The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, The Final Epilogue (Patreon)

Last week, the world had nearly been destroyed. Kyon wished he didn’t have to consider that, or, even worse, that the sentence was incomplete from his perspective. The more accurate version was: Last week, the world had nearly been destroyed, again.

It was a little disturbing that even with that very concerning “again” tacked on at the end, it didn’t bother him that much. After the first few times, he was rather blasé about the whole thing. Though there were still consequences.

“I’m still grounded,” he complained to Taniguchi and Kunikida. They were the only ones who gave him any sympathy at all about the whole mess. Granted, he couldn’t tell them the real reason he was grounded, but at least they listened.

“You were gone for a few days, it’s natural that your parents were worried about you,” Kunikida consoled. “It’s unfortunate your cat ate the note you left for them explaining about the field trip, but it could be worse.”

“Eh, at least your folks care. Sometimes I think as long as I brought home a good report card my parents wouldn’t give a rat's ass about what I did,” Taniguchi grumbled. “Hey, do you know what happened to that blue-haired beauty and her scoundrel boyfriend? They haven’t been in school since you left either.”

Haruhi, of course, had received no consequences whatsoever for disappearing for several days to another world. Her parents were the pair in question as a matter of fact, and had made excuses for her. They’d even apologized to Kyon’s parents for taking away his cell phone on the school trip and not letting him check for messages.

“Oh, they’re around, but they got caught fooling around,” Kyon told his friends in confidential tones. “I hear they were even sleeping together. Got themselves kicked out of school.”

“Wow, no kidding?! On a school trip!? Damn, did you get pictures? That Mizu girl had a nice pair, you know?” Taniguchi said, making a gesture around his chest. “I’d like to get my hands on a pair that nice!”

“Wow, what is it you like about breasts? Is it how they feel? How they look? What about how they smell? What do breasts smell like, anyway? Hey Sasaki, sniff my boobs!”

Taniguchi went bright red as across from their table in the cafeteria, Kuyou tried to shove her bust in a somewhat irritated Sasaki’s face. “I’m not going to sniff your boobs, Kuyou. Try someone else.”

“Hey! Taniguchi, we went out for a while! What do my boobs smell like?” Kuyou left her table and slid next to Taniguchi, smiling brightly at him. Her previously doll-like features were gone, replaced by a much more lifely expression. Her hair was also a lot shorter now, but her wide grin seemed infectious.

“I, uh, I don’t, I didn’t-” Taniguchi had gone bright red, and didn’t seem to know what to do. Kuyou was leaning into his personal space now, but he wasn’t leaning back. “You, uh, broke up with me, so, uh, I never-”

“I don’t remember why! We should go out again! We could talk about things! Like, for instance, boobs! And other human reproductive organs!” Kuyou was grinning widely now, and a slow, stupid grin was spreading over Taniguchi’s face.

“I, um, I’d like to talk,” Taniguchi admitted.

“Great! Come on, there are so many wonderful things to talk about now!” Kuyou grabbed Taniguchi and hauled him off to a far corner of the lunch room, leaving Kyon alone with Kunikide, and Sasaki muttering to herself with her head in her hands. Komekko was already eating Kuyou’s lunch, and wandered over to sit down across from Kyon to grab Taniguchi’s as well.

“Hey! You were with my sister, right?” Komekko said around a mouthful of food. “We haven’t talked much. Who’s your friend?”

“Yeah, I met Megumin, and this is Kunikida. He’s harmless. And a very normal guy,” Kyon said as his friend gave an awkward smile and wave.

“Uh, hi. You’re one of the transfer students from Kouyouen, aren’t you?” Kunikida said, smiling awkwardly. Kyon supposed that Komekko was a very cute young woman. Even if she was also apparently literally satan.

“Yeah, I guess,” Komekko made a face. Then she brightened. “Say! How do you feel about contracts?”

“Hey! No making contracts with my friends!” Kyon snapped, grabbing a paper and rolling it up to smack Komekko on the forehead.

