This Goddess Must Be Crazy, Chapter 49 (Patreon)

Kazuma had always hated Teleporting. It made him feel like he’d just had his ears popped and gave him a headache. Teleporting to an insane death world slash final boss location also typically made him feel like he was going to puke. He had Chunchumaru out, one hand in front of Megumin, and every single one of his senses on high alert as they all popped back into reality in-

A peaceful forest glade?

“Uh, weren’t we supposed to be going into a Tomb?” Kazuma asked, looking around in confusion.

“We were,” Tanya confirmed, her eyes narrowing as she looked around. “Visha, did you alter the spell at all?”

“No, but I felt something resisting it,” Visha said, drawing a pistol and pointing it towards the woods. “This has to be a trap.”

“I’m not sensing- HOLY SHIT!” Kazuma gasped as the biggest alarm gong in his entire life rang in his head. On instinct he drew an arrow and fired it in the direction he felt the threat in.

That caused a general barrage, as Iris, Bakugo, Yunyun, and Mei let loose with a barrage of magic, energy blasts, and several missiles. Disgruntled, Kazuma nocked another arrow, then glanced at Megumin, who was holding her staff out and biting her lip. “Just save it. Unless the big ugly skeleton shows up, there’s no point in you going off.”

“B-but inside a dungeon, I cannot properly use my magic…” Megumin pointed out. “And I haven’t gotten to use Explosion yet today…”

“And I’m not carrying you through a dungeon run, so let’s just save it. Anyway, you can all stop now. I said STOP!” Kazuma shouted.

Everyone slowly let their fire trail off, and Bakugo frowned, peering into the dust and smoke. “Did we get ‘em?”

“No, jackass,” Kazuma snapped. “Haven’t you ever seen an action movie? If you just unload into the distance and kick up a bunch of smoke like that, the bad guy just walks back out! I can still sense whatever it is, you didn’t even manage to piss it off!”

“I-I can still see them,” Yunyun agreed. “Um, which of the bad guys has a red suit and sunglasses?”

“Red suit?” Tanya asked, her own eyes peering into the haze. “No. Not…The King in Red…”

“Why Miss Degurechaff, is that any way to greet an old friend?” a rich tenor voice said with a hearty chuckle.

“Stand back!” Darkness barked, putting herself at the front and drawing her sword. “Whatever it is, I shall face it head on!”

“That’s the Devil himself, you fool!” Tanya snarled. “The King In Red!”

“You didn’t tell us that Satan was one of Ainz’s misfit minions!” Kazuma hissed, trying to aim his arrow at where his Sense Foe was telling him the danger was.

“A minion? My dear boy, I’m quite afraid you have the wrong idea.” Out of the smoke, a pair of glowing orange dots appeared, and Kazuma let loose, only to groan when the haze lifted just in time for a man in orange glasses to appear. He grinned, even as weapons were leveled at him. “My, my. So, this is how guests from the Shonen and Comedy Division behave? What a rude little bunch of children.”

“Hey, hold on,” Eris said, stepping forward. “Aqua, can you sense that?”

“This guy isn’t a demon,” Aqua agreed, stepping forward alongside the junior goddess. “He’s a god. Are you here to stop Ainz too?”

“What? A god? Are you mad?” Tanya demanded, pointing at the man. “He’s not Being X!”

“Indeed, I am not,” the man bowed, grinning and showing a pair of fangs that made Kazuma flinch. “It seems introductions are in order. I am Alucard, of the Horror Division.”

“He’s not a god,” Kazuma said with a heavy sigh. “He’s obviously a vampire. Probably a Dracula knock off or some-”

In a flash, Alucard was right in front of Kazuma, his sunglasses lowered so Kazuma could see into his dark red eyes. “Oh, I assure you: I am no knock off. But I’m impressed. How did you know who I was?”

“It’s literally your name backwards,” Kazuma hissed, taking a step back as he saw more death and horror in those eyes than even he could stomach. “Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

“Interesting.” Alucard leaned back, tilting his head back and smiling again to show his fangs. “Still, this is a most unwelcome intrusion into my domain. Still, I suppose one must be fair. Ainz is of my Division, and he has caused a bit of drama among the Comedy worlds. As such, I will not protest if the Comedy Division wishes to take him to task for it. But if Shonen steps in… well. That I must protest most thoroughly.”

“How about you protest my boot up your ass!” Bakugo snarled, and swung his axe at Alucard.

Whether he was a god or a vampire, Alucard was apparently not one to be taken lightly. He stopped the axe blade with a boot, then kicked out, sending out a shockwave that knocked Bakugo off his feet, along with most of the group.

