Saint Patrick Romance (Patreon)

“Are you sure about this?” asked Rob. “I don’t really know if this can be reverse or if it will have any lasting effects.

Before him was Becky, a mutant that for all appearances seemed to be made entirely of wood. She climbed onto the carpentry table with all the confidence in the world, flicking back her beautiful red hair.

“Relax,” she said with total calm. “Something goes wrong, take that wood glue over there and put me back together. Simple as that. But if this all goes right, we are gonna be the life of the party.”

Rob sighed at the position he was in. There was a beautiful naked girl in front of him, perfect curves, flirty freckles on her face, a woman anyone would be lucky to have…

… and she wanted him to cut her up.

“This is something completely different from what I usually do. I haven’t worked on a living being before… let alone a friend.” Rob took out a large surge protector and started to plug in a variety of carpentry tools. “I’m just kinda a DIY hobbyist ya know. Aren’t there professionals that sculpt clay mutant girls or something?”

“A) I’m not made of clay. I’m made of wood. And B) You’ll do fine! You are the most skilled person with a saw I know. You made all those birdhouses and door knockers and little fountain fixtures and…”

“OK, OK, I get it… I just… I’m not sure where to start.”

“Just imagine me like any other piece of wood. Here. I’ll lie here completely still, like any other block of wood. See, totally still. Totally normal.”

“Normal blocks of wood don’t talk… also they don’t have tits as good as yours,” Rob joked.

“Oh stop making excuses you big baby! I’ll be fine!”

Rob gave a small nod and started moving Becky along the table. To his surprise she was much lighter than he expected. He positioned her so the circular saw was just below her breasts and with one push, the saw tore right through her.

“OOOOH!” Becky cried.

“Oh my god Becky! Are you ok?” Rob said, turning off the saw.

“Yeah! Yeah I’m fine it just tickled,” she said with a grin.

“Well, piece of advice, normal pieces of wood usually aren’t ticklish, if you are still trying to get into character,” Rob said, wiping the nervous sweat from his brow.

“No, I mean it TICKLED, you know… in that way. I never thought power tools would feel this good. We should play with them more often.”

Rob was speechless. Was she… getting off on this? “So… should I get back to work?”

“Yes, please do,” Becky said.

Rob did his best to follow the plan. Another cut and her waist was separated from the middle of her torso. A drill and a jigsaw got him started on a hole in the middle of her abdomen, large enough to fit a small beer keg. Each cut made Becky moan a little bit louder, her other halves writhing in pleasure.

“You really do have magical hands Rob,” she said biting her lower lip. “I never felt anything quite so pleasurable before.”

“Uh… thank you… I guess,” Rob said, embarrassed beyond belief.

“I’ll have to thank you… properly… a little later,” Becky said

Rob continued with the plan trying to ignore the flirty advances. Any other time and he would welcome them, but one slip up here and he could ruin the project, or worse, cut himself, and he wasn’t nearly as resilient to blades as Becky was. He began drilling channels into her torso for small hoses, using a torch to smooth out the wood.

“God the drill feels the best,” Becky said. “Although I bet your personal drill feels even better…”

“I have no idea what you are talking about…” Rob said, spreading Becky’s legs apart. He brought in a couple small metal refrigeration units and hooked them to hoses that ran through her legs. “You’ll probably be a little cold, but it will keep the beer cold. You’ll have to plug in to power the cooler’s battery every so often.”

“Oh… no problem,” Becky said, a little flustered at how well Rob was doing at ignoring her.

“This is probably going to feel weird… or not… I don’t know how wood mutants feel with a power chord in them,” he said as he flipped Becky’s hips around.

“Ooooooh, are you gonna put it in my butt? You dirty thing.” Becky said, teasing again.

She wasn’t far off. Rob drilled a small hole into her lower back and started threading a chord through, right where her tailbone would be… if she had bones.

