The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 53 (Patreon)

If Itsuki hadn’t knownknow better, he would have called the fact that the big dramatic final battle was to take place at North High ironicy. Instead, he decided it was simply thematically appropriate. He wasn’t sure what an actually ironic location would be, but the pedandant within him wouldn’t let him call this situation that. Even if it was the sort of weird logic that Haruhi would have enforced.

“Even when you’re not here, you guide us all,” Koizumi mused to himself.

“What was that? You want me to knife them all?”

Itsuki very carefully pasted a smile on his face and turned to the girl walking next to him. “No, Miss Asakura, we would prefer you knife our opponents, not your allies.”

“Hmm, OK, but I am going to insist on killing Kyon when this is all over. I need to protect Yuki!”

Well, that was a headache for Future Itsuki. Though considering some of the people he knew, that could end up being Past Koizumi. Well, not unless he had a mind wipe, but again, with the things that happened around him, not impossible.

“I like your spirit, Ryokou, but we’re not actually trying to kill Kyon. Save your stabbing for the Data Overmind and Sky Canopy, or maybe a sparringsparing session later!”

Right. Itsuki did his best to smile politely at Tsuruya. He had known something was up with her for a while, though even the most wild of guesses from the Organization hadn’t had “half blooded oni” on their bingo cards.

“Let’s try to focus on the mission at hand, shall we?” Itsuki said, smiling at the two girls.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, we’re super ready for this!” Tsuruya laughed, making Itsuki certain they were very much not ready for this.

But they had to try anyway.

They ended up splitting up and going to their separate classrooms, and Ituski steeled himself for what came next. He chatted amicably with some of his classmates as they filtered in, but then the bell rang and the nightmare began.

“Hey, what’s up? Your teachers are all at some sort of mandatory training event. I guess because of that incident a while back they think this is America or something and have to undergo an active shooter drill. Waste of time if you ask me. But anyway, I’m your substitute teacher for today. You can call me Mr. Sato. Don’t ask me how to write it; figure it out yourselves. It would amuse me. Anyway, let’s do attendance.”

Doing his best to smile through the pain, Itusuki watched as Kazuma the Elder scratched at himself and took attendance. He was dressed in a somewhat rumpled looking suit, not at all professional. Though, on second thought, that might be to hide the impressive number of weapons that Itsuki was fairly certain the man had on him. Despite being a middle aged office worker, it turned out that the man had not only a number of guns, but various bombs, knives, a short sword, and several other illegal things.

At the same moment, the various other adults were taking over as substitute teachers in the other classrooms, with Tiana in Ryoko’s class, and Thalia  teaching Emiri Kimidori’s class. A very fit looking janitor was mopping the hall somewhere, though Seiya had on makeup and glasses to try and disguise himself as it was fairly likely he would be recognized if he just showed up in his normal outfit.

The rest of the teachers were all on either the Organization’s payroll, or Tsuruya’s family’s. The only teacher that remained the same was Darkness, and it was upon her that the entire plan hinged.

Well, that and the fact that North High was full of a bunch of weirdos.

What it had come down to was that it was devilishly hard to track the movements of Kimidori, and the Data Overmind in general. If they tried to converge on the Data Overmind before or after school, who knew what would happen. But, there was enough weirdness at North High that their plan wouldn’t attract that much attention.

It all came down to when the Seniors were having PE. Itsuki made his excuses and moved towards the target site, with Kazuma excusing himself from the math block as well.

“Don’t sweat it kid, it’ll work,” Kazuma told Itsuki as they hurried towards the field.

Itsuki spared a moment to glare at Kazuma. “I know it will, it’s my plan. So long as you all carry it out, things will be fine.”

“Wow. I guess I had Main Character syndrome as bad as you do when I was in highschool. Or rather wasn’t,” Kazuma chuckled.

“Well, unlike you, I’ll get to stay in my world after I save it,” Itsuki snapped.

“Maybe. Just remember that when I got home tonight, I get to sleep with my goddess,” Kazuma said, giving the most shit eating grin Itsuki had ever seen.

He sputtered, but couldn’t come up with anything before they came to where Seiya was waiting.

“You ready?” Kazuma asked.

“I am perfectly prepared,” Seiya said.

“Good. Let’s do this and get our little girls back,” Kazuma declared.

That part confused Itsuki, but then it was too late. The fire alarm went off, all according to plan. The boys on the track field milled about confused for a moment, until the teacher herded them away. With the coast clear, the three of them sprinted for the gym where the girls were, and a glowing light could now be seen.

