Work Smarter, Not Harder: Party Swapping Chapter 4 (Patreon)

For the next ten days, things were about as close to perfect as they got for Kazuma and his band of misfits. Having Rin around to help ride herd on their cats was a godsend. 

“Look, Darkness, Dust, I don’t care how much fun you think it would be, you can’t just stir up an entire nest of griffins!” Rin said in disgust when those two wanted to go fight something “with teeth,” despite griffins being literally toothless thanks to their beaks. 

“But they could be a threat to the countryside, and it is our duty to defend the people of this town!” Darkness protested, practically salivating at the idea. She had on her normal armor and was still carrying her sword, though Kazuma also noted she’d gotten a pair of spiked gauntlets perfect for punching things to death, which he knew from experience she was much better at. 

For his part, Dust looked far sharper than normal, as Darkness had insisted on dressing him up in the best armor Axel had. It wasn’t as ornate as hers, but he had on rather serviceable mail and leathers in red and white, and was wielding a spear now instead of a sword. He’d not been bad with a sword before, but from what Kazuma had seen he was terrifying with a spear. 

“Come on Rin, it’ll be fun! And we can get some griffin feathers for Kazuma so he can make you a new cloak! And maybe something for us too!” 

Rin flushed at the mention of new clothes, but wagged a finger under Dust’s nose. “Do you have any idea what killing all the apex predators in the area would do to the ecological balance?! If you had two brain cells in your head, you’d realize that we’d be crawling in their main prey: hawkites! And what do hawkites like to eat?!”

“Uh…” Dust trailed off and looked to Darkness, who blushed. 

“Ah, they tend to trample farmer’s fields and eat their produce,” Darkness admitted. “That would be rather detrimental to the people of this area.”

“Not to mention that killing all the griffons would probably just invite in something worse,” Rin added, foolishly. Well, she wasn’t that experienced with Darkness wrangling yet. 

“R-really?!” Darkness asked eagerly, but Kazuma smacked her upside the back of her head. 

“Or it could collapse the ecosystem entirely, and you’d end up with NO strong monsters to fight!” he told her, which calmed Darkness down considerably. 

“Well, perhaps instead, we could take on this nest of Giant Ants! With but a SINGLE EXPLOSION, I could decimate the entire army!” Megumin declared, waving around a flier herself.

“Indeed, I could draw them out with Darkness' help, and then Kazuma, Keith, and Dust could pick off the stranglers,” Taylor agreed. “I’ve drawn up a strategic plan for the most optimal way to use Megumin’s Explosion for maximum effect, thereby funneling her the most experience possible.”

“Give me that,” Rin snapped, snatching the paper out of Taylor’s hands and stepping over to show it to Kazuma. They examined it together, and Kazuma groaned. 

“Seriously? This looks like a good way to get killed,” Kazuma complained. “You want to lure the ants out of the nest?!”

“And you assume Megumin’s Explosion will kill the queens- WHICH IT WON’T!” Rin snapped. 

“My Explosion is the most powerful spell known, with its might I can-”

“Blow up everything on the surface, yes, but the queens are buried dozens or even a hundred meters below the surface! Your spell can’t penetrate that deeply!” Rin snapped.

“The tremors could collapse the tunnels,” Taylor pointed out. He was becoming as bad as Megumin was. 

Shaking his head in exasperation, Kazuma said, “No, no, no! That’s not how you kill an ant nest at all! You’ve got to pour some sort of flammable liquid or gas into them, then set it off. Don’t get that excited look on your face! If we did that, we’d make a boom so big it would wipe out Axel from the earthquake!”

“You…you really think so?” Megumin asked dreamily. 

“And you too! So no, we’re NOT taking that plan,” Rin said firmly. She peered at the board, then selected a much more reasonable quest to hunt some giant frogs. “We’ll do this one instead.”

“Noooo! Not the giant frogs!” Aqua wailed. “They’re so stinky!” 

“I-I would not mind being in the front line against the frogs,” Darkness said, salivating slightly. 

“Hmph. I suppose they are decent experience,” Megumin grudgingly admitted. “So long as we gather them together.”

“And Kazuma can cook us a delicious meal of frog legs when we’re done, and the bounty is extra juicy. So you can buy extra bubbly, Aqua,” Rin cajoled the weepy goddess.

“You…you mean it? Ok! Bubbly and fried frog for everyone!” Aqua said happily, and they set out on the quest. 

The frog hunt turned out to be rather easier than Kazuma was used to, mostly because Rin’s party had some actual firepower. If anything, their problem was that while Taylor was a good enough tank, Rin, Dust, and Keith were all DPS, so their party lacked utility or healing options, which Kazuma had in abundance. With his clever use of Command Performance to imitate a bleating goat, he was able to lure the frogs into a killing zone, where Megumin blew 10 to unusable smithereens, and then they harvested eight more to satisfy the quest requirements. Hauling the meat back was a pain, but between their meatheads in Darkness, Taylor, and Dust, it was a breeze. 

