Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 19 (Patreon)

If there was one thing Kazuma hated about his current life, it was that the Lagaan was very uncomfortable, especially in space. Sure, once he fused it was a pretty sweet ride, but having to sit with his knees up by his ears, hunched over the controls and his neck bent as his head was pressed up against the canopy was not a good time.

“I should have just stayed on the ship,” Kazuma grumbled, his vision blurring as he gazed out at the vista before him. Even in his curmudgeonly heart, he had to admit it was rather beautiful. The main gas giant took up most of his view, with colorful clouds and storms the size of continents swirling on its surface. In the distance, growing closer, he could see the sparkling dot of the ice moon of Alcanrettia, and on his left was another smaller moon, shaped somewhat like a potato and dotted with craters, not quite large enough to be pulled into an entirely spherical shape by gravity.

And on the right, the system’s primary star was a smaller dot than he was used to on Earth, but it still provided a great deal of light. He could also see tiny specks that his readout told him were the other planets in the system. It was a breathtaking sight to behold. He just wished he was more comfortable while he was doing the beholding.

On a whim, he opened a comm channel to Darkness. He was actually over half a kilometer away from her mecha, though in space, they were practically next to one another in relative terms. “So, are you as bored as I am?”

“Kazuma, we are mere hours away from what is surely to be a brutal battle. The enemy could ambush us at any moment! I must stand ready, to use myself as a shield between our foes and the ships behind us.”

Kazuma waited a moment, then said, “So, bored out of your skull?”

“Well, yes, but I am trying to stay alert,” she admitted. She was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Um, Kazuma…can I ask you a question?”

“I mean I did call you because I wanted to talk to you,” Kazuma said, trying to shift to a more comfortable position. “Ask away.”

“Are you…nervous?”

“Meh. We beat Wolbach. How much worse can this Hans be?” Kazuma said, though his heart did flutter slightly. He had almost died fighting Wolbach.

“Oh, I didn’t mean about that. The prospect of going into combat and fusing with you again…it truly excites me! No, I mean…w-with the betrothal. It, ah, it’s a bit sudden…we haven’t known each other for that long…”

“Am I nervous that I’m getting married to the woman with the largest boobs I’ve ever seen?” Kazuma asked, and Darkness moaned audibly at the descriptor. “The only way that makes me nervous is if I suffocate from you being on top.”

“Y-you truly are a lewd and vile man, Kazuma,” Darkness gasped.

Kazuma shrugged, then felt guilt gnaw at his stomach. “Uh, you know…Megumin and I…we sort of…”

“Oh, yes, Chris told me what you were doing,” Darkness said, nodding. “Did you…you know…?”

“Well, she says she’s not pregnant because she’s got an implant or something so we don’t have to worry about that at least?” Kazuma said, chuckling nervously.

“Oh, that would be quite a scandal. Since technically she’s my consort as well. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much either way.”

“So…you’re not, you know, mad or jealous?”

“Well, I am a little disappointed Chris and I had to work while you were having fun, but…oh, sorry. No, this sort of arrangement is common for nobles throughout the system. I-I always dreamed of having a harem of big, strong men to abuse me…but Megumin can be so cruel! A-and Chris’s fingers…”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to be the big strong guy then,” Kazuma sighed, looking at his noodle arms. This just wasn’t fair. Darkness was like 2 meters tall!

“You will always be the big strong man to me,” Darkness teased. “And you-”

“All units! Motion detected on Tuber! We’ve got incoming!” Yunyun’s voice barked out, far more commanding than normal.

“They really named the potato moon Tuber?” Kazuma sighed, turning his mecha towards Darkness’ and hitting the afterburner on the booster harness he’d been fitted with. He let out a yelp as he was banged about in the cockpit, but managed to get things mostly under control.

“Fear not, I shall defend us!” Darkness declared, and ignited her own boosters, zooming off towards the enemy.

Kazuma could see them now, several dozen enemy mecha flying out of the dark side of Tuber and towards the Axis Queen and the Dread Pirate Crimson. Indeed, there were even two larger ships coming out from behind the moon, both of which looked like what you would get if you asked an art director to make a “legally distinct Star Destroyer,” with wedge shapes that bristled with guns and bays that more mecha and fighter craft streamed from.

