Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 20 (Patreon)

Commissioned by Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

The ice moon of Alcanrettia shone brighter than any heavenly body Kazuma had ever seen before, except perhaps for a naked Darkness. At first, Kazuma marveled at the pristine natural beauty of the moon, but much like Darkness, once you got closer to it and got to know Alcanretia better it lost its luster. And also seemed a lot more fun.

“So, this place is pretty boring, I assume?” Kazuma said, sidling up to Yunyun.

She eyed him out of the corner of her eye, but kept facing the display. “Um, y-you haven’t been to Alcanrettia before, h-have you?”

“Nah. We were new to the system before you guys kidnapped us and stole our ship,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

“Oh. Um, yeah. S-sorry,” Yunyun muttered, still eyeing Kazuma sideways.

Shit. Hadn’t he been supposed to apologize to her? He glazed at Chris, who was rolling her eyes at him. Yeah, he should probably do that.

“Eh, it’s fine. That’s how I met Megumin. We’re, uh, together now, and stuff.”

Yunyun bit her lip and jerked a hasty nod, her eyes glistening.

“So, uh, sorry if you thought I was hitting on you. I think Megumin’s cuter,” Kazuma said.

“I know!” Yunyun wailed, and ran off the bridge, leaving Kazuma standing there awkwardly.

“Smooth,” Chris told him, coming beside him, looking torn between amusement and chastisement. “I can see how you have so many ladies lining up to fuse with you.”

“Hey, you’re sleeping with me too!” Kazuma shot back, then sighed. “But I guess I sort of blew it there…”

“Next time you're apologizing to a girl, don’t compare her to another one. And don’t try again just yet. Just tell her you’re an idiot and you didn’t mean to fuse with her,” Chris told Kazuma.

“Yeah, I guess, I- hold up, is that a giant neon sign?”

Kazuma pointed out the viewport as an absolutely enormous and incredibly tacky neon sign came into view. It had a sort of animated picture of a woman wearing stockings and a jacket kicking her leg up and down, one section of the sign lightning up at a time to give the illusion of motion. The words on the sign read “ICE COLD WATER, HOT BABES, VACANCY, NEXT STOP.”

For a long moment Kazuma and Chris just stared out the window, their mouths hanging open slightly as the neon lights blinked at them. At last, Kazuma shook his head. “Did…did you see that?”

“I, uh…yeah. That’s the first time I’ve seen a tacky truckstop sign in outer space,” Chris admitted. “How’d they even get it into position for us to even see it? I mean, the odds of us just happening to fly by it have to be astronomical…huh…there’s another one…”

They watched as another large sign floated into view. This one had an animated skier jumping off a slope and flashed “ICE COLD BEER 24/7” to the world at large.

“OK, wouldn’t it be cheaper and easier to like…have a drone with a hologram or something?” Kazuma asked.

“Yeah…I guess? It’s kinda odd,” Chris agreed.

When the third sign appeared, this one advertising the “Arcanretia Adult Video Store” Kazuma had several questions. The most important one of which was-

“We should check it out,” Chris mused, answering Kazuma’s most urgent inquiry. “I wonder if they have any interesting toys for sale.”

“Toys?” Kazuma asked, his heart skipping a beat.

Chris patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I won’t hesitate to corrupt all of you. Well, myself too. I had to stay uncorrupted for millennia and it got really old. I’m ready to cut loose!”

“That still doesn’t explain how they got these giant tacky signs into space,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head.

Chris opened her mouth, shut it, then shrugged. “Some things are best left unanswered.”

As they got closer to the planet, Kazuma saw that most of the surface was endless snowfields, with only a thin band of green near the equator. Slowly, Kazuma was able to pick out the settlement they were headed for. It didn’t look all that large, though Kazuma did use the instruments to scan the place. An informational bubble popped up, and Kazuma almost tapped it.

‘N-no! Don’t!” Yunyun wailed, rushing back onto the bridge.

“Huh? Why not?” Kazuma asked, hesitating for a moment. Then he took a second look at what it said. “SUCCUBUS CAFE LIVE NUDE GIRLS.” He frantically began to click on it before Yunyun could stop him.