They arrived back at the guild to deliver their load of frog meat, only for a cloaked figure to step out of an alleyway and block their progress. The apparition pointed an ominous hand at Darkness and Dust, throwing back her hood to reveal a familiar blonde. “Halt! You are requested and required to answer before the Throne at Her Highness’ pleasure.

“The Suit,” Kazuma growled, glaring at Claire, who glared right back at him. He turned to Darkness, who had straightened at the appearance of one of Princess Iris’ retainers. “What did you do?”

“Hey, why do you think she did anything?” Dust demanded, glaring at Kazuma. Then he dropped his voice and whispered, “Babe, what did we do? Who’s this? Do you owe money to someone again? Cause, uh, I’ve got a few debts but, uh not like that…”

“We will go at once,” Darkness said, putting a reassuring hand on Dust’s arm. 

“Very well,” Claire agreed. “Come, I have a teleport ready for you.”

“Now hold on just a second!” Rin said, stepping forward. “I don’t know who you are, but you can’t just haul off Dust and Darkness without a warrant! They have rights!” 

Claire fixed Rin with a flat look. “This is none of your concern. Do not attempt to impede this summons, it is a matter of national security.”

Rin bristled, but Kazuma sighed heavily. “Rin, it’s fine, that’s just Claire.” 

“Just Claire?! She’s in the uniform of a Royal Officer! Darkness, tell her who you really are, so you don’t get arrested!” Rin said frantically. 

“Rin…Claire is my cousin. I visited her family estates often as a girl, and she mine,” Darkness sighed. 

“Unlike some people, I don’t waste my time with commoners gallivanting about the countryside. Some of us have important work to do,” Claire sniffed. “It’s time for you to put aside that and attend to your duties, Lalatina.”

“Oh come off it, Claire. Did my Lil Sis send you? Don’t tell me she sent you all the way over here for Darkness and didn’t even ask about me,” Kazuma needled. 

Claire looked like she was sucking lemons, while Rin mouthed “lil sis” with wide eyes. 

“Her Highness also indicated there was an invitation for you and the rest of your party as well,” Claire spat, her lip curling in distaste. “But really, this matter just concerns-”

“Super, so that means all eight of us are going to the Capital,” Kazuma said with his best shit-eating grin. 

“Eight!?” Claire’s eyes wandered over the rest. “You mean this riffraff?”

Kazuma bristled at that, but Darkness interrupted. “We have joined our two parties together, Sir Cheruka and I. You may consider them our retainers.” 

“They don’t look like proper servants,” Claire sneered, but she relented. “Fine. I have two royal mages on standby for the spells. Come at once, her Highness is most anxious to speak with you.”

“Fine, but we gotta drop off this toad meat and then stop by the mansion first, we’re filthy,” Kazuma said.

“This is a royal summons!” Claire bristled. “On the likely chance your education failed you, ‘at her highness’ pleasure’ means right now!  You are urgently required at-”

“Oh back off Suit. You’d make snide remarks about us smelling like frog guts for weeks if we saw my Lil Sis like this. We’ll go get changed, you bring the mages to our place and we can just teleport from there,” Kazuma told her. 

Claire gritted her teeth, but jerked a nod. “...very well. I will see you there, Sato.” 

“Right. Keith, Taylor, you two haul the frog meat to the guild. Don’t haggle about the price too hard, we’re on a timetable. Then hustle back and clean up, we’re going on a field trip,” Kazuma told them. 

“Wait, are you really going to the castle? I, uh, I don’t know that I got the clothes for that,” Keith prevaricated, looking rather nervous. 

“Eh it’s fine, unlike Miss Snooty here my Lil Sis is a chill bro. She won’t judge. We’ll get you some proper duds if we’re sticking around the Capitol long,” Kazuma assured him. 

“Her Highness is not a ‘chill bro!’” Claire snarled, sticking a finger in Kazuma’s chest. “I have been trying for MONTHS to get her to unlearn that vulgar slang you insist on teaching her! I swear, if you so much as teach her one more phrase I will-”

“Relax, fam. We gonna go back to the hizzle and get our new flash. Then we gonna be illin’ it up at the- WHOOP!” 

Claire tried to karate chop Kazuma, but he ducked under it and spirited off. “DAMN YOU KAZUMA SATO, DO NOT TEACH MY PRECIOUS IRIS MORE OF YOUR FILTHY PEASANT TALK!” 

Fortunately, Claire didn’t chase Kazuma so he slowed to the walk as the others caught up to him. 

“Ok, time out,” Rin panted, having run up to him with the rest of the girls and Dust. “Lil Sis!? Your little sister you’ve been telling me about is IRIS STYLISH SWORD BELZERG!?”

“Keep it down, you’re going to ruin my street cred,” Kazuma whispered, making a shushing gesture with both hands. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. She probably just wants a play date or something, it’s been a while since we visited.”

Rin gave Kazuma an exasperated look, then put her head in her hands. “We’re going on a royal visit! I don’t have anything to wear! What am I going to DO!?” 

Putting his arm around Rin, Kazuma tried his best to console her. “It’s fine! Iris is a sweet girl, she won’t make a big deal out of it!” 

