Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 15. The Yaoi One. (Patreon)

“I can’t take much more!”

“Just loosen up, it’ll be over soon!“

“I-I can’t, I’ve never done it like this before!”

“Yes you can, stop whining!”

“But I’m the one who’s supposed to take the lead! I can’t just lay here and take it from you!”

“Argh! It’s so stiff though, did you even use any lube?!”

“Oooooo~”

Kazuma and Mitsurugi hesitated for a moment, nearly stumbling in their charge towards the foe. Neither one of them had made the last sound.

“Darkness?” Kazuma asked, but he was already pretty sure that wasn’t her.

“Major Sena?! You’re not watching us, are you?!” Mitsurugi asked, sounding panicked.

“I, ah, I have been assigned as your Combat Coordinator for this battle,” Sena said over the radio, her voice breathy and panting. “I didn’t…I didn’t realize you boys…were this way. Oh my.”

“IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Kazuma and Mitsurugi said in unison.

“Mhmm. It’s Ok. We’re very open minded here, you know. Two men becoming lovers on the battlefield isn’t shameful at all!” Sena said encouragingly.

“Weren’t you just talking shit about Darkness for being horny on main when something important was going on, lady!? We’re just trying to do our job!” Kazuma protested.

“I would never debase myself with a man of such low character as this fiend! I am saving myself for someone virtuous, like Lady Lalatina!” Mitsurugi added.

Kazuma and Sena were both silent for a moment, with Sena even appearing on screen and adjusting her glasses to squint at Mitsurugi in disbelief.

“Is he always this delusional?” Kazuma asked Sena bluntly, turning the mecha back towards the enemy and racing onwards.

“Well he still hasn’t noticed that Fio and Clemea would both happily warm his bed. They’re both respectable girls, unlike that hussy he claims to love. I’m certain it’s because he’s gay,” Sena said bluntly.

“W-what?! NO! And how dare you say that about Lady- OOOOOO! Not so hard, Kazuma!”

“Shut up and fight! Sena, if you have something useful to say, say it now!” Kazuma snarled as they formed up with the rest of the army. Already, they were taking fire from the enemy, and Kazuma was returning fire. Or, well, Mitsurgi was. It was kinda embarrassing.

“Can you not wiggle around so much?!” Kazuma demanded as he jinked the mecha to the side, firing the main cannons and taking out one of the smaller mecha. He drew the energy sword next and cut another one down easily. Damn. Mitsurugi’s mecha really was well made. It had the perfect balance of speed, firepower, and defensive stats, as the shots that hit his armor were absorbed or deflected easily. It made him kinda jealous.

“Well if someone wasn’t poking me in the OOOOO~!” Mitsurugi moaned, shuddering slightly.

Kazuma felt like puking. Wait, was this what the girls felt like when they had to be around naked women? Looking at someone else’s shapely ass, their well toned thighs, their- NO, NO NO NO! HE WASN’T GAY!

“K-kazuma, b-be more gentle, I can’t take much more,” Mitsurugi panted.

“Damn, I wouldn’t have taken him for a power bottom,” Sena commented. “Or you for a top, Kazuma.”

“Look, it’s not like that, we’re just fusing! I meant to fuse with Darkness!” Kazuma protested.

“Yes, but isn’t this so much better? The heat of the battlefield, the bonds between brothers in arms, blossoming into-”

“If you say love I’m quitting this fight and finding you so I can punch you in your stupid face,” Kazuma snarled, even as he used his beam saber to bisect several other mecha, Mitsurugi shuddering and moaning under him.

That felt…way too good. But if it were Darkness doing the moaning…or Chris or Megumin…or Aqua…

The half chub Kazuma had been developing instantly died at the thought of Aqua moaning and rubbing up against him, and he breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He definitely wasn’t in to Mitsurugi, or his muscular ass, or well toned thighs, or-

“DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLLLLLLL!” Kazuma screamed, and threw himself and Mitsurugi against the enemy with wild abandon, even bum rushing a whole horde of foes, laser fire pinging off the armor as missiles exploded around him and shrapnel bounced off the sides.

“K-Kazuma! I can feel that! Please, be gentle, I do not wish to die as we aaaaa~!” Mitsurugi groaned and rubbed against Kazuma in the most infuriating fashion. He had to keep going. He had to kill them all, kill them before-

“KAZUMA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Something slammed into Kazuma from behind and tackled him to the ground, shaking him so badly that he was knocked senseless for a moment. When he came to, Darkness’ mecha was standing over him, shielding him from concentrated firepower on all sides, while Chris covered them with some rather fancy footwork, the rest of the knights forming up behind them in their mecha as the two sides slugged it out with both long ranged firepower and beam sabers.