Instantly every screen was filled with lewd images of girls dancing on a stage in scanty outfits. At least, that’s what Kazuma thought it was. The images were all so incredibly pixelated that it was sort of hard to tell exactly what they were. He couldn’t really pay too close attention though, as every speaker in the ship began to blare at once.

“500 CREDIT BEER DURING HAPPY HOUR AT THE ALCANRETTIA BAR!”

“SEXY GIRLS AND LAPS DANCES FROM ONLY 2000 CREDITS EACH!”

“THE SLOPES ARE ICY BUT THE SKIING IS HOT, RENT YOUR SKIS FROM ZESTA’S SKI SHOP!”

“HOT POT MEALS AND SPICY CURRY AT CECILY’S BAR AND GRILL FROM ONLY 1000 CREDITS!”

It was all jumbled together and garbled as the blurry ads flashed and blared.

“Why d-did you DO that?!” Yunyun wailed, and shoved Kazuma out of the way. “It’s going to-”

Suddenly, the ads stopped playing. No more nightmarishly blaring sales pitches, no more pixelated videos. Unfortunately, that was because the power cut out.

“-overload the system. O-oh no…B-brace for impact!” Yunyun shouted, buckling herself into her seat.

“Seriously!? One spam ad crashes your whole system!? Who built this ship!?” Kazuma demanded as he desperately buckled in.

“You know who,” Chris told him. “And what kind of idiot clicks on links like that?! You had to know it was going to put a virus on our ship!”

“The only reason I did it first is because you were too slow,” Kazuma told Chris.

She blushed. “S-shut up! I’m smarter than that! I know a bad link when I-”

Their argument was interrupted by the Axis Queen slapping into the side of a mountain. Fortunately, the mountain was covered in a thick layer of snow and ice, and impacted at an oblique angle. The ship skipped off, then plowed into another slope. It began to slide down, across a glacier, then up another cliff and off it, before landing belly down in another snowy plain and skidding across it. The Axis Queen finally came to a shuddering halt.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Kazuma said, looking around. “How’s the damage?”

“Quick!” Yunyun cried, unbuckling and flinging herself towards the door. “W-we have to act fast before they try to board!”

“They?” Kazuma said, but Chris was already pounding after Yunyun. He sighed and hurried after her, muttering under his breath that a man could only be expected to fight for his life so many times per day.

He rounded the corner and slammed right into someone coming the other way, sending both of them tumbling to the ground. Kazuma ended up on top, and when he realized where he was, he found he was laying head down on a strange woman’s breasts. He blinked and looked up, and found a wide eyed blonde woman he hadn’t seen before. She was wearing cold weather gear, and there was a bit of snow on it as if she’d already been outside to check on what was happening.

“If you’re expecting an apology, I’m not going to give you one,” Kazuma said, levering himself up and glaring down at the woman. “And if you think you can slap me around just because I tripped onto you and accidentally got a face full, I’ll have you know that I believe in True Gender Equality, and I’ll slap you right back!”

“Uh, that’s OK, I wasn’t going to slap you anyway,” the woman promised, hastily scrambling to her own feet and brushing herself off.

“Good, come on, we’re supposed to check the airlocks or something, and you look readier to go outside than I am in just a jumpsuit,” Kazuma ordered, grabbing the woman’s arm and dragging her along. Despite the fact that it was fairly warm in the ship, she hastily raised her hood and followed along after him.

“So, are there a lot of cute girls on this ship?” the stranger asked somewhat breathlessly.

“What? I mean, yeah, I guess, but no poaching one of mine,” Kazuma snapped, and came to a stop as Megumin and Darkness spilled out into the corridor. They were both dressed in heavy winter clothes as well, with Megumin wearing an adorable white poncho with little pointed ears and a cat face on the top, while Darkness was wearing a thick sweater that showed off her puppies along with leggings.

“Like those two. Mine, no touching,” Kazuma told the woman.

“It’s more like you belong to us, so get your hands off of Kazuma you blonde homewrecker,” Megumin growled, stalking over. Kazuma hastily dropped the woman’s arm, though Megumin’s ire didn’t lessen.

“Don’t worry, you’re more in my strike zone than he is!” the woman said cheerfully, pushing past Kazuma and grinning down at Megumin. “You don’t happen to need an ID to get into bars, do you, sweetie?”

“I am 18 years old, thank you very much! Which is the legal drinking age of reasonable countries everywhere,” Megumin snapped, standing on her tiptoes to glare up at the woman.