“FOOLISH CRIMSON DEMONS!” a voice bellowed over the radio. “YOU HAVE COME TO YOUR DEATHS THIS TIME! THE SLIMO CLAN WILL DESTROY YOU!”

“Slimo clan?” Kazuma said with a snort. “Well that’s a dumb name.”

“I would not mock them, the slimes of the Slimo Clan are some of the deadliest pilots in the system,” Darkness warned him. Then she let out a gasp. “No. It cannot be…”

For a moment Kazuma was confused, then his sensors wailed a loud warning, and the moon itself began to shift. Its surface rippled, and then first one, then another great yellow eye opened. The surface went from a dusty gray to a virulent purple, and what had looked like a mountain range twisted to reveal giant teeth.

“I, HANS THE SENTAI OF POISON, SHALL DEVOUR YOU ALL IN THE NAME OF THE SPACE DEVIL KING!”

“Wait, he’s the size of a MOON now?!” Kazuma demanded. “Well, I mean, a small, gross, misshapen moon, but it’s like 100 kilometers across!”

“He has grown…but how!? We have to retreat! All of you, flee! I shall hold them off myself!” Darkness said, stopping in her charge and drawing her sword. Maybe this was a target so big that even she couldn’t fail to hit it.

“Hell no! That’s a foe too tough even for you,” Kazuma said, slamming the Lagaan into Darkness’ back.

She grunted, but somehow barely budged. “No! I will not flee from any foe!”

“I”m not becoming a widower before we even tie the knot! Besides, you haven’t even managed to go all the way and lose your V card, have you?” Kazuma demanded.

“W-well, um, I-I have uh, done many things with you and C-Chris, but, ah, not yet Megumin, and I do still wish to-”

“So no dying on me! You still have something to live for! Now you turn around and run away like the horny idiot you are or no spankings for you later!” Kazuma said.

“W-what a cowardly, conniving man, to manipulate me so!” Darkness panted, but she did turn around.

“Megumin! Hey, Megumin, come in, are you there?!” Kazuma said.

“Yes, I am. Do not fear, I am launching now,” Megumin said over the radio. “As soon as I beheld such a target, I could not hold myself back!”

“Right, we’re going to have to put everything we have into this one. Do you think you can blow up something the size of a small moon?” Kazuma asked.

“Ha! The power of the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon is unmatched! The entire universe shall bear witness to my genius and power!”

“...I’ll take that as a yes. Sorry, Darkness, our date for tonight is canceled,” Kazuma said.

“I understand. Here, let me give you a boost,” Darkness said, plucking the Lagaan off her mecha’s back and holding Kazuma in both hands. “If only you could do this to me!”

Realizing what was about to happen, Kazuma tried to protest. “Wait! No, don’t! I-”

It was too late. With a mighty heave, she hurled him back towards the Axis Queen, sending Kazuma spinning through space like a screaming baseball. He managed to right himself after half a minute of trying to wrestle the controls, and was grateful he’d never been one to suffer overly much from motion sickness. Megumin flew out to meet him, and he hit the Button Of Unfortunate Implications right as he drew near.

They fused together, once more transforming into a giant robot with a truly ludicrous cannon embedded in the chest. And, of course, putting Kazuma and Megumin in a compromising position.

“Uh, hey again,” Kazuma said, looking down at Megumin. Somehow, straddling her when she was in a skintight latex jumpsuit was even more lewd than when they’d both been naked.

“I am ready, Kazuma! Let us give birth to the most wonderful destruction imaginable!” Megumin said, grinning up at him, her red eyes glowing with passion.

“Right then,” Kazuma said, giving the controls a squeeze and provoking a groan of happiness from Megumin. “Wave Motion-”

“EXPLOSION!” Megumin cried gleefully, and the mecha thrummed with power as the massive beam of red light shot out towards Hans in the distance. Even traveling at many times the speed of sound, it was several seconds before the shot hit, impacting Hans even as the ships and mecha scattered away from him.

“Well, looks like that’s that,” Kazuma panted, bending down to kiss Megumin, who had her eyes closed and was breathing heavily. “You do get off on this, don’t you?”

“It’s even more wonderful than when we made love,” Megumin said sleepily. “You make it feel so much better than when I do this on my own.”

“...it’s a good thing you're cute, or this level of crazy would be disturbing.”

