A Cat Is Fine, Too, Chapter 5 (Patreon)

It was a dark and stormy night. High atop her tower, the mighty sorceress and her minions concocted a powerful potion, muttering an incantation as she prepared to summon a mighty demon, to lay waste to her foes and-

“M-Megumin, what are you doing? Why are you writing that it’s dark and stormy? It’s a nice day, w-we should have our contest outside today.”

Megumin looked up from writing her letter and glowered at Yunyun, then took the tea that her best friend, I mean, arch-rival, had made for her, the kettle still whistling softly on the stove.

“You know why I have convened this coven, Yunyun. You are sworn to secrecy, and to our mighty alliance to banish the insidious foe that has infiltrated my home and disrupted the domestic tranquility of Axel!”

“I thought you just wanted to write a letter. And you said I could play with Chomusuke,” Yunyun said, sitting down and stroking the cat.

“I am the one who led us here!” Chomusuke purred, rubbing herself against Yunyun. “I have consented to allow you to also serve me, and to aid in my goal of ridding myself of that impetuous lesser half and claiming the affections of the male for myself.”

There was a snapping sound, and Yunyun sighed as Megumin broke her best pen and sent ink splattering all over the table. “I shall win in the battle of affection with Kazuma! I would not lose to Darkness, and I am not losing to my former pet!”

“Shouldn’t Kazuma get to pick who he likes?” Yunyun asked, weaving a spell to get the ink stains off the table.

“No!” Megumin and Chomusuke said at the same time.

“Hmph. If you wish to mate with the male, I shall grant you permission. So long as you agree to find me a suitable mate as well. One with sharp claws, and who is a good mouser,” Chomusuke sniffed.

“And I don’t mind him petting you and feeding you. But he’s mine, I tell you! Mine!” Megumin ranted. “And with this letter, I shall summon forth aid that shall secure us the victory! I know Kazuma’s weaknesses…and I shall exploit them!”

“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Megumin and Chomusuke cackled together, the cat hopping into Megumin’s lap and swishing her tail back and forth.

Yunyun gave them both a pained smile. At least they were including her in this. She would like to have a boyfriend though…or a girlfriend…actually, Yunyun just wanted a friend.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Kazuma sat morosely at the bar, not certain what to do. Wolbach was having a “girls night” with Wiz and Aqua. He wasn’t really sure what that meant, but they were probably going to a spa or shopping or something. Whatever it was, it was sure to be boring. Wolbach had half hinted she wouldn’t mind if he tagged along, but Kazuma had said he was going to have an ale at the bar with the boys. Which meant he was actually letting Dust sit with him tonight.

“You look down in the dumps my friend!” Dust said, slapping Kazuma on the back. “I know what will cheer you up! Another round!”

“Yeah, and are you buying?” Kazuma asked, frowning at Dust.

His fellow adventurer and sometimes drinking buddy gave Kazuma a wounded look. “Kazuma, you know me. Do you even need to ask?”

“Luna! Another round. I’m paying,” Kazuma grumbled, and put a few eris on the bar.

“Thanks, you’re a real pal!” Dust said happily, holding his empty mug up to Luna. “The dice were not my friend today. You really have to come gambling with me again. I just bet on you, and the money rolls in!”

“Yeah, sure,” Kazuma muttered, nodding to Luna as she topped off his mug. He took a long drink, smacking his lips. Booze: the solution to all of life’s problems.

After an hour or so of drinking, Dust shook his head. “Kashuma…you ain’t…you ain’t no *hic* fun tonight. I gots…I gots me two tickets! Lolisha gave ‘em to me fer…fer…ah whatever you wanna go to the Good Place tonight?”

Kazuma didn’t even have to think about it. He slammed his mug down, standing up and putting his fist to his heart. “Dust. You know what to do for a man who’s heart aches. Come, my brother. Let us celebrate tonight!”

Wandering through the evening city, Dust and Kazuma together sang a bawdy song, leaning on one another as if they were brothers.

