Dark Legend of Potter, Chapter 49 (Patreon)

As the hall descended into panic and bedlam even as the professors ushered everyone out, Megumin grabbed onto Ron and Darkness’ robes.

“Ronald. Darkness. We must speak,” she growled, her eyes glowing a baleful red, visible even through the magical darkness.

“You don’t have to say a thing,” Ron growled. “That was my little sister the snake took!”

“Well, don’t just stand there,” Hermione said, giving Megumin a shove from behind. “Get a move on!”

Megumin raced out of the grand hall, dodging the panicked students and professors trying to herd them as she and her friends scrambled through the chairs and tables to the hall outside.

“Right then,” Hermione said once they had reached a deserted hallway. She adjusted her costume, and gave everyone a grave look. “We all know what we must do?”

Darkness went over to one of the suits of armor, and tapped it on the shoulder. “I’ll be taking that.”

“Right you are then,” the haunted armor said, and handed Darkness the longsword it had been holding. She nodded and turned to salute with the blade. With the knightly tabard and chainmail Aqua had made her for the play, she actually looked like a semi competent knight. Looks can be deceiving.

“Very well, then we shall plunge the depths of the Chamber of Secrets, rescue Yunyun and Ginny, and write our name as heroes for all time!” Megumin declared, raising her wand on high. Chunchumaru helpfully let off a small gout of flame. For a wand, he had an excellent sense for the dramatic.

“Right then,” Ron said, nodding and cracking his knuckles. “Where are we off to?”

Hermione opened her mouth and raised a finger, then cocked her head to one side. She turned to Megumin, looking confused. “Where ARE we off to?”

“To the Chamber of Secrets!” Darkness declared, raising her sword in the air. Then she looked at Megumin. “Uh, where is the Chamber, exactly?”

“Um, uh…” Megumin blushed, looking around. “It’s, er-”

“It’s in the Second Floor Girl’s bathroom!”

All four turned to see Aqua march out into the hallway, Kazuma, Dust, and Draco following along after her.

“Hey, what are you four doing here?” Kazuma demanded, pointing at Ron. “We’re going to save our little sister!”

“She’s MY little sister you knob!” Ron snarled, raising his wand and pointing it at Kazuma.

“Save your posturing for the serpent, Weasley,” Draco sneered. He looked rather pale, but he also wasn’t slithering off to hide in a hole somewhere, which proves once and for all that Draco is, in fact, better than Gilderoy Lockhart. At least in this AU.

“Wait, hold on. How do YOU know where the Chamber of Secrets is?” Hermione demanded of Aqua.

“I read it in the book, duh. Now are you guys going to help me rescue my new bestie Luna or not!?” Aqua huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you SURE that's where the Chamber is?” Kazuma demanded. “Because this had better not be like that whole chicken thing!”

“SHUT UP, EMPEROR ZEL IS A GREAT DRAGON!” Aqua wailed, bursting into tears and stomping her foot in a fit of pique.

“Shouldn’t it be Empress Zel? Cause it’s a girl and all?” Dust asked.

“Shut up, Dust,” everyone chorused.

“Well, Aqua has our best lead,” Hermione said. “Let’s go check.”

“Well hold on, you can go into the girl’s loo, but we can’t!” Ron said, motioning to himself and the rest of the boys. They all nodded seriously, clearly seeing this as a major obstacle.

The girls all gave the boys disgusted looks, and turned their backs.

“Well, then you big brave boys can just wait outside while we rescue our friends,” Megumin huffed, and walked away, the other girls trailing along behind her.

“Wait, hold on, I’m not just letting you rescue my sister without me!” Kazuma and Ron shouted at the same time. They glared at one another, but went after the girls anyway. Dust, not wanting to be left behind, went after then, and a moment later Draco followed, muttering under his breath.

“Don’t worry, girls are gross in the WC but it’s not that bad. You just vanish the hair and it’ll be fine,” Dust confided to Draco.

“Hair? HAIR!? Aren’t you worried about the great bloody snake!?” Draco asked.

“What? No! I mean, it’s basically a legless dragon, right? I reckon it’ll be brilliant to fight. Maybe I can capture it and it’ll let me ride it!” Dust said eagerly.

“Yeah, we just have to worry about…you know,” Draco jerked his head towards the girls, a certain red eyed menace in particular.

“What, them? Nah, probably not. Unless they need to use the loo? Actually, that’s probably a good idea before you go on an adventure. Don’t have to worry about wetting yourself that way,” Dust mused.