“I’m not crazy, I’m a genius,” Megumin giggled, wiggling against Kazuma. “Mmm, I almost feel like-”

“FOOLS! DO YOU THINK SUCH PATHETIC FIREPOWER COULD DESTROY ME!”

Kazuma snapped up, even as Megumin gasped in horror. Unlike when they had used the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon in the atmosphere, the effects dissipated quickly, and they could now clearly see the monstrous face of Hans, his yellow eyes still glowing ominously, miles wide mouth gaping hungrily.

“Oh. Oh shit. Uh, are you ready for another shot?” Kazuma asked.

“I…I have been totally drained…I do not think I can manage one so soon. I’m still sore,” Megumin panted.

“Sheesh, and I thought it was us guys who had performance issues,” Kazuma muttered.

“Kazuma, Kazuma!” Darkness said, her voice breathless. “It didn’t work! Your shot hit, but Hans lost less than 10% of his mass! I must face him-”

“Darkness, don’t be a moron! Get back here, and don’t make me come get you!” Megumin snapped. Then she moaned. “Kazuma, I can feel-”

The fusion ended, and Kazuma and Megumin floated in empty space, both their mecha drained of energy.

“His forces have scattered, we need to retreat,” Yunyun’s voice said over their comms. “Get back aboard and we’ll make a full burn for Alchanrettia.”

“Very well. I suppose I cannot let the two of you be left behind,” Darkness sighed, picking them both back up and bringing them aboard the Axis Queen.

“What of the rest of the Crimson Demon Clan?” Darkness asked as their mecha were grabbed by the docking clamps for refueling and refit, Aqua and the maintenance techs already racing forward to restore the drained mecha.

“Well, um, my people aren’t always the most, ah, rational…but even we can tell w-when something is too much for us. This isn’t the time or place to fight…”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Kazuma muttered, popping open his hatch.

Kazuma stumbled out, but Darkness was already dragging the limp Megumin out of her mecha as the engines kicked into overdrive. “I will take her to our quarters, then we meet on the bridge to discuss this.”

Kazuma plodded forward, feeling exhausted. Before he could collapse, Chris appeared sliding under his shoulder and propping him up. “What is that, three times in one day now? We’re turning you into a real stud!”

“Thanks, I guess. What the heck do we do now?” Kazuma asked Chris.

She frowned, shrugging slightly. “Not sure. We’ll have to come up with a more complicated plan than ‘hit it very hard’ it seems.”

“Knowing the caliber of our plans, we’ll probably come up with ‘hit it even harder,’” Kazuma muttered.

Chris laughed, and led Kazuma up to the bridge, sitting him down and giving him a hot mug of tea and a candy bar to munch on. He gratefully ate it, until Darkness stepped onto the bridge with Yunyun, joining them around the command table.

“W-well, the good news is, Hans isn’t moving very fast,” Yunyun said, pointing to the plot. “W-we’re not really sure how he managed to replace Tuber, but your shot seems to have wounded him, and he’s moving slower. We’re only about 7 hours away from Alcanrettia now, and they’re s-still under attack. It seems that H-Hans himself isn’t leading the attack, only another large Poison Slime.”

“He’s got to be by far the biggest slime on record. Normally, they can only grow to at most a fraction of that size. He was already the biggest recorded, and he was only about 500 meters in height,” Darkness said, shaking her head.

“Wait, wasn’t he just a normal guy in a mecha before?” Kazuma asked, frowning.

“Slimes are shapeshifters,” Chris said with a shrug. “They can hide their mass in another dimension, then pull it out when they transform into their true shapes. As big as he is now, he can destroy an entire planet on his own, coating in an entire sea of poison.”

“I-I think it must be the work of the Space Devil King. H-He must have empowered Hans somehow,” Yunyun said, looking very worried. “S-something that big…w-well, I would have thought Megumin could destroy Hans before, b-but now…”

“Now we need an upgrade, or help of some kind. We’re 7 hours out, how far away is Hans?” Kazuma asked, frowning at the display.

“W-we don’t know, but he doesn’t seem to be moving very fast. We’ll have to track him, but…a few days, at least? H-he seems to be breaking from Tuber’s orbit. N-not sure how he’s propelling himself…”

“Maybe with some giant ass farts,” Kazuma said with a snort.