“Hey! Knock it off! I am the Foremost Devil Queen of the Crimson Demon Clan! If you invoke my wrath, you will know despair, mortal!” Komekko said, trying to find off Kyon’s assault as her eyes burned red with irritation.

“Oh, uh…you’re the um, interesting young lady I’ve heard about in Class C, aren’t you?” Kunikida said, chuckling nervously.

“She’s the chuuni little maniac, yes. Don’t make a contract with her,” Kyon sternly warned his friend. It was generally a bad idea to encourage someone in the throes of chuunibyo delusions, but contracts with Komekko were universally a Bad Idea. Mostly because her proclamations of Dark Power were entirely accurate.

“Spoilsport,” Komekko muttered, folding her arms over her chest and pouting. “This place is boring.”

“Hey, Mekko-nyan!” Tsuruyu plopped down on the seat, grinning broadly. “And it’s Kyon’s cute little friend too! Your name was Kunikide, right?”

“Um, ah, yes?” Kunikide stammered, blushing heavily as he looked up at Tsuruya.

“Great! Hey, Komekko, I was wondering, are you still recruiting? You know, for your post-high school group? I think I’d make a Megas Awesome General!” Tsuruya said, flexing one of her arms.

A smile that reminded Kyon all too much of the Grinch getting a Wonderfully Awful Idea spread over Komekko’s face. “Why…yes. Yes I am! Tsuruya, right? You’re the daughter of the Witch’s Champion and the Blue Oni, aren’t you?”

“Yep! That’s me! I think Kunikide is a normie so we shouldn’t talk about it in front of him.”

Kunikide deflated at that comment until Tsuruya leaned over the table and waggled her eyebrows at him. “Don’t worry, I still think you’re cute! We should talk some other time! I need a new project now that someone’s finally corrupted my precious Mikuru!”

Tsuruya and Komekko headed out of the lunchroom, though Kyon thought he heard Tsuruya commenting, “Now I’m not sold on selling my soul, but I’d really like to see some actual combat!”

Sheesh. Was every woman in his life insane? Kyon turned to the silent girl at his side, who was quietly reading a book now that she was done with her own lunch. “You’re not crazy, right Yuki?”

“That depends,” Yuki said, turning another page. “By normal human parameters, I am very likely to be considered outside the neurological norm.”

“What about me?” Kyon turned to Kunikide. “Do you think I’m crazy, Kunikide?”

“Well, ah, you do hang out with some interesting people, Kyon,” Kunikide admitted, running his finger up and down the side of his face nervously. “But, um, do you really think Tsuruya thinks I’m cute?”

“That depends. How do you feel about a possibly insane woman who’s stronger than you, very weird, and has more energy than a husky after three espressos?”

“Well, if it’s Tsuruya…she is really cute, and I don’t mind if a girl’s strong,” Kunikide admitted, blushing heavily. “I’ve always sort of had a thing for buff girls…”

“She thinks you're adorable and would probably go out with you if you asked,” Kyon told Kunikide bluntly.

“R-really? Wow! Well, I mean, if you and Tanaguchi have girlfriends now…I guess…oh man, I need to think about this…”

Just then, a smug snakedwalked up and chuckled. “I say, is this a Shakespearian ending? Everyone falling in love and pairing off? It makes one think this is some sort of Divine Comedy, doesn’t it? Does that make you the story’s Dante, Kyon, or me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, and this isn’t one of the circles of hell, it’s just high school,” Kyon said, frowning up at Koizumi as he strolled up, Kyoko at his side.

“Is it? Are we not all but actors on the stage of life?” Koizumi mused. “Bound by winds of fate to-OW!”

Kyoko removed her fingers from the new red welt on Koizumi’s arm. “Oh, stop teasing Kyon. Come on, you were going to show me good places to hide for a quick smooch, so stop chatting and let’s go! There’s no point in twisting a bunch of arms to transfer me to your school if we’re not going to exploit it.”

“Uh, I…” Koizumi blushed, then smiled and shrugged. “Well, I suppose even I am prone to mortal failings. Adieu.”