“You can borrow one of my dresses,” Megumin piped up, having been transferred to Aqua’s back. “Unlike some people, you have a more reasonable build, and thus should fit my clothes without too much trouble.” 

Rin shot Megumin a grateful look. “Thanks, but we’d have to poke a hole for my tail, and I don’t want to ruin one of your nice dresses.” 

“Make Kazuma do it then, and you can keep the dress and pay me back sometime. I too understand what it is like for someone who grew up with less than three sets of clothes to my name, and nothing to wear to a royal appointment,” Megumin said consolingly. 

Rin and Megumin chatted all the way back to the mansion, then hustled off to try on clothes, while Kazuma hastily washed and picked out his fanciest duds to change into. He always hated putting on the monkey suit with the stupidly large collar. It wasn’t just uncomfortable, it was hard to move around in, and it made him look ridiculous in his own opinion. 

He was just about to pull on his hose when Rin hurried into the room, carrying one of Megumin’s nicer dresses from previous visits to the capital. “Kazuma, quick, can you modify this for my tail? I know I’m a lot taller than Megumin, but it’s my only hope! There’s no way I could ever fit into one of Darkness or Aqua’s dresses with their bust sizes!” 

“Sure, bring me my sewing kit,” Kazuma said, taking the dress from Rin. She hurried over to the dresser and grabbed his kit as he sat down on the bed in just his underwear. “Take off your clothes though, I’m going to need to try this on you. I’ll probably have to do a few modifications to make it fit, did you try it on already?” 

“You just want to see me naked,” Rin accused, but she was already shucking off her clothes as hastily as she could, kicking them towards the laundry hamper then scrambling back to his side. 

“Stand there,” Kazuma told her, then held the dress up to her. “Hmm, you’ve got a good 15cm on Megumin. Well, it’ll just have to be a shorter skirt on you, we can claim that’s fashionable or whatever.”

“I tested it, it’s knee length on me which is a bit scandalous but it’s summer, so hopefully it will be alright?” Rin asked anxiously, peering down as Kazuma measured the dress. 

“I’ve seen Darkness wear knee-length dresses at the palace so it’s fine,” Kazuma said absently, his fingers flying as he activated his Tailoring skill. “The real issue is this tail, hmmm…”

“Are…are there many beastkin at court?” Rin asked nervously. “M-maybe I should just hide it…”

“Fuck that, you’re my girlfriend and if they have a problem with it they can lump it,” Kazuma said with a snort. “Right, just a cut here, and some stitching…and a few adjustments to the hem…”

Rin watched nervously as Kazuma sat back down and altered the dress. This was rather complicated, and even with his skill it would take a few minutes. “Why don’t you go wash off and I’ll have this done by the time you get out of the bath?” 

“Ok, ok, I have to do my hair!” Rin said frantically, then ran out of the room.

Kazuma shrugged, as he figured Rin’s hair looked fine as it was, but didn’t argue. He took a bit of extra time to make the dress more expertly tailored to Rin’s figure, which he was now intimately familiar with. He blushed a little thinking about it, but maintained his focus. 

He was just putting on the finishing touches when Rin hurried back in, looking freshly scrubbed and with her hair done up in an ornate braid instead of the usual messy ponytail. “Hey, you look nice,” he commented. 

“I don’t need to look nice, I need to look fantastic! This is the princess! Will she exile me if I look like a schlubby commoner!?” Rin panted. 

“Then you’ll look just like me, except much nicer because I have to wear this clown suit. Help me put it on, will you? This thing is a bitch and a half to get on,” Kazuma said, grimacing and picking up the red hose.

Rin helped him quickly dress, though she muttered about how impractical the whole ensemble was. “How are you supposed to move with this stupidly oversized dog collar on?!”

“I know, right? Makes it really damn hard to eat too, which is a shame because they have a great spread at all the balls and stuff. I’m always worried I’m going to drop some food in the damn thing and ruin it, and it’s pricey! Why can’t they wear something more practical!?”

“How am I going to afford this?!” Rin wailed, and suddenly burst into tears, squatting down and putting her head in her hands.

“Hey, hey, relax,” Kazuma said, squatting down with Rin. “It’s a royal summons. They probably have another General for us to face off with. The bounty on those is huge, you’ll be as rich as I am after this!”

“I just…I don’t know if I can do this, Kazuma. I’m a beastkin girl from Spoke! That’s almost as backwards as Axel!” Rin hiccuped, scrubbing at her face as Kazuma rubbed her back. “I don’t know how to talk to princesses, or have royal audiences, or live in mansions! I…I thought you were just a normal guy, but you call the Princess Lil Sis and you’re rich and famous and-”

“Rin, you do realize I’m a lowborn foreigner, right?” Kazuma interrupted, feeling frustrated. Why was she getting all weepy? This wasn’t a big deal. “And I’m not one of those foreigners with a stupidly OP cheat item like Mitsurugi. Hell, before I came here, I was a shut in NEET with parents who were freaking accountants at a small grocery store chain!” 

