The Second Archon War: Imperatrix Umberosa 19 (Patreon)

Imperatrix Umberosa 19: Go Forth and Shine, Lightning Princess Ami!

“We seriously could have just taken the train. It would have been a lot simpler.” 

“But it wouldn’t have been as exciting, and you didn’t want to steal a car, so this is our only other option!” Ami told Sayu, who was grumbling as she peddled her bike up yet another hill. “Besides, this is excellent training!” 

“I’m missing so much school for this, and I’m not going to get any sleep,” Sayu muttered. “What if we get run over by a car? This is a busy road!”

“If a car attacks us, I’ll blow it right up!” Clara said cheerily, her own bike whirring mechanically as she barely peddled at all. Ami thought that was probably cheating, but then again, Clara had complained on the first day that if she had to pedal all the way to Hokkaido then her legs were going to fall off, since she didn’t have super strength or endurance like Ami and Sayu. The main problem Ami had was that her butt was sore, but she had Murasaki heal them every time they rested, so it wasn’t so bad. 

They were on the fourth day of their trip, in the mountains south of Aomori.  There they would take a ferry to Hokkaido, then bike across it to Hokumon Shrine at the northern tip. All in all, the journey would take nearly a week. In the initial planning stages, Ami had dreamed of fighting rogue cape warlords, mutated bears, and various monsters. 

Instead, the most heroic thing they had done was help an old lady find her lost dog, and get a ball out of a tree for some elementary school kids. It had been distinctly unheroic, and mostly just hard, sweaty work peddling their bikes across Japan. 

“This road is hardly busy, Miss Nana. I planned our route to be optimal in its avoidance of heavy traffic, and the easiest to traverse on bicycles,” Murasaki said, poking his head out of Ami’s backpack where he was supposed to be hiding. 

“Well you could have picked a route that involved us taking the train,” Sayu pointed out testily. For a bodyguard, she sure did a lot of whining.  

They peddled along the mountain road for several hours, something that was only possible because all three were capes. In the case of Ami and Sayu, they had enhanced endurance and strength. In the case of Clara, she’d made a motorized bicycle out of what she’d found in a dumpster on the first day. It wasn’t that the Tinker couldn’t make things besides Jumpty Dumpties, it was just that she wasn’t terribly interested in doing so. 

Around 11 o’clock they came to the small mountain town of Kosaka, having already peddled for three hours. They collectively decided to stop for some rest and food, and made for the nearest convenience store for food. Money wasn’t a problem, as Ami had brought several million yen with them, just in case. 

As they were picking out fried chicken, onigiri, candy bars, and soft drinks, two other teens entered the store. Ami noticed them mostly because of the smell: they both stank like they’d been rolling around in a dumpster. Their clothes looked like they’d come from a trash can too, as they were both grimy and tattered, with faces smeared with dirt and grease. 

“Mistress!” Murasaki hissed as Ami wrinkled her nose and tried to ignore them. “Those two are likely the reason we are here!” 

“Huh?” Ami watched out of the corner of her eyes as the two teens slouched and made their way towards the shelves of food, casually snagging bags and packages. The attendant looked up from where they’d been helping another customer and frowned, while Sayu had put her hand to the side as if to summon her sword as she glared at the teens suspiciously. 

“I told you, I optimized our route! Well, I know you were seeking ne'er do wells to engage in combat, and there have been a string of robberies in this region! I believe they may be the perpetrators!” Murasaki hissed, his head poking out of Ami’s backpack to whisper in her ear. 

Ami studied the dirty pair more carefully. They looked to be her age or a little older, though it was hard to tell they were so filthy. Their hair looked grey under the grime, which was odd, and now that Ami looked at them, she saw their eyes were amber-colored.

“Are they capes?” Ami whispered, reaching out to try to sense any elemental energy. She sucked in a breath as she opened her spiritual sight: both were glowing with Elemental Energy, and both had Visions tucked away in their pockets. 