Oh the ladies are lovely at our special place

They give us sweet dreams with their lovely face

So whether you like them to be tall or small

Come to the house where they welcome all!

There were other, far cruder verses in the song, but the general idea was the same.

Once they arrived, Kazuma and Dust banged the door down, with Dust producing two coupons. “Lolisa! I’ve come to collect! And one for my best friend!”

Kazuma almost said they were more like acquaintances, but since Dust was offering him a fantastic dream, he was willing to be best friends for at least one night.

“Oh, hi Dust, hi Kazuma!” The Loli Succubus said, waving and coming over with two forms. She was dressed in her usual lingerie, and Kazuma recognized her from his own interrupted dream a few months back. “Thanks for helping us out the other day with our little problem, Dust. Sena’s been a great customer since then! Please, fill out your forms. Though, uh…are you sure you want a dream tonight? You’re both pretty drunk…”

“Ah, you’re talented. Kazuma needs sweet dreams tonight!” Dust declared, and hastily began to fill out his form. “Lets see…hmm…yes, I want a girl about my age…boobs not too big…maybe a bit of a pushy one. You know, a real boss in the bedroom. Hmm, light brown hair, smiles a lot when she’s not mad…and a tail! She should have a tail. Those are very important.”

Lolisa giggled, taking Dust’s form. “Hmm, I wonder who that could be! Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

“Tell who?” Dust said defensively. “Just a dream girl. One I made up.”

Kazuma and Lolisa shared a knowing look. Well, at least Dust could very literally get lucky with Rin in his dreams tonight.

“Well, I know what I want. No flat chests for me: Great big hooters! Some real badonkadonks! And an elf! She definitely needs to be an elf. With red hair, cut short. And a red mark here, in the center of her forehead. Tall too, though I’m definitely taller.”

“Oh no you aren’t,” Lolisa said, half under her breath. “I think we can do something…though, uh, I didn’t know you’d met the General.”

“What general?! I didn’t meet any Generals of the Devil King!” Kazuma protested, doing his best to look innocent.

“What about the Dullahan?” Dust asked.

“Ok, I met him, but that was more of a-”

“And that slime guy you were telling me about in Alcanretia,” Dust continued. “And didn’t you get kidnapped by one when you visited Yunyun’s village?”

“Ok, fine! I’ve met a few! But I certainly wouldn’t sleep with any of them!” Kazuma snapped. Then he blushed. Well, maybe Wiz. But she didn’t count! And Wolbach was retired.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a dream, we won’t tell,” Lolisa teased. She hesitated, then lowered her voice. “Um, Kazuma…is ah, your archpriest…?”

“She’s out for the night, some weird shopping trip or something,” Kazuma said dismissively. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, great! We’ll deliver your dreams soon. Now hurry off to bed!” Lolisa said, and waved farewell as Dust and Kazuma sniggered and exited.

“Well, I’m off to bed. Gonna sleep real well tonight,” Kazuma declared, adjusting his belt and leering as they strode down the alley.

“Heh heh heh. Oh yeah! Nothing but good dreams for the both of us. See you later, pal! Thanks for the drinks!” Dust said, swaggering off himself.

Rubbing their hands, Dust and Kazuma hastened for their beds, and their eagerly awaited dreams. They didn’t see the three sets of glowing eyes watching them as they left the succubus shop.

“You’re way too good at this,” Megumin commented to Yunyun, who had picked their observation point. “You have got to stop stalking me.”

“I-I do not stalk you! I, um, I just gather intelligence…for our duels!” Yunyun protested. “B-besides…you said you wanted to spy on them…”

“Well, that was more interesting than them going to the bar. I’ve never been here before, but I’ve seen Kazuma come this way a few times,” Megumin commented.

“Hmm, this place smells of demons,” Chomusuke hissed, her tail twitching. “We should hunt them!”

“I-I took a bath this morning!” Yunyun protested, surreptitiously sniffing her own armpit.

