Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 14 (Patreon)

After the horrified servants kicked them out of the dining room to clean up the mess, the group meandered down to the command center. Much to Kazuma’s disgust, Mitsurugi was already there, and in a freshly laundered uniform to boot.

“Ah, Lady Lalatina, we were just discussing plans for the upcoming battle. Please, join us,” Mitsurugi said, bowing deeply.

“You don’t need an ice pack or something?” Kazuma demanded, glaring at the man. Seriously, offering to “let” Darkness join them in her own palace? What an asshole. “Come on Darkness, let’s just figure out how to beat these guys. Can’t be that hard after Megumin blew most of them up.”

Duke Ignis was at the table as well, and he looked up at Darkness, beaming happily. “Ah, how are you this morning, Tina? Did you rest well? I heard you shared your chambers with Master Sato and your two other companions! Can I expect grandchildren soon? We have very good doctors here at the palace, you know.”

“L-Lady Lalatina!?” Mitsurugi gasped, going slightly pale and gaping at her.

“Father, as I have said, this is not the time to discuss such matters,” Darkness sighed. “We must focus on the issue at hand.”

“I see, I see,” Duke Ignis agreed, stroking his beard. He smiled broadly. “Well then, we’ll just have to liberate the city so we can have a wedding!”

“Hrrrk!” Kazuma felt something catch in his heart, and he staggered slightly, supporting himself on the table. To his horror, Mitsurugi was doing the same thing. His nostrils flared and he glared at Kazuma, but the knight stood up straight. “Yes. I will gladly lead the charge against the foe in this battle.”

“Why, you volunteering for a Uriah Gambit?” Kazuma asked, folding his arms over his chest.

“I…am uncertain of your words and tone, sir,” Mitsurugi said, his voice frosty and expression flat.

“The enemy has been pushed back, but we need to break them. Our forces are largely exhausted and most units are operating at less than half effective strength,” General Harrington said, nodding to the map. “The Crimson Demon Clan are holding strong, so the orbitals are clear.”

“Then we need a solid push on the ground,” Darkness said, pointing to the map and grimacing. “I can lead the charge, with Chris and Megumin to back me up, we should be able to clear the way with most of the light forces. That does leave the question of…”

“Who does Kazuma gattai with?” Aqua mused. She made a face. “Not me, that dance was fun and all but I don’t like fighting.”

“H-he has…he has done this thing with you as well, Lady Aqua?!” a horrified Mitsurugi gasped.

“Eh, only the one time. Besides, she’s not a part of Darkness’ harem,” Chris said, sensing an opportunity to needle the knight.

“Wait, hold on. This is MY- OW!” Kazuma hopped up on one foot, from where Darkness had stomped on him.

“Kazuma, as much as I would prefer you abuse me, now is NOT the time,” Darkness growled. “You can discipline me AFTER  the city is liberated and Wolbach defeated. That said, I think you should fuse with me for this battle.”

“No, he should walk the path of the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon!” Megumin protested.

“The nerve! How dare you bring up such a forbidden weapon here in these hallowed grounds, considering the horrors it has wrought upon our city?!” Mitsurugi demanded , whirling to glare at Megumin accusingly.

“Because it’s better to do unto others then let others do unto you,” Megumin said smugly. “Besides, I got a pardon, so there.”

Chris rubbed her scar, frowning at the map. “Hmm, it’s a hard choice. Darkness is certainly the right choice for a head on battle, but I would be a better option if we’re going for more of a sneaky kill. Sorry Megumin, but I don’t think you’re the right pick here. We’re going to need more than one shot, they’re too spread out.”

“Hmm, we could try a multi-fusion,” Kazuma suggested. “Combining the strength of multiple mecha instead of just one.”

“I don’t know, Kazuma. You fused with Chris and Darkness on the plane, but that was different. I don’t know that you can handle both of them at once again,” Aqua cautioned.

“B-both at once?! What a knave!” Mitsurugi gasped, putting a hand to his heart.

Ignis sighed. “Ah, two sets of grandchildren! Even better!”