“Megumin is with me,” Darkness said, inserting herself between the two of them.

“Hmm, you are tall, blonde, and gorgeous, but you’re not really my type,” the other woman said, then produced a business card. “But I do have coupons to a variety of stores that might interest you!”

“I have no- '' Darkness began, but then the business card unfolded down, showing off a variety of advertisements for a number of questionable businesses, and Darkness’ jaw dropped. A bit of drool started to leak out of her mouth, and she trembled slightly.

Kazuma leaned over, saw just what was on the cards, and his own eyes lit up. “We’ll take two!”

“We do not need this ‘XXX Toys!’ Why are you both falling for this obvious trap?” Megumin demanded. “We should- is that a Vulcan III kinetic fusion cannon?”

“Yep! Sold only at the Maximally Effective Mercenary Emporium! Sign up now for my platinum level membership program and you can get a buy two get one free deal!” the woman promised.

Darkness, Kazuma, and Megumin were all filling out the application forms (using Darkness’ credit information as Kazuma and Megumin were both essentially destitute without their sugar momma) when Chris and Yunyun found them.

“We’ve sealed all the hatches, I don’t think anyone got in,” Chris was saying, then she paused. “What are you three doing?”

“They have a full line of whips and chains!” Darkness told her eagerly, holding up one of the coupon books.

“Full Dive VR, Chris! They have a Full Dive VR parlor with whatever experience you want! Not just the porn stuff, you can actually go into SAO and explain to Kiaba Akihiko what a stupid ass design for his game he used!” Kazuma said excitedly.

“I have been needing new materials to further upgrade the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and they have both brand new kinetic fusion reactors and a Polarity Reverser!” Megumin babbled, pointing to a picture of several experimental prototypes that the coupon book purported to offer deals on.

“W-we should be secure,” Yunyun said, coming around the corner. “We- INTRUDER! SEIZE HER IMMEDIATELY!’

“Whoops! Gotta go kids!” the woman said, and dashed off with a whoop and Chris and Yunyun tore after her. “Look me up later, just ask for Sister Cecily and someone will hook you up!”

“W-wait! Does that mean I can’t buy…” Darkness trailed off as Cecily vanished down a side corridor.

Chris and Yunyun chased after the fleeing woman, though Chris did pause and turn to give the other three an “I’m Watching You” gesture before disappearing herself.

“Wow, THAT’S what you’re into?” Kazuma asked, peering at the coupons Darkness had pulled out for herself.

She blushed and tried to hide it, but Megumin grabbed it first and examined it. “Hmm. If you promise to purchase my shopping list, I will consent to use this with you.”

“R-really?” Darkness asked, brightening at the prospect.

Megumin nodded. “When I said I would do anything to perfect the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, I meant it.” Darkness looked slightly crestfallen, but still eager. Then Megumin added, “Besides, simply slapping you would get boring. This should be much more interesting.”

Darkness vowed on the spot to purchase the entire weapons emporium for Megumin. Kazuma wondered what he could get if he tried some traditional Japanese rope play he’d heard about on her.

Fortunately for Cecily, she managed to escape before Chris and Yunyun found her. They weren’t able to figure out how she’d gotten onto the Axis Queen in the first place, but it turned out the ship had crashed not too far from Alchantrettia. The town, not the moon, because apparently, some people weren’t really creative when it came to names. This was fortunate, as Aqua was hopping mad and in need of supplies.

“Look what you did to my precious baby!” Aqua shouted as she pressed Kazuma’s face onto the cold metal of the ship near the damage. “Look at it, Kazuma! First the Crimson Pirate Clan defaced it with their stupid red paint job, and now you clicked on a pop up ad and ran us right into the moon! Don’t you have enough girlfriends to keep you busy now!?”

“It was an honest mistake, I promise!” Kazuma pleaded. “I won’t do it again!” Mostly because the good stuff had been so blurry he hadn’t really been able to tell what he was looking at.

“Hmph. You’d better not,” Aqua said, and let Kazuma go.

However, when Kazuma tried to stand up, he found his face was now stuck to the icy metal. “Ahhhh! You useless goddess! You know what happens when you touch bare skin to cold metal?! Quick, you have to pour hot water on me!”

