Konowars, Chapter XXI: Thanks, but No Thanks (Patreon)

Having spent most of his life on a desert planet, Kazuma had grown up with a reverence for water. It was a precious, valuable commodity, something that his family’s entire livelihood was based around. Last he’d checked (which was to say the day he’d left) his Uncle and Aunt had still spent all day every day squeezing every last drop of moisture out of the inhospitable Tatooine atmosphere.

Now, however, Kazuma hated water, and actually sort of wanted to go home so he’d never have to deal with the awful stuff again.

There was so much water in the air that Kazuma felt like he was drowning when he took a breath. His clothes were wet all the time, and he was fairly certain they were starting to rot too. He had mold between his toes, and on other parts of his anatomy he didn’t even realize COULD mold. He woke up wet, and he went to bed wet.

Between this and the snow on Hoth, Kazuma was done with water. He almost missed the sand.

Almost.

“Give up already, you have?”

“As wet as this place is, why do you look like a kowakian that got left out in the sun too long?” Kazuma said, not opening his eyes. The entire planet. How did his stupid luck let him land where the ONE annoying jedi master on the entire planet was?!

“Good. Waste my time anymore, you will not.”

Kazuma opened his eye to see Yoda hobbling off to where Megumin and Yunyun were already up and doing calisthenics. “That’s it? You’re not going to pester me?”

“To old I am to babysit. If a child you are,for you my training  is not. If worthless layabout you are, no desire to train you have I,” Yoda said, not even bothering to turn around.

“Are you calling me a NEET?” Kazuma demanded, now sitting up and throwing off his sleeping bag.

“Neat? No. Messy slob you are. If a padawan you were, kicked out you would be. A more slovenly child, I have not met.” Yoda half turned and frowned at Kazuma. “Back to sleep you go. Suits you, idleness does.”

“I AM NOT A DAMNED NEET!” Kazuma shouted, jumping up, nostrils flaring in outrage. “I am a damn war hero, I’ll have you know! And I never just lazed about in my room no matter WHAT Megumin and Yunyun said. Sure, I spent as much time in there as I could, but it was air conditioned, so any person in their right mind would-”

“The face of someone who cares, this is not. Train, or do not train. There is no whine. The back of my hand, you will catch, when whine you do,” Yoda told Kazuma, then hobbled off to the two girls, still muttering under his breath.

“Master! Do we get to practice lightsaber dueling today!?” Megumin asked, pausing in her stretching and bounding on her heels eagerly.

Yunyun didn’t say anything, but she beamed at Kazuma when he slouched over and stood next to her.

“Ready for a lightsaber, you are not. Understanding of the meaning of the Jedi, we must find in you,” Yoda said. He frowned at Kazuma, but then turned to the girls. “Focus you lack.  Peace you have not. These things, a Jedi must have.”

“I’m totally focused! I hardly ever accidentally blow up things any more,” Megumin said, puffing out her chest.

“More worried about when you intend to blow them up, I am,” Yoda said dryly. He turned to the swamp, putting his hand on the small of his back and sighing. “Three stones I have placed in the forest. Find them you must. Your feelings, you must trust. Your eyes, deceive you they shall. To find them, peace you must attain.”

“Are you serious? You woke me up for a scavenger hunt?” Kazuma demanded, glaring at the short alien.

“Find them, or do not. The lesson this is. If learn you cannot, stop wasting my time you should.”

“OH YOU DON’T THINK I CAN FIND YOUR STUPID ROCKS DO YOU!? COME ON, GIRLS! LET’S SHOW POINTY EARS WHAT THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN CAN DO!”

Kazuma stalked off into the muck, too damn mad to care that he was getting his boots and pants wet. This uppity little booger thought Kazuma wasn’t worth training!? He’d show him!

Behind him, Yunyun beamed at Megumin. “He said he’s a Crimson Demon!”

“Duh. If he was practically adopted by the clan anyway,” Megumin remarked. “But I shall be the one who finds all three stones!” With a hoot, Megumin dashed off along the surface of the muck, arms extended behind her in what was known as the classic “Crimson Demon Run,” but what many would recognize as “weeb mode.”

“K-Kazuma! Megumin! Wait for me!” Yunyun shrilled, and hurried off after Kazuma, who was swearing and squelching along.

Behind them, Yoda groaned and rubbed his face with his hand. “Explain much, that does. Trouble that planet is. Too old for this I am. Worse than Anakin ever was these ones are.”

Then he went back into his hut and brewed himself a cup of tea. He absently wondered how long it would take them to figure out he’d put exactly zero stones out in the swamp. But he enjoyed the peace and quiet while it lasted.

