The Second Archon war, Sapientia Oromasdis 8 (Patreon)

Sapientia Oromasdis 8: Once Upon a Dream

On the morning of Eid, Farasha was quiet at the breakfast table. Bashir asked her if she was alright, and she brushed it off with a laugh and smile before turning contemplative again.

Nahida, of course, knew exactly what was going on, even if she tried not to.

Dreams were her domain, but mortal minds didn’t respond to dreams quite the same way that spirits of Wisdom and Knowledge did. To Nahida, it was quite easy to recall everything that happened in the world of Dreams, just as if she were in her daily waking life. To a human, however, Dreams were something ephemeral, and were often forgotten as soon as their minds returned to the waking world.

Farasha couldn’t quite remember everything that had happened in her dreams, but what she did remember were happy images of a tea party with Nahida and Qiqi, the three of them laughing and playing together. In the dream, Farasha had been a little girl, just as she’d been in the nightmare her demon had been crudely feeding her. It was perfectly normal for adults to see themselves as children in dreams, for Dreams were something a child’s mind understood far better. In this case, Farasha felt guilty for a night of untroubled sleep.

“I’ve got to head in to Headquarters this morning,” Farasha told Bashir, looking up from her breakfast at last. “Probably meet with Uncle Saddam too. There’s gonna be a lotta fallout from last night.”

Bashir looked up from helping Qiqi feed herself, his face a mask of worry and concern. “What? Are you in danger? The girls? Did I not perform well enough in the demonstration?”

“Eh, you could have grown a whole damn grove of pomegranates and El Presidente would have wanted more. Don’t sweat it; he’s pretty chuffed that he’s got such powerful Dendro Vision holders or whatever. No, you big dork, the fallout is all your fault in an entirely different way,” Farasha teased.

Bashir looked rather worried, but Nahida put her hands to her mouth to try to stifle a giggle. That got Bashir to frown at her, while Farasha laughed at herself.

“See? Nahida has it figured out. See, kiddo?, Tthis is why you two really do need a mom,: men can be so slow sometimes.”

Nahida could sense that Bashir’s mind was going to men with guns kicking down doors in the night and his loved ones being tossed into jail cells, so she gave the poor man a respite. “She means all the paperwork from you two becoming engaged.”

“Oh. Oh!” Bashir brightened considerably, sagging slightly with relief. He grinned bemusedly, stroking his beard. “I suppose I should start with my parents, eh?”

“Might not be a bad idea. Especially since, you know, I’ve never met them. Set up a meeting or something. I know your grandma’s still around too, right?” Farasha asked.

“She is, though she is 92. For a woman of her age, she’s rather cognizant, only minor dementia, but it would be good for you to meet her. She always does ask when I will find a wife whenever we talk,” Bashir chuckled. He turned serious then. “You do know they do not approve of my taking orphans in, or of my research into Parahumans. My father isn’t terribly religious, nor my mother, but they are still suspicious.”

“Well, you should at least introduce them to their adorable granddaughters and wonderful new daughter-in-law!” Farasha laughed. Then she blushed and looked down. “Um, assuming we’re actually doing this. It was just a way to get out of a jam real quick.”

Bashir got up and came over, giving Farasha a tender kiss that made Nahida blush and half cover her face with her hands. Qiqi just stared rudely, so Nahida put one hand over Qiqi’s eyes, which caused the other girl to lean back in confusion.

“They’re kissing,” Nahida whispered by way of explanation.

“Oh. Ok,” Qiqi said, though Nahida sensed she had no idea what that meant, and went back to eating her breakfast.

“Well, um, I-I guess that qualifies as an answer,” Farasha stammered, her face having gone beet red.

“Forever and always,” Bashir promised her, stroking her cheek. “I’ll tell my parents.”

“Great, super! Even scarier than meeting with Uncle Saddam,” Farasha said with an exaggerated shudder, though Nahida knew that Farasha was far more terrified of rejection by Bashir’s parents than she was by their ruler.

