The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 51 (Patreon)

Practically vibrating with excitement, Haruhi peered through the foliage to the camp beyond. The campsite itself was shoddy, with rotting leather tents, patched blankets, rusted cookware and weapons, and crude wooden stakes circling it in a low palisade, with the skulls of animals, monsters, and even humans adorning various tatty banners or totems. The occupants of the campsite were little green humanoids dressed in cast off rags and patched, stained clothes that didn’t seem to fit them well. They sat on logs or rocks, squabbling with their neighbors and eating hunks of half cooked meat or doing various chores.

Before anyone had said anything, she knew what they were: Goblins.

“Yeah, it’s a trap,” Kazuma sighed, causing Haruhi to turn to glare at him.

“You’re just saying that because you want to ruin my fun! Come on, it’s an adventure. We’re low level adventurers! We’re supposed to run into goblins to level grind before we get to the last boss!”

“Fool, you are near the Crimson Demon Village! There are no low level monsters here! This is the most treacherous and deadly of all locals, filled with such terrors as One Punch Bears and White Fangs, monsters that low level adventurers live in terror of!” Megumin declared, keeping her voice low and somehow still sounding like she was shouting at a low volume. “Clearly, these are no simple goblins.”

“But they’re right there! Obviously they are. Maybe my super cool powers warped reality or something so that exactly what I wanted and needed would appear,” Haruhi said, sticking out her lip a little and pouting.

“Don’t be ridiculous. When would something like that happen!?” Kazuma demanded.

Kyon snorted behind them. “More often than you’d think.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not what’s happening. You see that cave back there?” Kazuma pointed to a small hole in a low rise behind the camp, which had several goblin totems near it. “There’s at least two Beginner’s Banes inside of it. And probably another one roaming around somewhere near here. Those are the sort of monsters you DO find near the Crimson Demon Village. The kind that eat rookies for breakfast.”

“Yes; it is summer so they tend to come north at this time of year, it’s when you find the easy monsters like Beginner’s Banes and Goblins near my ancestral home,” Megumin agreed.

“So what!? You’ve killed the Devil King and I’m some sort of super awesome class, and so is Yuki! We can take them!” Haruhi pleaded, resting her hand on the hilt of her katana.

“I mean, she does need to level grind a little, Kazuma. She’s still only level 2, and that’s only because there were a lot of grapes,” Aqua pointed out.

Haruhi licked her lips and grinned. “Too bad we couldn’t turn them into wine, huh? Is that a goddess trick I can learn?”

“No. That stupid jerk Josh copyrighted that spell and he’s too popular on too many worlds for anyone else to use it,” Aqua grumbled.

“It’s water into wine anyway,” Kazuma and Kyon said in stereo.

“Hey! Back off! The only one allowed to correct Aqua is me,” Kazuma said, glaring at Kyon.

He shrugged. “Good grief, I just like to razz Haruhi. It’s all this puny mortal can do.”

“Warning: Enemy approaching,” Yuki said, drawing her sword and axe. “Action required.”

“Oh shit, did the goblins notice us?!” Kazuma said, looking around in a panic, but the campsite was still placid.

There was rumbling growl that Haruhi felt in her teeth, and a black shadow the size of a sedan came hurtling out of a tree. She didn’t even have time to draw her katana, but Kazuma had already sprang into action.

“BIND!” Steel cables came whipping out of Kazuma’s sleeves, wrapping themselves around the enormous black saber-toothed cat that then proceeded to fall on Haruhi. The sheer mass of the thing knocked her to the ground and forced the breath out of her, and for a moment she felt sheer panic, manifesting itself in the form of a wet trickle down her leg. She felt the cat’s breath on her, and though its mouth was tied shut, she saw murder in the glowing yellow eyes, and wondered for a moment if she really could die.

Then Yuki was there, ramming her sword into the cat and forcing it off Haruhi. The thing died in a shower of gore, and Haruhi staggered to her feet as cries came from the goblin camp.

“It seems I must save us once more!” Megumin said, lowering her staff and pointing it at the camp. “Darkness beyond twilight-”

“Not now! Too close, and people will know we’re here for miles around!” Kazuma said, slapping the staff down. “Save it for an actual boss, not some elite mooks!”