Kyon watched them go, and then eyed Kunikide out of the corner of his eye. “Oh go on. Love is in the air. If you’re going to work up the courage to ask Tsuruya out, it may as well be now.”

“I-I guess I will! I, um, thanks for letting me sit with you, Miss Nagato,” Kunikide stammered, bowing towards Yuki.

She looked up from the book and nodded, and then Kunikide raced off.

“What are the odds he ends up in a contract with Komekko?” Kyon said, voicing his thoughts aloud.

“Uncertain. However, I have noted a marked similarity to the current atmosphere to the ending of certain plays.” Yuki held up what she was reading, which was, of course, A Comedy of Errors by the Bard himself.

“Is that one of the ones that ends with everyone hooking up?” Kyon asked, only half curious.

“I have not reached the ending yet,” Yuki said, setting down her book and scooting closer to Kyon. They had already been very close, so she was practically sitting on his lap at that point. “Further research is required.”

Kyon leaned down towards Yuki, putting his arms around her and drawing him to her as her lips parted slightly.

Then a ball of chaos skidded into the lunchroom, a manic gleam in her eyes and a wide grin on her face, a stack of papers in her arms. “There you two are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why weren’t you in the club room?! I have an important announcement! Ah, and there’s my new Vice Chief! Come on, Sasaki, have you heard the wonderful news?”

Kyon and Yuki separated, much to his annoyance as Haruhi stood before them, the familiar band of the SOS Brigade chief on her forearm.

“Your parents are going on a second honeymoon. Supposedly to Hawaii, but actually to another world where they’ll probably do something stupid like fight demons instead of relaxing on the beach,” Sasaki said, tossing her half eaten lunch tray in a garbage can.

Haruhi frowned at Sasaki’s pronouncement. “Well, suck all the fun out of my surprise, why don’t you!? Shouldn’t you show me a little more respect now?”

“No. If anything, I think I respect you even less, knowing what we both are now,” Sasaki told her cousin. Or whatever. Kyon knew they were both semi-awakened deities or something, but frankly they were mostly annoying. “Besides, my parents did the same thing.”

“They went on vacation in Belzerg?” Haruhi asked, suddenly curious.

“Don’t be absurd. They went back to Ixphoria to visit my grandmother.”

“Huh. Well, whatever.” Haruhi spun back to Kyon, the mania back. “Well, you know what this means, right?”

“That Kazuma will stop bumming change for the vending machine off me?” Kyon suggested.

“I have new neighbors,” Yuki stated.

“Ugh, that might be true, but that’s not what I was talking about! It means that I have the house to myself now! My parents left this morning, and now I’m all alone!”

“My sympathy. I’ll buy you a teddy bear to keep you company.”

“You have no imagination or creativity!” Haruhi declared, pointing an accusatory finger at Kyon. “What is the traditional rite of passage for all teenagers when their parents depart for an extended period of time and leave them in charge of their own house?”

“They learn how to cook?” Kyon offered.

“They learn valuable self-care and management skills,” Sasaki added.

“They stay up all night playing StarCraft and are forced to create a time distortion bubble in order to get an adequate amount of sleep.”

Everyone turned to Yuki in shock. She just sat there quietly, though Kyon did see her lips twitch towards a smile. Most people probably wouldn’t have noticed, but he did.

“Wow, OK, I didn’t expect Yuki to be the party animal out of all of us,” Haruhi laughed, breaking the silence. “But seriously Kyon, you need to stage an intervention before your girlfriend turns into a Hiki-NEET like my dad used to be.”

“Did you really?” Kyon asked, curious.

Yuki nodded once. “I shall not make a habit of it.”

Privately, Kyon vowed to get Yuki to abuse her time distortion abilities for his benefit, like when he forgot to do his homework or needed a nap himself.

“Well, I have a WAY better idea.” Haruhi slapped one of the papers she’d been carrying into Kyon’s face. He drew it back, and saw the logo of the SOS brigade on it, along with a horrible announcement.