“Wetting myself?! What do you think I am, nine!?” Draco demanded a bit too loudly.

“Nine? Were you seriously still wetting the bed at NINE? I stopped doing that when I was out of nappies,” Ron said, sounding disgusted.

“S-shut up! I mean, seven!” Draco said, flushing. “It was just the one time!”

That got a snigger out of the other boys, and an eye roll from the girls.

“Is this seriously what boys talk about when it’s time for an adventure?” Hermion said, sounding completely disgusted.

“I-I also wet the bed until I was seven,” Darkness said, flushing bright red. “I-it is shameful, b-but my grandmother assured me it was not uncommon.”

“You can stay back with the minions then,” Megumin said, pointing back to the boys.

“Well, my parents are doctors, and my research does indicate that it’s perfectly normal for children to wet the bed until age five. It may reoccur during times of stress, such as during trouble at school or a sudden change in the child’s routine,” Hermione pontificated.

“Aren’t your parents DENTISTS? What, did you get a B on a test and wet the bed in sheer terror?” Kazuma demanded.

“I-I did not!” Hermione sputtered.

“Goddesses don’t wet the bed. We don’t have to pee,” Aqua added helpfully.

“Right, that’s it, now I have to go,” Dust said as they reached the lavatory. “And you’d all better go before we go on an adventure.” He pushed open the door and headed in, walking towards one of the stalls.

“Wait! You can’t go in here! This is the girls loo!” Megumin protested, trying to block Dust from entering.

“Yeah, so? We’re already gonna be in trouble for chasing after the giant snake. Besides, there are stalls. You won’t see anything,” Dust pointed out.

“B-but…it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing!” Hermione protested.

“A-actually…I  have to go too now,” Megumin admitted, blushing.

“Do we ALL have to go?” Kazuma asked, suddenly shifting uncomfortably.

Everyone but Aqua nodded, looking rather ashamed.

“I don’t,” Aqua said smugly.

“Don’t blame us if you wet yourself later then,” Dust said with a shrug, earning an offended squawk from Aqua.

Despite there being six stalls, the girls insisted that all the boys had to use the same one, as they would obviously contaminate the one they did use.In spite of that, the boys still finished first, and waited around rather impatiently, making rude remarks.

After everyone had washed their hands (with a not so helpful reminder from Hermione) they all stood near the sinks, looking about.

“So, where is it?” Kazuma asked, looking around.

“In the sinks,” Aqua said, frowning at the basins. “One’s a snake and you have to talk to it.”

“A snake? How could you talk to a snake?” Hermione asked, sounding disgusted.

“BWAH-HA-HA! Once more, my incredible powers and status as the chosen of destiny comes to the forefront!” Megumin bragged, posing dramatically and hastily putting on an eye patch. “For I, Megumin, can speak the tongue of serpents!”

“Well that’s convenient. I still don’t see any hidden entrances,” Kazuma complained.

Megumin ignored him and went over to examine the sinks one by one, until she found one with a small serpent carved into the spigot. She stepped back, posed, and began dramatically hissing. The others all gasped and waited…and waited…and waited…

“Megumin, what are you saying to it?” Hermione asked, sounding suspicious.

“I am telling it of my dark and terrible lineage, and various phrases I would use as a password, such as ‘darkness beyond twilight’ or ‘the sign of the serpent is death!’ I am certain that I will have it soon!”

“But, I’m pretty sure the password is just ‘open’ in snake,” Aqua said.

“Oh great, so it’s one of those stupid riddle things where the answer is lame and obvious,” Kazuma sighed.

“What!? No, I refuse! It has to be some sort of dark and mysterious password. Just saying ‘hsshss’ is-”

Behind Megumin, the sink suddenly gave out a loud creek, then slowly sank into the floor as the wall behind it swung aside, revealing a hidden passage, along with a sign.

“WELCOME, FRIENDS! THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS IS OPEN TO EVERYONE!”

The sign was brightly painted, and had stenciled on it the smiling faces of several girls that appeared to be Yunyun, Lavender, and Luna, along with an unknown boy and a cute looking snake. There were various flowers on the sign as well, as well as the symbol of the USSR.

Not the hammer and sickle, but a half moon and bundle of flowers. That looked suspiciously like a hammer and sickle, but you can’t win them all.

“A-are we going to have to climb into a dank, slimy sewer, covering ourselves in slime and filth, while risking grievous injury?” Darkness asked, stepping forward to peer into the dark hole.

“Don’t sound so excited about it,” Kazuma said, making a face.