“Well, I was with Kazuma last night, he has grown since then,” Chris chuckled, making Darkness and Megumin both blush, with Megumin muttering dark imprecations under her breath. “I’m up for it if you are, Darkness.”

“I am not certain how much of a gamble we should take,” Darkness said, sounding hesitant. “I do know it is somewhat selfish of me to nominate myself…b-but I did enjoy the fusion with both of you…”

“Unlike some people, I’m enough man for the both of you,” Kazuma declared, pointing his thumb at his chest and leaning over the board. “Hell yeah, let’s do this! We’ll all fuse together and blow them out of the water!”

“Are you seriously going to do this without me?!” Megumin demanded, slamming her fists on the table and rattling the little figures of mecha. “I am the one in possession of the most firepower! Kazuma should fuse with ME first!”

“Listen Megs, we get that you’re possessive and all, but we do have to share Kazuma.” Chris said with a shake of her head. “Maybe at some point he can lend us the lagaan or something and we can fuse separately but-”

“Oh, I didn’t build that feature into your mecha,” Aqua interrupted. “I mean, I could. If I can remember how I did it. I just sort of made it, you know? Building mecha is like making art! Each should be a wonderful and unique work! But if you and Darkness want to fuse on your own maybe I can make something work.”

“Lady Lalatina is not like that!” Mitsurugi interrupted. “She is a noble lady, who seeks a strong man to continue her line! It is my duty as a knight to prove myself worthy of her, and to offer her my every service so that she can-”

“That would greatly increase our tactical options,” Darkness agreed, talking right over Mitsurugi’s rant. “B-but I do not mind that Kazuma is the one I primarily fuse with. Um, even if fusing with Chris or Megumin would, ah…well, it is just, w-when you slap me, o-or pinch me, it greatly increased my um…I mean, that is to say, it helps me focus on the battlefield!”

“You’re just horny on main,” Chris said, shaking her head. “But that’s OK.”

Megumin nodded, pointing not looking at Mitsurugi as he sputtered. “Yeah, unlike SOME people, we accept you for who you are. Even if I am surrounded by randy perverts and must strive to be the voice of reason.”

“You the voice of reason!? You’re the one whose life goal is to blow up a planet!” Kazuma protested.

“Kazuma, Megumin,” Darkness said, her tone exhausted. “Please. Kazuma, we need a decision. How will you fuse for this battle?”

“Hmmm.” Kazuma examined the board, and the dispensation of the enemy forces. And also what he’d done in the shower with Chris. Mostly what had happened in the shower.

“I think for this one, I should fuse with,” Kazuma looked at Chris, who blushed, then pointed at Darkness, shaking her head and blushing ever so slightly. “-with Darkness.”

“I cannot allow such a flagrant violation of my lady’s virtue!” Mitsurugi protested.

All four of Kazuma’s companions glared at Mitsurugi.

“Seriously, why is he here?” Aqua asked Darkness.

“He really is a good pilot and war hero,” Darkness sighed.

“You do realize that she’s got a horrible reputation, right?” Kazuma asked.

Megumin nodded. “Anyone could see she’s a pervert.”

“I will not stand for this!” Mitsurugi ranted, hand going to his sword. “I shall-”

“Enough. You have heard the battleplan. Sir Kyouya, you will deploy with us, along with your elite squad,” Darkness ordered. “We strike as soon as possible. The siege must be broken.”

“As you command,” Mitsurugi growled, then glared at Kazuma. “We have not finished this.”

“Me!? Megumin’s the one who was shooting her mouth off!” Kazuma protested.

“Oh sure, throw me to the wolves. You are the one who cannot keep his mouth shut, Kazutrash! See if I want to fuse with you after this!” Megumin snapped.

“He’ll make your booms bigger. You know you want to,” Chris teased as they headed for the mecha bay.

Megumin blushed. “T-that is not all that is important to me…”

“Please. If I could make your boobs and your booms bigger you’d be putty in my hands,” Kazuma snorted.