As if sensing someone was on to them, both teens suddenly grabbed armfuls of food from the shelves, then turned and sprinted for the doors. 

“STOP, THIEVES, IN THE NAME OF THE RAIDEN SHOGUN!” Ami bellowed, reaching within herself to where she stored her sword within her spirit, and drawing it forth. It hurt a little like she was squeezing it through too narrow a gap, but she could manage it. 

“IT’S THE FUZZ, CHEESE IT!” the girl shouted, and as she did so, Ami nearly dropped her sword as a striped fluffy tail poked out from under her skirt. 

“WINDS, BRING BINDING!” Sayu roared, and the doors slammed shut in the boy’s face. 

He squawked in outrage, falling flat on his rear, a tail popping out of his jacket as he dropped the food he’d been trying to steal. 

“Stealing’s against the rules,” Clara said in a sing-song voice, two small Jumpty Dumpties appearing in her hands.

“Yeah? Well, rules were made to be broken,” the thief girl sneered, and a glowing baseball bat of crackling purple appeared in her hands. 

“Owww,” the boy complained, getting to his feet. He manifested a bat of his own, this one made of swirling green winds. “Batter up, heh.”

Ami couldn’t have been more thrilled. Finally, worthy opponents! “Murasaki! Escort the civilians to safety! We will handle these two,” Ami ordered, as the panicked cashier and other customer both cowered. She quickly drew out an eyepatch and put it over her left eye. “Fufufu! Do you wish to do battle with me, enemies of justice? For I am the Prinzessen des Blitzen!” 

“I don’t care if you’re the Raiden Shogun! Out of our way, or we’ll kick your ass!” the raccoon girl threatened, raising her bat on high. 

“It’s Lightning Princess Ami! She’s come to save us!” the attendant, a woman of about 20 squealed in excitement. 

Ami posed dramatically, then had to squawk and duck as the girl’s baseball bat nearly took her head off. 

“Wait, hold on,” the boy said, his filthy face going pale. “Sis, don’t you know who that is?!”

“Some jerk who’s trying to keep me from my delicious snacks!” the girl responded, and Ami parried another blow of the baseball bat. Then she paused, as the boy yanked his sister down into a bowing position. 

“We’re sorry! We were just hungry! Please don’t kill us!” the boy babbled. 

“Get off of me, bro! I can take her!” the girl snarled, snapping at his fingers. Then she was suddenly gone, and tanuki with an Electro Vision on a cord around its neck was snarling and biting at the boy, who an instant later had turned into a tanuki as well. Both of the raccoon dogs began snarling and biting at one another as they rolled around on the floor in a flurry of fur and fangs. 

“Oh great,” Sayu groaned. “More yokai. And tanuki this time. Figures.” 

“Should I use my Jumpty Dumpties?” Clara asked hopefully. 

“No,” Ami said, and then zapped both the fighting animals, which yipped and spun to face her, both of them growling. She squatted down, eyeing both of them. “Look, if you’re both yokai, we can forgive you, this time. But you can’t go around stealing things. Yae started the same way though, and now she’s training to be the head Shrine Maiden. We can probably find a job for you two as well. And a bath.”

The girl popped back into humanoid form, glaring at Ami. “Yeah? Are you saying we stink or something!?” 

“You do smell pretty ripe,” her brother said, shifting back as well. He smirked at her, then bowed his head to Ami. “Please don’t tell your mom! I don’t know very much, but, uh, I think it would be a real bad idea to pick a fight with the Raiden Shogun.”

“It’s not my mom you have to worry about, it’s me,” Ami said, feeling a twinge of irritation. Then she sighed. “We could still have a duel though. Not inside though, we don’t want to wreck the store.”

“Yeah? And if I win, I get all your food and your clothes! They’re cuter than mine,” the girl said, grinning at Ami and displaying an overly large set of canines. 

“Sis, don’t be stupid! She’s like, rich!” her brother whispered, his voice comically loud. “If we listen to her, we can like, get into her house! Then we take all her food and clothes and stuff!” 