“Not you. My familiar is powerful, and this must be a place of dark magic,” Megumin said, stepping out from behind the stacked crates they’d been hiding behind. “Let us reconnoiter more closely.”

The two girls and the cat headed for the unmarked shop, and opened it up. When she saw what was inside, Megumin raised her hand.

Darkness blacker than black, crimson redder than blood-

“Megumin! You can’t blow up this place!” Yunyun wailed, tackling Megumin to the floor. “My friend is here!”

“What friend!? You’re a loser with no friends at all!” Megumin protested, flailing about on the floor. “Get off me before I smite you as well!”

“Yunyun!? What are you doing here!” Lolisa flitted over, looking concerned. “Who is- oh. Megumin? But…we don’t normally serve girls…”

“Unhand me, that I might smite this streetwalker demoness who takes an overly familiar tone with me!” Megumin raged, shoving Yunyun off of her. She stood up, straightening her hat and glaring at Lolisa. “Speak, demon, before I destroy you!”

“Um, well…you just don’t recognize me like this,” Lolisa said, blushing. “But we’ve met before…”

“When!? I do not make a habit of speaking to women such as you!” Megumin spat.

Wincing, Lolisa made a shushing motion. “Shhh! The others are all out working, it’s just me minding the store tonight! But if someone hears you…”

“Um, I think I do recognize you…who are you?” Yunyun asked, frowning. “Were you one of the demons I tried to summon to, uh…”

“No, I’m…” Lolisa sighed. “It will be easier to show you…please don’t tell anyone…”

She spun about, and in a flash of magical energy, the succubus vanished, replaced by a pink haired girl who appeared to be the same age as Megumin and Yunyun. Instead of the provocative fetish gear she usually wore, Lolisa was now dressed in a fairly modest green and white dress with a knee length skirt. Her bat wings and tail were nowhere to be seen and she did indeed look like an ordinary person.

“Lolisa?!” both Crimson Demons gasped.

“Yeah…it’s actually short for um…loli succubus,” Lolisa admitted. “It’s not my real name…I don’t tell people that one, cause, um…”

“Because you are a demon and knowing your true name would allow us to command you!” Megumin gasped. She reached out and grabbed Lolisa’s shoulders. “How did Cadzuma and Dust learn your name?! What vile acts have they compelled you to?!”

“I thought you just were a part of Dust’s party and liked to visit Wiz’s shop,” Yunyun admitted. “I see you there all the time when I’m working…”

Lolisa blushed and looked down. “Uh, you see…this is my real job…and Kazuma doesn’t know my name! He and Dust…they’re just customers…”

Rage filled Megumin’s eyes again. “So, what did you do to them!? Did you lay with both at once, or-”

“No! That would, ah…well, it would probably kill them…I’m not very experienced and if I actually lay with a man I think I’d probably kill him…that’s why I don’t do that. The other succubi talk about it like it’s fun, but it’s also a good way to get a lot of people angry at you so they hunt you down and kill you. We just, ah…welllllll,” Lolisa tapped her pointer fingers together, blushing.

Yunyun gasped, covering her mouth with both hands. “You mean…you KISS them!?”

“Uh, I do Dust sometimes…when I give him dreams…I sort of…I mean…if I were a mortal…I like him,” Lolisa admitted.

Megumin and Yunyun exchanged disgusted looks. “Dust!?”

“He’s a horrible human being, even worse than Kazuma! By comparison, Kazuma is a chivalrous man who treats women with respect and always pays his debts!” Megumin snorted.

“Uh, even I wouldn’t date Dust…or be his friend…we talk sometimes but…uh…he’s kinda sleezy,” Yunyun said, looking embarrassed to be speaking ill of anyone.

“Not to me. He treats me…well…like a person. He’s helped me become a better succubus! My customer satisfaction rating has gone way up since Dust started helping me! I give him coupons as thanks,” Lolisa explained.