“T-that is not true! There are other things to my Crimson Demon pride!” Megumin huffed. Then she paused. “How much bigger?”

“Sister, it’s ok if you're an A Cup. Kazuma doesn’t mind, and neither do we!” Chris said, draping her arm around Megumin.

“N-not that! I mean…I remember how much bigger my Wave Motion Explosion Cannon was when we were fused…it was glorious…I think I really could blow up a whole planet,” Megumin said wistfully.

“Great. Darkness is a pervert who only ever has sex on her mind, and you’re a terrorist who only has blowing stuff on her mind. Aqua’s a drunk loon, I’m a NEET in over his head, and Chris is-”

“Practically perfect in every way,” Chris said, interrupting Kazuma. “Now hold on, I’m going to start the stream.” Out of her pockets, Chris somehow pulled an entire livestream rig, which she hastily assembled as they walked. A moment later, she turned it on. “What up my Silver Masked Nation! It’s the Chief, here back at you with another stream! I’m just getting ready to load into my mecha with my crew! Right here is Megumin! Say ‘hi’ to everyone, Megumin!”

Instantly, Megumin was all smiles, posing for the camera with Chris and making a V sign by her eye as Chris put an arm around her. “Behold! I am Megumin! Foremost Genius of the Crimson Pirate Clan, and she who’s mastery of weaponry has already defeated Wolbach once, and will drive her from the field!”

“Aw, chat thinks you’re really cute, Megumin. Ohh, look at that, a 500 credit super chat from Dragon_Lancer, it says ‘Girlfriend reveal?! Kiss please!’ Hmm, what do you think Megumin?”

Blushing, Megumin glared at the chat, though she didn’t try to pull away from Chris. “W-what?! Who is this lecherous fool, who thinks-”

Chris then planted her lips on Megumin’s, making the other girl's eyes go wide. Kazuma let out a wolf whistle, while Darkness blushed.

“H-How lewd, to put on such a public display for your audience! N-Now is not the time for such things, you too! W-we cannot alert the enemy of our plans!”

“Eh it’s fine, I blocked them on Twitch,” Chris said, pulling away from a flustered Megumin. “Nice, Megs! We got a ton of donations for that! Now come on, chat wants to see you blow up some fools!”

“I-I am not a puppet, to be pulled at the strings of-”

“And I’ll split the donations with you, so you can upgrade your guns,” Chris promised.

“Ha-ha! Yes, I am clearly the darling of this Twitch chat! Now, let me explain to you all why the Wave Motion-”

“Megumin, don’t get me banned on Twitch!” Chris hissed. Then she smiled at the camera again. “This time I promise an extra epic battle between good and evil, starring yours truly! Remember, this month we’re running a special where subs get access to the PA system on my mech to send a short message to the enemy!”

“You know, I was worried there for a minute,” Kazuma commented to Darkness as Chris continued to narrate for her stream.

“Oh, about what?” Darkness asked, eyeing the show herself.

“That Chris was normal or something. She’d never fit in here if she was. At least she didn’t want to livestream our first kiss.”

“I-I would not be opposed to live streaming m-my romantic life! N-not the most intimate of acts, but, um, perhaps…l-like in the-”

“You can star in a porno later, Darkness, let’s just get loaded up,” Kazuma said as they arrived at the mecha bay.

The mecha had indeed all been repaired, and with spiffy new coats of paint to boot. They gleamed in the bright lights of the hangar bay, with Darkness’ bright gold and white mecha towering over the others, the crest of House Dustiness proudly emblazoned on its chest. Megumin’s main and only gun seemed to be even bigger than before, the mecha comically lopsided thanks to the enormous cannon which drew attention to the fact that Megumin was DEFINITELY compensating for something with the way it enlarged the mecha’s chest, it’s crimson and black color scheme drawing the eye to the mecha.