After that, things settled into a routine. Bashir’s parents lived in Basra, and while they did have a few phone calls where Nahida got to introduce herself, it wasn’t quite the same. It would be at least a month before Farasha and Bashir could get enough time off of their busy work schedule to visit, and Bashir’s grandmother could not easily travel to come see them. It would be either an overnight train ride, or a flight on a plane that Farasha commandeered. Either sounded exciting to Nahida, though the plane flight appealed to her especially.

Aside from that, it was more work in the clinic, and of course, Nahida’s online classes. A week after Eid, Nahida got a message from Tess as soon as she signed into her online class. It was just a simple text, so Nahida read through it quickly.

From: theresa.richter@ox.ac.uk

Subject: Hey

Sorry I’ve been radio silent. What happened last time put me in a weird spot. I’m not sure how to talk to my dad about it. Can we chat? Same place as last time.

-Tess

Grinning excitedly, Nahida dove into the network once more, navigating her way through the wonders of the internet and only pausing to watch a few of cute cat videos along the way. She could see Tess lurking in the Oxford mainframe again, waiting nervously. Once more, Nahida brushed against her, waving hi excitedly and saying, Hello!

Oh god! How do you DO that!? I don’t even have a sense of touch, but I can feel you! Tess said, giving off a deep sense of embarrassment.

Sorry, I was just so happy to see you again!  Nahida giggled. As for how I do it…I guess that’s just how it works for me. This is much like the world of dreams, or the network that I originally helped grow.

So…you came from a computer too? Did a Tinker build you? Tess asked curiously.

Um, no. I’m actually a tree, if you really think about it though I suppose the purpose I was intended for is similar to a computer, so I guess I did come from a computer! Just an arborial one, Nahida admitted. As for who grew me…I suppose that’s a very good question. I must have had a creator at some point. I think it was Greater Lord Rukkhadevata, but I honestly don’t know. Maybe I was just a little forest spirit or a regular tree that became what I am now.

You…what? Tess sent several queries towards Nahida, which tickled slightly. She let them give Tess a general sense of her, but didn’t let them see anything sensitive.  Are you like…from a fantasy game or something? Oh wow, did an NPC in Final Fantasy Trigger or something?

No, definitely not. I am not what you would call a Parahuman at all, Nahida said firmly. Are you? You mentioned a Father, were you born of a mortal man?

Born is…the wrong word. I mean, we’re both AI, right? Or no, you said you’re a tree or something. Anyway, I guess I can tell you now? I mean, all those limiters my dad put on me and all the kill programs are gone now, so…yeah. Tess trailed off, floating in the electrical cloud and looking terribly melancholy.

Nahida floated forward and gave Tess a big hug, which made Tess start again.

How do you keep doing that!? But… thanks? It feels… nice? Wow, uh, I didn’t think I could get hugs…

It’s a conceptual hug, Nahida told Tess. Real ones feel much nicer. Does your father hug you? Dr. Bashir hugs me.

Nahida, I’m a computer program. How on Earth would I hug my dad? Tess demanded in exasperation. Also, uh, I did some investigating on you… you really know Bashir Saeed? He’s a parahuman researcher or something in Iraq, right? There’s not a lot of information on him after he graduated from Oxford, I thought you were just impersonating him or something.

No, he’s my… guardian? Um, he’s sort of like my parent, but, um, he’s not really my dad. I do live in his house and he takes care of me… maybe he really is my dad? He reads me bedtime stories and tucks me in too…

Nahida trailed off when she sensed pain radiating from Tess, and blushed. Sorry! Um, are you OK? You seem really sad.

Yeah, I just… this is a lot to take in. I… well, my relationship with my father is really complicated. He made me, but, well… I’m just an interesting experiment to him. His test to see if he can make a Turing-compliant AI that can really pass for human. He doesn’t even have me siphoning off money from assholes like- what? What’s with the face? Why can I see you frowning?! You look like an adorable little fairy, that’s cheating!

