Weekly Update - 6-5-2021 (Status update, some personal thoughts) (Patreon)

Hey everyone. Not too much to write about this week on the development front; I've just about finished catching up on implementing all the animations Orex has been working on, and Orex is nearly done with the final Edovex BE animation, so fans of the Edovex have a lot to look forward to in v0.45. Red is making solid progress on the Azulisk CG, and I'm nearly done writing it, so we should hopefully have a preview to share on that CG soon.

This week wasn't super great for me, my sleep troubles have been flaring up on top of everything else, but I'm doing my best to keep things moving. I'm mostly working on writing, between the Azulisk CG and story scripts, rather than actual in-engine development. It's equally important work, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it matters nearly as much? I'm not sure why, maybe just because it's not directly creating content for you guys to play. Either way, it needs to get done, and I'm slowly making progress on it.

The good news is that my doctor's appointment is happening this week. I have no clue what exactly the appointment will entail, or what the results will be. I think it's very likely that this first visit will just be information gathering, so to speak, and I won't get any sort of treatment/medication until a followup visit, but it's been so long since I've seen a doctor of any kind that I'm just not sure. Either way, though, I'm equal parts anxious and excited to finally get the ball rolling.

Alright, this is all going to be personal stuff from here on out, and it's a bit of a read, so don't feel like you HAVE to read it, but I want to get some thoughts out. Don't worry, there's nothing bad here, but it's stuff that's been on my mind for years and I think writing it all out will do me some good.

I've been relatively secretive about my health and mental issues for most of this game's development, and to be honest it still feels a little weird to be open about it sometimes. There's always a worry in the back of my mind that it'll come across like I'm making excuses, or trying to pander for sympathy points, but the more I think about it.. honestly, I think I'm okay with it if some people think that's the case. I can't be likable or trustworthy to everybody, and I'll run myself ragged if I try to do that. I look around at all of my peers and friends in the NSFW game dev space, and seeing the kinds of struggles they're going through behind-the-scenes is such an odd experience. As friends, we share our struggles more openly and we support each other as best we can; but as creators, we often hide that away in favor of having a sparkly clean public image where we work tirelessly, 12+ hours a day, to create content. To both newcomers and veterans in game dev, myself included, it creates an immense pressure to "keep up" and probably contributes heavily to a lot of the mental issues and depression that people like me suffer from.

Chasing productivity can be valuable, but when it starts to come at the cost of your health - whether mental, physical, or otherwise - is that really worth it? Some people can work 12 hours a day and still have a healthy life outside of it; heck, some days even I can put in 14+ hours and feel great after.. but other days even getting 2 hours of solid work out of myself feels like pulling teeth. And the thing I keep needing to tell myself is, that's okay. If I look at my productivity on a daily basis, days like those feel like the end of the world, and it quickly devolves into a spiral of guilt and depression and just general awfulness. But looking back on the things I've created, with the help of so many other amazing and talented people, and the support of all of you unbelievably kind folks supporting us both on and off Patreon, how can I justify feeling anything but proud? CPE is an amazing game, and just because it's taking longer than I'd like doesn't take away from that. If anything, the fact that it exists despite all of my issues says so much. I could've just given up, during all of those depressive episodes, but no matter how much they try to take me down, I've always gotten back up, every single time, even if it took me a while to find the strength.

The point I really want to make is, if me being more open about my mental health and struggle to be productive can make even one other person understand that it's okay to struggle sometimes, and you can still make a successful game even if the productivity just.. won't come out some days, or weeks, or even months, then I think that's worth it, even if it makes me seem untrustworthy to some folks. Creating things is already hard, and we don't need to make it any harder on ourselves by being unrealistic about what we can accomplish; everyone works at their own pace, and someone who takes the time to understand and respect their own pace, rather than beating themselves over the head because they can't be faster, will ultimately come out ahead of someone who burns themselves out because of the pressure and ends up quitting.

That was kind of a long-winded tangent, and I thank you if you bothered to read any of it. I'll try not to apologize for not having a better weekly update than this; I do that a lot, and it's probably not a healthy mindset to have. So instead of being sorry, I'm going to be thankful instead; I cannot possibly overstate how much it means to us that you give us the time and support we need to not only work on the game, but to work on ourselves, so that we can become better people and better developers and deliver the game that you all deserve.

Thank you all, so much. <3 We'll see you in next week's update. Hopefully it will be an exciting one!