“Just what exactly do you do to them,” Megumin asked, her eyes narrowing. “Because if you have stolen Kazuma’s first kiss…”

Lolisa made a face. “Uh, no. Kazuma’s just…well…we deal with some scummy guys…but he’s the scummiest. I put up with him because he’s Dust’s friend, but…”

“You seriously like Dust better than Kazuma?” Megumin asked, looking baffled.

Yunyun shook her head. “Um, Lolisa, no offense…but you have really weird taste in friends…”

“Coming from you, that’s rich,” Megumin snorted, but she nodded her agreement.

“Hmph. Well, I still like Dust better,” Lolisa declared, folding her arms over her modest chest. “I just give them dreams. They fill out forms, like this, and then we give them an erotic dream with the partner they- HEY!”

Megumin had snatched the forms out of Lolisa’s hand, and was quickly reading it, her face growing redder and redder. “ARRRGHHH!”

Megumin ripped both papers in half, then tossed them on the floor and began to stomp on them.

“M-Megumin! Don’t do that! I have to give those forms to the other girls when they come back! I was going to take Dust’s dream, but-”

Megumin grabbed the front of Lolisa’s dress and pulled the succubus in close. “No. That is not at ALL what you are going to do. I have some changes. Changes that you WILL make to Kazuma’s dream. Understand?”

“No! I can’t do it! My honor as a succubus won’t allow it!” Lolisa protested. “Let me go! If you don’t, I…I’ll make you! I-I’m an Adventurer too, you know and-”

“Hmmm, I think not. You shall do as my servant says, Demon. Or I shall banish you.”

Lolisa froze, then slowly looked up to the brim of Megumin’s hat, where Chomusuke was crouching. She swallowed, her eyes going very wide. “G…G….G…Goddess! H-HELP!”

“Silence, demon,” Chomusuke hissed, and jumped onto Lolisa’s shoulders, curling her tail about the succubus’ neck. “You will do as my servant commands. I will banish my lesser half, and reclaim my stolen slave. You will do this, or…”

Chomusuke drew a claw across Lolia’s shoulder, drawing a bit of blood, and making the young succubi whimper, her eyes filling with tears.

“Stop it!” Yunyun snatched up Chomusuke, who yowled, then smacked Megumin upside the back of her head so hard that Megumin let go and staggered. “You’re being mean! Lolisa is my friend! Um, aren’t you?”

Tears trickling down her cheeks, Lolisa frantically nodded.

“Good! Now, Lolisa…listen…um…you see…Megumin is in love with Kazuma…she needs your help. You…you’d help her get the man she loves back, right?”

“Oh! Is it really like that?” Lolisa gasped.

Megumin looked sullen, but nodded. “Yes. I will claim him, and not allow that big breasted pointy eared floozy to steal him.”

“Oh! I see…well…um, most succubi would say it’s our job to poison love and spread misery…but I’m not actually a very good succubus. I’ll do it!” Lolisa agreed, wiping away her tears and smiling.

“Good. Because here is what you’ll do…” Megumin outlined her plan, filling out another form in exhaustive detail before giving it to Lolisa.

“Ok, I can do that,” Lolisa agreed. She eyed Chomusuke. “Um…you won’t hurt me…right?”

“If you perform your service well, I shall allow you to continue to exist upon this plane, yes,” Chomusuke agreed, licking the back of one of her paws as she perched atop the table they were sitting at.

“Oh thank goodness,” Lolisa said, sighing in relief. “Um, well…I’ve got work to do! So…”

“We shall take our leave. I will be waiting at the mansion. Do your job, demon,” Megumin huffed, picking up Chomusuke and cradling the cat in her arms. She flounced out, slamming the door of the shop behind her.

“Um, Lolisa, one other thing,” Yunyun said. She hastily took out a form, scribbling something on it. “Do this for Dust…OK?”

Lolisa read the form, then her eyes went wide. “B-but Yunyun! That would-”

“You’d enjoy it, right? And…well…I think Dust would too,” Yunyun said.