“We’re going to have a House Party!” Haruhi said eagerly. “We’ll decorate the place, purchase a variety of food and beverages, and break into my parent's liquor cabinet to spike the punch bowl! We’ll invite everyone cool from North High to join us, and from there use it as a springboard to allow the SOS Brigade to take over the school!”

“I want no involvement in this,” Sasaki said firmly, tearing the flier Haruhi had pressed onto her in half.

“Too late! Your name’s on the flier!” Haruhi said cheerily. “We’ll put these up all over school and hand them out! I got you a bunny girl outfit to go with mine!”

“Who died and made you god?” The look on Sasaki’s face after she said that told Kyon how much she regretted staying that, and Haruhi’s wide predatory grin told him just what her response would be.

“...fine. But we have to be at least slightly discriminatory in the guest list. If we’re not careful, there will be delinquents and undesirables there. Perhaps a fight would even break out in the worst case.”

“Worst case? That’s the ideal circumstance! It’s not a real party unless there’s at least one fight, my dad always said!” Haruhi declared brightly.

“Considering your parentage, I don’t think we should take Kazuma’s advice,” Kyon said wryly.

“Hmph. Well, we’re having a house party, and you’re helping me plan it!”

Before Haruhi could argue further, the bell rang, and it was back to class. Haruhi bounded along next to Kyon and Yuki, enthusiastically expanding on her increasingly over the top plans for their house party. When they arrived back at their homeroom, however, Kyon had to steel himself before entering.

Yuki took his hand, and gave it a squeeze. “Do not worry. I will protect you.”

Kyon swallowed, Kyon nodded, never taking his eyes off the blue haired girl chatting with her friends. Asakura might be leashed, but she wasn’t contained. Not by a long shot.

“Kimidori isn’t giving you any trouble either, right?” Kyon asked quietly, stalling for time before he had to go into the room.

“She continues to complain via text. I have her muted,” Yuki stated. “I now possess the full powers of the Data Overmind and the Sky Canopy Dominion. She is limited to local data manipulation techniques.”

“Uh, can Asakura still manipulate data?” Kyon asked, feeling sweat trickle down his back.

“Yes. But she cannot do so while in my presence, or yours. I have put restrictions on her.”

Sighing, Kyon gingerly went into the class and took his seat, Yuki right in front of him, Haruhi behind. He probably was safe with the two most powerful beings in existence around him, but he still felt a twinge in his gut where he’d twice been stabbed by the blue-haired alien.

Their next period was math, which went fine, but then it was time for PE. He paused before he headed into the gym. “Hey, is Darkness still the girls’ PE teacher?”

“No, she went back home,” Haruhi said with a shrug. “No clue who we have now.”

Kyon nodded and went to get changed with the rest of the boys. They had combined field activities today, so they’d be joining the girls for a combined class. He absently wondered what Kazuma, Aqua, and Darkness were up to now. He hadn’t known the blonde woman well, but she seemed just as weird and goofy as Haruhi’s parents had been.

“Come to think of it, do people think I’m the weird one?” Kyon mused aloud as he stood before his locker.

“You’re always hanging out with a bunch of crazy chicks, so yes,” Taniguchi told him bluntly.

“You have a bit of lipstick on your nose still,” Kyon told him in falsely sweet tones.

Taniguchi blushed heavily and tried to paw away the nonexistent makeup. “W-what!? H-how- Hey! Kuyou is normal, not like Suzumiya or Nagato!”

For a brief moment, Kyon considered taking offense that someone had said his friends, and especially Nagato, were not normal. Then he shrugged. “I guess we are a bit odd. I think I like it that way. I hope you do as well because Kuyou definitely is an odd one.”

“She uh, she is hot though, right?” Taniguchi said in a half-questioning tone.

Kyon wondered how long he should wait before he told his friend they were both dating aliens.

Out on the field, they sat in the bleachers, waiting for the teachers to arrive. Haruhi was still going over her mad plans, and Kyon was only half paying attention. He absently watched the coaches come out, his mind running over the possible mishaps that would happen from this boondoggle of a party. Then he jerked the shock of recognition. “Chris?!”