Megumin looked slightly offended, but smiled smugly. “So, you think my powers are too great for these mere creatures? Very well, I-”

“RAAAAA!” A goblin burst out of the trees, rusty sword in hand. Then it caught sight of Megumin, and its eyes bugged out of the monsters’ head. Haruhi felt a twinge of sympathy when a wet stain appeared on the thing's breeches. “CRIMSON DEMON! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

Before it could escape though, Haruhi lunged forward, her Katana leaving her scabbard in a flash, and lopped its head off. She flicked the blood off the blade, and glanced to where the goblins were pausing in their rush, looking panicked. Something triggered in her mind.

“Slay the demons.”

“Defeat the Devil King!” Aqua roared, and charged, raising her glowing staff on high.

Once more, Haruhi felt the rush of power and exhilaration of combat. The goblins tried to resist her, but her sword flowed like an extension of her body, despite her having quit kendo practice when she’d been in grade school. She cut down the monsters, then struck down their totems to their inferior gods, the idols using the bones of her people. It felt right. It felt good. It felt like exactly what she had been made for.

A snarl came from the cave, and Haruhi spun about as Aqua cried out in panic. There were two more of the Beginner’s Banes stalking forward, their eyes glowing with a baleful light. Haruhi could smell the death on their breath and see the bones in their lair. She knew what she had to do, with her sword in hand, she leapt forward and-

She barely saw the giant paw that swiped at her, but somehow, she managed to dodge it, rolling under it and coming up slashing. The Beginner’s bane yowled in pain as her blade bit deeply, but it got lodged in the bone, leaving Haruhi flat footed and looking at the beast that was already enraged.

“Oh no.”

Before the thing had a chance to attack her, there was a crackle of power behind her. “GOD BLOW!”

A blue blur raced past Haruhi, burying a fist in the muzzle of the Beginner’s Bane. Fragments of teeth and blood went everywhere, and the big cat dropped bonelessly to the ground. Aqua stood there, panting for a moment, her hair in frazzled disarray around her head. Then she held up her hand, which was red and rapidly swelling. “Owowowowow! I-I think I broke it!”

Haruhi blinked, then suddenly gasped and raised her sword. “Look out!”

Two goblins snarled and leapt up at Aqua, only for two arrows to flash out of nowhere and take them both in the eye.

“Figures. You can take out the boss, but the trash mobs can still bully you,” Kazuma commented, appearing out of thin air beside them. “Let me see your hand.”

“I-It hurts. Things didn’t used to do that…” Aqua sniveled, gingerly giving Kazuma her hand.

“Yeah, well, you’re not really a goddess anymore, right?” Kazuma asked. He waved his hand over hers, muttering, “Lesser Heal.”

There was an audible crackling sound, and the hand re-knit itself. Aqua let out a whimper of pain, and to Haruhi’s surprise Kazuma gave her a hug. “Hey, it’s OK. Just a little pain.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like it. I didn’t have to do this before,” Aqua said into his chest.

Making a face, Haruhi looked around. Apparently, she needn’t have bothered.

“MWAHAHAHAHA! WITNESS NOW THE FOREMOST STAFF DUELIST OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!” Megumin cackled, standing atop a pile of goblin forces. By the looks of things, they’d rushed her when they’d realized that she wasn’t casting any spells. This was a mistake, as Megumin had bragged she was the highest level human alive, and several goblins had literally lost their heads when she’d whacked them with her staff.

As for the third Beginner’s Bane, Haruhi expected to see Yuki had chopped it small pieces, but by the number of dismembered goblins that wasn’t the case. Instead, it lay on the ground with a hunk of melting ice coming out of its mouth, nose, and eyes, as well as cords of cable wrapped around its legs. Apparently, Kazuma was capable of taking one of those on by himself. Just why were they so dangerous again?

“Hey. You might need these.”

Haruhi blinked, then turned around to find Kyon proffering a bit of cloth to her.

“Oh, thanks, I guess I did get a bit messy,” Haruhi said, and started to reach for it. Then she got the cloth in her hands, and realized what they were, and her face went beet red. “KYON! WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THESE?!”

“Because I figured you probably didn’t pack extra, so I did,” he said, his tone becoming stubborn. “And you need them, don’t you?”

“No! Yes. ARGH!” Snatching the underwear, Haruhi stomped off to find somewhere private, her face a furious red. She was more than a little embarrassed she’d peed her pants, but even more so that Kyon had a pair of her panties. Worse still, she was pretty sure she hadn’t packed a spare pair. Who thought about how many pairs of underwear you would need on an adventure?!