Tears filled Lolisa’s eyes, and she hugged Yunyun tightly. “Thank you! I…I wouldn’t have the courage myself…if there’s anything I can do for you…”

“Um…there is…one thing. Do you only do dreams for boys, or…?” Yunyun blushed, tapping her fingers together.

Lolisa laughed. “Mostly! It’s usually incubi for girls. But, for a friend…”

“Oh good! Um, I’ll just fill out this form then,” Yunyun said hastily. “Uh, I-I don’t want anything lewd, I just…I really want to have a birthday party, with friends…”

Lolisa nodded soberly. “I think I can do that.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-==-=-=-=

The glowing light of the teleport circle faded, and Wolbach let out a huge sigh. Then she brushed her damp hair out of her face, and grinned at Aqua and Wiz. “That was…”

“That was so much fun!” Aqua cackled, hefting the double armful of treasure she was carrying, coins falling out of her arms to ping on the floor of Wiz’s shop. “I haven’t killed that many undead in ages!”

Wiz was looking a little pale and breathing hard, but she managed to smile. “T-thank you for not banishing me along with the Vampire Lord, Aqua.”

“Hey, no problem. You’re my friend, not like that stinky vampire! Phew!” Aqua laughed, and set her treasure down on the table. “Help me count it! You guys both get a share too!”

“Eh, I got enough,” Wolbach said, tossing a small bag up in the air, then catching it. The bag jingled, and glowing gems could be seen within. “Between that and my sweet new belt, I got some good loot.”

“Yes, my shop hasn’t been doing so well, and Hoizabaru has such wonderful new items to order, so it was time for my monthly dungeon run!” Wiz said brightly, sitting down across from Aqua. “We’ll split the loot here 50-50, Aqua.”

“Sounds good! But I want the tiara!” Aqua took a silver tiara out of the pile, the crown gleaming with sapphire. “It matches my outfit!” Setting it on her head, Aqua preened and giggled.

“Oooo, nice, very good accessorizing. How’s mine look?” Wolbach asked, cocking her hips to show off her new belt. It was inscribed with magical runes, and had a few gemstones set into it.

“It goes perfectly with your robes!” Wiz said, clapping her hands. “Oh! What about this ring? Do you want it for Kazuma?”

Wiz held out a golden ring, which was inscribed with wings on it.

“Hmm, not a bad idea. The man’s kinda weak, he could use this to get out of tight spots,” Wolbach agreed, taking the ring and dropping it in her pouch. “I’ll give it to him as a present later.”

“What about you, Wiz? Oh, what about this arm band!” Aqua said, pushing across a platinum bracer set with rubies.

“Oh, that looks nice! Let me just try it -EEEEEEEEEE!” Wiz shrieked, falling to the floor and convulsing.

“You morons! That’s a Bracer of Regeneration! It hurts undead!” Wolbach snarled, ripping the magical item off of Wiz’s arm and beaning Aqua in the head with it.

“Wah! How was I supposed to know!” Aqua wailed, rubbing the welt on her forehead.

“Ugh…never mind. Wiz, are you OK? Here, drain a little energy from me,” Wolbach said, putting her hand in Wiz’s

“Oh…thank you…” Wiz used Drain Touch, and while Wolbach felt a little weaker, Wiz looked much better.

Sighing, Wolbach watched as Aqua and Wiz started to divide the spoils.

“Hmm, how much is this worth?” Aqua asked, holding up a gem.

“Oh, that’s 14,000 eris! Hmm, I already have 5000 eris, and you have 7000…so if I add my 5000 to 14000, that’s uh…hmm, let me get a pen and paper.”

“No, wait, I got it,” Aqua bit her lip and wagged her fingers a bit. “Seven plus 14…carry the one…uh…it’s…107000? No, wait…that’s if you multiply.”