Haruhi and Sasaki’s head snapped around, and they both shot to their feet. “Senpai!?”

“Heya girls!” Chris said, waving merrily. She looked older somehow, a bit taller, her face more mature, but it was still undeniably Chris. “I’m your new PE teacher, Chris Fortuna! Ms. Ford suddenly had to return to her old country, so now I’m here! Today, we have something a little different planned for you all! Behold! The Obstacle Course!”

Kyon slowly looked over to the side, where somehow, he hadn’t previously noticed a massive obstacle course. It looked grueling, with a ten-meter high wall, a long rope walk over a sand pit, logs and hurdles to clamber and climb over, and…wait. Was that a door with a lock on it they were supposed to pick?

“Let’s get moving, boys and girls! Fitness is key to development!”

“B-but Senpai, what are you doing here?!” Sasaki gasped as the students trotted off.

“I told you: I’m your new teacher! Now get moving, young lady,” Chris ordered, and blew her whistle.

Kyon watched in disgust as the biggest and strongest boys hit the obstacle course. They made it over the rope web and up the planks, but by the time they hit the 10 meter wall and the rotating log jam, they were out of breath and panting for air, or bruised and battered from falls and getting slapped around.

Then Haruhi and Sasaki started. They hit the ground running, and didn’t slow down, sprinting over the ropes and vaulting the 10 meter wall with ease, navigating the rotating log and tight rope walk, and only pausing when they hit the locked doors. Haruhi paused to dig a pin out of her hair to pick the lock, while Sasaki looked around, waved her hand over the lock, and it snapped open.

Of course.

Get going, Kyon! If you’re going to keep up with those girls, you’ve got lots of training to do!” Chris ordered. “You too, Yuki. And no teleporting to the end. That’s what Kazuma would do.”

Yuki nodded, then took Kyon’s hand. She led him through the course, boosting him over the obstacles, and walking calmly over the ropes without breaking stride. When he took his eyes off her, he would stumble and nearly fall, but then she’d squeeze his hand and look back at him, and he’d make it. It was a grueling endeavor still, but he managed to finish it faster than most of the jocks.

Haruhi and Sasakis still lapped them. Twice. Kyon just sighed.

By the end, most of the students had managed to finish only a single lap, and were panting from exhaustion.

“Not bad, kiddies! But this was the easy course. The school said I couldn’t have a machine gun and barbed wire, but I’ll still find a way to challenge you for the next one!” Chris said brightly.

A few students chuckled or managed nervous giggles, but Chris gave them a dazzling smile.

“She’s not kidding,” Sasaki said with a heavy sigh. “Senpai, this really is too much…”

“Nonsense! We’ll make proper Adventurers out of you all! Now hit the showers!” Chris ordered. Then she winked at Kyon and Haruhi. “And I’ll see some of you after school! Bye for now!”

The rest of the school day passed with no small sense of trepidation, but that was mostly because Asakura was still in the room. She smiled at Kyon once, while meaningfully sharpening her pencil. Until Yuki frowned at her, that is. Asakura gave her a hurt look and turned around, but Kyon was shuddering slightly.

“I think perhaps Ryoko Asakura should transfer classes,” Yuki remarked to no one in particular.

“Thank you,” Kyon said, shuddering. “You really are the best goddess.”

Haruhi let out an offended sound, and gave Kyon a hurt look.

“Hey, I’m not dating you. Yuki would be a goddess no matter what powers she had.”

That brought a small smile to Yuki’s lips, and a short time later, someone from the office came and informed Ryoko that “her parents were there to pick her up.”

Considering she was an alien robot, she didn’t have parents, that was a flimsy excuse. But that was the last time Kyon saw Ryoko in his classroom.

At the end of the day, Haruhi dragged Kyon and Yuki to the SOS Brigade room as soon as the bell sounded, but they were beaten there.

“Welcome, Mistress!” a cheerful maid said, offering tea.

“Yes, welcome!” a second maid echoed.