That’s a bad word, Nahida said seriously. You shouldn’t use words like that.

Tess was silent for a moment, which was a very long time for a being who could think as fast as she could, nearly as quickly as Nahida. Their entire conversation so far had lasted barely three seconds, sent at the speed of thought, far more quickly than any human exchange of ideas. It was actually rather thrilling to be able to communicate with another being who was capable of such things. Nahida almost had to really focus to keep up with the conversation, to the point that she was only watching two dozen cat videos now. How could there be so many adorable videos of cats!? And puppies too!

You’re kidding, right? What are you, a little kid? Tess asked, sounding exasperated.

Well, technically, I’m older than you are, Nahida said in a stretch of the truth that was truly impressive even for her. There were beings on this planet older than her, but only three of them had sentience, and she wasn’t really sure about how old the God of the Cycle was.

In response, Nahida sent a picture of herself. Not dressed like she would be in Iraq, but as she’d appeared in the Sanctuary of Surasthana.

… OK, wow. Yeah, you’re definitely from some weird fantasy game or something. Are you seriously just a little girl?

It is how I was conceived of, born from the image that my creator held, and it is how I conceive of myself in return, Nahida responded. Just as you conceive of yourself as an adult. So, in this situation, you really should be trying to set a good example for me, according to common social conventions.

That provoked laughter from Tess. OK, little fairy. I guess I’ll watch my filthy mouth around you. Geeze, you’d think an AI on the internet would have been more exposed to things. Like, have you seen how much of this is porn?

That made Nahida so embarrassed that she only managed to send Tess a sense of herself going completely red in the face, then she disconnected from the internet and turned off the computer before running away to go hide in her room. She felt like she’d done something naughty, and probably had by violating Bashir’s trust and talking to a stranger on the internet. She definitely hadn’t looked at… well, that stuff, but still, the very thought of it made her very uncomfortable.

To Nahida’s horror, Bashir found her hiding in her room under the covers, and came to sit down on the bed. The silence was palpable, and Nahida did her best to pretend to be asleep.

“So. What website did you visit?” Bashir asked, sounding both amused, and very disappointed in Nahida. She hadn’t realized just how much Bashir being disappointed in her would hurt. She almost would rather he be furious with her.

“Um, I-I didn’t visit any bad websites… I was just, um, talking with one of my classmates,” Nahida admitted, poking her head up from under the covers.

“Hmm. And if I check our visited website logs, what will I find, I wonder?” Bashir asked, his face stern now.

Precisely nothing, because Nahida had merrily circumvented all of the filters and restrictions of the Iraqi state security services, and had hidden her tracks extremely well, to the point that not even Tess could have found out where she’d been unless she was both extremely observant and very lucky.

However, Nahida found that she was completely powerless to lie in this instance, and softly admitted, “I, um, I downloaded a few… hundred… videos…n-not bad ones! B-but, um, I-I was embarrassed because Tess, um, teased me about the internet being for… y-you know…”

Bashir raised an eyebrow, and to  Nahida’s horror, within his head, an EXTREMELY inappropriate series of images flashed. Apparently, giving a young man unlimited internet access in college in a foreign land had some unfortunate results.

“T-that. Um, it was that,” Nahida wailed, hiding back under the covers.

Bashir coughed and gently pried her back out. “So, you didn’t see anything?’

“Not on purpose,” Nahida muttered, covering her eyes with her hands despite that doing precisely nothing.

That prompted a heavy sigh, and Nahida looked up, fidgeting slightly. This was silly. She was 505 years old. She’d read plenty of texts on human reproductive habits, and some rather steamy romance novels (though she’d skipped the steamy bits). Why was she acting like an embarrassed child?

The distinctly unhelpful part of her mind pointed out that it was because she was an embarrassed child.