Blinking up at Kazuma, Rin frowned. “NEET? Wait, you were a shut-in whose parents were grocers?”

“Uh, basically. I, um, I was sort of the family disappointment,” Kazuma admitted, rubbing the back of his head. “I just…I didn’t want to be a corporate wage slave and have my life just be this boring little patter where I ground away at a dead-end job 60 hours a week, came home to a wife that didn’t love me, and kids that didn’t know me. So…I ran away from it all. That’s…well, that’s sort of how I ended up here.”

Rin considered that, then hiccuped and slowly stood up. “Do…do you have a hankie?”

Kazuma got her one, and Rin blew her nose, and then cleaned her face. “Sorry, I just…this is a lot. I always thought I’d spend most of my life as a part-timer adventurer until I got too old or too injured, then take one of those boring jobs teleporting people or using magic to keep food cold on caravans or something. I never dreamed…”

“Yeah, I admit, I never thought it would happen to me either,” Kazuma admitted. He held out a hand to Rin. “Wanna come along for the ride anyway?” 

Rin took Kazuma’s hand, and he pulled her into a hug. “Yes. At least it won’t be boring.”

“I could do with some boring,” Kazuma said dryly. 

That made Rin laugh. “No you couldn’t! I’ve seen you whine and complain about quests for a year now, but you always end up going on the most insane ones and even volunteering for suicide missions. Heck, you even actually died a few times! The Scumzuma I know would bitch and moan every step of the way about going on an Adventure, but be the first one who volunteered for it and have the time of his life while doing it.”

“Hey, you’re not allowed to have my number that well,” Kazuma muttered, feeling naked despite how overdressed he was. 

“I’m your girlfriend, silly. It’s my job to have your number down better than you do. Now help me into this dress, we don’t want to keep royalty waiting.”

About two hours after Claire’s summons, everyone was ready to go. Keith and Taylor were dressed in clean and acceptable clothes that were not even close to the high fashion of the court, which made Kazuma jealous as their outfits looked way more comfortable. Dust, on the other hand, was in an even more ornate and overdone getup than Kazuma, with giant puffy sleeves and an even bigger lace collar. Infuriatingly, he moved naturally in it like he’d been born to it, which if what he claimed was true he probably had been. 

The girls were all in the fancy dress Kazuma had come to expect during visits to the capital, but unless he missed his guess, Megumin was padding her bra. Not as much as Eris did, but she clearly was advertising goods that she didn’t have. Maybe Taylor didn’t mind pads either. 

“Are you all finally ready to go?” Claire demanded, tapping her foot impatiently in the sitting room. 

“We are, make with the teleporting,” Kazuma said with a regal nod to Claire. 

Rin clutched at Kazuma’s arm as the two royal mages chanted, looking slightly giddy.

“You've, uh, teleported before, right?” Kazuma whispered to her. 

“Yes, of course! I’ve been to the capital too, but these are Royal Mages! The best of the best! I used to dream I’d master Advanced Magic and join their ranks, but I ran out of tuition before I was even close to enough skill points.”

“Eh you’re a plenty good mage, I bet you could kick their ass,” Kazuma told her. 

Rin smiled at him, but shook her head. Then they were wrapped in a blue glow, and a moment later, the mansion was replaced by the teleportation circle in the castle courtyard.

Kazuma stepped out, nodding to one of the servants who was waiting for them. “Sebastian.”

“Ah, you and your little jokes, Master Sato. Once more, my name is Heidel.”

Rin was looking around, awe-struck, her tail wagging slightly. Keith and Taylor were gaping even more openly, though Megumin tugged on Taylor’s arm and he shut his mouth quickly enough. 

“Ah, welcome back, Lady Claire,” Sebastian said, bowing to the suit. “And Lady Dustiness. We’ve been expecting you. Her Highness is waiting in her private solar for you.”

“Thank you, Heidel. Right this way,” Claire said, and led the way not through the front entrance, but through a side door. Then it was through back corridors and hallways to Iris’ chambers, Rin clutched at Kazuma’s arm all the while and her eyes as wide as teacups as she stared at all the finery around them. Kazuma took it all in stride, though he had to admit he felt like a big man getting to give Rin a tour of the Royal Palace. 

“Don’t let Iris intimidate you,” Kazuma whispered to Rin. “Or more specifically, don’t let Claire intimidate you. Iris is a sweetie.”

“She’s also a Belzerg with the legendary blade Caliber! How can you NOT be intimidated by that?” Rin hissed back with a smile on her face, her right eye twitching slightly and her tail as stiff and bristly as a broom. 

“Relax. I love you, so Lil Sis will too,” Kazuma said, patting her arm. 

“Now is not the time to drop the ‘I love you!’ we’ve only been dating a week, we-”

“Introducing Lady Dustiness, Sir Kazuma Sato, Sir Rein Cheruka, Lady Aqua of the Axis Cult, and Miss Megumin of the Crimson Demon Clan, and guests,” ‘Sebastian’ said.

“Thank you, Heidel,” Rin said, looking like a raccoon in the headlights as they were led into Iris’ opulent solar. 