“...wait. What are YOU doing here?” Kyon asked, pointing at Cecily. “You’re not a high school student!”

“But I’m dating one!” Cecily said happily. “I just had to see Mikuru in her adorable maid uniform, and I got to help make the tea!”

Kyon picked up the glass and eyed it sceptically. It looked more like hot jello than tea. “What is this?”

“Jelly slime! It’s legal here, trust me,” Cecily told him.

“It’s tasty, try it!” Mikuru encouraged, using a spoon to eat her “tea.”

Haruhi sucked hers down, but Yuki just held hers. Kyon gave it a try, and decided that Mikuru probably hadn’t made it, because it tasted vile.

The newly expanded SOS Brigade piled in shortly after: Tsuruya and Kuyou, dragging Kunikide and Taniguchi along. Kyon decided they were thoroughly doomed at this point. He said a silent prayer for both of them. They were about to learn what happened when you found your Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Or rather, she found you.

With them were Koizumi and Kyoko, and a sour looking Komekko. Kyon pondered briefly if the Crimson Demon girl was jealous because she didn’t have a boyfriend, and then decided that was a prospect too horrifying to even imagine. He silently handed Komekko his tea, and her expression perked up as she drained it, then looked around for more. It seemed she was just hungry for food, and not the souls of innocent boys. Or at least, not at the moment.

A few minutes later Chris breezed in, still dressed in gym shorts and a white tea shirt. “Good afternoon, everyone, I’m your new- CECILY!?”

“Uh, hi?” Cecily said, hiding behind her serving tray and waving sheepishly. “Mikuru invited me.”

“You’re not allowed around schools and you know it. Get out of her, or I’m forcibly deporting you myself,” Chris said, pointing to the door.

“Er, yeah, I guess…” Cecily said, slinking towards the door.

“You know what? Never mind. Haruhi, Sasaki, Yuki?”

“Yes, Senpai?” the girls chorused. Or, well, Sasaki and Haruhi did. Yuki just nodded.

“This is how you open an interdimensional portal. Pay attention.” Then Chris shut the door, made a few arcane gestures, and opened it again. Now it opened up on the road to Axel, the town about two kilometers distant.

“Now get out of here,” Chris ordered and shoved Cecily towards the portal. “And don’t let me catch you within 300 meters of a school again!”

“But, I’m dating Mikuru! I was staying at her place,” Cecily whined as she was pushed into the portal.

“Mikuru can make her own mistakes. You get out of here.” Chris shoved Cecily back into Belzerg.

Cecily stumbled out onto the dirt road, then turned around. “Bye, Mikuru! I’ll see you soon! Keep the maid uniform I-”

A long, pink tongue reached out and latched on to Cecily. With a cry, she was dragged out of view of the portal. A moment later, there was a loud ribbit.

“Oh for the love of- She’s a high-level priestess! How did she let that happen!?” Chris demanded, planting her hands on her hips. “Axis Cultists. I swear.”

“I got it, I got it, I got it!” Tsuruya cried. “Come on, Kunikide! I’ve heard about this, you can- oh, he’s passed out. Someone wake him up, I’ll be back in a minute!”

Tsuruya ran through the portal, and Kyon turned to Taniguchi, who was looking pale and shaking slightly as his eyes bugged out at the portal. Kuyou was talking fast, and seemed excited.

“Oh wow, is that an isekai!? Are we going to go on an adventure? I’ve always wanted to go to new places and meet new people! Oh, but there’s so many people on Earth I haven’t talked to! That’s why I came here, you know, I wanted to communicate with other lifeforms! Oh, hey, Taniguchi, did I mention I’m an alien? Because I am! Don’t worry though, I’m biologically compatible with- oh now he’s passed out too.”

Inside the portal, Kyon heard the sounds of incredible violence, manic laughter, and saw some blood splatter. And to think: he used to think Tsuruya was cute. He also saw Chris grab Komekko and prevent her from sneaking out of the mortal, much to the wannabe ultimate evil’s disgruntlement.