Compared to the others, Chris’ mecha seemed to blend into the background with its more sensible green and silver scheme, the shorter mecha standing next to Darkness’. The green camo cloak rustled in the slight breeze, and seemed to fade in and out of visibility, taking parts of the mecha with it as it did. Kazuma’s Lagaan sat at the feet, looking slightly smug with it’s metal face, as if it were saying, “Yes, these ladies are all mine.”

Aqua’s mMecha was totally out of place, looking like a giant toy more than anything else, the mecha leaning against the wall and looking like it were sleeping more than anything else, the eyes closed and the chest even rising and falling slowly.

“Wait, does your mecha breathe?” Kazuma asked Aqua.

“Nah, that’s just the engine exhaust, it’s on idle right now but I’ll be ready to go in a moment! I just need to put on some supplies!” Aqua dug not one, not two, but three bottles of bubbly out of her bodice, licking her lips and grinning widely.

“We’re not getting tanked during the battle! You need to focus on keeping us repaired and charged!” Kazuma snapped, snatching away one of the bottles.

“Hey, those are mine! Give them to me! And they’re, um, for later! You know, to celebrate!” Aqua protested, trying vainly to get the bottle back from Kazuma.

“Well then you won’t mind leaving them here!” Kazuma said, snatching away the other bottles.

“WAAAA! DARKNESS KAZUMA IS BEING MEAN TO ME AGAIN!”

“Aqua, I have to agree, now is not the time to be drinking. Get loaded up, we sally forth immediately!” Darkness declared, pointing towards the mecha.

“Yeah, sure,” Kazuma agreed, and ambled over to the Lagaan as the others got into their mechas. He put his hands on the Lagaan, and took a deep breath. “Thank you, little buddy. You weren’t there to see it, but last night, your master became a man, and made it with a hot girl. Chris is really something. I think I might be in love. But, if we stand true, and push through together, we can unlock the Golden Ending. Will you stand with me?”

“Ugh, how vulgar, Fio.”

“You said it, Clemea. We should take care of this ruffian for Lord Mitsurugi.”

Sighing, Kazuma turned around to behold two women in pilot uniforms of the Axel Military. One had pink hair, the other green, but he really didn’t care. Kazuma just could not be assed to remember their names. “Let me guess: You’re Kyle's two little minions that he sent to bully me or something for ‘sullying Lalatina’s honor’ or some other equally asinine reason. What is this, high school? You two look young enough for that.”

“How dare youvulgar!” Bubblegum said, gasping in horror. “Lord Mitsurugi did no such thing! We are here to warn you, and your posse of women! Stay away from Lord Mitsurugi!”

Mint nodded her head. “That’s right! His reputation is already questionable for the fervent devotion he shows to that woman. Everyone knows she’s a promiscuous and wanton disgrace who brings shame to her house!”

Kazuma’s expression went cold. “Are you here to talk smack about Darkness? Because you sure as hell don’t have permission to talk about one of my girls that way in front of me.”

“Hmph. You are nothing but a peasant lout, elevated by sheer coincidence. Lady Sena informed us you are in possession of some piece of lost technology and used that to swindle your way into Lalatina’s graces,” Mint sniffed.

“Hmph. She’s a pervert, she’d willingly allow herself to be devoured by this man’s rapacious appetites!” Bubblegum huffed.

Kazuma reached into the Lagaan and activated the mecha, which stood up and assumed a fighting stance, rocking back and forth and raising stubby little fists towards the women. “Now see, I do have some pretty amazing technology. And you know, I see two fresh victims in front of me. How would Lord Mitsubishi react to me fusing with his two side chicks, I wonder?”

“Ahh! You wouldn’t dare!”

“Fiend! Lord Mitsurugi, save us!”

The two girls ran off, causing Kazuma to roll his eyes. The Lagaan tapped him on the shoulder, then jerked a thumb at the retreating women.

“Nah, that was just a threat. I know how it goes if you cheat on your harem: Bad endings, all the way. No way in hell am I going on a Nice Boat for those two bozos.”

The Lagaan nodded, then knelt down and waited for Kazuma to climb in.

“You’re a lot more animated now. Did Aqua do something weird to you?” Kazuma asked.

