The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 52 (Patreon)

Sasaki stood up, feeling bile in her throat. She was angry, scared, worried, and most of all, she just wanted to go home. She stepped up beside the grandmother she’d never met, and swallowed. “Alright, Komekko. What’s this deal?”

She felt a firm hand on her shoulder, and she didn’t even have to look to know it was her father.

“What are you doing? She’s a demon, we can’t deal with her!” Seiya demanded.

Sasaki turned and glared at him. “You don’t have to deal with her, but I will! I don’t care what the price is, I’ll save mom!”

“That’s really not the sort of thing you should say to a demon, you know,” Komekko commented, but she winked at Sasaki. “But since we’re friends, I’ll cut you a special deal!”

“You are NOT making a deal with a demon,” Seiya said firmly. “I’ll find another way, to save Ristarte and Kiriko, and even you, if you really are Kiriko!”

“Seiya…do what you have to, to save…to save our daughter,” Ristarte croaked, her face wet with tears. “I…I remember a little, from what Ishtar showed me, and…and I can’t stand the thought of losing her again…”

“Ah, come on, I’m not even going to charge that much!” Komekko interrupted. “This is bargain bin rates, I’m telling you!”

“If it’s a soul you want, take mine,” Carmilla said. “I’m old, and won’t have need of it for much longer. Besides, hell can’t possibly be much worse than what Ixphoria has become.”

Vanir scoffed, shaking his head in disgust. “Mortals always say such things, but really, moi wonders what they think of the imaginations of demons. If such conditions can exist on the mortal plane, could not we of the infernal realm conjure up horrors that much worse?”

“Vanir! I’m trying to cut a deal! Don’t go spooking the marks!” Komekko hissed.

“Moi would not wish to be accused of dishonesty. After all, the ennui of the customers is not nearly so delicious if they feel they were misled,” Vanir said, rubbing his white gloved hands together as if in anticipation of a banquet.

“You won’t be misleading us,” Seiya said, and snapped his fingers. An opaque bubble appeared around the two demons, and Sasaki gasped. Much as Komekko was irritating, she was a friend. And for some reason, Sasaki didn’t really want to see her harmed. She wouldn’t go so far as to trust her, but…

“It’s simply a barrier to prevent any eavesdropping,” Seiya said dismissively, turning back to Ristarte. He knelt by the bed again, gripping her hand. “So…you remember. For how long?”

“Since Gaebrande,” Ristrate said quietly. “Right before we fought the Devil King. I…I was always attracted to you, and your, um-”

“I heard the comments about the six pack,” Seiya said, his tone somewhat dry, which for him was close to a chuckle. Faint color came into Ristarte’s pallid cheeks, and Seiya gave her a small smile. “For my part, I didn’t fully remember until we came here. I knew…I knew you were special, but not why, and that I had to be cautious. Or…or I would lose everything I loved again.”

“So do we bargain with them?” Carmilla asked, sounding uncertain. “I confess, my experience leads me to believe that demons are unlikely to keep their word. But if there is a chance, however small…”

“Komekko is crazy, but I think we can trust her. She really did help the people in the villages we found, and, well, Vanir is weird, but he seems to keep his word,” Sasaki said, looking nervously at her parents. Only, they weren’t her parents. Not yet, anyway.

“If we do this, we proceed with utmost caution. I am willing to sacrifice myself, but no one else. Especially not you or…your other self,” Seiya told Sasaki.

Considering Sasaki didn’t really want to sacrifice herself, past or present, that sounded good to her. “Then what do we offer?”

“We see what their bargain is. No souls,” Ristrate said firmly. She glared at Seiya. “Not even yours!”

He frowned slightly, but didn’t argue. Though by the way he clenched his jaw, Sasaki figured he’d do whatever he thought he had to.

“Fine. We’ll see what they have to say.” Seiya stood, snapping his fingers again, dissolving the barrier. He stepped forward, then paused.

Before them, Komekko and Vanir had set up a table with chairs enough for everyone. The chairs were plain carved wood, with little heart shapes by the headrest. The tablecloth was bright pink, with what at first glance looked like red flowers on them, but closer inspection revealed to be mushroom clouds. The table was set for tea, complete with a bouquet of flowers on it, and plates of cookies, finger sandwiches, and fine porcelain cups.