“Aw, come on, I was just going to make sure Cecily and Tsuruya were OK!” Komekko whined as Chris shoved her back into her seat.

“Sure you were. Wait, hold on, those two weren’t muggles, right?” Chris asked, frowning at the two comatose high schoolers.

“I’m afraid they were,” Itsuki admitted, chuckling and standing up. “It’s OK, the Organization has dealt with these sorts of things before.”

“All done!” Tsuruya said brightly, hauling a very slimy Cecily with her. Her face and clothes were now splattered with blood, but by her demeanor, you’d think she’d just been given a present.

“Ah! Cecily!” Mikuru wailed, and ran forward, taking a towel to clean her girlfriend off.

“She’s fine! Don’t worry! Come on, we’re gonna miss the meeting!” Tsuruya said.

“I’ll be OK, not the first time I’ve been slimed,” Cecily assured Mikuru

They stepped back inside, and the portal slide shut.

“Hey! Get away from Kunikide! What are you doing with himi?” Tsuruya demanded.

“Just a simple mind wipe,” Kyoko assured Tsuruya. “He’ll just lose the last few minutes.”

“Nah, don’t bother, he was going to find out if he hung around us sooner or later! This is more interesting!” Tsuruya laughed.

They managed to revive the two boys, who took the revelation rather well, considering. Tachibana muttered something along the lines of “I knew you were a bunch of weirdos.” But they both calmed down with some tea from Mikuru and their newly acquired guides to the world of the weird and the strange. It did help that said guides were both cute girls their own age. Kyon knew that from experience.

“Right! Well, I’m Chris, also known as the Goddess Eris, and this is Goddess Training 101!” Chris said happily.

Kunikide and Tachibana managed not to faint again.

“What!? But this is the SOS Brigade, my club! You can’t just commandeer it, Senpai!” Haruhi protested.

“Who said anything about commandeering? This is your cult, I’m just here to provide guidance,” Chris told her. “Every cult needs a high priest! Or even high priestess!”

“I freaking knew it!” Tachibana said, standing up, a wild look in his eyes. “You were starting your own cult, Haruhi! Kyon, this is all a mad dream or something, right!? Right!? Kunikide pinch me!”

“I tried that already,” the other boy said weakly. “And, um, I think she’s probably telling the truth…”

“But you’re going to ruin my house party!” Haruhi wailed. “It was going to have no adult supervision!”

“You can totally have it, I’ll just be there to make sure you don’t accidentally summon an Outer God or something. Oh, and of course, you three girls have homework! We’ll be spending nights practicing miracles and judging the dead. Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through your first few thousand cases.”

“What about during the day?” Sasaki asked suspiciously

“You get to be normal high school students! You have to learn basic skills somehow, right? Plus, mortal schools are way more interesting than the dumb divine onboarding training. They just lock you in a room with some videos and tests for a couple of decades.”

“You…you’re really a goddess?” Kunikide asked faintly, raising his hand.

“Yep! I can sense her divine aura. Oh, also, I’m half oni, see?” Tsuruya held her breath, and her green horn popped out of her forehead.

Instead of fainting, Kunikide blushed and gasped, “It’s so cute! Can…can I touch it?”

“Ooo, wanting to touch a girl’s horn, you didn’t even buy me dinner first! Nah, it’s OK, stop blushing, you can touch it!”

“Well, this is your meeting, Haruhi. I’ll just be putting in grades on the computer,” Chris said, taking a seat where Haruhi usually presided over the club.

“Right! Well, we have a fantastic house party to plan, and it’s this weekend! Now, we’re going to be passing out fliers and…”

The meeting continued much as it normally did, though the club room was considerably more packed. Kyon leaned back and glanced at Chris’s screen. Funny, her grade book looked a lot like Counter-Strike. Not that Kyon was surprised. That was about par for the divinities he knew.

The meeting wrapped up, with everyone assigned various tasks. Kyon was, apparently, in charge of purchasing supplies. Fortunately, Haruhi had given him her parents credit card, but it was a big ask for him to buy everything on his own. Thankfully, he had two minions to help him out.