“Actually…that could work,” Chris mused. “Poison slimes have a rather, ah, unique digestive system.”

“Then we prepare for landfall in 7 hours. It seems the path forward is clear,” Darkness said with a nod. “I order you all to get some rest. We’ll have to clear out the moon, then try to figure out a way to build some sort of defense against Hans.”

Yunyun nodded soberly. “I-I’ll let my father know, and see if our engineers c-can come up with a plan, b-but, um, well…Megumin was the one who was best at designing doomsday weapons…and she has the best one…”

“Well, she’s sleeping it off, no sense having an insane explosion gremlin that’s also sleep deprived,” Kazuma sighed, getting unsteadily to his feet. “I’m bushed myself.”

Chris and Darkness took him back to their room, where Megumin was already snoring on the bed. For such a small individual, she was loud, even when she was sleeping.

“Sorry you two, but I actually need some sleep,” Kazuma groaned, flopping onto the bed beside Megumin.

“That’s OK, don’t mind us. Hmm, Darkness, sweetie, you and I haven’t got to play in a couple of days…” Chris said. “We just can’t be too loud.”

“W-well, I, ah, we really should get some rest…”

“Now, is that any way to talk to your mistress, dog?”

“No, mistress! I-I will obey…”

Despite how sexy that sounded, Kazuma ended up passing out next to Megumin, overly drained from his exertions.

He was awoken by a loud tone from the speaker, jerking up on the bed, Megumin sitting up beside him. On his other side, Darkness stirred, with Chris yawning and stretching from where she’d been laying half atop Darkness.

“Hi guys!” Aqua’s chipper voice said. “Yunyun told me to tell you all when we were thirty minutes out, but I forgot! So, um, we’re three minutes out. Uh, better get ready! Because, ah, well…there’s a lot of bad guys coming our way…”

“Oh SHIT!” Kazuma gasped, hopping out of the bed. He was still half dressed, and he paused only to pull on his jumpsuit as he hopped towards the door. Behind him, the girls frantically got ready themselves, even as the ship began to shudder and alarms began to wail.

“Dammit, Aqua, you had one job!” Kazuma ranted, sprinting down the hall, his bare feet flapping on the deck. Chris somehow sprinted past him, moving fast enough to win an Olympic record, though she was dressed only in her underwear and a jacket. Then someone grabbed Kazuma around the waist, and he found himself being lugged under Darkness’ arm as she kept up with Chris. He was about to protest, but then he looked over and saw Megumin bristling as Darkness carried her along as well.

“...huh. You really are freakishly strong, aren’t you?” Kazuma mused, poking at Darkness’ rock hard abs.

“Ah! Do not do that, I am ticklish! A-and I wish you would not mock my body so… it is not the kind of humiliation I enjoy…”

“He is not mocking your overly muscled form, Darkness. I think the pervert actually enjoys it,” Megumin huffed. “I, however, did not ask to ride you like this! I shall make you pay later!”

“I-I shall look forward to it!” Darkness panted, probably more from excitement than exertion as she ran into the hanger, where Aqua was waving frantically at them.

“We’re under attack, help!” she wailed.

“We would, you useless moron, if you’d woke us up in time!” Kazuma snapped as Darkness set him down.

There was the pounding of feet behind him, and he turned around just in time for someone to run smack into him, bowling him over. When his head cleared, he was looking up at a mortified Yunyun, who was half dressed herself and wearing only a white t-shirt that hung down just far enough to mostly cover her modesty.

“Ah! S-sorry! Ow! Megumin, I said sorry, d-don’t hit me!”

“Hands off, he’s mine!” Megumin growled.

“Now is not the time,” Kazuma groaned, stumbling to his feet as Darkness hauled him up. “Come on, let’s do this!”

He hurried over to his mecha, strapping himself in and lowering the canopy. Moments later, he was shot out of the barrier protecting it from the outside vacuum, and into chaos.

Mecha and fighter craft zipped through a hellscape full of blossoming explosions, burning lasers, and an increasing amount of debris of dead and dying craft. The Crimson Demon Clan were out in force, and their mecha were utterly dominating the field. Kazuma watched as one pilot used a polearm with glowing plasma beams on each end to duel three enemy mecha at once, slicing one in half, and decapitating another. It did take a shot from the third, but then it plunged the tip of its weapon into the enemy mecha, which exploded in a satisfying fashion. Kazuma suspected that it implanted a charge to make the enemy mecha do that, not just for the overkill, but for the drama.