“We’re willing to bargain,” Sasaki said, going over and taking a seat. “But no souls.”

“Eh, I don’t want your souls. I’m pretty sure eating a goddess’ soul would give me gas,” Komekko said, making a face. She grinned suddenly, her red eyes flashing dangerously. “No, I don’t want your souls. What I want is exclusive rights to the bad ones. And a few other minor things.”

“What do you mean, ‘exclusive rights?’” Sasaki demanded, her head spinning slightly.

“Other minor things? I don’t think so. There will be a full and thorough explanation,” Seiya declared, helping Ristarte from her bed and over to the table, where she did her best to sit up, eyeing Komekko suspiciously.

“I thought you’d never ask!” Komekko said, jumping up as Vanir gracefully stood. The two of them posed, Komekko with one foot kicked up, Vanir holding her hands as if they were about to begin dancing.

“-without a song and dance routine,” Seiya growled.

Looking disappointed, Kommekko glanced at Sasaki, who shook her head. “Just give it to us plainly. We don’t have time for this with my mother’s life on the line.”

“Man, you people just have no respect for what’s appropriately dramatic,” Komekko huffed, and slumped back into her chair. “See if I bother to write new lyrics again. Friends on the Other Side is great!”

Vanir reached into his suit jacket, and pulled out a sheaf of parchment. “The terms are quite simple: in exchange for saving the life of the foolish goddess of green herbs-”

“Only I get to insult Ristarte,” Seiya said, his tone calm, but all the more concerning for it. For some reason, Ristarte smiled at him for that. Sasaki decided again that her parents were weird.

“-the most revered goddess of healing and comedy,” Vanir continued smoothly. “Thou shall grant in perpetuity the souls of the sinners in thy domain unto Lady Komekko of the Crimson Demon Clan and her associates.”

Sasaki frowned at the parchment, then glanced at Ristarte, who was looking concerned and woozy. “Can you do that?”

“Well, technically the souls of the evil are currently reincarnated as lesser lifeforms, or if they’re really bad, sent to hell. So…this is more just giving them to a specific demon? It’s not so bad, but…”

“And in exchange, I promise to not only save your life and the life of my good friend Sasaki, but to only try to conquer the world sometimes, and always let the heroes defeat me after a period of no more than two generations, which is sufficient time for an appropriately dramatic rebellion to brew up to overthrow me! If they do it early it’s fine, I’ll just have to scheme and plot better! Oh, and I’ll only return after an appropriate period of lurking in the shadows to usher in a new age of terror and darkness!”

Seiya gave Komekko a flat look. “And how long is this appropriately dramatic period?”

“Well, it will vary, but no less than 30 years and no more than 1000, depending,” Komekko said with a shrug.

“Per realm,” Vanir added, a malicious grin on his face. “If thou doest control more than one realm, we may subjugate each in turn without ceasing should enough time pass.”

“Why should we ‘let’ you conquer our worlds in the first place?” Sasaki demanded. “That just sounds cruel!”

Komekko held up a finger. “Ah, but Devil Queens always arise, don’t they? In exchange for this exclusive deal, we’ll take out any competitors that might attempt to take over your realms! Plus, I mean, I’m not so bad, right? I won’t do any of that human sacrifice or genocide or anything. Just, you know, some light slavery and minor war crimes and a bit of plundering.”

“So,” Carmilla said, her brow wrinkling. “You’ll help destroy the Devil King Ultimaeus and his generals? But in exchange, you’ll try to conquer us in turn?”

“Yep! But I’ll let the gods replenish the mana first. It’s like crop rotation!” Komekko said, tapping her forehead. “If the world rots and decays, it won’t be as yummy to take over! I get a sure set of worlds to conquer and eat, but not too much, and you get a Devil Queen you can trust!”

“Is there a way to avoid having demons and Devil Queens try to take over the world?” Sasaki asked her mother, her voice pleading. “Like back on Earth?”

