The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 48 (Patreon)

The heavy pounding on Kazuma’s door at precisely the crack of dawn caused him to put a pillow over his head and snarl something profane, while Kyon moaned and rubbed his face in the bed next to Kazuma.

“Dammit Haruhi, what time is it even?”

“Time waits for no man, Kyon!” the eternally annoying and chipper voice of the nascent goddess declared, slightly muffled by the thick wooden door. “We have a Devil King to slay! So Carpe Diem and let us sally forth!”

“I’d rather Carpe Nocturne,” Kazuma complained, trying to snuggle deeper into the blankets and pillows.

“It should really be Carpe Sonumn, unless you mean to start our supposedly intrepid adventure at night,” Kyon remarked, shifting to swing his legs over the side of the bed.

Kazuma had to admit he’d sort of missed thick mattresses and western style beds. Futons and mats on the floor were properly Japanese and all, but there was just something decadent and luxurious about a feather mattress and four poster bed. Even if he did have to share the bed with Kyon. He could think of more appealing bedmates…

“You snore, you know,” Kazuma told Kyon, as Haruhi continued to bang on the door.

“So do you,” Kyon said, pulling on a tunic and fumbling with the straps and buttons.

“Kyon! Make Kazuma get up! Or I’ll start calling him dad again! And trust me, I know how to drive my dad crazy!”

“That’s because you drive everyone crazy,” Kyon snapped back. “Especially me!”

“I do not! Do I drive everyone crazy, Yuki?” Haruhi asked.

“Data inconclusive,” Yuki’s much softer voice said.

“Does she drive YOU crazy, Yuki?” Kazuma demanded, still refusing to get out of bed.

There was a moment of silence, where Kyon was actually holding his breath.

“Yes.”

“What!? Yuki!” Haruhi gasped, sounding genuinely hurt.

“Without Haruhi Suzumiya, I would not have accumulated junk data during the recursive time event last summer. Those errors compiled and resulted in the event where reality was re-written due to underlying errors in my operating system.”

“Oh, uh,” Haruhi said, sounding embarrassed enough that Kazuma actually sat up and paid attention.

“In a sense, Haruhi Suzumiya did indeed drive me crazy. It is because of this that I was able to become an individual. I am thankful.”

That was one of the longer speeches Kazuma had ever heard Yuki give, so he figured after that he needed a nap, and lay back down and rolled over.

“Well, you’re welcome, I guess? Kyon, Kazuma, hurry it up!”

“She’s going to keep banging on the door until you get up,” Kyon told Kazuma, pulling on his trousers and hopping around on one foot as he did so.

“Well, we’ll have to see who’s more stubborn then,” Kazuma said, pulling another pillow over his head.

“Hey, where’s Kazuma?” Aqua’s voice said. There was increased and loud banging. “KAZUMA, GET UP!”

“Great, now there’s two of them,” Kazuma groaned, and slid out of bed. He walked over and jerked the door open, glaring out. He found all three girls standing there, already dressed for the day. Yuki was wearing the same sailor uniform she always did, while Haruhi was dressed in a leather jerkin with a skirt under it and combat boots. Aqua had on her usual goddess ensemble, which was a bit weird but also comforting.

“What!? I’m up!” Kazuma snapped.

The reactions to Kazuma were mixed. Yuki stood there impassively as ever, apparently unperturbed at seeing Kazuma in his boxers and nothing else. Haruhi jerked back in horror and put a hand over her eyes, making retching sounds. Aqua, however, had her eyes go wide, and she blushed, covering her mouth with her hands.

Seeing the reactions, Kazuma leaned against the doorway and waggled his eyebrows. “Like what you see? Sorry, Yuki, Kyon’s already dressed, you missed the show.”

Yuki just blinked once, apparently not certain what Kazuma was getting at.

“Oh god, I don’t need to see my dad naked!” Haruhi wailed, turning around and shuddering. “MIKURU! MIKURU I NEED HEALING!”

“I, um…” Aqua lowered her hands then glared at Kazuma. “Now’s not the time for that! Get dressed so we can eat and go defeat the Devil Queen!”

Since she was still blushing, Kazuma leaned forward and poked Aqua in the nose. “Do we have to do it so early? Come back to bed, we can get a late start…”

“Hey Yuki, duck,” Kyon called.

“Huh?”

Something wet splashed into the back of Kazuma’s head, and sprinkled Aqua’s face, making her sputter. Kazuma turned to see Kyon with an empty glass of water in his hand, a look of long suffering on the other boy’s face.

“Just get dressed. You might like it here, but I think I’d rather get this over with and go back to Japan.”

“You didn’t have to soak me!” Kazuma stomped back inside and started getting dressed, with Kyon shutting the door before anyone got an eyeful.