Still, they were outnumbered ten-to-one, as the Crimson Demon Clan had never been numerous. Two enemy fighter craft flew at Kazuma, their laser mounts blasting away at him and scouring the Lagaan’s armor.

“Ahh! Shit!” Kazuma gasped, trying to get out of the way, but he was slow and clumsy in comparison. He thought he was doomed, until a green shadow decloaked behind the two fighters, spraying them down with plasma fire.

“What’s this, a damsel in distress? Fear not, the hero is here!” Chris said cheerfully, zipping towards Kazuma. “You ready for another fusion, big guy? Cause we’ve got a high score to set!”

“Let’s do it,” Kazuma agreed, and reached out to slam the Button That Causes Shenanigans. Only, right as he was about to hit it, for the second time that day, someone smacked into him from behind. Even as the Laagan merged with its unintended target, Kazuma already knew where this was going.

“First of all,” he said before he’d even fully become aware of his surroundings, “I would like to point out that I am entirely innocent in all this.”

“W-what!?” Yunyun gasped, looking up at Kazuma with wide, startled eyes. It turned out she did not get a new outfit, and was still just wearing the low cut T-shirt, which was now hiked up to reveal she was wearing a very girly pair of pink panties. Nice. “K-Kazuma, what did you-”

“KAZUTRASH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOLESTING MY RIVAL!? I WILL RIP YOU RIGHT OUT OF THAT MECHA AND PUNT YOU INTO THE NEAREST GRAVITY WELL! YUNYUN, I SWEAR, IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT MY MAN WRONG I WILL MAKE YOU RUE THE DAY THAT THE PUBERTY FAIRY CURSED YOU WITH SUCH OVERDEVELOPED MAMMARIES WHEN I MAKE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON THEM!”

“Yeah, rant at me later, trying not to die now!” Kazuma said as Megumin continued to rant, reaching out and grabbing the joysticks that were, of course, placed atop Yunyun’s Yunyuns.

He scanned the weapons readout and the various statistics on the mecha, and whistled. This wasn’t as fast as Chris’ mecha, as durable as Darkness’s, or as over gunned as Megumin’s, but Yunyun’s mecha had solid ratings in every category. The lowest was in melee combat, as it seemed there was only a single vibro knife for that, but there were long ranged missiles, plasma cannons, two long range giant lasers in the chest of course, and a short ranged lightning gun.

“Wow, now this is a mecha to impress,” Kazuma mused.

“A-ah! K-Kazuma, um, I didn’t mean to-” Yunyun stammered, but Kazuma ignored her.

“Sorry, saving our lives.” He hit the jets even as plasma bolts flew through where they had been. “Get me a targeting solution on those foes!”

“Ah, ah, t-tracking-oh, this feels very odd…um, I think I have target locks…”

“FIRE!” Kazuma said, depressing the trigger and making Yunyun let out a loud squeak. The mecha shuddered slightly as the missiles launched, and moments later, three enemy mecha vanished in balls of flame.

“Megumin, calm down. He just fused with her, he didn’t sleep with her,” Chris said. “Focus and pick your target. Make it count, you only have one shot.”

“What a villain, cheating on all three of us before our very eyes! I, ah, ooo, Kazuma, can you record it? I-I want to watch later,” Darkness urged.

“Your Grace!” Yunyun squeaked. “I-I am barely clothed! A-and Kazuma, um, i-it looks worse t-than it is b-but-”

“That sounds even better! Kazuma, Kazuma, you are recording this, right?!”

“NTR is a trash fetish, Darkness,” Kazuma said, despite the fact that he knew of several excellent doujins with just that label. “Of course I am.”

Yunyun wailed, until Kazuma gave her a firm squeeze. “Stay alert! You are the mecha now, Yunyun! Now show me what a real Crimson Demon is like!”

“A REAL CRIMSON DEMON!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!?” Megumin snarled.