“What? Why would I do that?!” Aqua tried to peel Kazuma off, only for him to scream and flail his arms. ‘AHHHHH! CHRIS, CHRIS HELP, KAZUMA’S STUCK!”

The other three girls came over and inspected Kazuma’s predicament. Megumin prodded him, and Kazuma groaned. “Well, I know one reliable way to get hot water to free him.”

“What?! No! Darkness might have that fetish, but I don’t! And that’s for jellyfish stings, not getting your face stuck to metal in a blizzard!” Kazuma protested.

“Would my face get stuck if I put it on the metal?” Darkness asked curiously. “Does it hurt? I have not been stung by a jellyfish either, but that does sound interesting…”

“I was just going to make tea, but now I think you’re all talking about something gross and perverted again,” Megumin grumbled.

Chris pulled out a thermos and poured it on Kazuma’s cheeks, causing him to yip in pain and jerk back as hot coffee almost burned his skin. “There you go. Stop being a big baby, it’s better than frostbite.”

“Could you pour some on me?” Darkness asked, glancing at the icy metal.

Chris took a sip from her thermos. “I’m not wasting good coffee on you like that. You can get your jollies later, Darkness. Right now we have a slight problem. What do you all know about Arcanretia?”

“It’s cold,” Kazuma answered immediately, rubbing at his face and glaring at Aqua.

“It has weapons!” Megumin responded, her eyes glowing slightly.

“T-they have a number of, um, interesting business establishments,” Darkness said. “And are our source of fresh water for our warships in this planetary system.”

“I like snow cones!” Aqua added, which didn’t really have anything to do with the subject at hand. “And making snowmen!”

“Well, you’re all right, but you miss the point. Arcanretia’s main function is that it’s basically a giant refueling port in space. Most of the ships that stop here are water haulers. And, well, big ports sort of have a reputation…”

“They have good beaches?” Aqua guessed. She looked around. “I don’t know if I want to wear a swimsuit though, it’s kinda cold for my bikini.”

Everyone took a moment to stare at Aqua, who blinked at them happily.

“...anyway, I was going to make a joke about ports being full of seamen, but I think the moment has passed,” Kazuma sighed.

Chris patted him on the shoulder. “That’s OK, Kazuma. I’m sure there’ll be time to get all those salty seamen of yours to set sail later.”

“I don’t get it,” Darkness whispered to Megumin. “There’s no oceans here, why would there be seamen? And this is freshwater, not salt.”

“Are you really so sheltered? Think about it for a moment. I will have you know, I was the first one to help them board, thus winning the race,” Megumin said smugly.

Darkness mouthed “seamen” a few times, then suddenly blushed. “Oh! I, uh, I am also very interested in Kazuma’s-”

“Horny later, problem now,” Chris urged. “Look, Arcanretia is a wretched hive.”

“Of scum and villainy?” Kazuma guessed, then slapped Chris’ raised palm.

“Yes! Anyway, more importantly, this is the grifter capital of the entire solar system. Just about everything here is designed to separate gullible idiots from their hard-earned wages. And since most of the people who visit here are bored and lonely seamen- yes, Darkness, both kinds -a lot of those businesses are of the less than savory sort.”

“So, you mean there’s a lot of illegal weapons labs here,” Megumin said, rubbing her palms together. It might have been for warmth, but Kazuma suspected it had more to do with some morally ambiguous scheming.

“A-and the other things? Are those illegal too?” Darkness asked, looking slightly crestfallen at the thought.

“Nope. Totally legal,” Kazuma assured her.

“Perverts,” Megumin muttered.

Chris patted her on the cheek. “Don’t worry Megs, I’ll play with you with some of them too.”

“I-I never said-” Megumin stammered, but trailed off into mutterings and blushes.

“Anyway, aside from you idiots falling prey to various scams, we have to make sure that the locals don’t try to cut off bits of the ship and cart it off. Don’t sign ANYTHING, and definitely don’t let yourself be taken anywhere or you’ll end up mugged and naked in a back alley somewhere. Darkness, stop panting. We’ll pretend to mug you later.”

Darkness tried to look contrite, but she mostly just looked very excited at the prospect of being robbed.

“So, what? We have to stay cooped up in the ship until we get it fixed? And what about Hans?” Kazuma demanded.