Well, aside from the bellows of the vicious swamp predators coming to gruesome ends when they mistook the deadliest apex predators in the galaxy for snacks.

Several hours later, three muck drenched prospective padawans slogged back to Yoda’s hut. Kazuma was carrying a nearly comatose Megumin on his back, who was giggling in between almost passing out. Yunyun had a freshly healed wound on her forehead, and thick black smoke was still rising into the sky half a kilometer away from a rapidly filling newly created lake.

“We found the damn rocks,” Kazuma said, and dropped three stones onto the low table, then set Megumin down in Yoda’s own bed, where she promptly fell asleep.

Yoda wrinkled his nose at the mud now coating his bedsheets, then sighed and looked up at the other two. Yunyun looked hopeful and nervous, while Kazuma looked like he was ready to bite someone’s head off.

“Much anger I sense in you, young Skywalker. If a Jedi you wish to be, learn to master it, you must. Master you, anger has. Go: think on this.”

“Are you serious!? That’s it!? Freaking waste of my time,” Kazuma grumbled, and turned around. He let out a yip as he hit his head on the low beam, cursed some more, then practically crawled out of the hut.

Yunyun turned as if to go, but Yoda raised a hand. “Sit. Sensed what happened, I did.”

“Oh…so, um, you know about the Dragon Snake…I told Megumin she didn’t need to use a thermal detonator…but…” Yunyun wrang her hands as she sat kneeling on the floor, glancing at her snoring friend.

Yoda pursed his lips. She was perhaps the most puzzling of his supposed padawans. Megumin was an unstable maniac that Yoda was going to have to beat a little sense into.  If for no other reason than that she seemed the type to plunge the galaxy into war just because she couldn’t resist blowing things up. Kazuma was a young man with a chip on his shoulder, something Yoda had seen more than once. Especially in Anakin. Not even getting laid had really helped him though, and Yoda was fairly certain Kazuma needed something more as well.

Yunyun, however…she truly frightened Yoda. Unlike the others, she could be calm and rational when the situation required it, and seemed to actually want to make peace. She had even made a few snacks for Yoda, which he had appreciated. While he didn’t exactly mind surviving on bugs and fish, he did miss the occasional more refined dining opportunity.

And she was also capable of incredible violence and cold blooded murder without flinching. Yoda sensed within Yunyun the potential to utterly change the future of the galaxy, much as Anakin once had. Either she would topple the Empire and restore peace, ushering in a new age of the Jedi and Enlightenment…

Or she would become a ruler far more despotic than Palpatine had ever been, bringing an age of war and strife where her people arose at last and remade the stars in their own mad image.

A part of Yoda wished to strike down Yunyun now, when she was still relatively weak, and it was within his power to do so. But that was not the way of the Jedi. She had come to him seeking training, and for all the fear and doubt he sensed within her, he also saw the potential for great courage and wisdom.

“Your eyes, close them,” Yoda said gently.

Yunyun nodded, and closed her eyes, folding her hands in her lap.

“Fear. Doubt. Anxiety. Let go of these things you must.”

Yunyun bit her lip and nodded, shifting nervously, which made Yoda sigh.

“Do not try. Empty yourself. Your mind, let it be blank. Focus on the Force,” Yoda said gently.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Yunyun tried to comply with Yoda’s instruction. He didn’t expect it to work the first time; after all, she was untrained, and-

The emotions drained out of Yunyun. She slowly relaxed completely, her muscles unknotting as she emptied her mind, and simply let the Force flow into her. Yoda was impressed, and nodded in approval. She was strong, this one. “Good. Let the Force fill you. There is no emotion, there is peace. Focus on the first point of the Jedi code today we will.”

Yunyun nodded, and Yoda felt a powerful tug on the Force. His ears twitched and the old master couldn’t help but frown slightly. The last time he’d seen someone use this much of the Force…it had been his duel with Palpatine. This girl wasn’t at that level, not yet, but her capacity was-

“Empty myself,” Yunyun whispered. “Let it go.”

“Yes, child. The Force, all there is it is,” Yoda said.

Then he let out an involuntary gasp. Before, Yunyun had only been channeling the Light Side, but now in equal measure the Dark Side flooded the room. How could this girl hold both in such equal measure?! It should have been utterly impossible; the two halves of the Force were like oil and water, never meeting. But both flowed through Yunyun now, as the girl slowly rose up in the air. Bits of energy sparked off her, rattling Yoda’s dishes and causing one of his bundles of herbs to burst into flames.

“Behold, I am Yunyun! Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, and she who will one day lead our people to glory!” Yunyun declared, her eyes snapping open and glowing red. “For I need no friends, the Force shall guide me and-”

Yoda lifted up his stick and jabbed the girl in the nose with it.