Becky meanwhile was moaning so loud you’d think she was having an orgas m. Her eyes were rolling back into her head as she screamed for more as Rob DESPERATELY tried to keep his monind on the project and safety.

“I’m done with your legs,” Rob said, dangling Becky’s feet over the edge of the table. “Just give me a second to hook everything up.”

He began stacking her again, threading hoses and wires through her body, setting a beer keg in the middle of her and using the torch again to singe her wood and make it constrict around it. He reached for the wood glue but, strangely, Becky’s body simply knitted itself back together as soon as her parts touched. Within moments she was standing there, with a full beer keg in her abdomen, spouts on her breasts. She was a walking beer tap.

“YES IT WORKED!” she exclaimed, but then toppled as she got to her feet. She found she couldn’t bend much due to the keg stuck in her, and her balance was all off.

“Careful!” Rob said. “Don’t agitate the beer too much. You’ll build up pressure and you might start leaking. Now I’ve saved all your sawdust and parts so I should be able to put you back together-“

“I’m gonna stay like this for a while!” Becky said, cutting Rob off. “Though I wouldn’t mind being more flexible in the midsection. How often do I have to charge?”

“Your legs are going to feel cold for the most part,” Rob said. “If they start warming up, that means the units have stopped so plug in a bit. Or you know, you can just taste the beer and see if it’s warm.”

Becky walked over to the surge protector and plugged herself in. She felt a strange but pleasant sensation in her as the beer began running through the cooling units in her legs. She almost fell to her knees as she felt all this machinery run inside her. “Oh GOD this feels good, I’m going to be charging all night!”

“not too much that you won’t enjoy the party I hope?” Rob said as he put his tools away. Becky began dressing herself for the party: black platform heels with a gold buckle across the instep, white and green checkered stockings, a miniskirt that barely concealed anything and a skimpy Irish-patterned top that exposed her nipples and the taps inside.

Rob smirked a she saw her transform from a plank of wood to a sexy beer goddess. “I guess I am a pretty good carpenter.

“Rob…” Becky said. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, of course, what is it?” Rob said, cleaning off his workbench.

“Why don’t you like me?”

“WHAT!?” Rob said, dropping the rag he was using to clean.

“Why don’t you like me!? Is it because I’m a mutant? Is it because of my personality? Do you not like my body?” Becky continued to badger Rob with questions.

“Woah woah woah slow down Becky! Who said I don’t like you?”

“You barely reacted at all when you were working on me. It practically felt like sex and you didn’t even respond!”

“If I didn’t focus I was going to screw up the job, or cut myself, and I can’t heal like you! The workbench is no place for sex!”

“Then what about the bed! I’ve tried to flirt with you before all this. Why ignore me then!”

“Because look at me Becky!” Rob said with an exasperated sigh. “I whittle wood for fun in my spare time, and work the rest of the day. There are a million more interesting guys out there. I’m just some schmuck that has a wood shop in his back yard and-“

Rob’s rant was cut off as Becky suddenly grabbed him by the collar and kissed him deeply on the lips. Even though they were made of wood, they felt as soft and supple as flesh. It left Rob breathless.

“W-wow” he said.

“No one is more interesting than you, OK?” she said pulling off his safety goggles. “Since you are apparently not that great with taking initiative, here’s the deal. From now on you are my personal carpenter. We are going to do a lot of… projects… together… and I only want you to sculpt me. Deal?”

“What do I get from it?” Rob said.

“The privilege of working on a mutant like me, and you know, perhaps some fringe benefits. It’s still a couple hours before the party. Why don’t we have a little fun.”

“I’d like to, but the assembly won’t stand up to a lot of motion,” he said tapping on the keg. “Get too rough and you’ll break.”

“Well then I guess I’m lucky that I have someone who can fix me right here,” she said grabbing him by the collar again. “Let’s go to the bedroom, after all, you said the workbench was no place for sex.”

“But I…”

“Nuh-uh-uh,” Becky scolded. “Safety first.”