Ristarte sighed, slumping and resting her head in her hands. “Demons try to take over the Earth all the time…they’re just fended off. Plus, every millenia or two, there’s a really big apocalyptic invasion. Really, Earth is just overdue, and it’s thanks to the efforts of various gods and mortals working together that it’s kept safe. But…I still don’t know…”

Looking to Seiya, Sasaki asked the question she already knew the answer to: “Is there any other way?”

Slowly, her father met her eyes, and she could see the helpless pain there. He shook his head. “I’ve looked everywhere. Even at sacrificing my own life. There’s no other way to save you. I haven’t looked for Ristarte yet, but…”

“What’s the other cost?” Sasaki asked Komekko, feeling sick.

The young Devil Queen gave her a hungry grin. “Oh, just a couple of minor things. You have to keep quiet about this deal, until I release you from it. And I get a wish on your goddess powers for each time I save you. So, you know, if you need me to save you again…I get three wishes. No take backs.”

“My dad said something about you having a bargain with him in the future, so that’s probably needed,” Sasaki muttered, rubbing her chin.

“So, we made this bargain?” Seiya asked, suddenly grabbing Sasaki’s arm with iron fingers. “What about Ristarte? How was she?”

Sasaki flinched. “Well, um…she wasn’t a goddess? I don’t think? You two were married and living in Japan…”

Ristarte gasped, and Seiya bowed his head, looking pained. “So it was a tragic ending after all…”

“So it was a happy ending after all!”

The two of them paused, and Seiya let go of Sasaki to take Ristarte’s hands in his own far more gently. “But, you wouldn’t be a goddess anymore!”

“Goddess’s forgo all carnal pleasure, and I’ve wanted to give into temptation since we met!”

As the two of them half argued and half gushed, Sasaki groaned and looked to Carmilla. “So, um, hi, Grandma. I’m Sasaki…their daughter…I’m not sure how this all worked out, but, well, we never met, so…sorry for that, I guess?”

Carmilla stood and came over to Sasaki, who flinched, until the older woman wrapped her in a tight embrace. “I thought I’d lost my daughter forever. To know she survived, and had such a lovely young woman as a child such as you…”

“But, we’ll never meet again, after this,” Sasaki said, feeling tears enter her eyes.

Carmilla snorted, then chuckled. “The greatest pain I ever knew was knowing my Tiana was dead. Even if she goes to live in a foreign land, and never becomes queen…it’s enough to know she has a future off this blighted world…”

“Hey, you can totally come visit after you get your powers back from this deal,” Komekko offered. “I won’t even try to conquer it until the mana has regenerated! And that could take a while. You’ll totally have time to be a family together.”

“Mistress is far too generous. Moi shall have to find plenty of embarrassing baby photos. For truly, there is no embarrassment like that of an adolescent,” Vanir chortled.

Carmilla looked interested, while Sasaki blanched. Well, it was better than having no grandma. Maybe.

Seiya and Ristarte were now kissing, which was both good to see and very gross, but they at last broke apart.

“We’ll do it,” Seiya promised. “How?”

“That’s the neat part!” Komekko said, then winced and gave Sasaki an apologetic look. “Um, I’m afraid step one is getting Ristarte to lose her goddess status…”

Sasaki wondered why Komekko was apologizing, then she caught her mother’s embarrassed look, and her father’s obvious attempt to look disinterested. Then it clicked.

“Fine, but I sure as heck ain’t watching that happen,” Sasaki said, disgusted. “Do we just leave them alone, or…?”

“Well, moi shall require the other you as well, for the soul transference,” Vanir said, standing and adjusting his gloves. “Then there is the minor matter of tending to dearest Ultimeaus.”

“Yeah. I can’t handle him alone, or even with Vanir. But, with a hero…” Komekko grinned, showing off an impressive pair of fangs. “It’s time to show that fat toad there’s a new Devil Queen in town.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Frowning, Haruhi examined her Adventurer’s card. “Why won’t my stats go up? I’ve gained like 10 levels in the past couple days but my stats are exactly the same!"

At her feet, the ogre she thought she’d killed let out a groan, so Haruhi jerked her sword out of its body, then stabbed it in the neck again. This time, it went still, and she pumped her fist as her level ticked up. “Nice!”