By the time Kazuma made his way down the stairs, breakfast was well under way. Mikuru had on an apron, with her hair tied back in a bandana, and had been cooking up a storm despite the fact that they were staying at an inn. Kazuma vaguely recognized the innkeeper as one of Megumin’s former classmates. Either Funifura or Dodonko. He could never keep those two straight.

“Good morning!” Mikuru said, waving happily to Kazuma and setting a plate of bread, bacon, and eggs in front of Kazuma, along with some fried onions and mushrooms. “It’s not a normal Japanese breakfast, but Miss Funifura says that it’s a traditional Crimson Demon breakfast! I learned some new recipes, but I hope you enjoy it!”

“Yeah it’s fine,” Kazuma said. He used to be a rice or nothing guy, but damn if a heaping plate like this wasn’t a good way to start the day. Preferably around noon or so though.

To Kazuma’s surprise, Megumin slid into the seat across the table from him, looking as bright eyed and bushy tailed as ever.

“Good morning,” she said. “I see you have changed little and still prefer to laze about in bed all day.”

“The sun is barely up! And besides, it hasn’t been all that long for me and you know it!” Kazuma shot back.

“This sounds like an outrageous excuse to me,” Megumin sniffed. She turned to Aqua. “Well?”

Aqua, who had a mouthful of bacon, paused, her cheeks slightly puffed out, a bit of grease on her chin. She blinked at Megumin for a moment, before swallowing with a large gulp. “Well what?”

“Have you claimed him as we agreed upon, or shall we extract our just revenge? I trust you can still resurrect Kazuma if he’s done something too awful. Or Haruhi can.”

“What?!” Kazuma just about knocked over his chair standing up, while Aqua went beet red and looked down, obscuring her face behind her bangs.

“I, um…we did kiss,” Aqua admitted. “Did you and…?”

Now it was Megumin’s turn to blush and look away, even as Kazuma leered. “Uh, I have told Yunyun I would discuss it upon our return. I am not certain as to my feelings in that regard yet.”

Before Kazuma could start to fantasize about the prospect of yuri baiting in his party, Yunyun herself came into the inn. She had on a rather more eclectic outfit than she had before, now that Kazuma took a second look. It was somewhat more conservative than her old clothes, but combined what he could only think of as “video game PC asymmetry” in the design, with a red armband on her right sleeve, longer on the left side, one braid with many small red beads, the other with a red crimson ribbon woven through it. She looked like…well, the leader of the Crimson Demon Clan. She also walked much more confidently, though she was still soft spoken and had the occasional stutter.

“Good morning, everyone,” Yunyun said, coming over and resting a hand on Megumin’s shoulder. She leaned down, and thanks to his lip reading skill Kazuma caught the whispered, “Feeling better?”

“I told you, I’m fine,” Megumin snapped, but she didn’t shove Yunyun’s hand away, leaning into it slightly instead.

Huh. Kazuma couldn’t say they looked like lovers, but a lot of the vitriol that he’d seen Megumin hold over Yunyun was gone, while Yunyun seemed more confident and assertive. They’d actually grown up a little.

Which sort of scared him. What would happen to him in a decade? Could he avoid his fate?

There had to be a cure for male pattern baldness. The future couldn’t be so horrifying.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Looking around the small conference room at the Tsuruya, well, Natsuki mansion, but he still thought of it as Tsuruya’s mansion, Itsuki couldn’t help but feel slightly crestfallen. None of his old companions from the Organization sat around the table. The SOS Brigade was gone.

Kyoko was gone. Somehow, that hurt the worst.

Instead, he was surrounded by-

“I’m hungry. Where’s the salmon roe?”

By idiots.

“Now’s not the time, Hina,” the scruffy ruffian, who looked exactly like the yakuza thug he was, growled. The man’s name was…Nita? It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter. He was just an ordinary mortal.

That much could not be said of many of the other people sitting around the table, including the blue haired idiot asking for salmon roe. Somehow, he’d found two of Kyoko’s recruits, one of which was a blue haired simpleton, the other of which was-

“Hina, shut up, you’re making us look bad!” the other middle schooler girl hissed. “This is totally our chance, don’t blow it!”

“But I want the salmon roe,” Hina whined.

Itsuki swore that if those two were not incredibly powerful espers, he’d have kicked them out already. Not that they were the only children in the room.

“I could go for some snacks,” Kazuma agreed, rubbing his bald pate absently. He lounged at the table in his stained tracksuit. How could such an ugly idiot have given birth to a goddess like Haruhi? Especially considering who the mother was.

“Yeah, and some drinks! It’s just like old times!” Thalia said. Or Aqua. Koizumi still hadn’t figured out why she went by Thalia now.