All around Kazuma, there were dozens of mecha down on both sides. Ruined farmland and buildings was all around them, with the air choked with dust and smoke. Now that he was paying attention and his head had stopped ringing, he realized that both Sena and Darkness were shouting at him in various states of distress and concern. He muted Sena, because screw her but not that way, and focused on Darkness.

“-supposed to be your shield! That was foolish and reckless! You might be more powerful than the average mecha, but when you broke your line you nearly got yourself killed, and now we’re over extended!” Darkness was ranting.

“You’re just jealous I got beat up and you didn’t,” Kazuma groaned, and prodded Mitsurugi. “Come on. Back on your feet.”

“I…I am not ready for another round yet. I am too sore,” Mitsurugi moaned, but did manage to get the mecha back up.

“Shit. My armor really is shot, and my energy is almost spent,” Kazuma grunted, looking at the readouts. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“You’re not the one taking it!” Mitsurugi protested, but Kazuma steadfastly ignored him.

“Is he OK?” Megumin’s voice came over the radio, sounding rather concerned.

“He’ll live,” Darkness said grimly, wincing as another missile impacted her mecha as she continued to shield Kazuma.

“GOOD BECAUSE I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!” Megumin snarled. “THAT WAS STUPID! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SOFTEN THEM UP BEFORE YOU CHARGED IN! NOW HOW CAN THEY WITNESS THE GLORY OF THE WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON!?”

“Of course that’s what you’re worried about,” Kazuma muttered. He unmuted Sena, who was having a minor panic attack, and spoke over her, “Right, controller lady, where’s Wolbach?”

“How could you abuse your uke like this!? You are the worst-”

“If you finish that sentence I’m calling off this war to strap you to this mecha and use you as a baseball bat! Now where is Wolbach!” Kazuma snarled.

“Ugh, command signals are up over that ridge. And there’s…oh. Um, you may want to run.”

“Let me guess, massive power build up?” Kazuma sighed.

“Er, yes. I, ah, was a bit distracted, so, uh-”

“So you’re a hypocrite who’s just as dumb and horny as Darkness but you’re uglier and meaner about it,” Kazuma snapped. “Megumin! Chris! Darkness! Wolbach is charging her lasers up atop that ridge! We’re sitting ducks for her big gun now!”

“Dammit all, Kazuma! This is what you get for thinking with your dick!” Chris snapped back. “Ugh, I can’t disengage, if I do they’ll swarm us! We’re pinned!”

“Kazuma is too damaged to break their lines again. I could do it but…” Darkness trailed off, and Kazuma understood her meaning all too well. If she did, most of the knights, and probably Kazuma too, would be dead.

“Clearly, it is time for the heroine of the hour to arise,” Megumin said, and stepped forward. Her main cannon began to glow, and she pointed it uphill. “Witness now the work of the FOREMOST GENIUS of the Crimson Pirate Clan!”

“Uh, Chris, might wanna pull back,” Kazuma said.

“Way ahead of you,” Chris said from behind him, and Kazuma was shocked to see her crouching down behind him. “Go get ‘em tiger.”

Before Megumin could step up to the line though, Wolbach’s mecha appeared above them.

“So, you still defy me, my former apprentice?” Wolbach’s voice boomed down, her own wave motion gun glowing with power. “You still cling to these foolish humans who scorned both of us?”

“A Crimson Pirate never does evil, always walking the path of righteousness and using their might for good!” Megumin shot back.

“...you know, someone really needs to sit you people down and explain exactly what a pirate really is,” Wolbach sighed.

“A hero for hire who never fails in deeds of daring do and always gets the treasure through SUPERIOR FIREPOWER!” Megumin roared, the oversized Wave Motion Explosion Cannon on her chest opening up wide and igniting with crimson light. “FACE ME NOW, WOLBACH!”

“She’s going to get us all killed!” Kazuma cried, even as Wolbach’s own cannon whined with power.

“WITNESS NOW THE LIGHT OF THE VOID!” Megumin shouted, posing her mecha dramatically.

“This is the end for you, humans!” Wolbach declared, taking her own dramatic pose as her troops suddenly realized that anywhere but here would be a good place to be, and took off at a dead run.