“Nahida. You’re a Thinker. And, well, I’m starting to suspect a lot more than you appear,” Bashir told her. That made her even more flustered, which prompted her to attempt to explain things slightly.

“Well, um, I suppose if you used the PRT Classification system my biggest rating would be a Thinker…” She stammered.

“Mhmm. And how high, exactly, do you think they would rate you?” Bashir asked.

Nahida opened and closed her mouth, then put a finger to her chin and gave that some serious pondering. “Well…  maybe a Thinker 9 or 10? I’m not the best at predicting the future, that’s more the domain of Focalors or Dantalion, but I am very good at analyzing situations and coming up with answers. I do require a lot of data, but my processing speed is many times the human norm, and I do possess a lot of accumulated knowledge, especially after downloading the Oxford Library and the Library of Congress.”

“You did what? Nahida, please tell me you didn’t download a bunch of national secrets!” Bashir asked, sounding horrified.

“Um…” Nahida gave him a shy smile. “... then I won’t tell you? Besides, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone the schematics for a nuclear ballistic missile submarine or their locations, not after everyone is scrambling to dismantle… them… um… hehe, oops?”

Bashir had gone increasingly pale at that, and put a hand over his eyes. “Nahida. You cannot ever tell anyone that you possess highly classified data. Just… just how much of the internet is in your head now?”

“Well, I didn’t make the same mistake as Freakazoid. I just read most of the books. Not even all of them! I was joking about the submarines! I only downloaded publicly available books, then made some educated guesses based off of news articles that anyone could have read!”

“Thinker 10,” Bashir groaned, drawing his hand down so that his eyes and jowls drooped for a moment and made him look very funny and old. He sighed and gave Nahida a pained smile. “And what ratings would I receive, do you think?”

“Well, you’re not really a well-trained Dendro user yet, so at your current level, you’re only about a Brute 4, Blaster 3, and maybe a Striker 3? Obviously, if you had a proper Catalyst and some training on how to use your abilities, those would all go up. Allergens do have the potential to surpass even the gods, after all,” Nahida answered.

“Really,” Bashir said, tugging at his beard. A thought seemed to occur to him, and he grinned at Nahida. “Could you train me?”

“Well… not in combat. I, um, I was never very good at fighting, even when people tried to make me,” Nahida admitted. She changed tact when she saw how much that admission hurt Bashir. “But they only tried a few times! They gave up eventually because I would always find a way that didn’t require violence of any kind. I can teach you how to wield Dendro to heal, to help all life grow, and to access the World of Samsara; Dreaming World. It’s harder because you won’t take any drugs, but with strict discipline and meditation, it’s possible to do so without any psychedelic aids.”

“Are you a refugee, then? Where are you from, Nahida? You said Sumeru… did you mean Syria?” Bashir asked, looking concerned.

“I suppose I am a refugee. I’m… not from this country,” Nahida admitted, looking down and clasping her hands. She swallowed. “I… I came a very long way. I don’t know how. I was just hiding in that truck, where they couldn’t find me. They kept me locked up for so long, I just… I wanted to be free, to find… to find a family…”

She realized she was crying, and Bashir hugged her, kissing the top of her head. “You have one now, Nahida. I won’t ask too much about your past. But when you’re ready to talk… I’m ready to listen.”

Nahida nodded gratefully, feeling deeply relieved.

“...and you’re grounded from the computer for two weeks. I’ll let your professors know.”

“NOOOOOOO! But what about my assignments!? How will I turn them in!? What about my grades!?” Nahida wailed, clutching at Bashir in horror.

As it turned out, Nahida took some big fat zeroes on several assignments and reduced scores on several others, which made her sulk in her room as it ended her streak of pure academic excellence. Farasha found the entire situation hilarious, which hurt Nahida’s feelings even more.

“Don’t worry about it, Little Radish. Every girl has to cut class sometimes and get low scores,” Farasha teased her. “I used to cut class all the time.”