As they ran up, Tsuruya poked her head out the door, then opened it wide for them as they dashed in.

“Everything’s workin’ so far!” she said happily. “I gotta stay back so I don’t disrupt the divine energies, but you guys hurry in!”

Inside the gym they found Darkness putting Kimidori in a sleeper hold, with Ryoko kneeling on the floor beside them and watching with interest. The outline of the gym was glowing, and it was obvious that the painted lines for basketball and other sports had been turned into a magic circle. At either end, Thalia and Tiana stood, chanting a spell.

“So far, so good,” Koizumi said, smiling and putting his hands behind his back as he carefully walked forward.

“Not for long,” Kazuma said, slapping Itsuki on the back as he jogged by to where his wife was. “Get ready!”

Grunting, Itsuki reached into his pocket and pulled out an earpiece, which he turned on.

“Hostiles incoming,” crackled the voice of Mori. “Lots of them.”

“We’ll handle it,” Itsuki said, turning back to the door where a grinning Tsuruya already stood, rummaging in a gym bag. She pulled out a comically oversized mace, stepping out of the gym and twirling it with one hand.

“That’s what I wanted to hear!” Tsuruya cackled. “Come on, you bitches! BRING IT!”

A moment later, two blank faced girls charged the gym, moving faster than humanly possible. Though unlike with most people, calling them blank faced was not a figure of speech. Their faces lacked eyes, a mouth, or even a nose, though they did have ears. One had lavender hair, the other neon orange. They were both naked, but they had the anatomy of a barbie doll. They ran faster than a human could, but their motions were mechanical and unnatural.

Tsuruya charged to meet them, her flail flicking out and plowing into the first one. “HA HA HA HA!”

“Foolish,” Itsuki muttered, raising a hand and concentrating. A ball of energy quickly formed, and he pointed at the oncoming interface. “Fumoffu!”

His attack took the alien in the leg, and cartwheeled into the dirt, coming to a stop in a tangle of arms and legs. Having seen any number of horror movies, Itsuki did a double tap, blowing the alien in half, then looking around for more. Tsuruya was already fighting off three more aliens, her mace whirling about her as she jumped about, her motions those of a graceful but deadly predator. There was now a bright green horn growing out of her forehead, and the wind whipped around her as she moved.

More aliens approached, and Itsuki attacked again and again, using every trick he’d learned fighting the Celestials. Unlike those unwieldy titans though, these enemies were small, fast, and apparently interested in him now that he’d proven to be a threat. He was forced to divert some of his attention to forming a bubble of force around himself, as one of the aliens attacked with a strike that could have shattered steel.

He grunted, then unleashed a blast of energy. “Unquenchable Five Alarm Fire!”

The alien was blasted to pieces, leaving a spray of all too human looking blood, and making Koizumi wretch. He’d faced off against human opponents before, but he’d never actually killed anyone. Injured, yes, but this wasn’t the sort of fight where you pull your punches.

Somehow, one of the aliens dropped from the room, kicking Itsuki and his bubble hard enough that he was tossed to the side. His bubble bounced off the wall, and his face smacked into the forcefield. He lost concentration, and the bubble popped. He lay there, dazed, as the white haired alien girl spun about, launching a downward kick that should have crushed his skull like a melon.

“Bind!”

A steel cable snaked out, wrapping itself around the alien and binding her arms and legs to her side. She topped over, and Itsuki staggered to his feet, clutching his swelling face. There was a cut above his left ear, and it was bleeding. He felt a bit woozy, but he’d survive.

“Come here, Koizumi. Lesser Heal,” Kazuma said, grabbing Koizumi’s shoulder. The cut suddenly closed, and he stood, feeling much better.

“Thanks,” he managed, looking out to the field. There were now a dozen bodies at Tsuruya’s feet, though her school uniform was now stained with dirt and blood, half her green hair was blackened and burned, and she was covered in cuts and bruises. She fought on though, her insane laughter punctuated by the bone shattering impact of her morning star.

“Now there’s a girl who loves her work,” Kazuma said dryly, raising an honest to god bow.

“Where did you even get that?” Itsuki muttered, standing and raising a hand towards one of the aliens Tsuruya was fighting.

“You don’t carry a bow strung. Not that hard to hide a short recurve like this one. SNIPE!”

An arrow took the alien Itsuki had been about to take out in the knee, sending her to the ground. “You did that on purpose.”

“Shut up and fight. Banter is for after,” Kazuma lectured.