“I-I am not! I-I was simply wondering, if, um…well, it c-could be dangerous, and the thought of getting so filthy is-”

“Sordesi obicwe,” Hermione said, waving her wand over Darkness. She nodded in satisfaction. “There. That will keep all the muck and grime off you.”

“O-oh. Um…thank you…” Darkness said, looking utterly deflated as Hermione instructed the others on how to perform the charm.

Aqua quietly went over to Darkness, resting her hand on Darkness’ back. “Dispel.”

There was a faint flash as the charm on Darkness suddenly vanished, and she gasped, looking at Aqua and blushing furiously.

“I know you like getting dirty. It’s OK. All kinks are OK in Axis Cult. That’s totally why you should convert!”

“Um, er…Thank you?” Darkness said, looking at the hole with rising excitement. She stepped forward, gripping her sword. “I shall go first! Should there be any foes below, I will face them!”

“Wait, Darkness, as the hero it’s my job to-” Megumin began, but it was too late. Darkness leapt into the tube with a squeal of delight, and vanished from sight.

“Well, nothing for it then, lads,” Dust said, stepping forward. As the off-tank, he knew what he had to do. “Tally Ho!”

Kazuma stepped up to the lip, listening as Dust hooted with delight all the way down. He put a hand to his ear, listening. “Hey! If you’re dead, don’t say anything.”

“‘M alright!” Dust’s muffled voice called back.

Kazuma straightened and nodded. “Right then, who’s next? I’ll hold up the reeeeeeeaaarrrrr!”

“Wanker,” Megumin muttered, turning and grinning at Ron. They exchanged a high five, both of them having shoved Kazuma into the tube at the same time.

“Right then. Just remember, Ron, it’s not spiders,” he muttered to himself, then pinched his nose and jumped in right after Megumin.

When they got to the bottom, they found Darkness sulking, with Dust looking around eagerly. The landing area was well lit with several lanterns, and had clearly been carefully cleaned. There was even a small table with a vase full of flowers, and a small book with a quilt beside a little sign that said “Guest Book.”

“You know, I’m starting to wonder if any one’s actually in danger,” Hermione said dubiously. “This looks an awful lot like they want to be down here.”

“Don’t be dumb! It’s clearly the Diary Horcrux,” Aqua said. When everyone turned to look at her with baffled looks, she elucidated. She wouldn’t have used that word though, too hard. “Voldemort’s Diary is possessing Ginny! Or maybe all of them? Anyway, the Serpent of Slytherin is the big basilisk and it’s been petrifying people and now it’s kidnapped them to drain their life essence to bring Voldemort back to life!”

“A-HA! I KNEW IT!” Megumin hooted triumphantly. “Once more, my fearsome foe has arrived for our yearly epic confrontation! Though, it is a bit early. We’re only halfway through the year. Really, it’s quite rude. He should have waited until much closer to exams.”

“Keep it down!” Kazuma hissed, wincing and looking around in fear. “There’s still a huge ass snake down here that wants to eat us!”

Hermione raised her hand, looking baffled. “But, professor, no one’s been petrified.”

“Oh. Uh, that’s because as a super amazing goddess, my genius tactics and constant vigilance has ensured that no one got petrified!” Aqua said, nodding in satisfaction at her brilliant deduction.

“Regardless, we must seek out the Dark Lord once more, that I may defeat him! Onwards, to victory!” Megumin decreed, pointing her wand.

“Don’t you remember what happened last time?!” Ron demanded, smacking Megumin’s arm down.

“Yes, I unleashed a glorious Explosion and laid low Voldemort once more!” Megumin cackled.

“And where are we now?” Ron demanded, planting his hands on his hips and glaring at Megumin.

“In the Chamber of Secrets, a dungeon most vile!”

“Uh huh. And what bloody well happens if you blow us up UNDERGROUND!?” Ron asked.

“Oh. Uh…” Megumin blushed and trailed off. “Well, you see, um, we did survive last time, sooooo…”

“Yeah, no. I’m with Ron on this one. No Explosions underground. I ain’t dying down here!” Kazuma vowed.

“Look, it’s my duty as the hero to face off with my foes, besides, Chunchumaru was upset that he didn’t get to help me last time!” Megumin said, clutching her want to her breast.

“You’re not blowing us up again you chuuni maniac!” Kazuma snarled, coming over and trying to rip her wand away from here.

“STOP! POLICE! HELP! I’M BEING OPPRESSED!” Megumin wailed.

