Too Real (Patreon)

Story by Leena (@MyLifeIsARPG)

“Halt monster!” shouted Seraphine the Sorceress. “You’ll not torture these innocent peasants any longer!”

“What a foolish adventurer you are,” boomed Ulagoth the demon. “These villagers summoned me here, to drink of my power such that they might be relieved of their toil for but a moment. And all it cost was their soul! MUAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA”

“I will save these villagers from their bondage and deliver you back to the depths of the pit where you belong!” shouted Seraphine. “CHAOS BOLT!”

Seraphine held up her staff and energy crackled around it, pointing it at the demon and…

…

“Hold on, hold on,” Gwen, Seraphine’s player, said rummaging through her backpack. “I know I have the Chaos Bolt beanies in here somewhere.”

Gwen and her friends had been going to LARPfest for years now, a yearly weekend long retreat for gamers to nerd out, cosplay, and act out their greatest scenes from their best campaigns in real life.

Unfortunately, with enough players there’s always some… technicalities… to consider.

“Come oooon Gwen!” said Margot, Ulagoth’s player. She really did look imposing. She stood eight feet tall, had huge hooves, horns, three eyes, six breasts, a thick reptilian tail, massive claws, razor sharp teeth, and a long snakelike tongue… but she sounded whiny and meek. “You forced me to play Ulagoth again and now you are holding the game up!”

“You are the best Ulagoth player we have!” said Nadia, who was standing near by in a neon vest with the words “Game Master” emblazoned on it. “Who else can play the part?”

“ANYONE!” whined Margot stomping a hoof. “It’s all pretend. I hate being the villain. I hate having to play a physical class. I hate dressing up in this heavy armor. I want to play a princess in a pretty dress, rescued from distress by a daring adventurer.”

“You can do that next game,” Gwen said still rummaging through her backpack.

“You said that three games ago!” Margot said, pouting. “This is typecasting you know. It’s borderline prejudice against mutants…”

“It’s just a game Margot, AH here it is, CHAOS BOLT!” Gwen picked up a beanbag out of her backpack and threw it, as it bounced weakly to an almost comic degree off of Magot’s face.

“Oh god, I’ve been slain,” Magot said in a monotone voice.

“Come on Maghot! Put some oomph into it!” Gwen complained.

“That’s four damage, plus you have to draw a card for your element,” Nadia said nose deep in the rules.

“Good, now prepare yourself beast, because next I will cast… unnnf….” Gwen suddenly paused.

“Huh?” Magot asked.

“I said I cast… unnngh!” Gwen suddenly fell to her feet. “I… I don’t feel so good guys.”

“Do we need to get the medic?” Nadia asked.

“No I just, need some water I… I… AAAAGH!” Gwen arched her back as suddenly two new arms BURST from her sides! Her Friends could her her flesh stretching and slurping as they grew. “Oh god, Oh god what’s happening to me!”

Margot rushed to Gwen’s side, “Ok, stay calm, stay calm. You never told us you had the mutant gene!”

“I, I didn’t know UNNNNGHH!” Gwen screamed again as another pair of arms burst out of her. “Oh god help, help!”

“Just breathe,” Margot said holding Gwen steady.

“M-my body feels like its tearing itself apart!” Gwen cried as she felt another pair of legs, and another push out from her body underneath her robes.

“You’ll get through this, it’s OK.” Margot said.

“Oh god oh GOD AAAAAAAH!” Gwen screamed again as her body literally began ripping itself apart. Her head split down the middle. Her torso literally struggled to pull away from itself. Margot quickly attempted to take off her robes and by the time the strange splitting process was done, there was not one but two Gwens, each which seemed to “inherit” some of her limbs. One Gwen had four arms, one pair midway down her torso. The other hand four legs arranged in a taur position. Both were moaning and dizzy.

It took a while before the medical volunteers came to help the Gwens out, wrap them in blankets, and start questioning them. Gwen always answered with both mouths at the same time. Even though she had two bodies, she still seemed to think with one brain. The game was obviously put on pause as Margot and Nadia sat by her.

“How are you feeling?” Magot asked.

“It’s weird,” both Gwens said. “I feel everything twice. It’s like these two bodies are just… one body. It’s hard to explain.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard,” Magot said. “Mutating takes a lot out of someone.”

“I was thinking,” Nadia said. “You are going to have to make a new character.”

“Huh,” the Gwens said.

“Well, there is a race that is one mind and two bodies in DND, it’s the D’Vati, and that’s going to adjust your stats.”

“Nadia, now’s not the time,” the Gwens said.

“But the limbs are a problem, one of you can be a centaur, the other can be a Thri-Keen, how do you feel about playing two characters at once?” Nadia asked.

“I can’t even talk out of one mouth at a time!” The Gwens said.

“No, no I understand that, I’m just saying you are probably better suited for a monster class than a player class right now,” Nadia said. “I mean look at you.”

“Really Nadia?” the Gwens said. I just want to keep playing Seraphine!

“I just don’t think you can pull off the look,” said Nadia.

Margot snickered, “Doesn’t feel very good does it?” she said with a smirk. “Now when medical is done, maybe we can talk about getting me fitted for a princess gown, eh Gwen?”