“I can still hear you, you know,” Ami said in irritation.

“What?! But you’re just a dumb human, they have terrible hearing!” the girl said in shock. 

“Yes, but I’m the Prinzessen des Blitzen. I am no mere mortal,” Ami said with a smirk of her own. 

“Shit, she’s got us there. So why don’t we just beat her up and take her stuff?” the filthy girl urged. Then let out a yip when a massive claymore rested gently on her neck. 

“Because my name is Sayu Nana, of the Shuumatsuban. And I am entrusted with protecting this moron. If you even so much as harm one hair on her head, I will end you. And quickly, because it’s past nap time.”

“You tell ‘em, Tanuki!” Clara said gleefully. 

“Tanuki?” the boy said, and two fuzzy ears popped up on top of his head. “Are you a tanuki too?”

“No, that’s just my code name,” Sayu said, sounding exasperated. “Though if you sully the good name of Tanuki, I’ll have to kick your butts on principle.” 

“Look, if you agree to serve my mother, I’ll buy you all these snacks, and some clean clothes,” Ami offered. 

“DEAL!” both of the tanuki said immediately. 

After that, they took the two Tanuki to a nearby hotel and had them shower and change into clothes that Ami purchased for them.The two yokai gorged themselves on all the junk food that Ami could buy, alongside Ami, Sayu, and Clara, who were hungry teenagers themselves.

“So what are your names?” Clara asked curiously as they chowed down on instant ramen. 

“I’m Sis and he’s Bro,” the girl said. 

“That’s not a name,” Ami told them. “You have to have names. Yae had a name.” 

“There were just two of us who survived the litter, so I was Bro and she was Sis,” the boy said with a shrug. Now that he had bathed and changed into something that hadn’t come out of a dumpster, he was actually kind of cute Ami supposed, if you were into kemonomimi. 

“Well, that won’t do. I shall give you proper names,” Ami declared. 

“You can’t just give people names!” the girl protested. 

“I’m an Imperial Princess. I can do what I please,” Ami sniffed. 

“Wait…so you’re really Her daughter? The one who gave me this so I could turn into a person?” the girl asked, holding up her Electro Vision. 

“Yeah, so at least be respectful. I got mine from someone else but even I’m not stupid enough to pick a fight with the God of the Yokai,” her brother said. 

“Hmm,” Ami tapped her chin, then nodded. She pointed first to the girl. “You shall be Stelle! And you shall be Caelus!”

“Ooo, good names,” Clara said, clapping happily. 

For the tanuki’s part, they had gasped and dropped their food, making a bit of a mess on the floor, dazed expressions on their faces. Ami had felt…something…when she had named them. Was it a sort of magic?

“Stelle. I’m…a star?” the girl said slowly, looking down at her greasy hands. 

“Yeah, well, uh, I’m like, a sky spirit, so there,” her brother said, but he was examining himself as well. 

Just then, Ami’s phone vibrated. She checked it, then jolted upright, wiping her hands on her sweatpants and feeling underdressed. Kimonos were pretty, but they weren’t very practical for cross-country biking. “She’s here!” 

“The Shogun!?” Stelle and Caelus cried, and both immediately bolted for the window, turning into tanuki as they went. 

“No, you idiots. Yae Miko. The kitsune,” Sayu growled as a gust of wind slammed shut their escape.

The two tanuki paused, slowly turning to face the three girls, cocking their heads to one side. 

“Yae’s funny and cute, you’ll like her. I bet she brought WcDonalds, it's her favorite,” Clara commented. 

Instantly, both tanuki assumed their human forms again. “”Why didn’t you say so?! We’d do anything for WcDonalds!””

 They stepped outside the inn as a long black limousine pulled up. A moment later, a priest stepped out, who unrolled a small carpet before the door  before opening it. Out of the limo stepped Yae Miko. She looked a little older now, though still like a chubby little kid. Despite that, her ornate ceremonial robes and headdress were pristine, and she had her nose up in the air, tails swishing behind her. 