“SHHHH!” Darkness hissed, clamping a hand over Megumin’s mouth as Draco and Dust grabbed Kazuma and hissed at him to be quiet.

“If you keep making so much noise, we’ll-” Hermione began, but then, she paused. “Oh no.”

Down the tunnel to the right, they could hear the echoing sound of footsteps coming towards them.

“Well, as an experienced Adventurer, I know exactly what to do in this situation!” Aqua said brightly.

“What’s that?” Dust asked.

“RUN AWAY! AAAAAAH, KAZUMA, HEEEEEELP! I DON’T WANNA GET EATEN BY A SNAKEEEEEEE!” Aqua screamed as she threw up her hands and raced down the opposite side of the tunnel.

The rest of the children booked it after her, with Darkness lugging Megumin along slung over one shoulder.

“Let me go! It’s my destiny! I can take them! Just one Explosion, a small one!” Megumin begged.

“No, it is my duty to act as our shield, and even I do not relish the idea of being trapped in a cave in and seeing all my friends crushed to death,” Darkness grunted. “Perhaps if I were alone and a nefarious villain…no! I will not let you die needlessly.”

The entire group ran recklessly down the increasingly dark tunnel for several minutes, until they were stumbling along in the pitch black.

“Lady Aqua, I can’t see anything!” Luna gasped, her voice sounded ragged from all the running.

“Neither can I, can we risk a light?” Ron asked.

“It’s better than falling and hurting ourselves,” Hermione sighed, raising her wand. “Lumos!”

“Thanks,” Luna said, bending over and gasping for breath. “I fell and skinned my knee back there.”

“Right, where are we, exactly?” Draco gasped, looking around the brick walls.

“Wait, hold on! Luna!? What are YOU doing here?” Kazuma demanded, pointing at the supposedly kidnapped girl.

“Well, running away I suppose,” Luna said, putting a finger to her lips. “Though I’m not really clear on what. I just thought, ‘if Lady Aqua is running away, then I should too.’ After all, the Axis Cult says ‘Sometimes running away is winning!’”

“Yep! And that’s why Luna is my favorite character!” Aqua said, giving the girl a big hug.

“No, I mean, why is she HERE with us!? Weren’t you kidnapped?!” Kazuma demanded.

Luna nodded seriously. “Yes, once, when I was at the zoo, I was kidnapped by a blibbering humdinger at the crocodile exhibit. It was some time before I was found by my parents and rescued.”

“No, you weren’t with us, we’re supposed to rescue you!” Megumin argued from her place on Darkness’ shoulder. “Go back and be a proper hostage!”

“Oh, well, OK,” Luna said, and turned around to walk back down the passage.

“No! Don’t just wander off, we’re supposed to be rescuing you!” Hermion said in exasperation, grabbing the back of Luna’s robe.

“Really? From what?” Luna asked, her tone and eyes completely vacant.

“From the basilisk and Voldemort!” Megumin explained.

“Where’s Ginny?! Where’s my sister!?” Ron said, seizing the front of Luna’s robe and shaking her.

“I-In the p-party r-room,” Luna said as her head rattled back and forth.

Ron stopped, looking baffled. “In the what?”

“The party room. You know, where we were waiting for everyone to come, now that we’ve opened the Chamber of Secrets. I was just going up to open the secret passage and hand out brochures,” Luna said, holding up a stack of cards.

“Let me see that,” Draco snapped, grabbing a card from Luna. He read over it, then lowered it, completely confused. “Wait, who’s ‘Sylvia’ and ‘Tom?’ This is just a flier for Yunyun’s club.”

“Well,  yes. Why do you think we’re down here?” Luna asked.

“Because you were kidnapped by the Serpent of Slytherin and his master, Voldemort!” Megumin said eagerly. She hit Darkness on the shoulder, looking irritated. “Put me down! My time of glory is at hand!”

“Are you telling me that none of you are actually in danger at all?” Hermione asked, putting a hand over her eyes in exasperation.

“Well, I suppose if you’re lactose intolerant, the ice cream might bother you,” Luna mused. She turned to Ron. “Ginny isn’t lactose intolerant, is she?”

“What the bloody hell is lactose intolerance?” Ron demanded.

“Well Ron, you see, the lactase enzyme is produced by your body to break down Lactose, a sugar found in milk,” Hermione explained. “Most people of caucasian descent possess it, but certain populations such as indigenous peoples and those of asian decent-”

“NO ONE CARES!” several people shouted at once, causing Hermione to start to pout.

“So you mean my sister is down here having an ice cream party while I was worried sick about her?!” Ron said, sounding more than a little angry.