After sorting herself out, Haruhi returned to find the others waiting for her. Kazuma nodded to the others, who had out their Adventurer’s Cards. “Right. We need to talk build strategy. Unlike some people, you shouldn’t just put all your points into a Meme Build.”

“I do not have a Meme Build!” Megumin snapped, then hesitated. “What’s a Meme Build?”

“Too late, I already put my points into the most important skill,” Haruhi said, holding up her card. “I’ve played RPGs before! I know what stat the main character has to raise!”

Kazuma looked at the card, then clutched at his head. “Persuasion, Intimidate, and Seduction!? What kind of build are you going for!?”

“Duh, the best builds are the ones that let you choose all the cool dialogue options! Besides, my stats are already maxed out and I have the important skills covered already, so I need the ones that let you max out your quest rewards and recruit new companions!”

Kazuma shook his head in disgust. “That’s stupid! You’re a swordmaster, so you should-”

“Actually, as a goddess, taking skills that let you recruit more followers is probably the best idea, because that’s what gives you more powers and mana,” Aqua pipped up. She looked at Haruhi’s card, then highlighted a couple of skills. “You should take some party tricks! Those are great for impressing people, like with Nature’s Beauty!”

“What?! No, you’re not having Haruhi take a bunch of party tricks!” Kazuma said, trying to snatch away the card.

Haruhi plucked it away herself, sticking her nose in the air. “I’m not going to shill party games like my parents. I’m going to be my own person.”

And she made sure to have her thumb cover up Dramatic Performer on the card. She figured if they ever had another battle of the bands, she’d really blow everyone’s socks off the next time!

They ended up moving a couple of kilometers away from the goblin camp, then setting up a campsite of their own. Haruhi and Yuki found a couple of the infamous One Punch Bears, with Haruhi managing to dispatch one, and Yuki calmly slicing apart the other. Haruhi insisted on returning with bear steaks for dinner, only for Kazuma, Aqua, and Megumin to look at her like she was crazy.

“Have you ever HAD bear meat?!” Kazuma demanded, looking with disgust at the still dripping steaks Haruhi had carved off.

“No, that’s why I want to try it!” Haruhi insisted.

“No thanks, I’ll just have the stew Kazuma is cooking,” Megumin said, making a face. “Komekko likes it, or…liked it…but her food choices are questionable.”

“I think it would be interesting,” Kyon commented, then looked to Yuki and Mikuru. “What about you two?”

“Um…I-I don’t know,” Mikuru said, until Haruhi gave her the very best Puppy Dog Eyes in her arsenal. “We…um…I suppose we can try cooking it..”

Yuki just nodded silently and got out the stew pot from Kyon’s backpack, holding it out to Haruhi, who eagerly put the bear meat in. “Right! Now, we’ve got to add some spices, to make it really good! Hey Kyon, do you have any cayenne peppers in there, or maybe some-”

“Absolutely not,” Kyon said, and gave the pot to Mikuru, bowing slightly. “Please grace us with your culinary greatness, Miss Asahina.”

“Well…um…do we have any vegetables to make a stew?” Mikuru said, peering into the pot and making a somewhat disgusted face at the greasy slab of meat.

“Hey Megumin, are there vegetables around here?” Haruhi asked.

“Of course. But they are the most deadly varieties! Wild garlic that will drain your blood, spring onions that will attack you with debilitating gas, and parsnips that will bite your ankles off!” Megumin declared, standing up. “Come, my minions. Let an experienced Adventurer show you how to harvest the bounty of the forest!”

“These vegetables are so much cooler than the ones back home. Why can’t vegetables in Japan demand you suplex them before you cook them? I’d have actually liked home economics then!” Haruhi said, following Megumin off into the woods.

“Well, the more I hear about Japan the more it sounds dreadfully boring. Kazuma claimed that it is ‘cringe’ in Japan to introduce yourself properly, or to show off dynamic poses. How else are you to intimidate your foes, or look as cool as possible before battle?” Megumin demanded as she led Haruhi to a nearby meadow.

“Ugh, it definitely is. There’s barely any interesting people there! I had to work so hard to find time travelers, espers, aliens, and sliders! But here, you’re a super cool alien race! I mean, who wouldn’t want to meet Crimson Demons? Even the name is awesome!” Haruhi said as they entered the wide field.