“And assault upon the Head of Horror by a Shonen hero. Well. I’ve gotten what I wanted. Do have fun. It would amuse me if Ainz was finally taken down by a group of action heroes and comedy sidekicks. But then again, it would be all too apropos for this to be the place for a joke to come die, and the children playing at heroes to utterly fail. Farewell, Tanya. I always knew you had it in you to bring about Ragnarok.”

Before anyone could even pick themselves up, Alucard vanished in a swirl of batwings, and was gone.

“Uh, Aqua, Tanya, what was that?” Izuku asked, looking baffled at the entire thing.

“Nothing good,” Tanya growled. “A god, he calls himself, but I thought… he is the one…” She shook her head. “Never mind. We must figure out where we are, and where Nazarick is, and quickly. I am certain the battle has already begun for your homeworld.”

“Well, scrambling about isn’t gonna help us,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head. “Hey Izuku, can you poke your head above the trees here and get a look around?”

“Sure,” Izuku agreed, hurrying to the nearest tree that hadn’t been absolutely flattened by the barrage. He was up atop it with a single jump, peering around from about ten meters up.

“I will scout as well. Come, Bakugo. We must see if that supposed God of Horror is around yet,” Iris ordered, and she and Bakugo took off towards the edge of the devastated area.

“Don’t go too far! If this is a horror manga, you always get killed when you split up!” Kazuma called.

“So, that Alucard is a vampire? The next time I see him, I shall smite him with Explosion!” Megumin vowed.

“Eh, he didn’t feel like a vampire, or at least, not really?” Aqua said with a shrug. “I dunno, what do you think, Eris?”

“He reminded me of Wolbach, or Regina. A Dark God,” Eris said with a shiver. “He was clearly powerful, and dangerous. And I’m not really sure what he wanted… he seemed happy we were here, but at the same time, incredibly evil.”

“He is the one who helped me kill Being X, the one who made me into the Godslayer,” Tanya said with a frown. “I do not understand what his scheme is, but we should be cautious.”

“Well, I mean, he’s literally Dracula, or a knock off anyway,” Kazuma said, shivering slightly. “We’ll just get some wooden stakes and holy water and be fine.”

“Hmph. Explosion Magic is superior to wooden stakes and water,” Megumin grumbled, puffing out her cheeks in a pout.

“You know, for once, I think it probably wouldn’t even count as overkill. You see him, you let it rip,” Kazuma said, putting an arm around Megumin and making her blush.

“I can’t see anything,” Izkuku said, dropping back down. “Mei, come take a look, you’ve got the best eyes here.”

After only a few moments up in the tree, Mei called out, “I see something! It looks like a camp, or village. Huh, there’s a sign that says ‘Happy Farm’ on it, but-”

“Verdammter Scheiß,” Tanya sighed, putting a hand on her face. “That’s a hundred kilometers from Nazarick.”

“Happy Farm?” Kazuma asked, frowning and turning to Tanya, but it was Visha who answered.

“Demiurge’s idea of a joke. He named the Prisoner of War camp that,” Visha explained. “It’s where we sent captured enemies or populations, especially the humans.”

“But… eating humans is legal on Nazerick’s worlds,” Mina pointed out, frowning at Tanya. “Why would you keep the prisoners?”

“I…” Tanya blinked. “Well, according to the rules of war, if someone does properly surrender, they have to be treated with…”

“Actually, um, I… always wondered about that,” Visha said, looking sick. “I hadn’t heard about the eating humans being legal thing, but considering some of the comments the men would make from time to time…”

“That is, I…” Tany gasped and put a hand to her heat. “Mein gott… what have I… Visha! On me!”

“Wait, what are you doing?!” Kazuma demanded, as Visha and Tanya suddenly lifted up into the sky, then zipped off in the direction that Mei had indicated she’d seen the camp.

“Dammit! I knew she’d betray us,” Uraraka growled. “Come on, we have to go after them!”

“Hold on, I’ve got a better plan,” Kazuma said. “Yunyun! Could you teleport us to that camp?”

“Um, i-if I could see it while we were all holding hands, um, yes?” Yunyun stammered.

“Right. Uraraka, float us up in the air, then you teleport us to the camp,” Kazuma said. “I don’t like the sounds of this place, but if it’s a farm for a place that eats people…”

“Then it won’t still be around when we're done with it,” Kirishima agreed, holding out his hand and grabbing Mina’s.

A minute later, Uraraka floated them up into the sky, and Yunyun took a moment to locate the camp. Gritting his teeth again, Kazuma wished he’d taken some Dramamine before they’d set off, then felt that stomach wrenching feeling again.