Then her expression fell. “Dammit, my stats still didn’t go up!”

“Yeah, mine never did either,” Aqua said, coming over and looking over Haruih’s shoulder. “Aww, that’s not fair! Your intelligence AND luck are higher than mine!”

“Can I see your card?” Haruhi asked, proffering her card to Aqua. The blue haired past version of someone who definitely was not Haruhi’s mom pulled her card out of her bra, or lack thereof, and Haruhi grimaced and took it. Sure enough, most of Aqua’s stats were nearly identical to Haruhi’s own. Close to 10,000 in Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, and Charisma. The only differences were Luck, Intelligence, and Wisdom, where Aqua’s intelligence was barely 100, her Luck was even less, and her wisdom was close to 10,000 again while Haruhi’s was less than 1000. Still, Haruhi had overall higher stats, which made her feel pretty proud of herself.

“Huh, looks like she has my Luck and Intelligence and your scores in everything else,” Kazuma commented.

Haruhi spun, her face going bright red as she found Kazuma examining her card along with Aqua.

“Hey! That’s personal information!” Haruhi snapped, and tried desperately to snatch her card from Kazuma.

“She doesn’t have your intelligence, yours is way lower than hers!” Aqua protested, as she and Kazuma easily kept Haruhi’s card away from her.

“Yeah, well, I’m still smarter than you,” Kazuma said absently, looking through Haruhi’s skills. “This really is a stupid build. You have all these dumb conversational and RPing skills, and…wait, when did you get Swords Master, Athletics, Acrobatics, Expert Cooking, Blacksmithing, Mining, Panhandling, Cheerleading, Batter Up, Godly Songstress, Virtuoso Musician-”

“She’s got more skills than even you do,” Aqua laughed, earning her a glare from Kazuma.

“We did some black smithing at summer camp a few years ago, and I read a book about mining once!” Haruhi said, finally grabbing her card back from Kazuma.

“You can learn skills just from reading a book?” Megumin asked skeptically from where she was laying flat on the ground. After a full day of not getting to blow anything up, she’d been unable to resist at the sight of a band of ogres, and had lit off a massive blast to start the battle. Haruhi had felt more than a little bowel clenching fear at seeing it. Memories of class trips to Hiroshima and Nagasaki when she was in grade school had flashed through her mind.

And then she’d immediately began plotting as to how to use such a  unique and incredible power to her advantage. After all, they were only war crimes if the bad guys did them, and as a goddess she was the very definition of the good guys.

“Is it just me, or are we running into more and more monsters?” Kyon asked, coming over and giving Megumin a manatite crystal.

“We’re getting close to the Devil King’s Castle,” Megumin said, sounding drowsy even as she accepted the booster. “That means there’s more and more monsters to- RAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Kyon jumped back, looking like he’d had a heart attack, as Mikuru hurried over, clutching her staff. “A-are you all right, M-Megumin, I-”

“POWER! SURGING! BEHOLD! MY MAGIC INCREASES!” Megumin declared, posing dramatically and clutching her hat to her head.

“O-oh my gosh, are you OK!?” Mikuru gasped, hurrying forward and putting her hand to Megumin’s forehead.

“She’s fine, she just does that sometimes,” Kazuma said dismissively.

Megumin grinned as Mikuru drew her hand back. “Every time a Crimson Demon is near death and recovers, they gain a power boost. This is known as the ‘zenkai’ and is the secret to our-”

“You stole that from Dragonball,” Haruhi and Kazuma said at the same time, causing both of them to flinch and glare at one another.

“W-what? No! It’s common knowledge that when Crimson Demons deplete their power and recover, they grow stronger!” Megumin protested.

“You found some poor schmuck who got his ass isekai’d and had him tell it to you!” Haruhi laughed. She paused, and glanced at Kazuma, who was blushing and looking away, whistling tunelessly.

“She got it from you, didn’t she?” Haruhi sighed, shaking her head in disgust.

“Um, I might have…overheard something to that extent from Kazuma,” Megumin said, coughing and blushing. “But it sounds like something a Crimson Demon should do…”

“It is pretty cool,” Haruhi agreed, rubbing her chin. “I wonder if there would be a way to make a skill that did work like that? What do you think, Aqua?”