There was a pond with a narrow spring on the upslope to the north, while the rest of the meadow had loose, dry soil, with various wildflowers and weeds. She recognized some of them as edible from various survival manuals she’d read when she’d decided that she needed to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse, until she’d later decided that zombie apocalypse were boring and the world needed a more interesting way to end.

“Ha, there is the first of our prey,” Megumin chortled, and lowered herself until she was belly down in the grass. Haruhi aped her, though Megumin’s giant wizard hat did poke up and give their position away.

“So if we try and pick this stuff, it’ll bite, right?” Haruhi asked, keeping her voice low.

Megumin nodded. “Or worse, try to escape. This is wild parsnip. They have sharp fangs, and are quite nimble. As soon as you pluck it, strike it sharply on the ground to stun it, then stab it in the eyes. This will allow us to harvest it for our meal.”

“Right,” Haruhi tensed herself, taking out her knife and gripping it in her teeth. Then she rapidly belly crawled forward to the shoots sticking out of the ground. Seizing the parsnips, Haruhi ripped them out of the ground.

“Par? PAR!” the pale tubers cried, their eyes opening, and mouths revealing needle sharp teeth.

Hastily, Haruhi thwacked them on the ground with all her strength, then used a knife to stab them in the eyes. One managed to bite Haruhi’s ankle, drawing blood, but she shook it off then stomped on it hard with her boots.

“Ha ha! Face my wrath, Umbelliferae!” Megumin cackled, plucking out two parsnips of her own. One bit her finger, causing her to swear, but Megumin steadfastly cracked the vegetables on the ground, knocking them senseless before stabbing them.

“That was fun!” Haruhi laughed. “Oh, I got experience for that! Damn, even some basic foraging here is great!”

“Yes, it is why farmers are always the strongest in their community, for tussling with vegetables and livestock requires a hardy will. I myself once was a farmer, until the siren call of adventure lured me away,” Megumin bragged. She stuffed the parsnips into the pouch at her belt, then pointed. “There, wild garlic! Come, we must hasten before they-”

“GAR! GAR! GAR!”

Little white bulbs with green stalks that looked like hair popped out of the ground and bounced forward, eyes glowing red, vampire-like fangs bared.

“Defend yourself!” Megumin warned, and began to flail about with her staff rather artlessly, though she did smack several garlic bulbs hard enough to send them flying.

Haruhi stabbed with her knife and grabbed another bulb, even as it bit at her. She repeated the process of slamming the vegetables to the ground and stomping and stabbing them into submission. However, after a few successful slayings, the garlic lost heart and tried to flee from the two warrior gardeners.

“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Haruhi declared, and dropped her knife, drawing her sword. “SECRET TECHNIQUE! VEGETABLE STIR FRY!”

None of the garlic escaped Haruhi’s blade, much to her delight, though they did have to wash off the corpses of the garlic in the pond to get the dirt off of them. They didn’t manage to find any wild onions, but Haruhi declared their mission a great success regardless, and Megumin agreed.

“Behold, the mighty slayers return with the bounty of the forest!” Megumin bragged when they came back to camp.

Mikuru had the pot over a fire on a tripod, and was putting in some of the spices Kyon had brought to a boiling broth. They cut up the parsnips and added them according to Mikuru’s directives, along with some potatoes Kyon had brought, along with various other ingredients.

“Huh, that doesn’t smell half bad,” Kazuma observed as the stew came together. He reached out with a spoon, only for Mikuru to swat his knuckles with her ladle.

“No! It’s not ready yet!” Mikuru said, then blushed. “Um, sorry! I-I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

“As the foremost chef of the SOS Brigade, it is your duty to defend your art from vile miscreants that would pilfer your wares,” Haruhi said.

“Of course! One must defend their honor as an artist,” Megumin agreed, nodding solemnly.

Kyon groaned and put his head in his hands. “She’s even talking like one of them now…”

Haruhi put her hands on her hips and glared at Kyon. “Hey! Don’t be racist! You have to learn to appreciate other cultures, Kyon! As they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do! Well, we’re in the Crimson Demon village, so we shall do as the Crimson Demons do! So behave, Kyon, or my divine wrath will smite thee from on high for not getting into the spirit of things properly!”

