Esmie the Calamity Chapter 21 (Patreon)

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I tripped and fell, squealing all the way down until I hit the dirty cobbles of the market square. The procession of minor nobles, out on a stroll to sample rich people things at the market, all turned to watch. They were mildly amused, but not terribly concerned. I was just a silly adventurer, after all.

They should have run when they had the chance. My oh so clumsy foot caught the lock of a cage that housed a rather unpleasant animal. The owner of the exotic pets stall hadn't gone for anything fancy, just a simple enchantment on a finger latch. It's not like the the animal could wield a lockpick with any skill, and the owner was there to ward off thieves.

The cage door swung open, creaking like a prophecy of calamity. The creature inside shuffled forward, it's stubby nose sniffing cautiously.

I wasn't sure what it was called, but it appeared to be a ball of black fur, with four stubby legs sticking out like the wobbly legs of an old stool. The sniffing was the calm before the storm.

You see, the little animal was technically illegal in this area of the world, and with good reason. The little critter launched itself at the very colourful set of humans nearby and immediately began to devour their clothes like a piranha lobbed into a tank full of juicy fishies.

It’s first target was a rather haughty looking gentleman with a big feathered hat and a cane. The creature flattened out into a pancake on the man’s leg, rapidly devouring his silk pants. In just a moment, he was flapping in the breeze, and a second strange hungry fluffball detached from the original lump of hungry fur. Wait, oh no. They could multiply? The thief didn’t tell me that.

I lay still on the ground, staring as things rather quickly spiralled out of control. The gentleman was completely naked now, and covering his loins with his hands like that was going to keep the frankly enormous sausage he was packing covered. One of the ladies was the second victim, and she fainted the moment she saw the massive flaccid todger. Soon, she was topless and another clothicide creature was ravaging her friend’s skirt.

People rushed to help the beleaguered nobles, only to find themselves the victims of the fuzzy virus. Well, I had originally planned to film this for my channel, but this content was probably a little too risque for innocent vtuber content.

Before I could become a victim of my own out of control prank, I picked myself up off the ground and rushed away from the scene of the crime. Or at least, I began to… until I noticed that some of the stall owners had abandoned their wares.

A quick glance around told me that nobody was watching me, so I quickly ducked behind a nearby jeweler’s stall and scooped up his coinage. I left the jewelry on the table, as much as I wanted to take it, because I wasn’t confident I could swipe it without getting caught. I was actually quite proud of my restraint. It wasn’t like me to pass up that kind of opportunity.

Still, I ran towards the place that the thief had told me to wait once I’d found and set off a distraction. I just hoped he could capitalise on the mayhem I had caused.

****

An hour later, inside a small courtyard several blocks from the market, three thieves tumbled through the archway I was waiting beside. The thief I knew was one of them, but the other two were new to me. One was a guy, the other was a girl, and both were pretty.

The two I didn’t know grinned at me from beneath their hoods, and the boy reached out to give me an ecstatic pat on the shoulder.\

“My god, what a distraction,” he laughed, his blue eyes sparkling with mirth. “That was fuckin’ mental, like oh my god. We got such a good haul from that!”

“Aye, we did,” the thief rumbled, sounding amused, but not to the hyperactivity levels of the other two. “I suspect a great many adventurers will be making a lot of money in the clean up efforts.”

“I got some stuff too,” I said, feeling shy in front of the two other thieves. Something about them told me they were players, not NPCs.

“Oh?” the thief leader asked, tilting his head in interest.

I nodded and pulled the coin box I’d swiped, presenting it to him. “Uh, I figure I should give it to you? To split with the rest of the stuff?”

Both the other thieves were smiling with even more enthusiasm now, and they turned to the shadowy thief expectantly.

“Well,” he said, a smile in his tone. “It seems you have passed the test.”

“The… test?” I asked, glancing between the three of them nervously.

“It’s how you become a proper, full member,” the girl told me, pushing her hood back to reveal elfin ears and pretty blonde hair. She looked like a stereotypical excruciatingly pretty half elf girl, but with a little twirling tattoo curling around her green right eye. It was a rose’s stem, I think, thorns and everything.