“I dunno, I let Eris handle most of the stuff we didn’t copy from the God’s Handbook to World Design,” Aqua said with a shrug. “I was more interested in making things pretty!”

“Well that explains the game balance then,” Kyon said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Eh, we’ll figure something out later,”  Haruhi shrugged. She looked around, frowning at the crater not too far away, then looking beyond it.

The group had just left the forest, finding the ogre camp at the forest’s edge. Beyond that lay a series of rolling hills, rocky and covered with scrub brush and grasses. The hills crept along for miles and miles, with the shadows of snow capped mountains in the far distance. Just looking at it made Haruhi’s feet ache, and she groaned softly.

“Are we there yet?” she muttered.

“No!” Aqua and Kazuma said at the same time.

“Worry not, for our doom soon approaches! It is two days' travel yet until we reach the gates of Doom, where I have twice defeated the Devil King!” Megumin cackled.

“I’m starting to hate walking,” Kyon sighed, adjusting his pack. He glanced to Yuki, who was silently standing atop a nearby rock and keeping watch. “Any more enemies?”

“Negative.” Yuki shook her head slightly, still staring ahead.

“Well, we may as well get going then,” Kazuma sighed. “The sooner this is over, the better.”

“Yes,” Yuki said, making a throwing motion. A moment later, there was a high pitched squeal, and a goblin toppled out of a bush, a knife in its throat.

“Nice,” Kyon said. “I knew those throwing knives would come in handy.”

They continued their trek along the trail, none of them noticing that the goblin had a small crystal orb still clutched in its cooling hands.

Several kilometers away, an ogre shaman looked up from his scrying glass, which was a murky crystal set in a human skull. “They are entering the kill zone, general.”

“Those fools!” Fujiwara cackled. He was dressed in a uniform that looked a lot like an Imperial Japanese Army uniform, circa 1941. Which just goes to show that some people should pay more attention to history books.

The time traveling villain rested his hand on his ceremonial katana that he had insisted on, and grinned malevolently at the group under his command. A collection of goblin, ogre, and even oni shamans and spell casters, along with several hundred other members of their species, kitted out in, you guessed it, IJA uniforms. They were not wielding firearms, but rather a collection of pikes and polearms.

Not katanas, because Tanya was smart enough to know that a blade on a stick reaches further than a plain blade. Mixed in with them were crossbow wielding orcs, because somewhere Tanya had read about the tercio. Probably not from video games, because that would have meant she actually did something fun for once in her life that Visha didn’t drag her to kicking and screaming.

“They have walked right into my trap!” Fujiwara bragged, puffing his chest out. “Thanks to my ability to see all throughout the timeline, these foes have no chance against us! Are you ready men?”

“Yes general. Operation ‘Scry and Fry’ is ready,” the ogre shaman told him. “The goblin died, but that’s a small loss.”

Fujiwara frowned at him. “You’re better than that, Mogsh. Only heroes stoop so low as to use puns.”

Mogosh rolled his eyes, but only when Fujiwara had turned his back. “Now men, this foolish goddess must die! There is only one I ask you to spare: the red haired one! She is timid and weak. Bring her to me.”

There was dark laughter from the assembled troops, and Fujiwara grinned nastily. Oh yes. He’d have his hands on a second TPDD, and soon the timeline would be his! He’d correct the future, and ensure things played out properly. So that he was in charge, of course. He gestured imperiously, and the shamans and other spell casters began to chant. In moments, the teleports went off.

You could only have three locations registered, true, but if you had prepared positions ahead of time…well, the classics were classics for a reason, weren’t they?

Fujiwara felt his belly clench as the teleport went off, and they reappeared on a hill overlooking where the hapless heroes were going below them. Another shaman stepped forward, and raised his staff high.

“Darkness blacker than black, Crimson redder than blood-”

Sure, they didn’t have enough long tube artillery for a proper strike. But a spell would do in a pinch.

“Let’s see how you like a taste of your own medicine,” Fujiwara sniggered.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Kazuma was just walking along, holding Aqua’s hand, and sort of enjoying life. Sure, his feet hurt, and he was heading towards danger, but, well, how bad could it be? Megumin would blow up the Devil King, and they’d go home. Simple.

Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and he looked around them, feeling aghast. “Oh shit. HIT THE DIRT!”

He grabbed Aqua and dove for the floor, only for nothing to happen. She shoved him off, though she didn’t get up. “What the heck, Kazuma? What’s wrong?”

“Sense foe just triggered, and there’s bad guys all around us! It’s an ambush!” Kazuma cried.

Yuki’s head snapped around, and a moment later she declared: “Enemy data detected.”

“Crap, what do we do?!” Kyon gasped, looking around in a panic. “Where’d they come from.”

“Hmph. Don’t worry about it, we’ll just take ‘em one by one! You take the hill on the left, Yuki, and I’ll get the one on the right!” Haruhi bragged.

“Ha! You shall leave one for me!” Megumin cackled, striding forward. “I shall-”

Familiar looking fiery red circles appeared in the sky around them, and Kazuma frowned. “Uh, Megumin, are you doing that?”

“They wouldn’t dare,” Megumin gasped.

“AQUA, HELP!” Kazuma squeaked, and buried his head in the ground.

“Sacred Barrier!” Aqua cried, and a protective bubble appeared around them.

It wasn’t an instant too soon, as a gigantic blast reverberated against the barrier. Aqua groaned and sank to her legs, the barrier dissolving, though it had withstood the blast. The trees and bushes around them hadn’t, as they were burning or blown to bits, with even rocks having shattered.

“THEY WOULDN’T!” Megumin raged, raising her staff. “KYON! MANATITE!”

“Uh, here,” Kyon said, passing Megumin several crystals. “Was that-”

“I AM MEGUMIN! MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC! AND NO ONE DARES TO USE MY OWN ART AGAINST ME!”

Megumin pointed to the hilltop the offending spell came from. No chant, no poses, no bluster. And the hill just ceased to exist. It looked as though a huge volcano had erupted on the spot, and the very earth was turned to glass. The hill itself was several meters shorter, with the rocks simply vaporized.

Swaying on her feet, Megumin crushed one manatite, then turned. “Kazuma! NEXT TARGET!”

“Uh, there,” Kazuma said, pointing. Even as he did so, the telltale circles of Explosion Magic appeared above them.

They vanished along with the second crest.

“AGAIN!” Megumin shrieked, her nostrils flaring, her eyes burning red, her staff glowing like the eye of a mad deity.

Kazuma gestured, and another hilltop was turned to glass and gas.

“WHO ELSE!? WHO ELSE PROFANES THE NAME OF EXPLOSION MAGIC!” Megumin roared.

“Uh, there,” Kazuma said, and pointed one last time.

Even as the sky blackened and the sun vanished, Megumin stood tall, four hilltops naught but smoking ruin. She turned to Haruhi, who was looking at the mage, slack jawed.

“And that,” Megumin sniffed, drawing herself up to her full height. “Is why I am the Mistress of Explosion Magic, and the highest level being in all of the world.”

Haruhi nodded, swallowing. Then she grinned. “That was so cool! You have to teach me how to do that next! I wasn’t sold on it until I saw it in action, but I can think of so many possibilities! You simply have to join the SOS Brigade! I’ll make you Chief of Magic and Mayhem!”

As Megumin preened, Kazuma groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. “She’s going to be insufferable for the rest of the trip, isn’t she?”

“Well, on the bright side, we don’t have to wonder if they know we’re coming or not,” Kyon sighed. “Good grief. Isn’t that sort of thing banned by treaty or something?”

“On this world, MAD just refers to the Crimson Demon Clan,” Kazuma told him. Then he patted Megumin on the back. “Nice job. That’s why you’re the greatest arch wizard in the world.”

“Ha! None may question my supremacy! Those who would are dead!” Megumin bragged.

“Just what the world needed,” Kyon muttered. “A chuuni who can actually back up all that talk about crazy powers.”

“Yeah,” Kazuma agreed, smiling. “Pretty great, isn’t it?”

As the rubble pattered about them and Kazuma helped Aqua up, he felt good. He really was home.