Groaning, Wolbach put a hand to her forehead. That dungeon crawl had been fun, but these two… “I…I think I’ll just go. Will you two be long?”

“Oh, this shouldn’t take long!” Wiz said brightly. “Now let’s see…14 + 7…that’s twenty one…oh, but it’s in thousands…uh…1021? No, wait, that can’t be right…”

“Dummy, you have to line the numbers up, like this! There, see? Now, four plus seven is 11, and you have the on there, so it’s twelve.”

“I-I don’t think that’s right…oh, let me try again…”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be a while,” Wolbach groaned, rubbing her face. Then, an idea struck her. “Say, didn’t Darkness say she was going to visit her family?”

“Yeah, she’ll be gone for at least two days,” Aqua confirmed.

“And Megumin’s staying with Yunyun, so…”

“So what?” Aqua asked, looking up blankly at Wolbach.

“So Kazuma and I would have the mansion to ourselves,” Wolbach said, blushing furiously.

“Yeah, I guess. But I thought you were staying with Wiz,” Aqua asked.

“Oh, I could just count by sevens! Now, let’s see… seven…fourteen…twenty one! Ah, and then I add the zeroes…20001!” Wiz said brightly. Then she frowned. “Oh, no…that can’t be right…”

“...I’ll just be going then,” Wolbach said, and hastened out of the shop before her brain melted.

Charisma based casters. She loved Wiz like a sister, but that woman had clearly never been a wizard. As for Aqua…well…at least she was good at art.

Wolbach headed back to the mansion, feeling butterflies in her stomach. Her and Kazuma, alone together…no interruptions. She’d never been in a house alone with a man before…he was probably in bed already…what if Wolbach went into his bedroom wearing her new belt…and nothing else?

No, no, that was too forward, and too fast. Not that she intended to let Kazuma take the lead. She was an ancient and experienced goddess! She would be the one in control! Just, uh…maybe she’d just let him touch her again…or they could take a bath together…a proper one this time. She shivered slightly, excited at the prospect, but also nervous.

She practiced what she’d say on the way back, coaching herself on how to phrase it.

“Hey, Kazuma, I’m all sweaty from my dungeon crawl, can you wash my back?”

“No, that’s stupid. I don’t want him to think of me as some gross sweaty brute!”

“Oh, Kazuma, I felt like a warm bath. Would you wash my back? I’ll wash yours!”

“Hmm, better, but a little too plain…”

As Wolbach walked up the steps, she’d just about worked up what she would say, when she sniffed the air. Her blood ran cold.

“Demon! That’s a succubus! Oh, no! KAZUMA!”

She raced into the mansion, muttering a spell, her fingers crackling with lightning. She kicked open the door to Kazuma’s room, worried she’d find nothing but a dried out husk.

“AAAAAAH! NO, PLEASE, NOT AGAIN!”

A shrieking figure toppled off of Kazuma’s bed, then desperately scrambled for the open window. Wolbach pointed a finger, and the shutters slammed and locked themselves, as Wolbach advanced on her victim. “What have you done to Kazuma, demon?!”

“AAAAH! Please, no wait, I- huh? General Wolbach!?”

Wolbach froze, one hand raised as ice swirled about it, the other coated in flames. She looked down at the demoness, who had assumed the form of a young girl. Oddly, she didn’t have the normal bat ears and tail, having shapeshifted to resemble a normal human. Had she been seducing Kazuma, lying to him to suck him dry?

Looking over at Kazuma, Wolbach saw he was sleeping peacefully. In fact, he had a faint smile on his face. Some sort of spell was layered over him. It had to be a compulsion or charm, something to lure Kazuma to- wait. That was…a dream modification spell?

“What did you do to him, demon?” Wolbach hissed, bending over the frightened looking succubus.

“J-just what Megumin told me to! P-please! Don’t hurt Kazuma! He’s kind of a jerk, but…I know you’re a general, a-and that he killed a few of your peers…but he’s helped me out before! He’s a good human!” the young succubus pleaded, getting to her knees and catching the hem of Wolbach’s robe.