“Greetings, Princess Ami. I have come to answer your summons. Where are the new yokai for me to supervise?” Miko demanded imperiously, a smug smile on her face, along with a bright red smear.  

Ami reached up, brushing her cheek, and Yae frowned at her. “You, uh, you have some ketchup, right there, Yae…”

Blushing furiously, the kitsune girl spun about, hastily scrubbing her face before slowly turning back around. Unfortunately, her efforts had smudged her makeup slightly, so she looked even more ridiculous now. “Thank you, Princess. Now, where are the yokai?”

Stelle and Caelus swaggered forward, baseball bats propped on their shoulders. “We’re Stelle and Caelus.”

“Caelus and Stelle! We’re the Tanuki Twins!” Caelus said, adjusting his waistband and grinning smugly down at Yae. “Didn’t think they’d send a little girl to pick us up.”

Yae’s eyebrow twitched. “Little girl? Boy, I will have you know, I am the preferred pet of the Raiden Shogun, and the High Miko of Narukami Shrine. I’m second only to the Emperor as the head of the Shinto Religion. Show some respect to your elders.”

“Pff, elders? You’re a kit! We’re adults,” Stelle said smugly, bending over to condescending pet Yae on the head, which made her other eyebrow twitch. 

“So, you think me a child?” Yae growled, and her eyes began to glow. “Little Tanuki. You know nothing of this world.”

“Oh boy,” Sayu groaned. “Here we go again.”

“Pff, what are you going to do, kick our shins?” Caelus snorted. 

“Yeah, you’re so tiny, we could…we could…” Stelle trailed off, her eyes growing wide as dark mist began to fill the afternoon air, darkening the sky.

“That’s…that’s just an illusion. Tricks! Ha ha, the little girl thinks she can scare us,” Caelus scoffed, but he sounded rather nervous, stepping closer to his sister and bringing his bat up.

“Oh children. You have been naughty,” Yae’s voice chuckled, suddenly deeper as she vanished into the mist. “I think it’s time for your punishment.”

“Bring it on! There’s two of us and one of you, and we’re bigger!” Stelle cried, raising her bat and swishing it about to drive back the mist. 

ARE YOU?

The deep rumbling voice caused the two tanuki to cry out in fear, dropping their bats as they clung to each other in panic. A massive beast of dark flames with two lashing tails stomped out of the mists, circling the tanuki siblings as purple flames licked about them. 

LITTLE YOKAI. SO IGNORANT. I HAVE STUDIED WITH THE RAIDEN SHOGUN, THE GOD OF THE YOKAI. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? BURGLED A FEW MORTALS? PATHETIC. 

“W-we’re sorry Miss Kitsune!” Stelle sobbed. 

“P-please don’t eat us!” Caelus wailed, clutching his sister tightly. 

DO YOU SUBMIT? The giant kitsune growled, its maw dribbling sparks as it loomed over the weeping tanuki. DO YOU SWEAR TO SERVE ME, AND THE RAIDEN SHOGUN?

“We swear!” the tanuki wept, and prostrated themselves before the horror. 

Instantly, the mist vanished, and the giant beast was revealed to be nothing more than a smug looking Yae Miko as she smirked down at the kowtowing yokai at her feet. “Very good. I have uses for a pair of servants. Though I suppose you’ll have to be house broken first.”

Yae turned to Ami and bowed. “Thank you once more, Princess. We’ve been trying to locate these two for weeks with all the trouble they’ve caused. I am in your debt.”

“All in a day's work for the Prinzessen des Blitzen,” Ami said, posing dramatically with one hand to her eyepatch. “Keep these two troublemakers in line. Tend now to your duties, and I shall to mine. Until we meet again.” 

Blinking, Caelus and Stelle were sitting up now, looking dazed. 

“She…she tricked us!” Caelus cried in outrage. 