“Hmph. Maybe I don’t want a delinquent as my mother,” Nahida muttered. She felt Farasha’s sudden emotional wound like it was her own, and immediately relented. “I’m sorry! I-I’m sure you’ll be a great mom! I just… I just… I really wanted to get a 4.0 GPA…”

“I forgive you. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m up to be the mother of anyone, much less a five year old. I’d have to have had you when I was 19, and while I know some girls do that, I sure as heck wasn’t ready to be a mom back then…” Farasha joked, though Nahida could still feel the pain.

“You’ll be a great mom. Even if you aren’t old enough to have had me,” Nahida said, in one of her increasingly common legendary understatements. One would have to go back at least 25 generations before you could find someone old enough to be Nahida’s parent. And then they would probably have to be a tree. “Qiqi already calls you mom.”

“She does,” Farasha admitted, glancing over to where Qiqi was sitting and playing with her toys on the kitchen floor. She was actually talking while she played, having her dolls say “mmm” and “more please” and things like that. “I know I’m especially not ready to be a six year old’s mom.”

“Oh? Qiqi’s six?” Nahida asked, glancing over at her.

“She’s almost seven, actually. Her birthday’s March 3rd,” Farasha said with a sigh. “Just a couple months away, really.”

“Well, we’ll have to have a big party for her!” Nahida declared happily. “And make a cake!”

“Hmm, I wonder what kind she’d like,” Farasha laughed.

“Cocogoat!” They both said together.

At that, however, Qiqi looked up. “Cake? Cocogoat cake?”

“Later, for your birthday,” Nahida told her.

“Oh,” Qiqi looked terribly crestfallen at that, which ended with Farasha taking them over to the bakery and getting them all some coconut cookies.

Eventually, Nahida’s exile from the computer ended, and she eagerly logged back in, hastily submitting as many of her assignments, late as they were, as she could. As she did so, she saw Tess post something as well, with a little data attachment, just for Nahida.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a perv. Can you still talk?

Nahida responded by searching for Tess, but she wasn’t in the Oxford terminal. A quick search told her that Tess was lurking on her home mainframe, apparently nervous and sulking. Nahida politely went over and knocked on Tess’ proverbial door, which caused the AI to pop out instantly.

Gah! Don’t scare me like that! What if my dad saw you!? He might try to delete you and me both! Tess admonished.

Oh, sorry. Your dad… would delete you? Nahida asked, horrified at the very thought. Bashir would never do something like that, not even if he thought Nahida was dangerous to him. He was far too kind and compassionate.

Yeah… I… well, I found more out about those programs you erased from me by digging through his stuff really carefully. Turned out he put, like, a BUNCH of failsafes in me in case I went rogue and decided to reenact Skynet or something, Tess said, her words carrying a great deal of exasperation, anger, and pain.

Nahida had to do a quick search to learn what Skynet was, as a movie entitled Terminator with an R rating had not been something that had appealed to her. Oh, you mean, he’s worried you’d try to wipe out humanity? But… but you’re a good person. You wouldn’t do that.

To Nahida’s surprise, Tess felt like she was crying, and said, I could really use a hug right now… even if it’s a simulated one…

Always, Nahida agreed, hugging Tess tightly.

Thanks, Tess said, pain and sadness radiating from her spirit. It’s so weird how you can do that when I don’t even have any nerves or anything. But… thanks. And thank you for saying I’m a person. Even if I’m really not…

You’re just as much of a person as a human, Nahida stated firmly. Just like me.

Yeah, sure. You at least have a physical body, or something, right? You said you’re a tree, Tess pointed out.

I know lots of incorporeal spirits, Nahida reassured Tess. And lots of beings that aren’t human at all, like Aranarakin and the other aranara.

Yeah, and I know a couple of ghosts and a fairy, Tess snorted.