“Kazuma, quickly, end the fusion!” Darkness urged, gripping his mecha’s shoulder. “We have to-”

“Where’s the off button!?” Kazuma wailed, looking around frantically. “We’re done here!”

“Was…was it good for you too?” Mitsurugi sighed, and suddenly relaxed. The fusion finally ended, and Kazuma found himself in Darkness’s massive hand, his mecha slumped slightly.

In the background, Megumin continued her insane chant. “I CALL FORTH THE ECHO OF CREATION, THE MOMENT OF DESTRUCTION FROM WHICH ALL LIFE COMES AND WILL GO!”

“Now, Kazuma, we have to shield everyone! I must be their shield!” Darkness urged.

“Yeah I just…I’m worn out,” Kazuma admitted, looking at his mecha’s energy reading. “Where’s Aqua when you need her?”

“WAVE MOTION-”

“Kazuma, don’t think about Aqua, think about how huge Darkness’ tits are!” Chris urged. “As big as your head! In the palm of your hand!”

Kazuma closed his eyes, willing it to work, and slammed the button again. Somehow, it actually managed to activate, and he found himself above Darkness this time, with her strapped down on the table instead of him for once.

“Oh, now it works properly!” Kazuma grumbled.

“No time! Shield everyone, hurry!” Darkness begged. “I can take it!”

“Crazy masochist,” Kazuma chuckled, and brought up the mecha’s massive shield, forming a barrier between them and the coming cataclysm.

“-CANNON!  FIRE!” Megumin and Wolbach screamed as one, and the world went white. Darkness shouted for joy as the blast wave hit her, and Kazuma grunted in pain as the shockwave passed through him, making his organs feel like they’d been slapped.

By the time his vision cleared some moments later, he was laying alone in the Gurren on the ground, with his ears still ringing. He slowly managed to get up, and looked around the battlefield. There was a clear line where Darkness’s barrier had stood: In front of it, the ground had been turned to glass, then blasted to bits by the massive collision of two Wave Motion Explosion Cannons. Behind the barrier though, the knights and their mecha lay on the ground, groaning and in pain, but mostly intact.

“Darkness?” Kazuma croaked. “Are you?”

“Mmmmm. That was…nice,” Darkness sighed in his ear. Her image popped up on his screen, with her hair sweaty and tousled, her uniform in disarray with the zipper undone to her navel, her breasts nearly popping out. She was slumped in her seat, eyes closed and a beatific smile on her face. “Did…did I save everyone?”

“You did great, beautiful. We’re alive. I think,” Kazuma said, managing to get the Gurren on its feet. “Chris?”

“‘M OK. Mostly. I think. Ow,” Chris complained, getting to one knee and managing to give Kazuma a thumbs up.

“Hehe. He called me beautiful. Oooo, that is the sort of humiliation…I enjoy…” Darkness sighed. Then she started snoring.

“I guess it was good for her then,” Kazuma chuckled. He looked around, then felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. “MEGUMIN!”

In moments, both Kazuma and Chris were scouring the battlefield, frantically looking for any sign of Megumin or her mecha. They found the burned out husk of the mecha implanted in the side of a hill several hundred meters away, but when Kazuma scrambled out of the Gurren, he found that it was empty.

“Where could she be?!” Kazuma cried, looking around frantically. Their foes were apparently all destroyed utterly, but what about Megumin? How had she even-

“BW-AH-HA-HA-HA! BEHOLD! THE FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN AND TRUE MISTRESS OF DESTRUCTION, SHE WHO WIELDS THE WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON WITH MASTERY ABOVE ALL OTHERS!”

Kazuma spun just in time to see Megumin, posing atop the ruin of Wolbach’s mecha, a small black object held above her head in both hands, wild grin on her face.

“Megumin!” Chris cried, and jumped out of her own mecha, running over to nearly tackle the other girl in a hug, which nearly sent whatever it was Megumin was holding flying. “You’re alive, you crazy maniac! You did it!”

“Hmph, yes, I did,” Megumin said, frowning at Chris as she was squeezed tightly. “No so hard, I think I bruised a rib.”

Kazuma came forward and stood there somewhat awkwardly, uncertain of what to do. That is, until Chris grabbed him and dragged him into the hug. “See, we were both angry at you because we thought you were dead. That was pretty amazing.”