“You’re the one bantering,” Itsuki muttered, but kept on fighting. Behind him, he could hear the sounds of fighting from Hina and her friends as they took on more of the aliens. It felt like they’d been fighting for ages, but it hadn’t even been ten minutes yet.

Suddenly, the aliens that were attacking them froze and toppled over. Itsuki and Kazuma paused, watching them cautiously, but they didn’t even twitch as Tsuruya pulped several more of them with her mace.

“Kazuma, Kazuma!” Thalia’s voice called.

“That’s my name, honey,” Kazuma said, turning around. “You good?”

“I think so? Um, you’d better come check.”

Leaving the still giggling Tsuruya behind, Itsuki and Kazuma hurried back into the gym. The court was no longer glowing, and both Thalia and Tiana were kneeling on the ground, apparently winded and drained. Darkness had let go of Kimidori, who seemed to be unconscious on the ground. Ryoko was laying there as well, eyes open and breathing hard, her expression dazed.

“Did it work?” Itsuki asked, hurrying over to crouch by the humanoid interfaces.

Kazuma was supporting Thalia, and gave her a thumbs up as he helped her sit. “Nice one! The connection is severed?”

“Yeah, and their power is sealed,” Thalia said, nodding and looking like she’d just run a marathon, sweat streaking her forehead.

“Asakura?” Itsuki asked, putting a hand on the blue haired girl’s neck. Her pulse was racing, but strong.

“I feel…” she slowly sat up, hand to her forehead. But she was smiling. “Free! I’m…I’m free! I can do whatever I want now! I can finally kill Kyon!”

“That’s…nice. And Kimidori?” Itsuki prompted.

“So you’ll let me kill Kyon?” Asakura asked hopefully.

Itsuki almost suggested she kill Kazuma instead, but shook his head. “Sorry, that’s not an option. But what about Kimidori?”

“Oh, well, she’s fine. I think. But the Data Overmind was sort of split between us, and then…it shrank? I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not gone, I can sense the power but…there’s a barrier there.” Asakura shrugged. “Oh well.”

“Well, that’s one threat down,” Itsuki sighed. He stood, wiping his sweaty palms surreptitiously on his slacks. “Well, next up is-”

“You fools,” Kimidori groaned, stirring on the floor. “You utter fools…”

“None of that,” Darkness said firmly. “Your power is bound. You’re not quite a normal girl, but if you try anything-”

Kimidori’s hand shot out, grabbing Koizimi’s pants leg. Tears ran down her face, and he couldn’t quite read her expression. She looked angry, but also terrified?”

“I WAS HOLDING IT IN CHECK!” Kimidori screamed, spittle flying as she pounded one fist on the hardwood floor. “NOW YOU’VE DOOMED THIS PATHETIC PLANET, AND ME!”

Koizumi frowned. “What do you-”

The ground shook, and Koizumi let out a cry as a voice pounded in his head.

WANT. COMMUNICATE.

“Oh hell,” Koizumi gasped. He stumbled outside with the others, where Tsuruya was already whirling her chain as she looked above them.

The sky had been rent asunder, showing a thousand flashing lights, as hundreds of figures floated in the air.

COMMUNICATE. NOW.

The dead, doll-like face of Kuyou Suou looked down on them, as hundreds, no, thousands, maybe millions, of her clones slowly descended.

Kazuma summed up the situation nicely: “Well. Shit.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Somehow, Fujiwara had survived.

Well, OK, the somehow was more of an “as soon as he saw things going south he fled like the yellow-bellied snake he was” and less of an unexplained ass pull, but it was still frustrating and annoying for everyone involved.

Still, when he appeared before Tanya, trembling and pale faced, she couldn’t help but grind her teeth.

“How did you fail?” Tanya demanded, looking up from her maps.

“Well, you see, I don’t like to think of it as a failure, more of a changing of objectives and a learning-”

“If you lie to me, there is but one punishment,” Tanya growled. She was of course referring to giving the idiot latrine duty for the next two weeks, but by Fujiwara’s reaction that wasn’t where his mind went.

“It was the minions fault! They must have missed with their bombardment!” Fujiwara squeaked, prostrating himself in an abject display of a complete lack of honor and spine. “Then they retaliated with far more firepower than they should have had! You said Megumin could only use one Explosion, but I fled after the second one!”

Actually, Fujiwara had fled after the first, but there weren’t any other survivors to contest his claim. He’d seen to that.