“Ow!” Yunyun dropped down, the massive power she’d held vanishing in an instant. “W-what did I do? I-I was trying to follow your directions and…um…what happened?”

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Yoda shook his head. “Enough for today. Go. Find Kazuma. Spend time with him, you should. I shall see to this one.”

“Oh. OK! W-we can have a date!” Yunyun said happily, and scrambled out of the hut.

Yoda sat down hard on a stool, looking around as the disarray in his hut.

“Damn you, Kenobi. Too old I am for this,” Yoda groaned. “Rethink my curriculum I must. Too dangerous to let loose, these ones are.”

Behind him he heard, “Witness…power…my…fully operational…death station…zzzz.”

Yes. Definitely some changes to the curriculum.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

While there were a great many ways to die in the universe, being trapped in a moist, slimy cave and slowly suffocating to death was pretty high up on Darkness’ list of ways to go, along with “tortured to death in the Emperor’s dungeon” and “Death by Snu-snu.”

“I-I can’t believe it, trapped alone in space with only a crude smuggler and a vicious alien, doomed to die as a maiden!” Darkness panted, shuddering slightly at the very thought.

“Vicious alien?” Chewbacca muttered. “Wookies aren’t the ones to keep starting these pan galactic wars, you know.”

“We’re not dead yet, princess,” Han growled, giving her a glare. She shuddered slightly at that. It was as if he was dismissing her utterly, trampling her will beneath his, and degrading her with his very gaze! Yes, he was most certainly exactly the sort of man she wanted!

If only he would tie her down to his bunk and have his way with her, forcing her to-

No, no, they were actually in danger here. While Darkness didn’t mind the prospect of horrifying torture for herself (actually she rather looked forward to it) the thought of Han or even Chewbacca being hurt enraged her. She forced herself to calm down and think.

“We seem to be in the belly of some sort of organism…while I am educated in a variety of subjects, deep space fauna is one I am somewhat lacking in. What manner of ill tempered beast has imprisoned us, to surely slowly digest us in the most excruciating manner possible?!” Darkness panted, imagining something grisly and with lots of probing tentacles that would surely violate a maiden’s virtue in the most gratifying manner possible.

“There’s all sorts of nasty stuff out in the void, princess,” Han said, unstrapping himself and standing up. “Could be a space whale, space slug, or even neebray.”

Darkness tried not to grin at the mention of a “space slug” as that was exactly the sort of disgusting creature she wished to face in battle. “I understand well enough the first two, but what is a neebray?”

“Space manta ray, only all of these pests grow to enormous sizes,” Chewbacca explained as they all headed to the ship's cargo bay. “This is similar to the phenomena on water worlds where the fauna can reach much larger sizes than even the biggest game on Kashyyyk or other terrestrial worlds, due to the cube square law, don’t you know. The biggest issue is radiant heat, but-”

“Yeah, yeah, we can figure out what kind of nasty ate us after we kill it,” Han said, opening up a compartment and rummaging around. “For once I wish that kid was here.”

“Kazuma?” Darkness asked, feeling her heart skip a beat. Though Han was older, rougher, and more worldly, there was some special affection in her heart for the crude farmboy from Tatooine. She felt a connection with him on a deep level, and the way his eyes undressed her where he stood despite two other women vying for his affection…

“What? No, Megumin. That little menace always has enough explosives on her to level a city block, and for once that’d actually be useful,” Han commented.

“Did you know, I heard she used a fission missile on Hoth? The very idea! Only an utter barbarian would use radioactives on a lifebearing world,” Chewbacca huffed, digging out a tool box and several ancient power cells from storage.

“Yes, we were right there, I’m the one who told you!” Han said, coming up with several cables. “Right. So we have to figure out a way to blow a hole out of this thing before we’re dinner.”

“So, you are attempting to improvise an explosive?” Darkness asked, watching as Chewie and Han began to jury rig the various power cells.

“No, we’re trying to cook Mon Calimari sushi. Yes! Of course we are,” Han growled, his forehead wrinkling as he delicately adjusted something on the old cell.

“I have had many classes in improvised explosives and sabotage! I can be of assistance. And if one is about to explode, I can shelter you with my body, saving you with my very life!” Darkness offered, picking up one of the old batteries.

“Just be careful. They’re old and somewhat unstable, eh? Wouldn’t want them to go off early,” Chewbacca chuckled, lowering a pair of goggles as he worked on some wires.

