrating.”

“There’s always tomorrow. Our plan worked well enough that Dumbledore didn’t start screaming at us in his office and you managed to put the correct memory in the pensieve. I’m calling that a win,” Harry replied as he put his quill on the rag he was using to soak up the extra ink.

“I guess I can take a break,” Hermione replied as she glanced at Harry’s small stack of cooking books he was taking notes on. “Find anything interesting?”

“Way too many cooking spells,” Harry replied with amusement as he shut the book on French cooking that was way too flowery and next to useless as they seemed to use magic for every part of the meal even if it would be easier to just do it by hand. “The only useful spells in here was a spell to dress game and a spell to keep a roast spinning.”

Hermione glanced over at Ginny. “Do you think Mrs. Weasley taught Ginny to cook?”

“No idea, she certainly didn’t cook anything while I was at the Burrow,” Harry replied as he started putting his books away in his bag so that his stack of books wouldn’t just suddenly appear when Hermione unpaused time.

“Do you want to ask?” Hermione asked as she stood up and walked over to look at Ginny and Ron’s chess game, more because she needed to stretch and less because of any interest in the game.

“Might as well, the worst she’s going to say is no.” He doubted Mrs. Weasley had bothered teaching Ron, but Ginny was a girl so there was an outside chance that she remembered some of the tricks that Mrs. Weasley had likely stuffed down her throat repeatedly until she could recite them in her sleep over the years. “Especially if I ask both of them if they learned to cook.”

Hermione shook her head. “I can’t see Ron learning to cook unless his life depended on it.”

“Not until he moves out at any rate,” Harry agreed as he finished putting his stuff away.

“Is it bad that I want to swap a couple of his pieces?” Hermione asked with a evil smirk as she walked around behind Ginny.

“Not really,” Harry replied as he walked over and studied the board. “He’s a bit too smug about winning.”

“It’s something he’s good at,” Hermione pointed out as she looked down Ginny’s shirt. “Cute nipples.”

Harry blinked as he realized that Hermione had just blatantly checked out Ginny’s breasts. “Hermione?”

“What?” Hermione asked absently as she reached down and pulled the front of Ginny’s shirt open a bit more so that she could get a better view.

He ignored the little voice in the back of his head that was shouting, ‘Don’t ask questions, just enjoy the show!’ as loudly as it could. “Is there a reason you’re looking down Ginny’s shirt?” 

“I was curious, her nightie hides a surprising amount, it’s a bit annoying really,” Hermione replied as she reached her right hand into Ginny’s shirt and ran her fingertips over Ginny’s breasts.

Harry stared for a couple of seconds in shock as Hermione played with Ginny’s breasts before the gears in his head started moving again. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve got a cute pet with soft skin to play with and nowhere to be for the next few hours.”

‘Okay, what the hell?’ Harry turned and looked at the occlumency book sitting ‘innocently’ on the table. ‘Sirius mentioned weird dreams, he didn’t mention losing your damned mind. Then again he’s a Black, would he even notice?’ He couldn’t remember her playing with any dark objects recently which meant it was probably the occlumency book. ‘Great, the one book we really need to finish reading.’

“Do you want to see her breasts?” Hermione asked with a grin.

Harry had to bite back his initial response of ‘Yes.’ knowing it wouldn’t be fair to Ginny. “Were we still going to test the unicorn heart?” he asked to distract her from molesting their friend.

Hermione absently played with Ginny’s nipples as she replied, “Hmm, as much fun as stripping Ginny naked and forcing her to eat a unicorn heart would be, we should probably test things on someone we’re less fond of first, like Filch.”

“Why Filch?” Harry asked curious, somewhat thankful for the distraction.

Hermione gave Ginny’s breasts one last grope then pulled her hand out of her friend’s shirt. “He’s neutral, neither a friend nor an enemy and someone annoying enough that I could live with accidentally killing or driving insane if something went drastically wrong.” She was fairly sure that any physical issues would be cured by the watch but she wasn’t willing to take that risk when it came to her friends without at least one solid field test first.

“What happens if it goes right and he ends up a Dark Lord?” Harry asked half joking.

“If he goes completely off the deep end, we’ll just have to hunt him down and kill him. It shouldn’t be a big deal, with any luck he’ll never realize that he can get power from eating magical creatures. Besides he’s a squib and this will fix that, meaning we’ll be able to see the ritual work the way it was meant to.”

Harry shivered slightly as he realized that Hermione was more than a little screwed up right now. “How are you planning on getting Filch to eat it? Imperius curse?”

“Of course not, I’m fairly sure I couldn’t cast any of the unforgivables even if I wanted to, thanks to the phoenix magic running through my veins. We’ll just stun him then force a tube down his throat and flush it into his stomach. Now, let’s go kill a unicorn!” Hermione said cheerfully as she grabbed his arm and teleported them both to the forest in a burst of fire.

Harry twitched as he looked around warily. “What the hell?!”

Hermione blinked as she glanced around the dark eerily silent forest. “No idea, I just wanted to be in the forest and my magic activated. We’ll have to run some tests later…” she trailed off as she turned and saw a large blindingly white unicorn with golden hooves and a long sharp looking horn frozen in the process of munching on a patch of grass. “That was easier than I was expecting.”

Harry shivered with unease as he watched Hermione take a small saw out of her bag as she walked over to the unicorn. ‘Yeah, I’m going to have to look up a counter curse for the book when we get back. I wonder why it took this long to kick in, maybe it was because she was reading it too long? Maybe it’s just that section or maybe we didn’t notice before?’ He started mentally reviewing the last couple of days, trying to figure out when the book had started influencing them, the only thing that he could figure out was that she’d read the book too long because he was fine as far as he could tell.

Hermione stuck the cut off unicorn horn in her bag then started stripping so she wouldn’t get blood on her clothes when she cut its heart out.