The room looked as it always did, with gilded walls hung with giant portraits of Iris and her family, lush carpets, and a massive four-poster bed that Kazuma knew from experience was perfect for playing cards on. Iris herself was sitting on one of her velvet white couches, looking as pristine as ever in her silken white gowns. She looked like the very model of regal royalty, serene and calm.

Then she promptly revealed who she truly was by bouncing up onto her feet and running over to throw her arms around Kazuma’s waist with a cry of “Big Bro!” 

“Hey squirt, have you gotten taller, or did they just buy you bigger shoes?” Kazuma said, mussing Iris’ perfectly coiffed hair so that the stubborn ahoge poked up. She grinned at him, even as Claire made several strangled noises and Rin and her party looked like their eyes would bug out of their heads. Kazuma nodded to the other woman in the room. 

“What up, Rain? Long time no see.”

“It is good to see you again as well, Master Sato,” Rain said, bowing and smiling to him. 

“Kazuma! Who is this woman on your arm?” Iris gasped, letting go of him to study Rin. 

“Oh this is the sanest woman in Axel, and my girlfriend, Rin,” Kazuma said. “Rin, this is my Lil Sis, Iris.”

 “I-It is an honor to meet you, your majesty,” Rin stammered bowing low. 

Iris pursed her lips, glanced at Claire, then grinned wickedly. 

“Your Highness,” Claire groaned, but it was too late. 

“For shizzel my Rinzle. It is quite excellent to meet my bro’s homies. You are all welcome to stay here in my crib for the next few days. I must attain the deets from Cousin Tina and her new squeeze.”

The slang didn’t sound quite right coming from Iris, who maintained her excellent elocution and diction that sounded completely out of place when she popped in the street slang. But it did have the desired effect of turning Claire purple as she shot death glares at Kazuma. 

“Ha! It is been too long since we have seen one another, my young apprentice!” Megumin said, shoving Kazuma and Rin aside and planting herself in front of the princess. “Tell me, have you continued your training? What sign of our quarry?”

Iris dropped to one knee as Rain sighed in exasperation, then put a binding spell on Claire to prevent her from dive-tackling Megumin. 

“There have been no signs of our prey, master, but I remain ever vigilant, and maintain my nightly training regimes.”

“You said you’d stopped leaving the castle!” Claire half sobbed, and Rain looked disapproving as well.

“I said I’d stop putting myself in danger. And since no one in the Capital is capable of defeating me, I’m not in any danger, now am I?” Iris said cheekily, rising back to her feet. Then she turned to Darkness, and her expression became serious. “As much as I would love to chat, I believe we have official business to discuss. Claire, show our guests to their chambers. I would speak with Cousin Tina and Sir Cheruka in private.”

“Woah, hold up, what’s going on?” Kazuma said, frowning at Dust and Darkness. “What did you two do?”

“Do not fear, Kazuma,” Darkness told him. “It is a matter of delicate international politics. I’m certain we will speak to you once we have laid out plans for her Highness.”

“Yeah, we just…” Dust choked up, and swallowed, his eyes watering. “Whatever it takes to get her back…”

That was cryptic as hell, but Darkness reassured Kazuma they were fine. Deciding he could pry any information he needed out of her or Iris later, he allowed Claire to lead them to their rooms, muttering imprecations not quite under her breath the entire time.

“If this works,  I’m going to have to trust you again, Sato, and I don’t like it. Don’t you dare drag her Highness into this,” Claire warned him. 

Unable to resist the chance to needle Claire, Kazuma grinned at her. “Aw come on, Suit. I dealt with Alderp and the Silver Masked Thief Brigade. This will be a breeze.” 

“I don’t know what you did about Alderp, but now that you’re back I swear if the Silver Masked Thief Shows up again, I’ll-”

“Woah, hold on, I already have a girlfriend. You’ll have to find someone else to swoon over,” Kazuma told her. Claire’s face went bright red, and Kazuma barely dragged Rin into his room and slammed the door in time.

“I WILL KILL YOU, SATO, IF YOU BREATHE A WORD OF THIS TO ANYONE!” Claire ranted, fists pounding on the door. 

“You know, for a noblewoman, she’s not very composed,” Kazuma told Rin, who was still wide-eyed and breathless. 

“She…she’s the Princess’ personal retainer. And you just…make her fly off the handle?” Rin asked, sounding dazed.

“To be fair, I tend to have that effect on people. It’s just deliberate with Claire,” Kazuma told her. 

Rin shook her head slowly. “I can’t tell if you’re incredibly brave or just a moron.”

“Eh, they’re just people, it’s not a big deal. Trust me, you’ll love Iris, even if Claire is a bitch,” Kazuma told her, then tugged at his collar. “Ugh, help me get out of this monkey suit. Some of my regular clothes should be in the dresser.”

“You have regular quarters at the royal palace? What am I saying? The Princess acted like you were family. Of course you have regular quarters,” Rin muttered, shaking her head. She looked down at herself and sighed. “Well, at least this dress is nice. But I don’t exactly have a change of clothes.”