“Aren’t you like a super cool mysterious exile or something?” Kazuma said, trying to focus as a group of six mecha came at him. He had to keep them far away, but even with Yunyun’s firepower it was hard. She did her job well though, instantly identifying threat priority and recommended which weapons to use. He sprayed them down with laser fire, then finished off the stragglers with well placed plasma shots as he danced just out of their range but within his own engagement envelope.

“Hmph. We will talk about this later, Kazutrash.” With that, a brilliant beam of burning light flashed through the battlefield and destroyed two large enemy gunboats that had been moving to engage their own motherships. Then, of course, Megumin’s mecha shut down, and was towed back to the ship by Aqua’s support crew.

The battle raged on for several more minutes, but Megumin’s blow had broken the back of the enemy forces. Most of them retreated back down to the planet, pursued by several Clan members, though Kazuma and company stayed near their ships.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad. We win now, right?” Kazuma said over the radio.

“N-no,” Yunyun whimpered, trying to pull her shirt down and failing spectacularly. “T-that could only have been a fraction of their forces. W-we’ll have to go down to the planet.”

Kazuma sighed and nodded. “Right, of course it’s not easy. So we still have to fight off the minions here, then go deal with Hans before he arrives and corrupts the entire water supply.”

“Um yeah, pretty much. Ah, Kazuma?”

“Yes?”

“C-can you take your hands off my b-boobs now, please?”

Giving one last squeeze, he sat back, sighing. “Yeah, the fusion should end right about-”

The two mecha split apart with Kazuma drifting in space and feeling the same sense of lassitude he usually did after a fusion. He drifted for a moment, until something flashed across his screen. He let out a yip, right as the Lagaan slammed against the surface of the Axis Queen.

“Hey Kazuma,” Chris said, her tone bright and cheery, but her eyes full of menace. “We need to talk.”

Kazuma swallowed and smiled nervously, but Chris dragged him back to the hanger in a silent rage.

Once inside, Kazuma hurried out to find Chris whispering furiously with Darkness, who was blushing and looking nervous as the much smaller woman stood on her tiptoes and hissed angrily. He also saw Yunyun getting out of her mecha, but she blushed furiously when she saw him and scampered off without a word.

“There you are!” Chris said, whirling on Kazuma, her nostrils flaring slightly. “Right. What the HELL did you think you were doing!?”

“Hey, I meant to fuse with Darkness, it just-”

“I don’t want to hear excuses! If you screw this up for me, bud, there will be a world of hurt for you!” Chris snarled.

Kazuma blinked. “Wait, screw this up for you?”

“Ugh, we need to have this conversation in private. But just know, I sort of understand. I’m mad this has happened again, but I sort of understand. But Megumin? Oh, she most DEFINITELY does NOT understand. I’ll try to keep her from killing you, but if she does I promise to have Aqua resurrect you so I can do it myself.”

Heart full of trepidation, Kazuma followed Chris back to their quarters. As soon as he stepped inside, he had to duck, as a vase crashed against the bulkhead behind him.

“TRAITOR! CHEATER! SCUM!” Megumin raged, grabbing a glass and raising it. She had an entire line of hurlable and very breakable objects arranged as ammunition, and she was in a full red faced fury.

“Woah! Wait, I told you, it was an-”

“Megumin,” Darkness said, crossing quickly and picking the smaller girl up by her collar. “Do not break our possessions just because you are upset.”

“UPSET!? UPSET!? I AM FAR BEYOND UPSET! HE DIDN’T JUST CHEAT WITH ANYONE, HE CHEATED WITH MY BEST FRIEND!” Tears of rage and pain leaked down Megumin’s cheeks, and she glared furiously at Kazuma.

“Uh, let’s just calm down,” Kazuma said, then cried out as Chris walloped the back of his head.

“Telling a woman to calm down never helps, idiot. Now sit down and listen as she explains why she’s mad. Do not say a word,” Chris ordered, pointing to a chair.

Kazuma sat down, and once Darkness had calmed Megumin enough for her to quit wiggling, she sat down as well, putting Megumin on her lap.

“Let go of me!” Megumin protested, struggling again.

“No. I will not have you maiming Kazuma. If you must take out your anger, do so on me,” Darkness said firmly.

Megumin responded by turning around and biting Darkness right on the nose, then slapping her hard on both cheeks. “How could you!? You ENCOURAGED him! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel!?”