“Well, you can have some ice cream too, if it makes you feel better. We have cake as well,” Luna offered.

Ron made several sputtering noises, and the others groaned.

“Well, we’re already down here. May as well,” Draco sighed. “Come on, show us where Yunyun and the others are.”

“Yay! I’m so glad you’re all joining the USSR!” Luna skipped off down the dark tunnel, humming happily to herself.

“This is isn’t fair. I’m being denied my rightful dramatic duel of destiny,” Megumin muttered, now allowed to walk on her own.

“Cheer up. We’ve months left until exams. I’m sure you’ll have a chance before then,” Ron told her, which improved Megumin’s mood dramatically.

They all marched down the tunnel, with a pause for everyone to sign in at the guest book on Luna’s insistence, save for Megumin who refused on the general principle that ‘it was a stupid name for a club.’ Then they made their way through a much better lit corridor, until they came to a wide chamber. At the back was a huge statue of a three headed serpent, but in the middle were several tables with red tablecloths and chairs, and another with pitchers of punch, a sheet cake, and melting tubs of ice cream.

“Megumin!” Yunyun squealed, jumping up from her place at one of the tables. She hurried over, beaming with happiness. “You came!”

“Of course I came, I thought you’d been kidnapped!” Megumin snapped, stomping her foot and glaring at Yunyun.

“‘Lo boys,” Ginny called, waving to them from where she was sitting, a plate of cake and ice cream half eaten before her. “About time you made it.”

“I was worried sick about you!” Ron and Kazuma said at the same time, shoving at one another to try to get there first.

“Thought you’d been kidnapped!”

“-just vanished, what was I supposed to think!?”

“-have to tell mum and dad you’d died, or maybe-”

“-supposed to think, with that great bloody snake carrying you off and-”

Ginny looked at the two boys hovering over her, red faced and shouting, then smiled sweetly and stood. She reached out, then grabbed both their ears and slammed their skulls together.

“What do you think I am, some sort of delicate princess?!” Ginny shouted as Ron and Kazuma rubbed their heads and glared at her sullenly. “I don’t need you to rescue me! The others had invited me for dessert after the show and I said yes! I didn’t realize we’d be going via snake and sewer pipe, but it was fine! I can take care of myself, thank you very much!”

With that, Ginny sat back down, stuck her fork in the cake, and took a big bite. She glared up at the boys, who were still rubbing their sore heads. “Oh do sit down and stop arguing about it!”

“Thanks, this looks great!” Dust said, having already served himself. He sat down next to Ginny, and took a big bite of ice cream. “Mmm, great stuff!”

Somewhat abashedly, everyone grabbed some food and drinks, taking seats around the tables. Lavender bustled about, serving Aqua and giving her the royal treatment. “I’m so glad you came, Lady Aqua! I just knew you’d be a big fan of our club!”

“Well, I like cake, and ice cream! Thanks, Lavender!” Aqua happily dug in, while the others started eating and chatting, the crisis apparently averted.

“Well, if I can’t have an epic duel, chocolate cake is fine I guess,” Megumin muttered, still sulking at her table with Yunyun.

“W-well, I know it was your favorite…it’s ok! I’m just glad you all came,” Yunyun said. She stood up, going over in front of the snake statue, where a giant cauldron stood. She clapped her hands, and the others looked up from their food.

“E-Everyone, welcome to the Grand Opening of the Chamber of Secrets!”

There was polite, if confused, applause, and Yunyun beamed happily. “As you all know, we are the Union of Spreading Social Reform, an organization dedicated to making friends and spreading harmony. To that end, we have two very special guests! Please give a warm round of applause in welcome to Sylvia the Basilisk, and Tom the Diary!”

The snake statue suddenly squirmed, grinding along the ground to the side and revealing an opening, through which came a blind folded basilisk, with the ghost of a boy of about 12 riding on her back.

“AAAAAAH!” Kazuma, Draco, and Aqua screamed in terror.

“HA HA! YES, MY TIME HAS COME!” Megumin cackled, drawing her wand.

“N-no! Wait!” Yunyun wailed, jumping in front of the basilisk and waving her hands frantically. “It’s not like that. She’s our friend!”

The basilisk nodded her head, which was when the newcomers noticed she had on a lacy blindfold.

“You made friends with one of the deadliest monsters in the entire world!?” Draco gasped, his hand over his still pounding heart.