“Oh, yeah.” Kazuma went over and stuck his head out of the door. “Yo, Sebastian.”

“It’s Heidel, Master Kazuma.”

“Right. Anyway, send someone for Rin’s clothes back home, we’re staying for a while. Oh, and have the tailor send over some fabrics, she needs some fancy duds and we’ve got time to kill.”

“At once, Master Kazuma.”

“You’re the best, Sebastian.”

“Ha ha, you and your little jokes, Master Kazuma.”

Kazuma closed the door, only to find Rin scowling at him. “Why do you keep calling that poor man Sebastian? I didn’t think you were the type to be cruel to servants.”

“Honestly, it was a mistake the first time. In my homeland, the stereotypical name for butlers is Sebastian and he just looks like a Sebastian. After that, I just want to see if I can get him to crack. You know, drop that facade and actually chew me out. But that damn butler never lets his professional mask drop for even a moment! I’ll get him one day though.”

Rin rolled her eyes but smiled. “Try calling him Heidel. I bet you’ll make him jump.”

“Huh. Yeah, gotta mix it up sometimes,” Kazuma agreed, peeling out of his uncomfortable clothes and tossing them onto the floor.

“Kazuma! Don’t be a slob,” Rin lectured. “This isn’t your house!” 

“Eh, the maids will get it,” he told her, rummaging in the wardrobe for some of his more comfortable casual clothes.

“Well I’m not staying in a room that looks like a pigsty and I am most certainly not your maid. So don’t you even think of leaving your dirty underwear on the floor.”

Kazuma honestly never thought about it, he just sort of let his underwear fall where it may, and if he was at home, put it in the hamper when it was time to wash clothes and hauled it down then. However, when weighed against the prospect of spending the night with Rin, Kazuma found he suddenly cared very much about where his underwear ended up, and dutifully picked it up off the floor and put it in the hamper. Though not before whacking Rin with it. 

“Ack! Don’t be gross! Put those things away! You’re going to ruin my dress!” Rin protested, jerking away from the assault. 

“Eh the palace has a great laundry, don’t sweat it,” Kazuma told her. 

He changed into more comfortable clothes, and a few minutes later Heidel returned with a bundle of Rin’s clothes in one hand and an armload of fabric in the other. “As you requested, sir.”

“Thanks Heidel, you’re the best,” Kazuma told him, and studied the man for a response. 

To his amusement, Heidel teared up slightly. “I…You’re welcome, sir. Thank you for remembering my name.”

Then with a bow that seemed much more genuine, Heidel departed and Kazuma closed the door. 

“Right, ready to make me some nice clothes?” Rin asked, and Kazuma turned around. He paused, as Rin was now entirely naked, her tail swishing back and forth. 

“Well, I could do that, orrrr…” Kazuma said, trailing off. 

“Clothes first, then your reward. I am not going to be underdressed compared to that shrew in a suit,” Rin told him. 

That made Kazuma cackle, and he set about making Rin several sets of ornate gowns, and even a pantsuit. To his private amusement, he modeled the clothes after clothes he’d seen in various anime and period dramas over the years, so that Rin’s clothes were closer to cosplay than anything else. 

“Are you sure this is what the fashion is? Maybe we should have had the tailor send over some engravings,” Rin said, turning about in Princess Amelia’s pink frilly gown from Slayers TRY. 

“If it’s not the fashion before you wear it, it will be after everyone sees you in it,” Kazuma promised her, pulling her close as she giggled. 

“You pig, you really do only have one thing on your mind, don’t you?” Rin asked, then kissed him, pressing herself against Kazuma’s chest. 

Which was when there was a knock at the door. Kazuma and Rin hastily sprang apart, and Kazuma cleared his throat. “Uh, come in.”

Heidel poked his head in. “Master Kazuma, her Highness requests that you and your lady join her in the private dining room.”

“Uh, of course, at once. Lead on Seb-” Rin’s elbow connected with Kazuma’s gut, and he hastily corrected to, “Heidel.” 

“Being annoying to a stuck-up noble is one thing, picking on the poor servants is another. Heidel literally can’t fight back, because normally with people like you, it would be worth his job or his life to back talk,” Rin hissed at Kazuma as he rubbed his aching side. 

“I wouldn’t do that!” Kazuma complained. 

“And how does he know that? Because you can’t tell me that your average run of the mill blue blooded bastard wouldn’t!” 

Kazuma opened and shut his mouth, and realized he didn’t have a good reply. 

“You may not know this, sir, but I have been married many years,” Heidel commented, apparently apropos of nothing as he led them down the hall. “Sometimes, when my wife says something of good sense, or even when she does not, the proper response is usually ‘Yes, dear.’ Has saved me a great deal of trouble.”

Kazuma looked over at Rin, gave her a weak smile, and managed, “Yes, dear.”

Rin beamed happily up at him in response, her tail wagging slightly. Kazuma’s tail wagged too when she leaned on him, but he tried to control it. 

It turned out Iris wasn’t alone in the small dining chamber in her quarters: Dust and Darkness were already there, along with Rain and the ever-annoying Claire.