Wolbach lowered her hands, her spells fizzling. “Tell me exactly what’s going on, and why you’re here.”

As the succubus, who claimed to be named Lolisa of all things, babbled, Wolbach only got angrier. But not at the succubus.

“Kazuma Sato…you will pay for this!”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Kazuma was dreaming and knew it, but he didn’t mind. He sat in the hot springs in Alcanretia, relaxing in the warm mineral waters, which were thankfully unpurified in this dream, and waiting.

“Heh heh. Any moment now she’ll show up,” Kazuma chuckled, leaning back and closing his eyes.

The door to the baths opened and shut, the wood creaking, and Kazuma cracked a smile. Perfect. This time, he’d reenact when he’d met Wolbach, but there would be no stupid cat to get in his way.

“Hey! Kazuma, what are you doing here!? This is the women’s bath!”

Kazuma’s eyes shot up, and he blinked in confusion. “Megumin!? What are you doing- hold on.”

Before him stood Megumin, only…not. Instead of her usual boyish figure, the girl had absolutely massive boobs. Not Darkness sized, or even Wiz sized, but comically oversized breasts, the sort on that really weird fetish art that had always slightly grossed Kazuma out.

“Hmph! Well, if you’re here, you can always wash my back,” Megu-Boobs said, huffing and making to take off the towel that was straining to cover her overclocked mammaries.

“Hey! Lolisa! You screwed up! What’s Megumin doing here!? And I said a decent rack, not THAT!” Kazuma shouted, jumping up in the bath. “You’d better fix this, I’m a paying customer!”

“How dare you insult my chest! Just because I haven’t fully developed yet isn’t a reason to mock me,” Megu-boobs declared.

Kazuma turned to look at her, incredulous. “Not developed yet!? Ok, look, I know you’re a bit flat chested IRL, but this is insane! I wouldn’t mind if your boobs were a little bigger, but this!? Huh-uh. No. Not doing it for me.”

“P-pervert! As an apology, I demand you wash my back!”

“Yeah, no. I want a refund! Wake me up! We’re doing this again, Lolisa! If this is your idea of a joke, I don’t think it’s funny!” Kazuma declared.

“Oh, neither do I.”

A grin spread over Kazuma’s face, and he turned to see Wolbach striding towards him, her expression stormy.

“Ah, excellent! See! That’s a proper woman! Not…whatever YOU are,” Kazuma said to Megu-Boobs.

“Who are you, to disrupt my and Kazuma’s bath! He is mine!” Megu-boobs declared, whipping off her towel

Wolbach paused in her stride forward, looking disgusted. “What is…OK, I know that Lolisa said she was inexperienced…but that’s just gross.” She turned to Kazuma, jerking a thumb at Megu-boobs. “Seriously? Does THAT turn you on?”

“No! I like boobs as much as the next guy, but that’s just unnatural. Like I said, yours are the only pair for me. Now, you can wash my back, then after that, a blow job, and then I think we’ll-”

“Oh, so you think I’m here to service you? This is the dream you asked for, mister. She can wash your back. But she’ll be using steel wool,” Wolbach hissed.

“Huh? Look, I know I said I wanted an assertive woman, and, uh, well, I was trying to order you, but that steel wool thing is Darkness’ style, not mine.”

“Begone, interloper! I shall strike you down! Come, Kazuma, are not my breasts more beautiful than hers?” Megu-Boobs said, thrusting her chest out.

“Ick.” Kazuma raised his arms in a warding gesture. “Lolisa! Get her out of here! I wanted a date with Wolbach, not Megumin, and ESPECIALLY not whatever you did to Megumin!”

Wolbach blinked. “Wait, you…you wanted a date with me?”