“Can I have my knife back? I promise not to stab anyone. Kyon’s not here!”

“No,” Darkness said, turning to glare at the humanoid interface that was handcuffed to her. Then she blushed slightly. “You can stab me later.”

“Can we please focus?” Koizumi demanded. “The world is set to end in only two days.”

“Meh. The world is always about to end. We’ve handled it before,” Kazuma said, actually putting his feet up on the table. At least he’d put on…what sort of shoes were those? Crocs? Where on Earth had he gotten something that hideous?

“Feet off the table, Sato. It’s an antique,” Subaru said, frowning at Kazuma. To Itusuki’s surprise, Kazuma blew him a kiss, and really did take his feet off the table, though he shot an apologetic look at Tsuryua’s mother, who was sitting quietly beside her husband and not saying much.

“What resources do we have at our disposal?” Seiya demanded. At least there was one other adult in the room.

“What you see before you,” Itsuki said, gesturing to his ragtag collection of followers. He hadn’t been able to get a single member of the Organization to come to this meeting, and it weighed on him. He’d failed even there. And now-

The door banged open, and frantic looking Mori hurried in, dressed as, of all things, a maid. Koizumi was on his feet in an instant, his heart skipping a beat.

“Sorry I’m late. The others won’t be coming,” Mori said, hastily taking her seat at the long table.

Hina turned to her, looking hopeful. “Did you bring my salmon roe?”

“Actually yes, as it turns out. Though it was sent from the kitchen,” Mori said, passing a cup of salmon roe to Hina.

“Yay.” Hina began to eat the delicacy with her fingers, ignoring the chopsticks. If the girl wasn’t rumored to be able to take on ten of the Organization’s espers blindfolded and half asleep, Itsuki would have sent her packing, he swore.

Feeling much more confident, Itsuki looked around the room. “Right. First things first. Asakura: You said you were willing to talk with us?”

Ryoko gave Itsuki a sweet smile. “Oh yes. Kimidori is just so bossy! And with Yuki gone, there’s no one to balance things out, you know? Plus, destroying the world would be so awful! There’s just so much more to do. So yes, I’ll help, but I’m afraid I’m considered junk data. I can’t just stop the Sky Canopy Dominion, or the Data Overmind. Sorry!”

“But what are their weaknesses? How can we hinder their plan?” Itsuki pressed.

“Well, the Data Overmind was always concerned Haruhi would notice it. I was under strict orders not to reveal my existence or that of the Data Overmind. I could interfere with her emotional state to try to trigger auto evolution, which is why I really wanted to kill Kyon!”

“You’ve mentioned that. Trust me, I understand the feeling,” Kazuma said, tapping a finger on the table.

Thalia elbowed him.

“...but he is my daughter’s friend, and he’s not a bad kid. Stealing my baby girl’s first kiss though…”

For some reason, that made Darkness blush and look away. These people.

“The Sky Canopy Dominion is a godlike being. Seeing as we have two individuals who claim to be former deities…perhaps they can shed some light on how to stop it?” Koizumi said, turning a meaningful look to Thalia and Tiana. “Agent’s T and A?”

“Uh, well…it’s not really a god like we were,” Thalia said, looking flustered.

Tiana for her part was hiding behind her hand and blushing, while her husband gave her a flat look. Kazuma for his part was sniggering.

“Ah, yes, well, um, you see…they’re not gods, yes. They’re more like…greater spirits? They have vast power, but not real physical form. That limits them in some ways, but in others makes them more powerful,” Tiana said.

“I see…” A plan started to form on Itsuki’s head. “So what you’re saying is…”

“The Data Overmind has a physical form,” Asakura piped up. “So does the Sky Canopy Dominion. That’s what makes Kimidori think she’s so special. She’s the final avatar of the Data Overmind. And Kuyou is the same for the Sky Canopy Dominion. They’re more than just the bodies though, those are more like avatars in a game for them.”

Itsuki nodded, feeling slightly less elated. “Right, which I was going to say, means-”

“That’s what Eris used to do with Chris, right?” Kazuma piped up. “Her mortal avatar in Belzerg.”

“Yes, thank you, I think we just-”

“I know several binding rituals, and have prepared materials for just such an eventuality,” Seiya agreed.

Now this was just getting annoying. “Yes, so I was going to say we could-”

“Oh I get it, we can totally like just bind them into their mortal bodies, then pow! Fight ‘em and beat up!” Tsuruya declared.

“It’s not going to be that simple, but that is the essence of the idea, yes,” Koizumi said through gritted teeth. Like herding cats.

He hoped whatever Haruhi was up to, it was worth it.

Author's note: 

This one is shorter than normal, and was written mostly when I was really sick. I'm feeling better, and I hope we'll get back to more regular updates soon.