“Are the others joining us?” Kazuma asked, pulling a chair out for Rin before seating himself. 

“No, I thought it best to be discreet about this, and while I adore both Megumin and Aqua, their discretion is, ah, somewhat lacking,” Iris said with a wry grin. 

“You mean that Megumin would shout it from the rooftops and Aqua would tell anyone who got her a mug of ale,” Rin said with a sigh. 

“Quite,” Iris agreed. “Oh! Though we have been introduced, I simply must know how you and my Big Bro met, Miss Rin. Where are you from? I know you are also an Adventurer, what sort of quests have you been on?”

“Oh, uh, well, I’m not very interesting,” Rin said, blushing and looking nervous as all eyes turned towards her. 

“Anyone interesting to my Big Bro is interesting to me,” Iris reassured her. “And I simply adore stories of adventures!” 

“Well, uh, I grew up in Spoke, a small town to the south,” Rin explained. “My parents were grocers, and made a decent enough living. I have three other siblings and I didn’t want to sell vegetables or turn into a baby factory before I was 20, so I begged my parents for tuition and joined the College of Mages here in the capital.” 

Rin continued her story as dinner was served. Light affair by royal standards, but there were deviled dragon eggs and leviathan filets. Iris soothed Rin’s nervousness with her enthusiasm about hearing stories about both her days as a student at the College of Mages at the Royal Academy, as well as hearing about her various adventures. Claire was mercifully silent, while Darkness and Dust were unusually reserved. 

“How did you and Big Bro meet?” Iris asked as the dessert, a rich triple layer vanilla cake with whipped cream frosting and fresh berries, was served. 

“Actually, we met not long after he and Aqua came to Axel, but we met when he and Dust swapped parties,” Rin explained. 

“Really? Big Bro’s never told me that story,” Iris said, looking curiously to Kazuma. 

“It was his idea,” Kazuma said, pointing to Dust. “That moron thought I had it easy!” 

“Hey, in my defense, you looked like you were cultivating a harem of beautiful girls with advanced classes, and I was working my ass off in a party that was three dudes and Rin!” Dust protested. 

“Yeah, well, which one of us ended up sleeping with Darkness and which with Rin, huh?” Kazuma demanded.

Iris’s jaw dropped open, while Darkness turned bright red. Claire’s eyes narrowed, and Rain blushed in embarrassment. 

“That is not appropriate discussion for this table, Sato!” Claire snapped. 

“We didn’t, um, start dating then,” Rin hastily clarified, trying to get things back on track. “I’m not really sure what happened to Dust, but he didn’t want to talk about it afterwards and he looked like three miles of bad road. Kazuma, on the other hand, saved my life and the life of Keith and Taylor too.”

“Truly, how?!” Iris demanded, sidetracked for now. 

“Eh, it was just some goblins, no biggie,” Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. Normally he would take any opportunity to brag in front of Iris, but right now that didn’t seem wholly appropriate.

“We did have a quest to clear out a nest of goblins, which isn’t a big deal, even for someone who just knows intermediate magic like me and the rest of our low level party,” Rin agreed. “And at first the quest went really well: We cleared out a camp of goblins easily. Too easily, in fact. And I’m sure you know what that means.”

Iris gasped in horror and delight. “A Beginner’s Bane!” 

“Yes.” Rin nodded grimly, her expression serious. “A full grown Bane. The sort of monster that would eat a low level Crusader, Archer, Mage, and Adventurer for lunch with little effort. But Kazuma felt that something was off.”

“I mean, it just seemed too easy, you know? How come no one else had completed that quest? It’d been up for a week,” Kazuma said sheepishly. 

Rin shook her head. “None of the rest of us noticed, and it wasn’t like we were completely inexperienced: We’d been Adventuring for longer than you had by several months. We should have recognized the signs of a Bane. But we didn’t. You did.”

“I just got lucky,” Kazuma said, shrugging lamely.

“That wasn’t luck. You got us off the path and concealed us with Lurk until the Bane was gone, then led us back to town with the quest complete. If it had been Dust instead of you, we would have been dead,” Rin said. Then she paused, and frowned at Dust. “Or…would we? Who are you, anyway? I know you said you were some sort of minor noble from Bryndle, but…this is about you, isn’t it?”

“It’s not about me,” Dust said stiffly. “It’s about her. Faitfore. My dragon.”

“You have a dragon?” Kazuma asked, mystified. He glanced at Rin, but her jaw had dropped open. 

“You’re a dragon knight of Bryndle?!” Rin demanded, slamming her palms on the table. “Why are you slumming it with a low level party then!? No wonder you killed two Banes with a stick! You’re the sort of person who should be fighting Devil King generals, not Kazuma! What level even are you?! You never mentioned it, come to think of it!” 

“Sixty-seven…” Dust admitted, unable to meet Rin’s eyes. 

“Sixty-?!” Rin made several strangled noises, then half shouted, half screamed, “You’re one of the most powerful adventures in Axel, no, the entire KINGDOM, and you spend all your time passed out drunk in an alley or in jail for public urination!?” 