“Clearly, we should search these weapons labs for upgrades to the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon!” Megumin declared. “There is no problem that cannot be solved with a sufficiently large Explosion!”

“Actually, that’s pretty much the plan,” Chris agreed. “So go get your ‘cat’ and we’ll see what we can scrounge up.”

Kazuma went with Megumin and changed into his warm clothes, which basically amounted to putting on a sweater and sweatpants over his jumpsuit. Megumin shook her head and sighed. “I guess we’ll need to buy you a new wardrobe too. While a practical jumpsuit is nice, a variety of outfits to suit the current dramatic mood is also important.”

“What? These are comfortable!” Kazuma protested, looking down at his ensemble.

Megumin just tsked and grabbed Chomusuke, who had been napping.

“Don’t make me go outside,” the cat complained. “It’s cold out there! And it’s full of those wackos!”

“Hush,” Megumin said, and tucked the tiny cat into her poncho. Chomusuke poked her head up between Megumin’s breasts, but still looked annoyed. “If you’re good, I’ll buy you some Arcanretia sardines.”

“Oooo, sardines? Make sure to get them fresh, not- NO! I’m not a cat, I’m a grown woman!”

“And we’ll let you test out the probably illegal hardware we buy to soup up the Wave Motion gun,” Kazuma added as they exited the ship again.

“Your offerings are acceptable,” Chomusuke sniffed. Then she made herself comfortable and took a nap.

“M-Megumin! Chris! W-where are you going!?” Yunyun called, hurrying over to them as they headed towards the town.

“Shopping trip,” Kazuma said. He jerked a thumb at Darkness. “She wants some new toys.”

Yunyun gave them a puzzled look, apparently not understanding. “B-but we need to repair the ship…Aqua’s already started, but we n-need all the help we can get.”

“We need to get supplies to fix the ship, and weapons to upgrade our suits if we want to stop Hans and prevent this place from turning from a water hole into a toxic waste dump,” Chris explained. “You can tag along if you-”

“No, she can’t! I’m going with my friends and lovers!” Megumin declared. “You can stay here like the friendless loser you are!”

Tears filled Yunyun’s eyes, but they froze almost immediately in the biting wind. “F-fine. You do that. A-and you always said you weren’t gay…” Then Yunyun trudged back to the ship, hugging herself in the cold air.

“Megumin,” Darkness chided gently. “I know you are jealous of her, but…”

“Shut up. Those with big tits always stick together. Just remember yours belong to me now,” Megumin snapped, and started to stalk off through the snow towards the town.

“Darkness has enough tits to go around, but you don’t need to be a boob yourself,” Chris said, falling in beside Megumin. “She’s your childhood friend. Don’t burn any bridges you don’t have to.”

“What’s the point of a bridge if you don’t burn it?” Megumin muttered darkly, then sighed and nodded when Chris and Darkness gave her stern looks. “Fine. I’ll apologize to the milk cow, but only because you acknowledge that I am far more beautiful than she is.”

“Well, it won’t be Yunyun that will help us test out all those wonderful toys we’ll buy for Darkness,” Chris laughed.

“Y-you mean it?!” Darkness gasped happily, hurrying forward.

“Yes, now hurry up and break the snow for us. Use that freakish height of yours for something useful,” Megumin said and shoved Darkness in front of her. Darkness didn’t seem to mind, and she really did break the waist-high snow much more easily than the others, wading forward easily.

They were about halfway to the ship when Darkness gasped, then surged forward. There was a lump laying there in the snow, and a moment later, Kazuma saw a bit of fabric sticking out of the snowbank. He and the girls hurried forward as best they could, and with their gloves and mittens hastily began to dig out what appeared to be a body buried in the drift.

After some frantic work, Darkness hauled out a man bundled up in a thick blue parka. His gray beard was crusted with ice, and his face was pale, eyes closed.

“What do we do!?” Darkness gasped, slipping off a glove to put a hand on the man’s forehead. “He’s like ice!”

“Treat him for hypothermia?” Kazuma guessed.

One of the man’s eyes cracked open. “Oh, thank you for finding me, strangers. Please, you must treat me immediately…”

“How do you treat people for hypothermia?” Megumin asked, frowning. “It’s freezing out here.”