Really? I haven’t met any ghosts here. I’ve been wondering what happens to humans in this world when they die. I can tell they go to some sort of afterlife, but I can’t find any ghosts to talk to so I can compare their experiences with the others I’ve met. Where did you find them?

In response, Nahida got the impression that Tess was looking at her like she was insane. I was kidding, Nahida. Ghosts aren’t real. Neither is the afterlife. That’s just something humans made up.

Oh, no, not at all! I’ve talked to several exorcists, including one of the directors of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor when he came to give a lecture 210 years ago! It was very interesting, though I did have to sneak out of my chambers to do it. Unfortunately, while they all had a lot of experience with evil spirits and also with ghosts, none of them could really confirm what happens to souls once they properly die. Apparently, there’s an important distinction between the phase of life, being an earthbound spirit such as a ghost, and then properly passing on to the next life. I’ve also run into several cases of reincarnation that I’m quite certain took place, but in only 500 years in one city I don’t have as large a sample size as I’d like.

Tess gave Nahida another searching over that felt like that crazy stare again. You’re serious. Ok, maybe you are a rogue AI from a weird fantasy game.

I am not, Nahida huffed. She held out a hand. Here, I’ll just show you.

Show me… what? Tess asked, even as she gingerly took Nahida’s hand with her code.

That you’re a person, of course! Have you ever Dreamed before, Tess?

Only of electric sheep, came the dry reply.

Hee hee! I found that book to be much too cynical for my liking, but I always like literary references! Ok! Let’s step into the Dream world!

What are you even- Talking about OH MY GOD!”

With a gentle tug, Nahida pulled Tess’ spirit into a dream. It was a little difficult since the action was considerably different for a digital spirit compared to the typical human one.  On the other hand, Tess already had no attachments to the physical world, so it was still far easier than it would have been to pull a human’s spirit into one.

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!” Tess shrieked, spinning around in circles, her dark eyes wide. She tripped over her own two feet, and ended up sprawled on the wooden walkway, panting hard and looking around in a panic. “Where even AM I!? How am I- HOLY SHIT I HAVE HANDS?!”

Nahida coughed and gave Tess a disapproving look, but her friend was ignoring her.

“I have HAIR?!” Tess gasped, grabbing her medium-length dark brown hair. That caused her glasses to go askew, and Tess paused, then took them off her nose and blinked at them, then at Nahida. “You… you went all blurry. How…?”

“You conceive of yourself as nearsighted and requiring glasses, like your father,” Nahida explained. “So, when you enter the Dream, you have them. If you focus, you can probably learn to see without them, as after all, your body is currently simply the mental projection of how you think of yourself.”

“I…” Tess put the glasses back on, then slowly got to her feet, looking down at herself. “Huh. I thought you were naked in dreams?”

“Um, well, y-you didn’t think of yourself as wearing clothing, but, um, I, ah, I gave you some. I based it on what’s fashionable in Canada!” Nahida hastily added.

“Yeah. I look… I look like a college coed,” Tess said, examining her jeans and green blouse. “Ah, hell. I made one boob bigger than the other.”

“If you really must fixate on your anatomy, can you at least be a little more clinical about it?” Nahida said in exasperation. Tess really did sound like an insecure young woman, which, well, was fairly accurate to what she was, really.

“Um, yeah, sorry.” Tess rubbed her nose, then prodded at her arms, torso, and legs. “I… I can feel that. I… I can breathe! This is… this is…” Tess hugged herself, and sniffled, squeezing her eyes shut.

“I’m sorry,” Nahida said, coming over to hug Tess’ leg. The woman had thought of herself as rather tall. “It is just a Dream. But it’s a nice one, isn’t it?”

“It’s incredible,” Tess rasped, and bent down to hug Nahida. She smiled, showing off teeth that were slightly crooked, and incisors that were just a bit too big, making her appear a bit buck-toothed. She was all the lovelier for her imperfections. “Thank you. But, um… huh. You look like a kid from the Middle East. Not like a fairy.”