“I mean, it’s not always public urination,” Dust protested. “Sometimes it’s illegal gambling.”

Claire looked ready to do murder, but Iris motioned her back down while fighting back a smile. 

“Lady Dustiness, I apologize,” Rin told Darkness, an exasperated look on her face. “I thought I had this moron at least halfway house broken, but you’ll have your work cut out for you if you want to turn him into something even halfway resembling a man.”

“I, ah, am aware of Dust’s foibles,” Darkness admitted, blushing slightly. “They are part of what makes him so attractive to me. But you see…he was not always like this.”

“What, were you an upstanding citizen before they kicked you out of the Dragon Knights for drinking on duty?!” Rin demanded. 

“No,” Dust suddenly sat up, a steely look in his eyes that had Rin lean back. “I never did anything less than my duty. What happened…what happened was I trusted the wrong people to do the right thing.”

Dust then tersely recounted his story: he had been a Dragon Knight of Bryndle, one of the most powerful warriors of that land, mounted upon an elder dragon and the equal opponent of nearly any force the Devil King could muster with just him and his mount, Faitifore. The way he spoke, Faitifore was closer to a daughter or beloved little sister than a simple mount.

“She always took good care of me, always was happy to see me. I’d stay in the stable with her and read her stories sometimes, fairy tales were her favorite. I rescued her from traffickers who had stolen her from her nest as a hatchling. We were inseparable once I freed her, and that was how I became a dragon knight. It was my dream come true…”

“So what happened?” Kazuma asked. “Faitifore, is she…?”

“I…I hope she’s fine. That they haven’t locked her up again. The last time I saw her…but I’m skipping ahead. You see, we were assigned to bodyguard the Princess of Byrndle, Leonore.”

“The insufferable bitch,” Iris muttered.

“Princess!” Rain gasped, while Claire just about fainted dead away. 

“Rain, we are in private, and you’ve met Leonore. She is the most insufferable, arrogant, and rude bitch of a woman I have ever met, and that includes Baroness Leustrade!” Iris stated emphatically. 

“It’s still not proper for you to use language like that,” Rain chided. “A princess must comport herself properly.”

“Oh leave off it, Rain. I’ve wanted to strangle Leonore every moment I’ve had to spend with that shrew of a woman,” Claire said with a snort to Kazuma’s utter astonishment. “Finish your story, Rein.” 

“Well, uh, to make a long story short, one night her Highness demanded I take her flying. I said yes, but what I didn’t realize is that she was scheduled to be married in two days time.”

“You were her bodyguard. And you just forgot she was getting married,” Rin said in a deadpan tone.

“Er, well, I knew, it’s just…she was so insistent, you know? And I had a crush on her. I…I couldn’t decide what to do. My duty to the kingdom, or my duty to obey her. And, well, I’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face, so…so I flew off with her. I was going to have her back by dawn, but she had sort of left an elopement announcement, and then we were on the run from the other dragon knights. I panicked, didn’t know what to do. It was sort of my fault, but-”

“No, Leonore had a duty as your liegewoman. A duty she betrayed,” Darkness said firmly. “She used her womanly wiles to convince you she was in love with you, then abused her position as your superior to force you to take her away and made everyone assume you were having a tryst.”

“Did you have a tryst with Princess Leonore?” Kazuma asked with a sort of sick fascination. 

“Well, uh, no. She, uh, she did come on to me pretty strong, but I was so stressed out that, er, I couldn’t get it up,” Dust admitted. “And I told her no. In the end, they caught us, and I took the blame for everything. But they tied up Faitifore, who didn’t understand what was going on at all. In the end, they stripped me of my title and exiled me, and I don’t know what happened to Faitifore. Last I saw her, she was tied up in a dungeon and screaming for me. I…I couldn’t save her. She’s being punished for my mistake.”

“So…what?” Rin looked around. Her eyes suddenly narrowed. “You’re playing this for a political angle somehow, aren’t you?”

“Our first concern is helping Sir Cheruka ensure his beloved Faitifore is well,” Iris assured Rin. “Though there is the secondary matter of this being a chance for Belzerg to secure a Dragon Knight for ourselves.”

“And if we do get Faitifore back, they say I can marry Darkness!” Dust said, grabbing Rin’s hand. “Please, Rin, you have to help me! I can’t figure this out on my own, but you’re smart, and so is Kazuma! You can come up with a plan, right?”

Kazuma glanced at Darkness, who gave him a pleading expression. He sighed, then looked at Rin. She bit her lip, but nodded. 

“Right.” Kazuma leaned forward. “Tell me everything you can about Bryndle, its princess, and the castle. We’ll figure out how to get your dragon back.”

“With minimal diplomatic fallout,” Iris instructed. “Especially without causing an international incident.”

“That too,” Kazuma agreed. “Unless it’s necessary.”

Rin swatted him, but she grinned in approval. “We’ll get your precious baby Faitifore, Dust. Don’t worry.”

They spent the rest of the night scheming up a plan, but Kazuma knew the truth already.

One way or another, this whole thing was about to go off the rails. It always did.