The Lagaan shrugged, then pointed to the three mecha of the girls and grinned broadly.

“Oh yeah, we’ll fuse with them bud. Today it’s Darkness’ turn though. That’s a lot of woman for me, and a lot of mecha to you.”

The Lagaan gave Kazuma two thumbs up, then started stretching, as if for a big workout. Which it probably was, Kazuma figured.

Just as the hangar doors opened and the task force prepared to sally forth, a comm channel opened, and Mitsurugi’s scowling face appeared on the screen.

“Sir Kazuma! How dare you threaten Lieutenant Fio and Lieutenant Clemea! They are my subordinates, and I will not stand for anyone interfering with my command!”

“That’s nice, Katsurugi,” Kazuma said, picking his nose and then examining the booger. I flicked it out of the canopy before closing it. “The thing is, they besmirched your precious ‘Lalatina.’ I was just defending her honor.”

“Ha! You simply seek to put off the blame with your lies, Sato! I can see right through you! Fio and Clemea are both loyal citizens of Axel! They would never insult their liege in such a way.”

“Uh huh. Whatever.” Kazuma closed the channel when Mitsurugi opened his mouth to reply, and called Darkness. “Yo. So when are we doing this?”

“Your fusions seem to have variable but limited time, so we should wait until we close with the enemy,” Darkness said. She flushed and looked at Kazuma. “I, um, I would not mind if you were in control…your aim is better than mine, and ah, I would like to be dominated by you…D-did you and Chris, um…did you force her down, and claim her as-”

“No! We just, um, we got to Third Base, that’s all!” Kazuma protested. He hesitated a moment, then added, “she uh, she said I should try the same thing with you…and Megumin…”

“I, ah…well, um, I did not think I would share the man I desired, but, um, to think of you with another woman, cuckolding me, and shaming me so greatly…it excites me! I shall protest, but you will say ‘a man has needs’ and then wantonly disregard my feelings!”

“I mean…that’s not really what this is supposed to be…I’m building a harem, you see, and you’re invited,” Kazuma explained.

“Uh, for legal reasons…it will probably have to be mine,” Darkness said, squirming in her seat. “B-but if that means you do not mind, if, um, Megumin were to abuse me…to scorn me, and slap me, punishing me with her ire-”

“You know it’s weird you let a girl who’s like half your size and probably couldn’t bench press the pole push you around like that? I mean, you could probably crush her with one arm,” Kazuma pointed out.

“Ngg! I, ah…we must focus! You drive me mad, you wicked man! L-later, you may use me to satisfy your wild lusts, but for now…The enemy is arrayed on a hillside. We should speak of our plans…”

Kazuma sort of tuned things out while Darkness laid out the battleplan. They were joined by Mitsurugi and his gum flavored minions, along with a dozen other knights of Axel in their mecha. Kazuma figured they were just mooks, and would more than likely die. It was kind of a waste, but then again he couldn’t exactly say he minded having some NPC meat shields along.

“Eh, Aqua will bring them back or something if they die, it’s fine,” Kazuma decided.

At last everything was decided, and the force left the walls of the city, racing to where Wolbach’s forces were regrouping. Based on what he’d seen at the table, she still had nearly a hundred mecha long with thousands of troops, some fighters, and even a few tanks. Though what good that would do against mecha Kazuma didn’t have a clue. Who brought a tank to a mecha fight?

“Sir Sato, I must insist that we have it out before the battle begins,” Mitusurugi’s voice said. His mecha had pulled up next to Kazuma’s, which was running along frantically on its stubby little legs as the much taller mecha strode along confidently.

“Dude will you just screw off? No one here likes you, least of all me and Darkness,” Kazuma snapped.

“You are an uncouth fool! Do you not realize that it is I who has championed Lady Lalatina and her character, though others would mock her?” Mitusrugi demanded.

“So you’re a white knighting jerk. Didn’t ask, don’t care.”

“I am a knight of House Dustiness! Unlike you, I am of gentle birth, and understand these matters. In the coming battle, it is I who should fuse with Lady Lalatina, and uphold her honor!”