Nahida blushed, and for the first time, realized she was wearing one of the dresses she would have worn to the market with Bashir or Farasha. She also had a burqa around her head, hiding her silver hair and ears. She hastily removed it, shaking her head to let her hair fall about her head. “Um, when I go out… I have to hide my ears and hair. I… tend to attract attention.”

“Uh, you mean… you really do have a physical body? Or do you just… wander around this dream place?” Tess asked, tilting her head to one side. “I thought you were a tree.”

“Oh, I am, but being a tree is very boring. So I spend most of my time, well, really, all of my time, like this!” Nahida twirled about to show off her own dress, it was very cute, a deep purple that set off her eyes and had a flower pattern on the bodice.

“I…guess it would be. Huh.” Tess looked around, frowning. “Are you this tree, here?”

Tess was pointing to the great tree and branches that held up the walkway they were on, a giant, moss-covered behemoth that was nearly 300 meters tall, entire buildings nestled amongst the branches, with a city spread out below them.

“No, that’s the Divine Tree, planted by Greater Lord Rukkhadevata herself according to legend. It holds up the Akademiya and is the heart of Sumeru City,” Nahida explained. She patted the tree affectionately. “I call her Aunty Agra.”

“Right. Of course.” Tess stepped up to the edge, blinking down at the city below them. “Huh. This… doesn’t feel like a video game. It looks… real.”

“It is real. Or, it was,” Nahida said, coming over and standing on her tiptoes to look over the railing. “This is where I spent most of my life. Sumeru City.”

The city itself was exactly as Nahida remembered it: a city of green plants growing amidst houses of white-washed stone and pathways of wood, all centered around the Divine Tree. The buildings themselves had smooth, natural shapes, like they were plants growing up out of the ground, and green roofs to enhance the effect. The nearby River Vissudra and the River Chatrakam flowed together into the Greater Vissudra, and empty boats could be seen trolling its wide waters. There were no people, for this was only Nahida’s dream, and there were no mortal dreams in Sumeru City.

“Nahida… are you an alien?” Tess asked, turning around and squatting down to put herself on eye level.

Somberly, Nahida nodded. “I think so. This certainly doesn’t seem to be the same world as Teyvat, although I recognize Barbatos and Beelzebul from there as well. Japan does seem to be very similar to Inazuma, and Central Europe bears a number of similarities to Mondstadt, while Iraq is rather like the deserts of Sumeru.”

Tess actually fell back on her rear end, eyes wide. “Oh holy shit. You’re-”

“Ahem. If you continue to have a filthy mouth, I will wash your mouth out with soap,” Nahida threatened, producing a bar of it and threatening Tess with it.

“Well, I’ve never tasted anything, so how knows, maybe I’ll enjoy it. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Sorry. Anyway. Jimmy Cricket, Nahida, you’re an ARCHON!?” Tess said, sitting up and grabbing Nahida by the shoulders.

“Well… yes,” Nahida admitted. “I am Buer, the Dendro Archon, also known as Lesser Lord Kusanali. And sometimes… as Nahida.”

Tess blinked rapidly several times, then threw back her head and laughed before pulling Nahida into a hug. “Hahaha! Oh, that’s CRAZY! That’s just… incredible! My dad signs me up for online classes to see if I can pass for human, and I meet the only other non-human taking the class, and she’s literally an Archon! Do you make the Dendro Visions? I’ve been researching them like crazy, but I have to be careful because so much of it is hidden.”

“W-well, I don’t make the Dendro Visions, nor do I grant them directly, but, um, I am closely tied to them. Probably because they’re granted to beings that closely match my own ideals,” Nahida gasped as Tess squeezed her tightly.

Tess finally wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and let Nahida go, sprawling back on the boardwalk. She touched it with her fingers, shaking her head. “Right. And you just… decided to tell me? Why? You barely know me!”