“Scrying of the battlefield indicates that no fewer than four of the Crimson Terror’s spells were used on our positions,” Visha reported, marking the locations on the map. “It seems that Megumin can bypass her daily limit.”

“Very well. Reports indicate that she did the same both times she assaulted the Devil King’s fortress,” Tanya said, nodding as she stood on her stool to look down on the map. She turned away from Fujiwara, already dismissing him from her mind.

“We need a new location,” Tanya said, rubbing her chin as she studied the map. “The fortress is half ruined, and if we attempt to defend it, Megumin shall simply blow it up as she has done before.”

“What about a night ambush?” Visha suggested.

“Crimson Demons see in the dark better than even our forces,” Tanya sighed. “It will not work.”

“What about a dungeon?”

Both Tanya and Visha looked at Fujiwara, who had gotten up and was trying to act like the embarrassing incident had never happened.

“Why would we bottle up our forces underground?” Visha asked, sounding exasperated.

“Well, you need to lure them in, right? So why not lure them to somewhere their greatest asset can’t be used?” Fujiwara asked. Clearly missing the fact that a chuunibyou gremlin is more of a liability than an asset.

“We’d have the advantage in a dungeon,” the Devil Queen remarked, speaking for the first time on her throne. “The dark mana that pools there can be harnessed to spawn strong monsters that will be loyal to us, and instinctively attack gods and heroes.”

“Hmmm.” Tanya tapped the map, where the notation of ‘Labyrinth of Madness’ was written. “What of this one?”

The Devil Queen stood, coming over to examine the map. “Ah. One of the deepest and oldest dungeons. It has been cleared several times, though it is currently empty. And it is where my father died.”

“Hmm. Could we relocate enough of our forces there to give a proper battle?” Tayna asked.

“Of course. Several of our mages know spells to teleport there, as it is a good location of materials for advanced magical items. Plus, Ferdinand is a lovely man. He and I take tea together frequently,” the Devil Queen said with a nod.

“Very well! Prepare our forces! For tonight, we take tea in the Labyrinth of Madness!” Tanya declared.

“Oh, can we have little cucumber sandwiches? I like those,” Visha asked.

Tanya rolled her eyes. “If you insist.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Walking through hilly wastelands was not ordinarily Kyon’s idea of a good time. Walking through what appeared to be the final zone before a boss fight was his idea of a living nightmare. Or, well, it would have been if it hadn’t been for his traveling companion.

Another nightmarish creature with too many heads and a fire breathing tail screamed in agony from four throats, then collapsed as Yuki cut off all four heads, and the tail for good measure.

“No fair!” Haruhi complained, planting her hands on her hips and glaring up at Yuki as she hopped down from the chimera. “You got the last one too! The next is mine!”

“Ladies, please. There’s enough horrible monsters for everyone. There’s no need to fight,” Kyon sighed.

“Kyon! I am behind in today's kill count! I demand that you give me more manatite that I may lay low these wastrels!” Megumin snarled from her perch on Mikuru’s back. When they’d been attacked by a swarm of monstrous dragonflies that morning, Megumin had blown them all to kingdom come, but she’d been useless since then.

Getting a free mulligan against a horde of end game foes was definitely a good thing though.

“No way. We need to save that for when we’re in actual danger. If I give it to you, you’ll just blow up the first slightly threatening thing you see!” Kyon said, crossing his arms in an X. He did have about a dozen chunks of manatite left, but he wasn’t going to give it to Megumin unless they found an actual boss monster.

“H-how come so many monsters keep attacking us?” Mikuru sniffed, turning to trudge back along the trail.

“Because we’ve got two pairs of primo monster bait with us,” Kazuma snorted. Then he seemed to consider something, and shrugged. “Well, maybe three.”

“Hey! It’s not my fault I’m low level!” Kyon snapped. “And Mikuru has been working really hard! She took out some of those zombies last night, and she’s level 9 now!”

“Yeah, it ain’t the normies that are the lures.” Kazuma grinned and jerked his chin at Aqua, who was walking alongside him. “They just looooove the smell of divine mana.”

“Hey! That’s just the undead. Mostly. We’re just in a high level zone with a lot of monsters! Maybe they’re just attracted to the scent of a nice juicy NEET!” Aqua protested.

The land they walked through didn’t seem like it could support the sheer number of huge apex predators they’d come across, that was for sure. The same scraggly trees and thorny bushes dotted the rocky hills, with the only semi-normal animals they had seen some sort of huge ostrich like birds Kazuma had called “hawkkites.”