“S-she’s not a monster, she’s very nice,” Yunyun said, huffing in indignation. Then she beamed, gesturing to the cauldron. “To that end, t-the USSR has brewed a special potion for Sylvia! We call it, the Reverse Animagus Potion!”

“You did what?” Hermion asked, blinking in shock.

“Wait, was that why you kept asking me about how to brew that weird potion?” Megumin asked, blinking in surprise.

Yunyun took out a pair of scissors, cutting off a lock of her hair, and dropping it in the cauldron. She gave it three quick stirs, then nodded and pointed. “There you go, Sylvia! Drink up!”

The snake stuck her muzzle into the cauldron obediently, draining it in a few quick gulps. Everyone watched, holding their breaths in anticipation.

After several seconds, Kazuma leaned back, looking disgusted. “Well? Is that it?”

“Um, just wait a moment,” Yunyun urged.

After a bit longer, Sylvia the Basilisk suddenly spasmed, twisting and writhing, her tail smacking into the walls and sending bits of rock and dust flying. The attendees all screamed, diving under tables and ducking for cover, save for Darkness, who surged forward, raising her sword.

“Back, foul beast! I shall not allow you too-OOOOO!”

The twitching tail slammed into Darkness, sending her flying into the wall, which she crashed into hard enough to crack stone and leave a faint outline around her.

“DARKNESS!” Kazuma screamed, and ran over as she slid down. “Are you OK?!”

“I…I am fine,” Darkness panted, slowly getting to her feet. She’d lost the sword, and was looking at the still spasming tail.

“Are you sure? Do you need anything?” Kazuma asked, sounding actually concerned.

“Yes! To do that AGAIN!” Darkness cried, and ran forward, right into the path of the tail. She was slammed right back into the same place in the wall, causing Kazuma to have to duck.

“You’re crazy,” Kazuma muttered as Darkness slid down and staggered to her feet. “You know that, right?”

“I-it is actually quite fun,  you should try it,” Darkness panted, a huge grin on her face.

“No way! You should have cracked a rib, or your skull!” Kazuma argued. He looked back at Sylvia, who had gone still, lying amidst the dust and debris. “Well, it’s over anyway. Looks like she’s dead.”

“NO!!! Sylvia!!!” Yunyun wailed, staggering out from under a smashed table and hurrying over. “I worked so hard, it can’t have failed!”

“It didn’t,” a slurred voice said, and the tail twitched.

Gasping, Yunyun stepped back, and the others cried out in surprise as a dark form rose up from the rubble.

“I…I am human,” Slyvia said, descending from on high. From the waist up, she was no longer a snake, but instead a giant, dusky skinned woman with violet eyes and- oh my.

“Dust, close your eyes!” Ginny snapped, reaching over and covering Dust’s eyes with her hand.

“You too, Kazuma,” Darkness insisted. “Do not violate that woman with your lustful gaze!”

Fortunately, being twelve, all the boys had blushed and closed their eyes of their own accord before they could get an eyeful, a decision they would look back on in later years and deeply regret.

“Um, uh, we, um, we maybe forgot about something,” Yunyun stammered, blushing as she looked at Sylvia’s obviously mammalian new features.

Grabbing a tablecloth, Hermione hastily ripped off a bit, and ran over. Waving her wand, she transfigured it into a blouse, which she handed to Sylvia. “Here, put this on.”

“Clothesss? For me?” Sylvia asked,  tears coming to her eyes. “Thanksss, I really aprisssiate-”

“Just put it on!” Hermione urged, and helped Sylvia dress herself.

“You!” Aqua suddenly cried, jumping up. “I should have recognized you, General Sylvia! It’s been…um…” Aqua paused to count on her fingers, but gave up after a moment. “A really long time! But I remember you, one of the Devil King’s generals!”

“What? That’ssss not…what are you talking about?” Sylvia asked in confusion.

“Aqua, she doesn’t work for V-Voldemort anymore, she’s our friend,” Yunyun said, making calming motions.

“MWAHAHAHAHAH! THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE ALL WRONG! FOOLS! YOU HAVE FALLEN RIGHT INTO MY TRAP!” the ghost boy cackled, floating down and grinning evilly at them all.

“Tom, what have I told you?” Yunyun said, sounding exasperated. “Just because you think you’re the ghost of Voldemort doesn’t mean-”

“AH-HA! MY NEMESIS!” Megumin said, springing up, a huge grin of delight on your face. “Now, let us duel!”

“Ho-ho! I have heard you defeated my future self, Megumin Potter, but I, Tom Marvelo Riddle, LORD VOLDEMORT! Shall be the victor this time!” the ghost bragged, popping a distinctively chuunibyo pose, and an equally mad smile on his face.