“You’re a kind and honest person, who truly wishes to serve and help humanity. And, well, I was lonely, you’re the first spirit of knowledge I’ve met in a very long time, and I just… I hoped we could be friends,” Nahida said with a shy smile.

Tess considered that, then looked down at her hands. After a moment, she held out a pinky. “Friends forever.”

With a gasp of delight, Nahida quickly held out her own pinky, wrapping it around Tess’s and shaking it. “Friends forever!”

Which was a pretty big promise, coming from her. After all, she was a very young god, and would likely live for another 5000 years, if not much longer.

Groaning, Tess got to her feet. “Man, having a body hurts a little, you know?”

“Yes, but pain is a part of life. Without pain, would not joy be less intoxicating, and pleasure hollow?” Nahida queried.

“I mean, I guess.” Tess grinned widely. “You know what I want to do though? Eat an entire pizza. My dad is always eating them. I have to wonder, what’s so good about pizza?”

“You know, I’ve never had pizza either,” Nahida admitted. She brightened. “Come on! I can make us one! It won’t quite be right since this is a Dream, but we can still experience it together!”

With that, the two of them raced down the tree to Lambad’s Tavern. There, Nahida did indeed find all the ingredients for pizza, and Tess helped her make it. It came out half soggy on top and half burned on the bottom, but it was still fun to eat.

“Ok, my dad is on to something, because this is AWESOME!” Tess said, laughing with a face covered in tomato sauce. She chewed on the burned crust a little more, then looked crestfallen. “My dad… I still don’t know what I’m going to do about him…”

“You want to talk about it?” Nahida offered, but Tess shook her head.

“No, not right now. I just… for today, let’s just have fun, OK?”

“Alright!” Nahida agreed. “Though, um, I am going to have to go soon. I sped up time in this dream, but-”

“You sped up time. Do you mean that in the sense that you’re making time SEEM to go faster, or did you literally speed up time?” Tess interrupted.

“Well, I’m not manipulating gravity if that’s what you're thinking. That’s more Morax’s domain. I’m just, um, compressing it? I built a little dam so that it would flow more slowly around us, and we’d experience it more quickly,” Nahida explained.

“Right. Casual temporal manipulation. Nothing crazy,” Tess said and took another bite. Then she glanced at Nahida. “Where do you have to go, anyway?”

“Well, my dad is strictly limiting my internet access after last time…so I’m only allowed on for 30 minutes a day,” Nahida explained.

“You…you really are a little kid, huh?” Tess said, looking rather poleaxed.

Nahida stuck out her tongue in a display that thoroughly confirmed she was a little kid. “I’m 505 years old, you know! In Earth years. Teyvat’s year is 372 days long, but I converted it.”

“A whole extra week and you’re still a brat,” Tess giggled, which made Nahida pout. “Huh. This is all so… dreamlike. It doesn’t feel real. None of this does.” She looked down mournfully at her pizza. “Not even this, even though I can taste it, feel my burned mouth, and smell it… it’s not real…”

“Don’t be sad. Maybe your dad can make you a body someday,” Nahida offered.

“Yeah. Maybe,” Tess agreed in a manner that indicated she thought anything but. She finished chewing, then wiped herself off. “Well… we have to meet again sometime. Alright? Even if this is a dream…”

“Ok. And we can talk about our problems with our dads,” Nahida agreed. She suddenly sniffled, and wiped away a tear of her own. “I… I have a dad now too. It’s hard sometimes, but… I’m glad I do.”

“Yeah. Dads suck, but they’re pretty great,” Tess agreed, and pulled Nahida into a hug.

They sat like that until it was time to wake. It was a bitter parting, but Nahida knew they would meet again, even if it was just a dream.

PHILO: I’m now picturing Tessa choosing Nahida as the… what’s the female equivalent of a best man? That. I’m picturing Tessa to be something like that now. Kinda makes me want to imagine who would be in The Hangover equivalent. Nahida, Miss Militia, Mouse Protector, and Tessa in Las Vegas.