“Yeah…” Kazuma rubbed the back of his head. “I sort of regretted not going on your girls night thing. You probably would have just made me carry the bags while you shopped…but, well…it could have been interesting. Argh! Why am I telling you this? You’re just a dream! I should just-”

“I am no dream! I am the woman of your dreams, Kazuma!” Megu-boobs interrupted. “Now, make love to me, and we shall write our legend in explosions and blood across the-”

“FREEZE!” Kazuma pointed his finger at Megu-boobs, who squealed as ice formed over her. “Just shut up! Let me have this moment! How am I ever supposed to have a private time with Wolbach if you keep interrupting!”

“Oh, I’ll handle this.” Wolbach waved a hand, and Megu-boobs suddenly shifted.

A moment later, a small black cat, one a lot like Chomusuke, appeared. “Nyan?”

“Hmm, that is satisfying. Now go to sleep,” Wolbach said, and the cat curled up in a bucket, and began to snore.

“Perfect! Now, wash my back,” Kazuma ordered.

“Oh, I don’t think so. You’ve got some explaining to do, mister. Why would you hire a SUCCUBUS?!” Wolbach snarled, poking Kazuma in the chest with a finger.

Anger washed over Kazuma, and he grabbed Wolbach’s finger. “Because I’m scared, OK!? Because you’re a knockout, a bombshell! A 10/10 babe!”

“Well that doesn’t explain why you’d pay a demon to-”

Kazuma grabbed Wolbach and pulled her into a kiss. This was his dream, dammit. When they parted, they were both breathing hard, and Wolbach was blushing furiously.

“I don’t know how to talk to 3D girls, OK!? Even after living with Darkness, Megumin and Aqua! You’re just…you’re special! I want you to like me! Shit, I want you to LOVE me as much as I think I love you! You make me FEEL things I didn’t think I could! And dammit, if I’m going to spank it to someone, it’s going to be you! And since this is just a dream, we can do more than just that! We can go all the way here, even if I’m too scared to do that in the real world, and you are too! So I can practice what I’d do here, and then, ARRGH! I don’t know! I can’t explain it! So, just…just…”

Kazuma kissed Wolbach again. This time, she pulled him in close, and stuck her tongue in his mouth. When they broke apart, she smiled at him. “You are such a screw up, you know?”

“Takes one to know one,” Kazuma grumbled.

“Yeah…can’t screw up much more than getting kicked out of heaven and sealed away for a few hundred years…then end up as a damn cat,” Wolbach said, looking so dejected that her ears wilted slightly.

“Hey. As long as we’re screw ups together, right?” Kazuma asked. He grinned. “Now how about that bath?”

Wolbach glanced at the water, then blushed. “Well….I was going to invite you to one…I suppose…and we could…do more here…since it’s just a dream…”

“Exactly!” Kazuma agreed.

“Just uh…not so sure about the blow job…I um…I’ve never…you know…” Wolbach flushed and looked away.

“Hey, it’s just a dream. Besides, you dream girls always know what to do. Or at least the succubi do.”

Anger flashed over Wolbach’s face. “I wouldn’t bring them up if I were you, mister, or that bath is likely to turn into boiling oil.”

“Huh? Oh, sure. Uh…I’ll wash your back if you wash mine?” Kazuma offered.

Wolbach grinned, and stripped off her robe. “Hmm, our first meeting place. Does it hold a special place in your heart?”

“Just like you do,” Kazuma assured her, and jumped into the bath.

Meanwhile, Megumin sat on her bed, rubbing her hands. “Mwa-ah-ha-ha! I’ll let Kazuma get buttered up by dream me, then I’ll sneak into his room, and he’ll be putty in my hands.”

“Hmm. Yes.” Chomusuke, who was sitting on Megumin’s pillow, yawned. “But first…some sleep. I’m tired.”

“I suppose I should lay down for a bit,” Megumin agreed, yawning herself. Plotting was tiring work. She lay down. She’d just close her eyes for five minutes…

In moments, snoring sounds filled her room, as not too far away, Wolbach and Kazuma lay in bed next to one another, their hands entwined.