“There is a sleeping bag in the drift,” the man told them. “One of you must strip naked and slip into it with me, warming me with your body heat! It’s the only way…”

Darkness looked mortified and dropped the man into the snow.

“I think he’s fine,” Chris said, shaking her head. “Remember? Grifters. Dirty old pervert just wants to cop a feel.”

“Please,” the man said weakly. “I’m dying…”

“We could light him on fire,” Kazuma suggested. “Anyone have a match?”

Megumin grinned, then pulled out a hand-size flamethrower and let off a burst of flames. “MWAHAHAHAHA! I am always prepared to start a fire!”

The man instantly popped up out of the snow. “Why, look at that! This young girl’s passion has warmed me! Thank you, kind strangers! Perhaps you could spare some loose change for a poor, lost old man?”

“Wait,” Darkness said, frowning at the man. “You look familiar…are you…?”

“Oh would you just look at the time, gotta go!” the man said, retrieving his sleeping bag from the snow, then jumping up atop the ice. He turned out to have been wearing a pair of snowshoes, and he took off at a dead run.

“Do you know him?” Kazuma asked as the man sprinted for the nearest buildings.

“I thought I did, but it couldn’t be. I don’t know very many citizens of Arcanretia, and the man I’m thinking of wasn’t a homeless bum. I…I was tempted to rescue him from the cold, but…he gave me such a creepy feeling…even I am not into that low form of degeneracy…”

“You’re just into BDSM,” Kazuma told her. “And a pervert.”

She gave him a nervous grin, and he shrugged. “It’s OK, I think the rest of us are perverts too. I know I am.”

“Speak for yourself,” Megumin muttered.

“Hey Megumin, have you ever thought about pegging Darkness?” Chris asked brightly, and Megumin went bright red and looked down.

“What’s…pegging?” Darkness asked, looking rather interested.

“You’re cute when you’re innocent,” Kazuma told her. “Too bad if you stick with us we’ll completely corrupt you.”

“I-I would not mind! P-please Megumin, you should definitely-”

“Are we going to stand here in the cold or go find some upgrades to my glorious cannon?” Megumin demanded and headed towards the town.

“Just so you know,” Kazuma said to no one in particular. “I’m definitely not into that.”

“W-would you try it on me, though?” Darkness asked hesitantly. “I-if you’re not comfortable with it…”

“Don’t worry, Kazuma will definitely be a pain in your ass,” Chris promised her. “Actually, we all probably will. Though I’m not sure yet about Kazuma being a pain in mine.”

Kazuma was pretty sure he followed the conversation, but wasn’t sure he was all that excited about the direction it was going in, so he jogged after Megumin. She looked at him and blushed, then firmly turned her face towards the town. Kazuma did, then blanched.

“Well, I guess they don’t just have those tacky neon signs in space,” he sighed. “You been here before?”

“No, just in space. The Captain only lets adults down to the planet for some stupid reason,” Megumin grumbled, then hesitated. “Actually, maybe Yunyun’s dad is smarter than I gave him credit for.”

“Why, because you would have blown up the ship?” Kazuma teased.

“In the pursuit of science, some sacrifices are necessary,” Megumin said with a shrug as they passed under the neon signs.

Though the streets of the town were made mostly of hard-packed dirty snow and patches of ice, the buildings were brightly lit with hundreds of neon signs loudly proclaiming their wares, most of which looked rather seedy. There were plenty of stores that sold the three major groups, Guns, Tobacco, and Alcohol, as well as a few dingy-looking restaurants that purported to sell “the best Seal Oil Shakes this side of the sun!”

Kazuma did not know what a seal oil shake was, and was very certain he had zero interest in ever learning the truth.

They had just stepped into the town when a short figure wrapped in several layers of jackets and scarves tottered toward them, her feet stomping through the frozen slush in the street. “Mister, mister, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

Kazuma brightened at that, and looked down. Between the layers of heavy fabric, the sparkling blue eyes and pink cheeks of a little girl looked up at him. She was holding up a paper and pen, and smiling at him, showing cute little dimples.

“Why, I love girl scout cookies. We’ll take a dozen,” Kazuma said, taking the paper and pen. “Do you have thin mints?”

“Of course we do, Big Bro!” the little girl chirruped eagerly. “I can get you them, no problem! Just write your order and sign your name!”