“I…I confess, I am not certain…you did not seem to mind sharing him with Chris and I,” Darkness said slowly.

“You are not Yunyun, and I also get to sleep with you,” Megumin hissed. Then she flung herself on Darkness and started bawling her eyes out.

Darkness carefully hugged Megumin, rubbing her back. “It’s alright. Let it all out.”

“I, uh, I think I’m getting the picture,” Kazuma said, then squawked when Chris slapped him on the wrist with a rolled up newspaper. Where had she gotten a copy of the Tokyo Times!?

“No talking, only listening,” she said sweetly.

Kazuma grumbled, but folded his arms and waited for the water works to stop.

“Yunyun has been my rival, what you outsiders would call a best friend, since we were old enough to walk,” Megumin said through sniffles and hiccups, blowing her nose loudly into Darkness’ jumpsuit, which seemed to excite the other woman.

“I was always better than her at target practice and weapons building, but she was better at hand to hand combat. We always competed over everything. She was the daughter of the chief, I was the daughter of the biggest pair of losers in the clan. My parents are always screwing up their projects and misappropriating funds. Sometimes Komekko and I would go hungry because…nevermind.”

Kazuma felt sick, but held his silence, nodding slowly along.

“Then puberty hit and…and Yunyun became beautiful! You have seen her breasts! They are huge! I got pimples, she always had perfect skin. I was short and my hair was always a mess, hers was long and silky and she’s five centimeters taller than I am. The boys and girls always wanted to date her, even Outsiders! But never me…Then I ran away from home, and it was stupid Yunyun who ‘rescued’ me six months later!”

Megumin let out an angry sob, and shook her head. “She’s just…she’s better than me at almost everything! And now…and now she’s stealing the man who I thought I had!”

Chris nodded, and turned to Kazuma and Darkness. “Look. This arrangement does not mean you two randy bastards get to screw whoever you want. The more people you add to a harem the harder it is to balance and maintain. We do NOT let someone else in, not unless ALL of us agree, and I don’t think that’s happening any time soon.” Chris paused. “Unless it’s Aqua.”

“NO!” Kazuma said immediately, and Chris shrugged.

“Fine, vetoed. She’s ace anyway, I’m certain. Look, my point is, I wouldn’t even bang Aqua if I got the chance unless I talked it over with all of you and we agreed to share her and she was cool with that. But clearly, Kazuma can’t keep it in his pants and keeps fusing with other people.”

“I keep telling you that it’s not on purpose! Do you think anyone in their right mind would fuse with Mitsurugi!?”

There was a pause, and Megumin let out a snort, then a giggle. “I certainly wouldn’t. But even I’ve wanted to make love to Yunyun.”

Kazuma’s eyebrows shot up, but Megumin glared at him. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” he said quickly.

“I do not want her as a part of this group! She is just…” Megumin looked forlorn down at herself, and cupped her own breasts. “...everything I’m not.”

“We think you’re beautiful,” Darkness said, and Kazuma and Chris voiced their agreement.

“R-really?” Megumin asked, her voice very small.

Darkness kissed her again, then said in a husky voice. “I want you to beat me up until you feel better, then we’ll make love until both of us howl.”

Megumin considered that, then balled up a fist and punched Darkness square in her solar plexus. Darkness just moaned in pain.

“You two, uh, do that,” Chris said. “I’m getting some food. You are too, right Kazuma?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess. And, well…I should apologize to Yunyun I suppose…”

“You should call her a fat hag!” Megumin spat.

“You don’t mean that,” Chris sighed.

“No, I don’t. Just…ugh. Tell her you’re sorry and that it won’t happen again because you love me!” Megumin said, then slapped Darkness again, much to Darkness’ delight.

Kazuma and Chris stepped outside as the beatings continued until morale improved. Kazuma gave Chris an uncomfortable smile. “Look, I’ll delete the recording and stuff, I just…”

“I’d say keep it because Yunyun’s a hottie, but you know what it means to Megumin. And just so you know, I am not into NTR. You damn pervert,” Chris sighed. She grabbed Kazuma and dragged him towards the mess hall. “Come on. The sooner you apologize, the sooner this is all over.”

“Yeah,” Kazuma agreed, though a feeling in the pit of his stomach warned him that things were just getting started.

And not just because a giant slime monster was coming to kill them all.