“Tom, just relax and-” Yunyun said, but Tom wasn’t slowing down.

“FOR YOU SEE! That guest book? IT WAS NONE OTHER THAN MY DIARY! BWAHAHAHAAHAHHAH!” Tom cackled.

“Oh no!” Aqua said, her hands flying to her face in horror.

Megumin, however, looked crestfallen. “That’s it? You got us to write in your stupid diary?”

“YES! MWAHAHAHAHHA!” Tom cackled.

“Tom, we all write in your diary,” Lavender said, sounding exasperated. “Who cares?”

“YES! But you see, THAT IS NO ORDINARY DIARY! IT IS-”

“A horcrux!” Aqua interrupted.

Tom paused, and turned to shoot a death glare at Aqua. “Do you mind? This is my dramatic moment! I cannot have my moment of triumph sullied by comments from the peanut gallery!”

“Oh, sorry,” Aqua said, and made a “go on” motion to Tom.

“Thank you. YES! IT IS MY HORCRUX!”

“NO!!!!!” Megumin wailed.

“What’s a horcrux?” Dust asked. “And can I take off the blindfold now?”

“What is- YES! Take off the blindfold!” Tom snapped. “You need to behold my triumph!”

Once everyone had removed their blindfolds, he continued. “A HORCRUX IS A HORRIBLE DARK ARTIFACT, ONE THAT I MANUFACTURED AT THE TENDER AGE OF 17!”

“You don’t look more than 13,” Hermione pointed out.

“SHUT UP! I, er, shrunk. Um, anyway, I CRAFTED THE HORCRUX!”

“How’d you do it!?” Megumin gasped.

Tom hesitated. “Er, well, I don’t really remember. I, um, I’ve sort of been losing some of my memories…BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! CLEARLY IT WAS A SUPER COOL RITUAL THAT MY GENIUS MIND INVENTED!”

“No, you learned it from Slughorn, who got it from Herpes the Foul or something,” Aqua said.

“What?! That’s not nearly- Slughorn!? The potions professor?! No, that can’t be right. I wouldn’t come up with something lame like a potion!” Tom whined.

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK! POTIONS ARE AMAZING!” Megumin shouted.

“Ugh, they’re so overplayed! No, a proper dark artifact! Yes, my diary clearly isn’t a potion, but a powerful relic! Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if I retrieved it from a forgotten tomb of an ancient and powerful magus during my many adventures!” Tom bragged.

“Actually, it says ‘Better Books’ on the inside of the cover,” Luna corrected. “I’m pretty sure that’s a muggle store.”

“I would never!” Tom huffed. “Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is, I’m a genius, and you have clearly all fallen for my diabolical plan, and are now at my mercy!”

“Wow. You’re so smart. You got us to sign a guest registry. Nice one, pal,” Kazuma said, giving Tom a thumbs up, which he quickly turned into another gesture, one that is quite rude.

“How dare-! Ugh, look, by writing in the diary, you’re now connected to it, you see? And I can drain your souls and bodies to bring myself back to life!” Tom explained, looking extremely put out.

“That’s more of a phylactery than anything else,” Megumin said with a shake of her head. “Also, that’s not how phylactery’s work.”

“Shows what you know! Liches are super cool!” Tom argued. “I should know, Miss Wiz is one and she showed me- NEVER MIND! Look, you’re all going to die now to fuel my rise to power, and that’s that. Um, sorry, Yunyun, I didn’t really want to, but…well, the road to world domination is one fraught with peril, and, well, some sacrifices must be made.”

“Tom! How could you!” Yunyun gasped, tears filling her eyes. “Why would you even-”

Looking away, Tom tried to hide his own tears. “I’m sorry. I just…I can’t be trapped as a ghost any more. I want to live, Yunyun. I just…if we could have been friends…”

Breaking down into tears, Tom snapped his fingers. All around him, the children collapsed, with Yunyun falling to the floor with a sigh.

“Masssster!” Sylvia wailed, lowering herself on her snakelike tail to pick up Yunyun’s fallen body. “How could you?!”

“It’s how it has to be, Sylvia. It’s alright, you can be my chief lieutenant as I march my forces to victory,” Tom said, sighing. He closed his eyes, and his form shimmered, then began to grow solid. “Yes…yes! I CAN FEEL IT! MY POWER IS SURGING, I SHALL-”

“CONFRINGO!”