“Ok, sure. You do that. Go fuse with her right now. You’re so special and awesome. I’ll just fuse with your side chicks.”

“Do not lay a hand on Fio and Clemea! They are young and innocent, and should not be corrupted by the likes of you!”

“Uh huh. And you invite them to your quarters for a special debriefing how often?”

“I would never! Such fraternization is forbidden for those within your chain of command!”

“And yet you simp so hard for Darkness. Hoping she’ll debrief you?”

“That is different. She is a lady, and I am her knight. One day, I shall wed her, and be her champion on the field, as she rules with wisdom and grace!”

“Well, then it will be extra spicy for you when I fuse with her right in front of you,” Kazuma sneered.

Just then, Darkness signaled him. “Kazuma, we near the foe! Let us fuse, that I might be the shield of my people, and you, our sword!”

“I do have a very nice sword now,” Kazuma replied, and lept up into the air. “Later, Loserugi! ONE FUSION, COMING UP!”

Raising one hand of his Mecha, Mitusrugi tried to bar Kazuma’s path. “NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO-”

Kazuma slammed the Button of Wacky Hijinks, and ignored Mitsurugi as he raced towards Darkness’ mecha. He felt himself wrapped in light, and a moment later, his vision cleared. Below him was a shapely ass in a black body sleeve, and he grinned.

“Yes, this time, Kazuma is on top!” he slapped the rear end, making a deep throaty voice cry out. “Ha ha, I’ll ride you to victory than-”

“What are you doing! Who has bound me!? Let me go this instant!”

Kazuma paused. That was not a woman’s voice. That was-

“NO! OH, HELL NO! SENA WAS BAD BUT I AM NOT DOING THIS!” Kazuma raged, jerking about in the harness.

In front of him, Miturugi’s head lifted up, then his neck turned to see Kazmua. “You! What have you done to me! Why am I restrained in my harness here? And what is that poking my rear end!”

“Nothing, because I sure as hell lost my hard on!” Kazuma snapped. He slammed the call button. “Darkness, we have to cancel the mission! I somehow fused with-”

“Kazuma,” Darkness snarled, her face flushed in a new way: pure rage. “What. Are. You. DOING!?”

“Uh, look, this was an accident! I didn’t mean to fuse with Katsumotto! He just, got in the way or something!”

“I could not allow you to fuse with Lady Lalatina! You would sully her reputation! As her knight, it is my duty to safeguard her!” Mitsurugi shouted.

The rage drained from Darkness rapidly, though she still looked irritated. “Damnation. The enemy has detected us, and is attacking. We have to fight back! I can hold them off, but you are still our best fighters! I was counting on Mitsurugi to lead the right flank, and you and I to talk the center. Chris! Back me up! Kazuma has fused with Mitsurugi!”

“Kazuma you jerk, why’d you pick HIM!? I am not going to give you another handjob if you’re going to cheat on me with an asshole like that!” Chris ranted.

“I didn’t mean to! He cock blocked me!” Kazuma protested.

“LEAVE SIR MITSURUGI ALONE!” the gum flavors screeched.

“There is no time for this!” Darkness bellowed. “Kazuma: Can you still fight? Otherwise, we must retreat, and will surely take casualties as they assault the city.”

“I mean…I’m really not into yaoi,” Kazuma protested, eyeing the joystick on Mitsurugi’s asscheeks reluctantly.

“And I am not into women, and yet I allow myself to be enticed by you and this mad scheme,” Megumin’s voice pointed out. “Do it, Kazuma. Or will you allow glory to slip through your fingers?”

“I know it’s degrading to put up with him, Kazuma,” Darkness said. Then she gave him a blush and a small grin. “But, if you do this, save my city and people, even with…him…I shall give you my maidenhead…and the harem you want…”

“Lady Lalatina! I cannot allow you to ooooooo~!”

Kazuma gripped the controller in both hands. “For a reward like that, I’ll walk through hell itself. Let’s do this.”