“Hmm. I was never the religious sort before, but she’s not bad,” Megumin mused, rubbing her chin. “Maybe if she had a pair of cat ears like the cat-goddess…”

“Cat girls are clearly inferior! It’s the bunny girls who are really sexy!” Haruhi declared, and reached into her backpack. A moment later, she pulled out the bunny ears, bodysuit, and fishnet stockings. “Hmm, I wasn’t going to change until the climactic final battle, but maybe I should make Mikuru wear this until it’s time…”

Absently, Haruhi stuck the bunny ears on her head, which wiggled a bit. They were  enchanted, naturally, so they behaved like real rabbit ears.

“You’re not seriously going to wear that into battle are you!? You’d have to be nuts! That flimsy thing won’t protect you!” Kyon protested.

“Shows what you know, outsider,” Megumin said, a smug grin on her face. “Those items were made by Chekera, foremost Tailor of the Crimson Demon clan!”

“I don’t care if that cosplay was made in the Heian period, how can that protect you in battle?” Kyon said, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

In response, Haruhi leapt up in the air and did a flying kick 10 meters up in the air. Then she zipped around at top speed, the magic of the bunny ears allowing her to move faster than the eye could see. After three laps, she stopped in front of the gobsmacked Kyon, who was standing there, his mouth hanging open, one finger slowly sagging down as his protests died.

“Didn’t you hear? It was made by the foremost tailor of the Crimson Demon Clan! The ears are enchanted to give you super speed, while the tail makes you immune to most status effects. The fishnets give you Evasion, and the body suit deflects all arrows!”

“This world doesn’t make any goddamn sense,” Kyon grumbled.

“I know, but it’s actually pretty fun once you get used to it,” Kazuma told him sympathetically. Then he turned to glare at Haruhi. “But my daughter isn’t going to battle the devil king dressed like that!”

“Shut up, you’re not my real dad!”

They argued back and forth until the stew was done, and Mikuru put a bowl of it in Haruhi’s hands.

“Um, I’m not sure how it turned out, but…please enjoy!” Mikuru said, blushing nervously.

“Anything made by you has to be good, Miss Asahina,” Kyon vowed, then looked down into the stew. Chunks of meat and vegetables floated in the thick grease, which left a sheen atop the food.

Haruhi took a bite, then made a face. It was really greasy. The flavor was pretty gamey too. Not awful, but far from what she’d imagined…

“Hey, this is great! This is some of the most experience rich food I’ve seen! I can’t believe this is just One Punch Bear, not dragon liver or manticor!” Megumin said, and began to eagerly devour her portion.

Haruhi blinked, then took another bite. Yeah, it wasn’t the tastiest thing ever, but…she could feel herself getting stronger! “Ha! I knew that my superior hunting skills would result in an incredible dish!” She dug in, though Aqua and Kazuma were eating some rice and vegetables he’d fried up for them.

“Aren’t you two going to eat this? It’s loaded with experience, and that rice has none!” Haruhi pointed out.

“I’m at the level cap, so I just eat what tastes good,” Aqua said with a shrug.

“I’m maxed out in skills and stats, no point in gaining more,” Kazuma agreed. “That looks nasty.”

Feeling wounded, Haruhi stuck her nose in the air. “You two just don’t appreciate your daughter's great culinary talent.”

“What?! Mikuru cooked that, not you! Oh, give it here,” Kazuma sighed, and took some stew, pouring it over the rice. He took a bite, and forced a smile on his face. “It’s not too bad. Good job you two.”

“Thank you!” Mikuru said, smiling in delight. “I have some ideas to improve the recipe for next time!”

“Oh. Wonderful.” Kazuma made himself eat it, while Aqua tried it herself.

“Not too bad! I think you over seasoned it though. The fresh garlic is good though, it enhances the flavor.”

“Well, at least we’ll level up before we get to the final boss. Even if it is off greasy stew,” Kyon said by way of a backhanded compliment.

Haruhi didn’t care. That night, she lay on her back, looking up at the alien sky, a huge grin on her face.

This was exactly the life she wanted. One with adventure, and new experiences every day. Her friends at her side, and an epic quest before them. She tried not to think about the dangers ahead, and focused on the fun they were having now.

Though she couldn’t help but wonder how things were going back home, or for her wayward cousin.