“Oh? How many points would you give that?” Megumin asked, glancing at Kazuma and awkwardly putting one arm around him, the other clutching the thing she had in the crook of her arm.

He gave her a squeeze back and smiled. “At least 1000. You did kill the big boss.”

“HA! ONE THOUSAND POINTS! TRULY I AM THE VICTOR THIS DAY!” Megumin cackled.

Kazuma and Chris exchanged a look, then grabbed Megumin. Kazuma gave her a noogie, rubbing his knuckles along her scalp with her in a headlock, while Chris relentlessly tickled Megumin.

“YOU INSANE IDIOT, YOU ALMOST KILLED US ALL!” Kazuma ranted as Megumin squirmed and squawked.

“You moron, I thought you were dead in some stupid act of selfless heroism that was totally pointless!” Chris hissed.

“HA HA, OW! HA, AH, STOP IT!” Megumin wheezed, trying to wiggle out of the attack. “I really did bruise a-”

“NYAAAAAA!”

A small black furry shape darted out of Megumin’s elbow, then began to dash across the scorched ground.

“NOOOOO! My prize! Don’t let her get away!” Megumin wailed. Kazuma and Chris let her go, and Megumin dashed after the…cat?

Whatever it was, it was about the size of a kitten, with a long tail and two black wings. Megumin snatched the cat-thing up, holding it up to her face and grinning. “Now I am the master! Ha! You cannot escape me!”

“HSSSSSSS!” said the cat.

“Weird. What is that thing? Where did you get it?” Kazuma asked, coming over and frowning at it. There was a red marking on the cat-things forehead, though aside from that and the wings it did look like a small cat.

“Thing? Thing!? I am no thing! You continue to de-person anyone that isn’t human, fool!” the cat snarled.

“Oh hell. Megumin, please tell me that isn’t what I think it is,” Chris sighed, putting her head in her hands.

“Oh shut up, Eris. You really are the goddess of discord. You and Aqua were always causing problems and fraternizing with the mortals instead of DOING YOUR JOBS!” the cat raged.

“HEY! That thing with the apple was just a prank, and it’s not my fault some people took it the wrong way!” Chris argued, sticking her finger in the cat’s face. Which was then scorched when the cat shot out a jet of flame.

“OW OW OW!” Chris wailed, blowing on her finger.

Kazuma studied the cat more carefully, tilting his head. “Is that…Wolbach?”

“Of course it is! Just because I have been diminished in defeat doesn’t make me any less who I am!” Wolbach the cat hissed.

“No. She is my familiar. Chomusuke,” Megumin said smugly. “I’m going to get her a red ribbon and a bell to wear on her neck.”

“NYAAAAAA!” Wolbach snarled, and tried to bite and scratch at Megumin, only for her to be suddenly grabbed by the scruff of the neck, causing her to dangle limply like a kitten.

“Ha! My power is too great for you!” Megumin chortled.

“You know, they say there’s more than one way to skin a cat,” Chris said darkly, holding her burned hand and glaring at Wolbach. “I don’t suppose we could test out a few.”

“No! Chomusuke is my pet! You can’t skin her,” Megumin said, clutching the suddenly stiff and calm Wolbach to her breast. “How could you harm such an adorable creature?”

“I don’t buy it,” Kazuma said, folding his arms over his chest. Since when was Megumin into cutesy stuff?

“Uh, meow,” Wolbach coughed, sounding rather unconvincing.

“Besides, I have not yet extracted all her knowledge. While I have surpassed Wolbach in many ways, she is an experienced weapons engineer. I will force her to tell me more on how to improve the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and how to further enhance the fusion with Kazuma to allow my power to soar to ever greater heights!”

Nodding, Kazuma sighed. “That sounds more like it.”

“Well…if Wolbach has to spend eternity trapped in this form…” Chris rubbed her chin, then shrugged.

“Eternity!? I just reverted to this because the damn girl shoved a cat in my face and I was dying! It was take on this host or-”

Wolbach trailed off as Kazuma and Chris glared at her.

“You know, if we’d captured Wolbach, she’d probably be executed. Very painfully,” Kazuma commented.

“On the other hand, Megumin’s pet cat Chomusuke has no reason to be burned at the stake,” Chris agreed. She smiled sweetly at Wolbach. “Your choice.”

Wolbach glared furiously at them, then looked at the smugly grinning Megumin. She let out a heavy sigh.

“Meow,” Chomusuke the cat said, looking like she’d just eaten a lemon.