Darkness tried to remember what she’d learned about improvising explosives from power cells. Something about cross wiring…she concentrated and fiddled with the connections. Yes, you had to be careful or-

There was a loud bang and an acrid stench, and a moment later Han and Chewier were both yelling, even as Darkness ears were still ringing. She frowned down at herself, then gasped. Something was eating away at her clothing! Apparently, what she had done had created a very powerful acid, which was now destroying even her thick winter clothing!

“Oh, how shameful, to have myself exposed before the rapacious eyes of-”

An all too familiar sensation of someone upending an entire bucket of icy water over Darkness’ head caused her to sputter and twitch. Then to her shock, Han actually grunted, lifting her into his arms, and bridal carrying her through the ship.

Had his baser instincts taken over now that Darkness’s clothes were practically falling off of her!? Was he about to force himself upon her, claiming her as his woman, finally making her a woman in truth, and no innocent-

Han dumped Darkness into the refresher, then turned the water on full blast. She sputtered and tried to stand, only for Han to push her back down. She could have forced him off of her, but she really wanted him to start- Yes! Yes, he was ripping her clothes off! Oh, oh, he was going to have his way with her, he-

“You blasted idiot! That acid can eat its way through a man in under a minute! CHEWIE, GET THE MEDKIT! Ow, ow! Dammit, it’s burning my hands!”

Darkness blinked, then through the mist of the water saw that Han’s hands were turning red just from brief contact with her clothes. She pulled him into the shower, thrusting his hands under the water. “Do not! The acid only burned my clothes!”

“What!? We have to get it off your skin, or it will…damn, your boobs really are perfect.”

Blushing, Darkness tried to cover herself with one hand, while keeping Han’s, well, hands, under the water. “Yes, but that acid merely tingles. It does not hurt my skin at all.”

“I have the medikit!” Chewie cried, bursting in. “How badly burned is-  oh.”

Darkness blushed, turning away. “H-how crude, to be ogled by two males! To have my clothes ripped away, and-”

“Yes, well, I’ll just dispose of these then. Do try to be quick, Han. We do have to get out of here, can’t have you two rucking all day.” With that, Chewie used a mop handle to lever Darkness’ now smoking garments into a hazardous waste container, leaving behind etched metal on the deck. Then he backed out and shut the door.

Darkness gave Han a hopeful grin. “W-well, I’m already disrobed, a-and we are sharing a shower, we can-”

Han slowly reached out to cup Darkness’ breast, only for his hand to shoot back and get thrust under the water again. “OW OW OW! That burns! How are you not hurt?!”

Darkness blinked, and looked down to see that there were still droplets of acid on her skin. “Well…it does tingle slightly?”

Unfortunately, Han had to leave then to go wash his hands with some special chemicals, leaving Darkness to sulk alone in the shower, with firm orders for her not to come out until she’d completely washed away the acid.

“It’s not fair, it should be hurting me,” she grumbled as she scrubbed herself. It barely even tingled, if she were honest. Han’s touch had burned far more than mere acid.

Once she was out and changed, she returned to the hold, where she found Han with his hands wrapped in bandages, muttering as he worked clumsily. He took one look at her and pointed to the corner. “You. Go sit there. On your hands! And don’t touch anything. I’ll deal with you later! You nearly killed us all, and worse you damaged my ship!”

“S-since I have been so poorly behaved…will you punish me most severely?!” Darkness asked hopefully as she complied with Han’s order.

“If my belt hadn’t been half burned off, I’d use it on you,” Han growled, blushing slightly.

Darkness resolved that as soon as they returned to civilization, she would buy Han a dozen belts. Real leather ones, with metal studs in them!

After several hours of working, Han and Chewie managed to create several bombs. Darkness was given them, and ordered to trek to as close to the beasts mouth as possible and plant them.

“Hopefully we can blow a hole in this thing and fly our way out. Just don’t drop those! They could go off! And it would probably rupture your suit if not you. You’d die of oxygen deprivation. Probably,” Han said.

“F-forcing me to carry these bombs, which could explode and shatter my frail form at any moment!” Darkness gasped, shuddering at the very thought.

“Frail my hairy arse,” Chewbacca muttered half under his breath, in a shocking display of vulgarity for the normally well mannered wookiee. He seemed a bit put off still about Darkness’s little incident, as a bit of acid had singed his fur, though thankfully he wasn’t harmed beyond his dignity.

Darkness trekked along in her spacesuit, lugging the bombs with her. She pretended to struggle with the package at first, but once she was fairly certain Han and Chewie couldn’t see her, simply lifted it up and set it on her shoulder before striding along. For some reason, she’s always been stronger than those around her. True, she trained her body daily and had access to the best food and health care, but her doctors had always been puzzled at her ability to lift multi-ton objects with relative ease. They’d called it “good breeding,” but she was adopted so that didn’t make sense.

