Episode 246 - Nipple Reattachment Surgery (Patreon)

Check out the video episode! 

This week on Podcast Crimes, how well do you know your fans? For every diehard fan out there that is a normal Joe Schmo, there lurks the possible John Wayne Gacy of podcast fans. The small town of Saratoga in Wyoming recently had a crisis on their hands when there was a spree of vandalism. The police, despite setting up cameras to catch the criminal behind these heinous acts, were dumbfounded when each morning they were sent a package of freshly broken door handles. But with the help of a forensics expert, they were led to the home of Robert Karns, where they found a literal trove of handles in his basement. After he was apprehended, he only ever spoke one phrase: "No more handles". Chilling. Join us next week as we explore other podcasts and their totally real, actual, crazy fans.

- Enhanced Cleaning Procedures
- The Death Warrant of HWIDG
- Elon Musk
- Asterisks

There's a reason the Handlebreaker doesn't like martinis. Tab made me one once and the combination of floral gin, lemon, and bad vodka reminded me of drinking the bottom of a jar of Lysol wipes. That's not a flavor I like to associate with my mouth area, especially during a sit down meal. You don't put out all of your kitchen sink cabinet cleaning products when you have guests over for dinner do you? You make fish tacos and serve them with a side of RAID?

How do you introduce suspense into any action movie? Add a ticking clock element! Knowing Batman only has a few seconds to save Harvey Dent from the Joker amps up the action! So, as any good film does, we have now introduced a ticking clock to HWIDG! What's going to happen? Will the show end? Will it go on? Find out in a year or two!

Elon Musk is the real life Tony Stark. The problem with that is that we don't live in a comic book world where the billionaire tech guy gets a new lease on life and starts to use his riches for good. Instead we have the asshole egoist that wants to solve the world's problems five things at a time. Do we need self-landing rockets? Do we need self-driving electric cars when neither electric cars nor self-driving cars have been perfected yet? Do we need a giant sci-fi not-flamethrower? What about a giant interconnected network of underground tunnels with trains in them? No.

No one wants the truth it seems. We live in a world of asterisks.  Batteries not included, some assembly required, etc. Any number you read on a package is the peak theoretical highest and never an example of average use. That hard drive has a write speed of 5000 gigabytes! That's amazing! Yeah, well it peaked at 4,950 for a fraction of a second in one test out of twenty. Ta-da!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.