Thankfully, no one puked from the Teleport when they arrived at the Happy Farm, spreading out quickly. There were various mid-tier monsters, including several oni, some demons, and a large number of goblins, along with Kazuma’s greatest nemesis: low level kobolds.

“HOW’S THAT TASTE, HUH!?” Kazuma demanded, taking a perverse delight in putting an arrow through yet another kobald’s eye. He was ignoring the bigger, tougher monsters, but with Izuku and Iris along that wasn’t really a problem.

“I don’t get it, these are just some low level mobs. Where are these supposed prisoners?” Megumin demanded, laying out a kobald with a strike from her staff. Though she didn’t look it, being a level 82 Archwizard meant that Megumin was strong enough to beat up low level monsters (and people) with ease.

Just then, there was a horrified scream from Mei, and everyone turned from their fight as Mei stumbled back from a large warehouse-like building. She fell over into a bush, and began vomiting.

“Shit! What is it, poison?!” Kazuma demanded, running over. He didn’t get there as fast as Izuku, who stormed into the building with a vengeance, after whatever had hurt his lover.

However, when Kazuma got there, he found Izuku on his knees, gaping in horror. One look around told Kazuma why. “Oh. Fuck.”

“It is a slaughterhouse,” Tanya said, stepping out of the shadows and tossing aside the head of a horned demon. “I have already killed the ones in here.”

Kazuma let loose with every swear word he knew, turning aside and vomiting onto the floor. “M-Megumin, don’t…don’t come in here.”

“This…this is what Ainz does?” Izuku whispered, looking around at the corpses.

The building looked like a slaughteryard, with meathooks holding carcasses on it. It would have been bad enough if they’d been pigs or cows. But no. They were humans. All of them. Stripped and dressed like they were meat being processed to be shipped to market. Which is what they were.

“There are none left alive in here,” Tanya said grimly, pointing to the door. “Leave.”

“Why!? We, we can’t just LEAVE them like that!” Kazuma protested.

“And we shall not. But I would prefer not to light their funeral pyre while you are still inside,” Tanya stated flatly.

They stumbled out of the building, Tanya pausing to stop and remove her hat, looking around for a moment. Then she channeled a fire spell, and a blaze began. The building was mostly wooden, and the fire quickly spread.

As she stepped out, Tanya put her cap back on her head, then drew her pistol, glancing to Izuku and Kazuma. “No prisoners. Here.”

She handed Kazuma her gun, which caused him to blink in surprise. “Uh, I know how to use this I guess, but what’s it for?”

“When this is over, I want you to kill me,” Tanya said grimly. “I have violated every law of war there is. I knew I had erred when Aqua returned my memories, but this? I should have known. And yet, I deluded myself for decades. Perhaps centuries.”

“Yeah, no,” Kazuma said, and shoved the gun back towards Tanya.

“Why not!?” Tanya hissed, her eyes burning with madness. “I did this! I did all of this! There can be no justification, no thin veneer of lies I can tell myself now!”

“Because fuck you, that’s why. You don’t get to take the easy way out. You wanna die? Shit, I wanna kill you, you little horror. But no. You get to live with this. Spend your life making up for it, or something. But no easy way out. Not for you.”

Tanya took the gun back, then looked down at it. “I…” She took a deep breath, then snapped off a crisp salute. “Very well. Tell me what to do, Commander.”

“Ugh. Izuku, tell short, blonde, and psycho what to do, I got shit to figure out,” Kazuma said, stomping away to where Megumin was rubbing Mei’s back as the other girl cried.

“Hey,” Kazuma said, flopping on the ground beside her. “So. That was pretty fucked up.”

“Indeed,” Megumin agreed, her tone grim. “If I was not already fully committed to killing every last one of these monsters…”

“Yeah,” Kazuma said with a sigh. He looked around and made a face. “Shit. This place is worse than anything Unit 731 did. Or I hope so, anyway.”

“I do not know what that is, and I do not wish to know,” Megumin stated flatly.

“U-Unit 731 was a Japanese army unit that researched c-chemical, biological, a-and conventional weapons using…using…” Mei dry heaved a bit, and Kazuma used Create Water to form a fountain, which Mei gratefully used to rinse her mouth out. She sat quietly for a moment, then stood up. “I am going to kill every monster I see now. It won’t make me feel better, but right now, I don’t care.”

“Indeed. Normally, I do not find simply beating monsters to death satisfying. I believe today, I shall make an exception,” Megumin growled.