“That smirking little fox demon!” Stelle growled, reaching for her bat. 

“Now, now, children. Do you need further…convincing?” Yae asked, her eyes suddenly glowing as her twin tails grew in size and lashed violently. 

“”No, we are your humble servants!”” the twins wailed, prostrating themselves again. 

“Very good. Now come. If you behave yourselves, I’ll let you have some of my leftover fries,” Yae decreed, and stepped up to the limo, where the priest hastily put down a step stool for her. 

After a moment, the two tanuki hesitantly looked up, until a chubby little hand extended out with a pair of french fries. “Come come, my pets. Or do you not like fries?”

“MINE!” Stelle shouted, leaping for the door and bowling Yae over with a squeak. 

“NO, MINE!” her brother shouted. 

The priest hastily shut the door behind them, then climbed back in. The limo drove away, but Ami could just make out a pink fox battling furiously with a pair of raccoon dogs over a spilled bag of french fries in the window. 

“Well. That was something else,” Sayu sighed, shaking her head. “At least they’re not our headache now.”

“Can we just take a car the rest of the way now? We had our adventure,” Clara asked.

Ami considered it, then nodded. “Yeah, my butt is still sore. We can have another adventure later, right now I’m tired and want to go home. Let’s just get this over with.”

It was still an adventure, as when Ami asked for a car, the locals just gave her one. She had only driven in Mario Kart before, and Sayu was too short for her feet to reach the pedals, so Clara ended up being the one to drive when she assured them she knew how. 

“I’m an expert! I built a car one time, you know. And it only blew up a little!” 

“Uh, I’m not sure how confident that should make us,” Sayu pointed out from the back seat, as Ami had insisted on royal privilege to get shotgun. Sayu hadn’t complained much, sprawling across, arm over her eyes in a half-napping state.

“Mistress, I cannot help but think this is not a wise idea. Surely we could find a chauffeur,” Murasaki said nervously from his own seat in the back. “Or I could fly you there myself.”

“It’s fine, she didn’t build this car,” Ami pointed out, and then was pressed back in her seat as the cackling Clara peeled out of the parking stall like she was qualifying for the Suzuka 1000. 

They made it about 100 km before a policeman pulled them over, looking outraged. “Did you girls steal your parent’s car?!”

“No, she’s Lightning Princess Ami, we just borrowed it,” Clara said.

The police officer paled, apologized, then firmly insisted that they all get into his cruiser so that he could drive them the rest of the way. Sayu and Murasaki immediately agreed, and Ami felt it would have been rude to contradict them.

Besides, Clara’s driving scared her. Her friend seemed to believe that speed limits were just suggestions, and what really mattered was what your car's maximum speed was. The number of times she’d nearly careened off the side of a mountain road had left even Ami breathless. 

After that, unfortunately, her trip was official. It was still kind of fun, as the mayor of Aomori and all his officials came out to greet Ami, and they had a small impromptu parade, with plenty of people cheering for them when Ami jumped on top of the roof and posed for them, traffic having been halted to make way for the royal motorcade.

 Instead of taking the ferry, they got a private yacht to deliver them to Hakodate, where Ami fully embraced this event as an Imperial Procession , and regaled her devoted fans with only mildly (for her) inflated accounts of their battle with the Terrible Tanuki Twins, and how Ami had successfully bound them to the mortal world by naming them. 

After that, they spend the next five days journeying through Hokkaido, stopping at every town and village to bless the shrines and populace, and sign autographs and take pictures with fans. Ami made sure to promise that they would stand fast with Hokkaido against the threat of Russia, which confused some as Russia hadn’t been a threat to anyone in years. 

But Ami could sense a chill wind blowing from that land now. She warned everyone that the Mother Bear was waking up, and Japan would need to be prepared. To her surprise, when she told the adults that, they took her seriously, and several police captains asked her about forming a militia. 

“This is a matter for the gods,” she told them. “My family will handle this.”