Something warned Kazuma, and before signing, he peered at the paper along with Megumin. There was a lot of legalese there, but Kazuma caught the part about him forfeiting his rights to his kidneys in exchange for the cookies. He tore the paper in half. “Is this entire town crazy!?”

“NOOOOOO!” the girl wailed, falling to her knees. She started crying. “I-if I don’t sell enough cookies, my cruel father will beat me, and starve me!”

“Can’t you just eat the cookies?” Megumin demanded.

“Drat! You’ve caught me!” The little girl scampered off as Darkness and Chris caught up to them.

“Kazuma, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?” Chris demanded.

“She wanted my organs for Thin Mints!” Kazuma said, pointing an accusatory finger at the girl.

Chris suddenly brightened. “Thin Mints?” She dashed forward and stopped the girl. “Do you really have Thin Mints?”

“Um, yes?” the girl said.

“Gimme a paper, I’d literally kill for a box of Thin Mints,” Chris told her.

“OK!” the girl pulled out a paper, but Kazuma and Darkness grabbed Chris as Megumin took the paper away and shredded it.

“Oh, come on! I have two kidneys! Have you even HAD Thin Mints?! They’re totally worth one organ!”

“Are you serious? I thought you said not to sign anything!” Kazuma told her.

“Yeah, but that was before they had Thin Mints! Come on, Darkness, Megumin, have you even ever HAD Thin Mints before!?” Chris demanded, struggling mightily in their grasp.

“No, they can’t be that good!” Megumin snapped.

Kazuma hesitated. “Actually…”

“We’re not giving up any organs!” Darkness pulled out her wallet and showed the girl some bills. “We will take a dozen boxes. No organs.”

“Hmm. OK!” The girl snatched the cash and ran off.

Chris gave Darkness a disgusted look. “Great! Now you’re out of money, and we’ll never get the cookies!”

Kazuma and Darkness let Chris go, and she proceeded to sulk as Megumin berated Darkness for being such a sucker. However, a couple of minutes later, the girl dashed out, followed by half a dozen other little girls equally bundled up. They were carrying brightly colored small cardboard boxes, and were panting for breath.

“There! Those are the marks!” The first little girl said, pointing. She didn’t have time to do anything further, and Chris dashed forward, and seized a green box.

She whipped out one of her knives, slashed open a sleeve, and stuffed four cookies into her mouth. She let out a low moan that Kazuma was rather familiar with thanks to their time in the shower together. “They’re real…We’ll take the entire lot!”

Kazuma came forward, and attempted to take some of Chris’ cookies, only for her to threaten him with her knife.

“Back off! These are MINE. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I had real Thin Mints?!”

“What are these…Samoas?” Megumin asked, frowning at the red box that showed a donut-shaped cookie coated in coconut and chocolate.

“They’re 5000 credits each!” the little girl Megumin had taken them from said brightly.

Megumin snorted derisively. “I’ll give you 500.”

The girl considered, then held up a hand. “Deal! Pay up!”

Megumin handed her a few coins, then opened a box and took a bite. Her eyes immediately began to glow, and she began to attack the rest of the cookies with gusto. “These are incredible! Delicious! I will take five!”

“The price just went up,” the little girl said sweetly. “Five hundred is the introductory price. Now they’re 1000.”

“I’ll give you 4000 for five!”

“Deal!”

Kazuma had given up on the Thin Mints when Chris had hissed at him when he tried to take a box, and had gotten some peanut butter sandwich cookies called Do-si-does. “You know, I used to have to buy these off the kids at the American military base. They’re sort of hard to get in Japan.”

“They can’t really be that good, can they?” Darkness asked dubiously as Megumin and Chris snarfed down their cookies. Kazuma handed her one, and Darkness took a bite.

She let out a gasp, putting one hand to her cheek. “Why, these are delicious! We’ll take the lot!”

“Not the trefoils though,” Kazuma told one of the girls. “Shortbread cookies are trash tier.”

Darkness ignored him and bought them anyway, though she did admit after trying one that it wasn’t as good.

After gorging themselves on cookies, the little girls departed, but only after Chris made them swear that if they found any more Thin Mints, they’d bring them straight to her.

Fortified with cookies and with crumbs on their shirts, they set off into the belly of Arcanretia.

But from the shadows, dark figures watched them. There were new marks in town.