Unfortunately, the butcher’s yard wasn’t the worst thing they found or burned in the next few hours. Apparently, they had been doing a full Unit 731, as well as harvesting ‘parchment’. They did find a few hundred human survivors, which made them feel a little better, but Kazuma felt like he was liberating a German concentration camp or something. The people weren’t malnourished for the most part: if anything, they were fattened and in good health, all of them young adults.

The worst part was, they had all known full well what was going to happen to them.

“I was a free range human,” one young man about Kazuma’s age said, looking at the burning pyre of the buildings, his expression vacant. “One of the lucky ones. They let you live in a village. The Demons give you food, but they tag you. I was a boy, so I knew it wasn’t likely I’d get to live a long life. They let some boys stay to be breeding stock, but more girls. So when I turned 20…I knew that was it. And it was. They came for the summer harvest, and I got picked. I didn’t try to run. I’ve seen what they do when you run. So they loaded us onto the train car, and…brought us here. Somehow, I was one of the last ones off the car. I kept hoping something would happen, looked for a way out, but…”

He swallowed, then turned to Kazuma, tears in his eyes. “Thank you. I don’t know how much longer I have to live, but… thank you.”

“As long as you need. We’re going to find Nazarick, and burn it to the ground too,” Kazuma promised.

The boy blinked at him, then looked at the other humans in the group. He shrugged. “Most of my friends were already processed. I guess… I guess I’ll just live another day. After that… who knows.”

Just then, Uraraka came up, tapping Kazuma on the shoulder. “We’re leaving. Come on.”

Kazuma followed after her, to where the rest of the group had gathered. Tanya had pulled out a map, laying it out on a crate. “Based on this, we’re 78 kilometers to the northwest of Nazarick. It won’t take us any time at all to get there. But Ainz knows we’re coming now. There’s no possible way he doesn’t. It was a tactical mistake to attack this location, as it has no strategic significance, but-”

“But fuck that noise, this place needed to be burned to the ground,” Bakugo growled, and everyone nodded.

“They are certain to have defenses set up now,” Iris said, folding her arms as she regarded the map. “It will be a difficult fight. We are all strong, but there are only seventeen of us. Fighting entire armies, especially with foes as strong as Demiurge mixed in, will result in casualties. And we are on a clock. The Invasion of your homeworld has already begun.”

“Yeah, not a great…” Kazuma trailed off, then leaned over the map. He muttered to himself, tracing topographical lines. “Hey…this place just a couple kilometers north of Nazarick…it’s all uphill, right?”

Tanya glanced at the map, and nodded. “Nazarick is in a small valley, so yes.”

“Hmmm,” Kazuma rubbed his chin, tapping the lake that was south of Nazarick. He turned to look at Aqua, appraising her. Her eyes were red and puffy from her crying, but she’d been cheering up the survivors with party tricks. So useless.

“What?” She mumbled, giving Kazuma a hopeful look. “Do you have a plan?”

“Well, it’s just, do you remember when we fought Beldia?” Kazuma asked.

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Aqua said, frowning at him. “Why?”

“Well, you’re the goddess of water, right?” Kazuma asked.

“Yeah…” Aqua said.

Iris suddenly chortled, and Tanya looked thoughtful. “Oh, brother dear, I do like the way you think.”

“Yeah,” Kazuma said, a wide grin on his face. “Let’s make a splash.”

Looking out across Tokyo, All For One would have smiled if he’d still been capable of it. As it was, he’d lost all his skin, and that made smiling very hard, since the bare bones of his body were now exposed to the elements. Still, he felt a deep coldness where his heart should have been, a pulsing sense of malice. He turned to Shiguraki, whose tail was swishing back and forth like a cat’s.

“Well, young Tomura, are our forces prepared?”

“We’ve got more than enough low level mobs to throw at them now, and every single last Nomu that the good doctor was preparing,” Tomura said, his cracked lips parting to bare fangs as they looked down at the city.

“Very good.” Raising a skeletal hand, All For One waved absently at the city below. “Then let the festivities commence.”

A high pitched giggle escaped from Tomura, and then he vanished in a puff of smoke that likely would have smelled sulfurous if All For One had still had olfactory organs.

He held up his hand, regarding it for a moment. By all logic, it should no longer have functioned. It was nothing but bone, with a few dry and withered ligaments holding things together. A few rings sparkled on All For One’s fingers, a gift from his temporary “master.”

Ah yes, Ainz Ooal Gown. One day, All For One would…thank…that despicable being for turning him into this monstrosity. But, he’d simply absorb a few Quirks that would let him regenerate a proper body, or steal one with some other Quirks he had, and that would be that. Being a Lich had its uses, but it was terribly uncomfortable.