Tom let out a squawk, jumping back as a red blast flew over his head, blowing a chunk out of the ceiling. He turned, stunned, and saw Megumin standing there, a triumphant grin on her face.

“What?! How!? My plan was fool proof!” Tom wailed. Proving that he just hadn’t had enough experience with this particular group of fools.

“I never signed your diary! My genius intellect warned me no to do so, and I was able to-”

“I thought you just said it was a dumb name for a club,” Aqua said, stepping up next to Megumin.

“I-I never said that!” Megumin protested. “I saw through his cunning plan! And how are you still up!? You signed!”

“Oh, I’m a goddess. The curse must be pretty weak, because I never even felt it. Obviously, such a weak curse could never affect me,” Aqua said with a shrug.

“It is not weak! It stopped everyone else!” Tom whined.

“You will releassssse my friendssss. NOW!” Sylvia roared, slamming her tail down, her eyes glowing malevolently.

“I-I can’t! Once the spell starts, there’s no way to stop it, short of me dying!” Tom said, flinching back.

“That can be arranged,” Slyvia hissed, spreading her arms wide and slowly lowering herself.

“Um, I- HEAR AND OBEY! THE KEY OF SLYTHERIN IS AMBITION OVER ALL!” Tom cried.

Sylvia screamed, putting her hands to her head. Then, slowly, she lowered them, her eyes dull and vacant. “I obey, master.”

“Hmph. I knew that little safeguard would be necessary,” Tom sniffed, becoming less and less translucent with every passing moment.

“Hear and obey! The key of Slytherin is ambition over all!” Megumin shouted.

Sylvia looked at her, a bit of drool leaking down one side of her mouth. “I hear and obey, mistress.”

“What!? You can’t, I’m the REAL Heir! Hear and obey! The key of Slytherin is ambition over all!”

“Yes, master, I-”

“Hear and obey! The key of Slytherin is ambition over all!”

“I obey, mistress…”

“ARRGH! There’s only one way to settle this!” Tom declared. He was fully real now, and bent down, taking Yunyun’s wand from her robe. He stood up, pointing it at Megumin. “A proper duel!”

“HA HA! YES! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!” Megumin cheered. “Stand aside, Aqua! My hour of glory is at hand!”

“Hmph. This time, I will not fail, Potter!” Tom bragged. The two of them hopped up on mounds of rubble, and posed.

“Now, I will unleash my mightiest spell!” Tom bragged. “You shall fall!”

“So shall I! Let us begin!

Hear me, Crimson Lord of Darkness!

Adrift upon the Sea of Chaos,

I call to thee, I ask this boon!”

“Oh, that’s a good one!” Tom said. “Hmm, I was just going to cast some Unforgivables, but I suppose a poem first wouldn’t hurt…”

Megumin ignored him, and continued to chant, even as glowing circles and swirling colors appeared around her.

And to thee I offer this pledge:

So all those in equal measure--

Fools that they are to block our path–

This was what she was made for. This was what she was born to do. She could see the power. Feel it. It was all around her, just waiting to be unleashed!

“Uh, Megumin, I don’t think that this is a good idea,” Aqua said, sounding a little worried. Megumin blocked her out, along with Tom, who was muttering various very bad poems under his breath.

Shall face destruction unconstrained

Grant me power,and unleash thine!

EXPLOSION!”

Megumin felt the wonderful surge of power, and grinned as Chunchumaru fired a massive blast.

Then, the color drained from everything, save for Aqua, and a figure with purple eyes and a feathered mantle appeared, even as Megumin saw her beautiful spell begin to engulf the entire tunnel around her.

“Hey Megumin, what’s up,” the stranger asked.

“Nothing, I have simply unleashed my most wondrous spell, once more defeating Voldemort!” Megumin bragged from her face down position on the floor.

The figure turned, studying the spell, which was just blooming into the heart of a new sun. “Right. Of course. OK, you can go back to regular time.”

Eris snapped her fingers, and Megumin fell out of the time bubble. Then she turned to Aqua, and slapped her. “WHAT THE HELL, AQUA!”

“Um, I can explain?” Aqua offered.

Eris glared at her, and Aqua deflated. “Ok, um, I sort of remembered…but it was too late, and er…well, you know how Megumin is…”

“Yeah…” Eris looked around, and shook her head. “Well, this is gonna be a TPK. Just as my quidditch career was really taking off….Dammit! I was going to get more dubs than Jordan!”

“Huh?” Aqua blinked, scratching at her head.

“Never mind. Look, I am not scrubbing this run yet. So, here’s what we’re gonna do…”