“Come on, you two,” he told Kunikide and Tachibana. “Let’s get this over with. Haruhi won’t stop harassing us until we have everything on this list.”

They followed Kyon out of the room, but they hadn’t gone far before the questions started.

“Kyon, is Kuyou really an alien?! I mean, she’s hot, and weird, but I never-”

“-actually an oni!? And Haruhi’s really a goddess!? What kind of crazy club is-”

“And Nagato! What is she?! A magical girl?!!”

“Or a robot? She’s always so quiet, I never thought-”

“Yuki’s an alien magical girl who’s sort of a robot that got turned real, but that’s another story,” Kyon told them. They stared at him for a moment, and he sighed.

“Good grief. You two really don’t know what you signed up for. Fine, I guess I’ll teach you the ropes. This is basically the situation I found myself in last year, you know. It all started with Haruhi, and then I was meeting aliens, time travelers, and espers…”

They didn’t get much shopping done, but they did spend a few hours at a cafe while Kyon fielded questions. By the end of it, he knew it was too late: Kunikide and Tachibana were well and truly wrapped up in the crazy now. It was actually sort of nice that they saw Kyon as the wise sage who had seen it all, and they would rely on him to explain things for once.

Come to think of it, he’d saved the world what, three, four times now? Eh, you lost track after the first couple anyway. He headed home on his trusty steed, his old bike creaking as he rode it down the hill.

“Kyon!” his sister said when he stepped inside. “Look who it is! She came to visit!”

Half expecting to find some sort of eldritch horror sitting on his couch, Kyon relaxed when he saw it was only Yuki, with Shamisen curled up on her lap.

“Oh, hey Yuki. What are you doing here?” Kyon said, shucking off his shoes. He noticed his sister had given their guest refreshments: Just boxes and Kitkat bars. Would she never grow up?

“Meeting my neighbors,” Yuki stated, stroking the purring cat.

Kyon paused. “Huh?”

“Yuki just moved into Mr. and Mrs. Yamada’s old apartment!” his sister said happily. “She said her old one’s lease was up!”

Kyon blinked, then sat down on the couch next to Yuki. “You did?”

“Yes. I realized you were correct: there was an error with my teleportation spell,” Yuki said quietly as Kyon’s sister wandered off, apparently bored.

“Huh?” Kyon wracked his brain, then remembered. “Oh, that you registered my apartment as a location. So, wait, does that mean…?”

“You can walk me to school,” Yuki told him. “I would like that.”

It was a bit unusual for Yuki to be so vocal about things, so this had to be something she really wanted. But it did make Kyon smile. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

They ended up doing their homework, or rather, Kyon copied as Yuki just wrote down all the answers without looking them up even once, and then played Playstation. Kyon’s mother was shocked to find a girl in her son’s room, but she’d heard about Yuki before, and seemed rather taken with her.

Kyon sat down with Yuki to dinner and smiled to himself. This was his life now: the ordinary, and the extraordinary, juxtaposed. He supposed it could have been worse.

The End  (for real this time)

Author’s note:

It’s not often that I actually finish a story. In fact, this is probably only the third longform story I’ve managed to finish, and the first crossover. It’s sort of a surreal feeling to know that I can actually put down my keyboard, at least for this world.

This story does have sort of a non-ending, but then again, that’s how life is. At least Kazuma will no longer be so Melancholy, and his daughter finally grew up. Sort of. Eventually. She’ll get there. Probably.

A special thanks to Dr_Feelgood and the Grand Cogitator for beta reading this story from almost the beginning. They’ve been a tremendous help in making sure that I actually said what I meant to say, and that there aren’t a ton of spelling eras.

I’d also like to thank Jman, who has graciously sponsored me on Patreon, and been a constant enthusiastic reader and encourager of this story. It was a weird one, and a long haul, but we made it! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

And lastly, thanks to all my readers. If you made it this far, I’m sure your sanity is as questionable as my own. I hope it was worth it.

Until next time,

Full-Paragon