Still, for now, he turned towards Tokyo. He closed his eyes, which were now nothing but icy blue orbs, and waited.

Then, the symphony began. Faint at first, almost drowned out by the winds from the height atop the skyscraper he was standing on, but then came more, and the sirens.

He opened his eyes to watch as the fighting broke out, pondering for a moment how that worked. No matter. Using one of the many delightful spells he had gained, All For One drew out a glass orb from his suit pocket, and held it up, allowing him to see what was happening as though on an HD television screen. A very practical ability, that one.

“So this is where you are. Are you not going to fight at all? I guess you are a new lich, not at all like Lord Ainz.”

Turning, All For One saw one of the little devil children. It was the boy dressed as a girl. What was his name? Ah, Mare.

“Young master Mare. How many battles have you fought in, I wonder?” All For One pondered, looking down as smoke began to rise. A couple of heroes had appeared on the scene, but All For One didn’t recognize them, and their quirks were ordinary and boring. Not worth his appearance.

“Oh, you know, a few. I’m really not all that young, you know,” the child muttered, kicking his feet.

“Be that as it may, you will, perhaps, have picked up an idea of how battles are usually fought, have you not?” All For One said, watching as one of the Nomu picked up a small time hero to tear them in half.

“Well, yes. Usually, I stay to the sidelines myself and cast support magic, but, well, I can fight too, you know,” Mare half whined.

Before the Nomu could finish the job, a lance of flame took it in the chest, and the nomu dropped the fortunate hero. All For One grinned. At last.

“Then you should know: you don’t move your best pieces onto the board until an opportunity presents itself.” He pocketed the sphere, and held out a hand. “As it happens, one just has. Phase Door.”

Before him, a crack in reality opened up, showing an alleyway near to the fighting. He gestured to it. “Shall we?”

“A-after you,” Mare stammered, and All For One shrugged, and stepped through into the chaos of the fight.

Shiguraki was leading a cohort of nomu and those Death Knights, along with a few members of the League of Villains. They had been doing quite well, until the Number 2 Hero and his sidekicks had taken the field. Now Endeavor and his Agency were taking out the nomu, and even with his new powers, Tomura was hard-pressed.

“Take out these beasts!” Endeavor bellowed, throwing a flame lance that incinerated even a death knight, turning the bones to ash. “Drive them back, quickly! There’s more attacks throughout the city! Let them feel the flames of our passion!”

“HAHAHA, YOU GOT IT BOSS!” one of the sidekicks, a female with green flames, cackled as she helped a mother and child to safety.

All For One gestured towards them, sending out a rain of razor sharp bone shards. The sidekick sensed the danger, shoving the civilians to the ground.

“Shit! Some serious baddies here!” the woman cackled, incinerating the bone shards with a spray of green flames. “Well, I’m Burnin! One of the Flaming Sidekickers, and I-”

“Siphon LIfe,” All For One hissed, and reached out, grasping the girl’s lifeforce, and yanking it out of her body a bit at a time.

She screamed, then shot out more flames. “FUCKIN’ RUN, YOU TWO!”

The mother and child got up and ran, but All For One didn’t care, they weren’t who he was here for. In fact, he wasn’t even here for this pathetic child either. She was just bait.

A massive fireball raced towards All For One, and he punched at the air, sending out a shockwave that disrupted the attack, though flames bloomed around him.

“Ah! Water Splash!” Mare cried, and the flames about them were extinguished, though All For One paid no head.

“Get the civilians to safety, Burnin,” Endeavor growled, striding forward, his flames roaring hot enough that if All For One had still possessed an epidermis, he probably would have gotten first degree burns.

“B-boss, I can still fight, I-”

“MOVE!” Endeavor roared, and the girl stumbled away. All For One cancled his Siphon Life spell, it having achieved its purpose.

“Enji Todoroki. The Number Two hero,” All For One drawled. “I never did fight you. You were never really worth the time.”

“Oh? Well, I obviously never fought you, as you’re still alive,” Endeavor growled, his flames roaring hot about him.

All For One chuckled. “My dear man. You could not be more mistaken.”

“I obviously am. After all, I’m talking to a dead man,” Endeavor growled. “HELL’S CURTAINS!”

“Wall of Frost,” All For One said, and his spell blocked enough of the attack that his clothes were only slightly signed. Interesting. He’d even bothered to put elemental resistance spells on them. It seems Endeavor's flames were something special after all.

“How excellent,” All For One hissed, and strode forward. What a delightful start to his evening.