Even that large flock didn’t seem to be enough to support the dragon flies, gargoyles, griffins, or chimera that had attacked so far today. To say nothing of the coven of vampires, horde of zombies, and bunch of ghosts that had plagued them the night before.

When Kyon voiced this opinion, Aqua shrugged. “Monsters spawn in regions with a lot of ambient mana. The reason the Devil King built his fortress here was because of that same mana. Is it any wonder there’s so many monsters?”

“That is why the Crimson Demon Village is located on the edge of the frontier! That we might harvest the abundant mana to work our dark magics!” Megumin cackled.

“Isn’t it actually because you’re a bunch of edgy loners who thought living away from everyone else would be mysterious and cool?” Kazuma asked.

“S-shut up! We did it for the mana!” Megumin said, blushing and trying to hide behind Mikuru’s wimple.

With a sigh, Kyon looked around for the next inevitable random encounter. Aqua could give all the technobabble she wanted: Kyon had played enough RPGs to know a random encounter when he saw one.

“There are currently no hostile lifeforms in the vicinity.”

He looked down, and found Yuki striding along beside him, her eyes forward. She didn’t seem even slightly hurt or tired, despite having slain both a griffin and a manticore. “You doing OK?”

“Yes.” Yuki opened her hand, and Kyon took it, giving it a squeeze and closing his eyes.

They walked in silence for a minute, until Yuki spoke. “Are you OK?”

“That obvious, huh?” Kyon said with a chuckle.

“Negative. This is why I have inquired. My research indicates that reciprocal inquiries to an individuals’ state of mind are the norm. However, despite long observation, I cannot ascertain your current mood.”

“I guess…I’m fine? But…” Kyon let out a long sigh, and looked to Yuki. “Do you…like it here?”

Yuki considered this. “I am with you.”

That made Kyon’s heart go pitter-patter, and a stupid grin spread over his lips, but he shook his head. “No, I mean, do you like life here, in Belzerg? Do you want to stay here?”

“I enjoyed reading Arue’s book. I am told there is a large library in the capital. You are here. Mikuru Asahina and Haruhi Suzumiya are here, as are Kazuma Sato and Aqua Mizu. Staying here is adequate.”

A lump formed in Kyon’s throat, and he made himself ask, “So, you’d rather stay here than go back to Japan? Be an Adventurer, or even a goddess, instead of whatever boring life we’d lead there?”

“I would prefer to be where you are.”

“Well, yeah, me too. I mean, it’s stupid, but…” Tears formed in Kyon’s eyes, and he shook his head, angry at himself. “I mean, I miss my family. Especially my kid sister. And, well, my friends like that idiot Taniguchi. Don’t get me wrong! If I have to pick, I pick where you are, Yuki. But…if I could have both…”

“I see. Then we shall return to Japan,” Yuki said, as if the matter was settled.

“What?! I mean, don’t you like it here better?” Kyon asked.

Yuki didn’t respond, her brow only furrowing slightly as if she was puzzled by the question, so Kyon elaborated.

“I mean, here, you can be yourself. You don’t have to hide that you’re an alien. People like you for who you are. And, well, you’re pretty damn awesome here. Back home too, but here you can kick serious ass. Don’t you enjoy all that?”

Yuki nodded, and was quiet again, obviously deep in thought. At last, she looked up, a slight quirk of her lips showing a smile. “They do not have Starcraft here. Therefore, we should return to Japan.”

That made Kyon bark out a laugh before he knew what was happening. “Ha! Then maybe you should move to Korea.”

This obviously confused Yuki, and her forehead wrinkled slightly again. “You would prefer Korea to Japan?”

“No, I mean, maybe? It’s different, I guess. Korea’s not that far from Japan, and it’s still on Earth. I could call or text my family, and visit sometimes. It’s different, you know?’

“No. But that is why I have you,” Yuki said, and gave Kyon’s hand another squeeze.

“Maybe that’s my superpower,” Kyon joked, but Yuki nodded seriously, and he sobered. “Thanks. We’ll stick together, no matter what.”

He supposed the odds that you’d fall in love with a girl your junior year of high school, well, Freshman Year really, and spend the rest of your life with her were low. Like something out of a sappy romance manga. But, well, considering his best friends were an alien, an esper, a time traveler, and a bonafide goddess…well. Maybe his life was a bit like a manga after all.

“I wonder if I’m a quirky side character, or the main character?” Kyon mused to himself.