She was about as tall as me too, as was the boy, who also pushed his hood back. He looked similar to her, although unlike her he had more of a dirty blonde quality to his hair.

“Are you brother and sister?” I asked, glancing between them curiously.

The boy shook his head and chuckled. “Nah, it’s just what our race looks like. We’re Durvian Elves. Our homeland is meant to be deep in the ice wastes in the south of Pagutum, but obviously they don’t really want to let us live there so, you know.”

“Back to the matter at hand,” the thief man said, still with his hood up and his shadows hiding his face. “The test is to see if you are willing to give up any spoils you might gain during a job. We need to know you’ll treat the guild with honesty.”

You have completed a quest: Join the Thieves Guild of Loury.

You passed the hidden test to join the Thieves Guild of Loury! You are now a fully fledged junior member, which comes with a wide variety of perks!

400 Experience gained!

You have gained a level! You are now level 12!

“Oh,” I mumbled, swiping the notification away. “So uh, what are the perks then?”

“We’ll talk about it when we get to the Spinning Coin,” he murmured, turning on his heel. “Follow.”

“What’s the Spinning Coin?” I asked, turning to the guy player. “Oh um… and my name is Esmie.”

“Hey Esmie,” he said, offering a hand to shake. “I’m Sandy, and my bestie here is Shiori. As for the Spinning Coin, it’s the tavern that’s the front for the thieves guild around here. The current one, anyway. We have to move every now and then. We have proper safe houses too, obviously, but everyone likes to hang at the Coin instead.”

“Because of the music and the booze,” Shiori giggled, throwing me a wink. “It’s one of the taverns that us players have influenced.”

“Oh, cool!” I exclaimed, bouncing excitedly now. A den of thieves and a club? That was like a million new experiences to dive into!

The Coin turned out to be only a few blocks from home, which meant that I might be able to drink a bunch. It was an outwardly run down place that belied its wild interior. It still had a lot of the dark, cramped atmosphere of a typical medieval tavern, but it also had a lot of modern features too.

I could see a dance floor dug into the ground to the right, which I suspected went underneath the building next door. Magic lamps kept the place reasonably brightly lit at this time of day, although they’d probably end up dimming later in the night. They had proper toilets too, at least if the gendered and non gendered signage above a hallway at the back was to be believed.

The bar ran along the left hand side of the wide room. It had the usual stools and taps for the various alcohols they served, as well as a kitchen that could be seen through an open doorway. The rear of the room was dedicated to a warren of booths and tables, all separated by dark cloth curtains and thin wooden screens. That was obviously where all the dastardly thievery happened.

The thief led us across the open area and into the booth area, settling us down in one near the back. “The screens have been enchanted to absorb sound and obfuscate spoken word. None will be able to overhear discussions within the Den, so we may speak candidly.”

“Oh, cool,” I said, sliding in beside Sandy as the curtain fell back into place, cocooning the four of us in a place of relative sanctuary.

“So, Esmie,” the thief said, leaning forward. “You’re going to join us, so you must know the rules.”

Oh damn, right to business. Okay.

He nodded at the expression I must have pulled, but continued unabated. “The first and most important rule is thus, all members of the guild involved in a job will receive equal pay. The organiser of the job, if there is one, receives two portions. That would be me, this time.”

“The second rule is to never steal from the guild, the poor, or those protected by the guild,” Shiori said from her seat opposite me. “We run a protection racket with the shops around here, although we don’t control the criminal underworld over the whole city.”

“Indeed,” the shadowy thief nodded, his voice rumbling. “The third rule is that we never steal from the guard.”

“Oh, can I do the fourth?” Sandy asked, bouncing in his seat. “The fourth rule is that disputes within the guild are settled with talk, never a blade. No stabbery between members.”

“Those are good rules,” I said, smiling at all of them in turn. “I uh… accept?”

“Good, good,” the thief murmured, still not removing his shadowy hood. He did reach into his cloak, though, and began to deposit various valuables on the table. “Now it’s time to count the spoils.”

“This is the good part,” Sandy said in a stage whisper while nudging me with an elbow conspiratorially. His blue eyes were crinkled up into a grin that had me smiling back. I hoped I could make friends with these two thieves. They were nice. Nice and also cute.