They believed that too, bowing to her and thanking her. Several even asked if this was connected to the arrival of the Cryo Archon, as everyone knew that such Visions had begun to appear. 

At last, they arrived at the Hokumon Shrine, where a bald old man in purple monk’s robes waited for them. Upon seeing Ami, he prostrated himself.

“If my life is required by the Raiden Shogun, here is my neck, my lady. You may have this head, for I have already failed my lady once.”

“Arise, Uncle. I’ve missed you,” Ami said softly and reached down to gently pull the old man up. When he was on his knees, Ami embraced him, tears in her eyes. He had withered since departing her mother. Now it looked as though he didn’t shave his head, but that his hair had fallen out. He had once been slightly tubby, but now he was thin to the point of malnorishment. Where his clothes had once been fine, now he wore tattered robes that smelled as though they were rarely washed. 

“I remember when you would tell me stories, Uncle, and how much you did for my mother. Before…before your mistake.”

“I led you astray. You nearly fought Lord Barbatos,” Kenichi said bitterly, but he gave Ami a gentle squeeze anyway. “Why have you come, child?”

“My mother does not forget, but she can forgive. You are still banished, but you still have a task that you can perform to serve Eternity,” Ami told Kenichi.

The hope that filled the old man’s eyes nearly broke Ami’s heart. She was reminded again of her solemn duty: She had the power of life and death with a word, and only seeing how her words had revitalized her uncle, did the nascent godling now realize how she might have forever altered the fate of Caelus and Stelle by Naming them. Swallowing, she said, “You are to go to the people of Korea, and ask them if they wish to Embrace Eternity.”

Kenichi froze for a moment, his jaw dropping open. Then he swallowed, his Adam’s Apple bobbing up and down. “But… Raiden is the God of Japan.”

“She is. But Korea finds itself trapped between the lands of two gods, and soon, my mother fears that Dantalion of Russia will stretch out a greedy hand to conquer them. You heard my mother’s stories of the Fatui, and what they did to her old land of Inazuma in their greedy quest. My mother would have given them Heaven’s Poisoned Gift had they but asked, but they resorted to vile treachery and sedition. She has come to care for the people of Korea and has promised to shelter them in time of need. Now, they must decide if they love her enough to choose her as their god.” 

“But the Koreans are…” Kenichi struggled, his face turning red as his mouth worked. 

“Do you question my mother’s will? Or are you still the faithful servant you claim to be?” Ami demanded hotly. She had no patience for her people’s prejudices against other nations, especially not since her Uncle Mushu was half Chinese and Clara was half German. Even Sayu was basically half-American, even if both her parents were native Japanese.

“I…I serve the Raiden Shogun,” Kenichi said, bowing his head. “I will go to Korea, and tell them of the Shogun’s generous offer.”

“Make it in good faith, Uncle. This is your last chance,” Ami warned. 

Kenichi chuckled bitterly. “I tried to interpret the will of the Shogun once. No more. I will be a faithful messenger.”

“Good,” Ami said, and kissed his forehead, a small spark of energy transferring between them. “Go now, with my blessing.” 

With that, Kenichi arose and left, trudging off across the snow and ice without care or preparation.

“Shouldn’t we like, give him some money or something?” Sayu whispered to Ami.

“Don’t ruin the dramatic moment of it!” Ami hissed. Then she sighed. “Murasaki…”

“I will see to the logistics, and ensure Master Kenichi has adequate supplies for his journey,” her familiar promised, and Ami grinned. 

Sometimes, being a princess was awesome.

Author’s Note:

I know I said I wouldn’t put in any more Star Rail characters, but, well, Rules Were Made to Be Broken. And there aren’t any playable Tanuki in Genshin. So, I found the nearest approximation. 

PHILO: Good ol’ Murasaki. The lynchpin of dramatic moments. Pray to the Lightning Princess Ami for success in the fantastic and bombastic, but do not forget to pay tribute to her Servant, the Kirin Murasaki, for help in the logistics.