Before long, Darkness came to even wetter, spongier ground, and she realized she was in the creature’s maw, standing on it’s tongue. Ahead of her, illuminated by her headlamp, she spotted large white stones that interlocked, which had to be the teeth.

“I am here, O mighty beast, to vanquish you!” Darkness declared, hefting the bombs. “Though you may attempt to violate me in all sorts of unspeakable ways, perhaps with your probing tentacles, which would slither into my clothes, then forcibly insert themselves into my-”

Oh, uh, hi. Er…are you my new fauna?

Darkness yipped and dropped the bombs, causing her to flinch. Sadly, they didn’t explode, which caused her to sigh in disappointment.

“I am Darkness Organa, Princess of Alderaan, O space demon! And though you attempt to torture me with vile acids or biting chains, you shall never break me!” Darkness declared, picking the bomb up to place it by the teeth.

Uh…huh. Well…I’m your new host, Sy-O! I’m an exogorth, and I'm very excited to meet you! I’ve been trying to add some respectable higher-order life forms to my ecosystem. Now, I know you’re oxygen breathing, so I’m working on adjusting my inner atmosphere to suit you. I’ll also work on-

“A-an Exogorth!? Are you a vile creature that captures hapless maidens, crudely taking your pleasure with them!? Perhaps your species must impregnant an unwilling vessel with it’s spawn, which would burst forth from-”

What!? NO! Look, I was trying to save you! I saw those other microorganisms trying to kill you, so I rescued you! Don’t worry, I’m adjusting some of my flora to produce nutrients you can eat, they’ll be ready soon. I hope you can meet some of the more interesting creatures that live in my ecosystem and get along. You’ll be the pride of my collection!

“S-so you will force us to eat your horrid secretions, which have mind warping properties?! Will you force us to ingest your fluids to impregnate us, then send us forth to propagate your monstrous race and-”

Where are you getting these ideas?! No, look. To an exogorth, having higher order microorganisms in their internal fauna is a point of pride! Why, Lm-U is always bragging about the colony of Gamorrians he’s got living inside of himself. I’ve never managed to keep a stable colony, but I’m hoping…is there at least a breeding population in that ship of yours?”

“Y-you intend to breed us like cattle!? Oh, oh, to have the males force themselves upon me, using me as their broodmare, forcing my body to be their plaything, and to birth a race of slaves to serve this horrible overlord in who’s stomach we dwell!” Darkness wrapped her arms about herself, sinking to her knees and drooling slightly. “Yes, and then perhaps you will find these Gamorrians, allowing them to satisfy their carnal pleasures upon my body, and-”

Uh…look. I don’t think this is going to work out. I was hoping for some…well, some more refined life forms. I…I don’t think you’re a good fit for my ecosystem. I…you should go. It’s not you, it’s me. Sorry. I’ll just open my mouth, and uh…look if you don’t leave on your own I’ll have to expel you.

Darkness watched in disappointment as the mouth slowly opened, revealing the space outside.

“You…you shall not force me to abase myself for your pleasure?”

No. Absolutely not.

“Nor will you use tentacles to ravage me?”

Exogorth don’t even HAVE tentacles!!! Where are you getting- no, no, I don’t want to know. Get out. Now.

“I-I am rejected even by this vicious beast?! My reputation as a maiden, ruined!” Darkness gasped, clutching herself and shuddering.

Which was when the tongue picked her up and swatted her back to the Falcon, causing her to gasp with pleasure. This was even better than getting blown up! To be so thoroughly rejected and debased!

Darkness hurried back to the ship, where she found Han and Chewie waiting in the airlock.

“Great job, Princess!” Han laughed, pounding Darkness on the back, and kissing her thoroughly. “That was one in a million! We got the hyperdrive fixed too. We can only make a short jump, but we’re home free once we’re out of this asteroid field!”

“I didn’t detect the bomb going off, what did you do?” Chewbacca asked as the Falcon lifted off and flew out of the space slug. The teeth snapped shut behind them, and the exogorth slithered deeper into its hole to sulk.

“I…I do not know,” Darkness admitted. She gave Han a sheepish grin. “Will…will you punish me, for damaging your ship earlier?”

“After that, there’s no way I would-”

“Yes, he will,” Chewbacca said. “It’s an hour long jump. Get it out of her system, Han. Before she does something reckless again.”

Darkness gave Han an eager grin. She had missed out on her fantasy of being digested and violated by a space monster, but perhaps…she grabbed Han and hustled him back to his cabin. An hour wasn’t much time, they had to get started!