“Definitely a side character! Because clearly, I’m the main character!” Haruhi said from right behind Kyon, making him jump. She laughed, slapping Kyon on the back. “Ha ha! Don’t worry, Kyon! Even if you’re the jilted love interest, you’re still at least somewhat interesting. After all, you’re in my story!”

“Talk about a god complex,” Kyon complained, then groaned when he realized his error.

“Well, I always knew I was special, and I was right! Come on, Kyon! Lollygaggers don’t get any treasure when we loot the bosses’ lair!”

Haruhi took off ahead, and Kyon sighed and trudged after her. Only to let out a cry when one of the rocks turned out to be a giant lizard of some sort, which tried to eat Haruhi. A brief swing of her sword, however, turned it into a headless corpse.

“Sheesh. That girl really does have too much energy.”

They walked on for several hours, until they came to an encampment of orcs in a valley along a babbling brook.

“So let me get this straight. They’re ALL female?” Kyon asked incredulously.

“Yeah, but don’t get your hopes up. They might be amorous but they have a face like a horse's behind and you’ll suffer death by snu-snu,” Kazuma told him.

Kyon gave him a blank look. “And that means?”

“You’ll die from too much sex,” Haruhi explained, giving Kazuma a wide grin. “My dad and I love to watch Futurama to…geth…er…oh.”

“I’m not your damn dad! But Futurama does kick ass. The sub is superior though,” Kazuma stated in a superior tone.

“So I take it they reproduce, uh, with other species?” Kyon asked.

“Don’t let yourself get taken alive,” Kazuma said seriously, and Kyon gulped.

“They would harm Kyon?” Yuki asked, suddenly standing up from where they’d been crouching atop a ridgeline.

“They’d just rape him to death,” Kazuma said sarcastically. “Listen, sit down it will be-”

Yuki zipped down the hill almost faster than the eye could see, weapons at the ready. She was no longer wielding them with her hands, instead her sword, axe, and hammer floated about her, ready for slaughter. The orcs looked up just in time for Yuki to hit them like a thunderclap, and Kyon could only watch in horrified fascination. It was like watching a lion take on a bunch of baby gazelles.

“No fair, I only need 300 more xp to level up!” Harhuhi shouted, jumping up and sprinting down the hill herself. Two orcs charged to meet her, and four dead lumps hit the ground moments later.

“DAMMIT YOU TWO, YOU’RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF HURT!” Kazuma cried, and hurried after them, waving Chunchumaru.

“Hey! Kazuma! Haruhi! Yuki! Wait for meeeeee!” Aqua wailed, tripping and tumbling down the hill. She tripped Kazuma up too, and the two of them fell into a bush in a tangle of arms and legs.

Kyon, for his part, stayed behind and guarded Mikuru. This was a very important duty, and one he accomplished with aplomb. He supposed Megumin was there too, but he didn’t really think she needed guarding, even if she was sleeping.

After the slaughter was done, Kyon went down to see if there were any useful supplies. Haruhi seemed to have suffered a few cuts and bruises, though most of that seemed to be from her charging through several structures and getting some splinters. Yuki, for her part, was completely unharmed, and had found a satchel with some scrolls in it, which she was pursuing.

“Anything interesting?” Kyon asked, and Yuki wordlessly handed him the parchment. He looked it over, then swore. The scroll seemed to be a message, one that indicated the Devil Queen had retreated deep into a dungeon. “Kazuma! Come take a look at this!”

Kazuma stopped his latest argument with Aqua to trot over. He took the scroll and started reading.

“This sounds bad,” Kyon said seriously. “If they’re holed up in a defensive position we can’t use Megumin on…”

To his surprise, Kazuma started laughing. He was laughing so hard he dropped the scroll, clutching at his belly.

“What? This isn’t funny!” Kyon said, snatching up the scroll and rolling it up.

“Those…those poor dumb bastards!” Kazuma chortled, wiping his eyes with one hand.

“What do you mean? Now we’ll have to fight our way through what’s supposed to be the deadliest dungeon in the kingdom, with no way to use Megumin to just blow most of them up like the plan was!” Kyon argued.

“I…I have three teleport locations registered,” Kazuma hiccupped. “One, my mansion in Axel. Two, the bar in Axel. And three…”

Kyon’s eyes widened. “No way.”

“...the bottom floor of the Labyrinth of Madness,” Kazuma giggled. “We won’t have to fight our way in at all. This will be a piece of cake.”

Hesitantly, Kyon returned Kazuma’s smile. Maybe, for once, it really would be easy.