Be Gay, Do Crimes - A Ryou and Company oneshot (Patreon)

A oneshot for our December winner - Callie Q! Hope you enjoy it!

“What are you guys doing?”

Ryou and Genma froze, attempting to sink into the shadows cast by the Nekozawa compound’s large walls without moving. Apparently it didn’t work because Kourubi and Mai continued to stare at them. 

“I’m plotting some possibly petty revenge against my awful parents,” Ryou explained in a dramatic stage whisper. 

“Okay...but why? Didn’t you verbally kick their ass after Pein’s invasion? Figured you were pretty well and done with their nonsense after that,” Mai said, arms crossed in such a way that it showed off her biceps. Ryou was never really sure if she meant to do that, or if she was just totally unaware of how she was throwing her jacked-ness in everyone’s faces. 

“They tried to pick Umeko up from daycare,” Genma explained, biting down on the senbon that perpetually dangled from his mouth. “Luckily, the folks at the daycare have a list of folks who are allowed no contact with Umeko, but that could have been a huge shit storm.”

Ryou grinned. “So we’re going to give them a literal shit storm.”

Kourubi narrowed her eyes critically. “How?”

“By stealing every litter box from the compound so the cats have nowhere to piss or shit but the floor.”

Kourubi and Mai stared at him in disbelief. Ryou had always been what one might consider ‘chaotic’ (hell, the whole team was that way) but this was absolute insanity. 

“Ryou.” Kourubi sounded like the most disappointed and confused mother in the history of maternity. “What?!” 

Ryou simply shrugged. “Be gay. Do crimes.”

Mai snickered, turning to Kourubi. “Well, can’t argue with that.”

Kourubi rolled her eyes at both of them. “You do realize that the compound is like, five square miles of nothing but buildings and stupid fancy gardens, right? There’s no way the two of you can remove *every single* litter box in the compound. You’ll need help.”

Ryou’s eyes went wide. He looked to Genma, who seemed, surprisingly, less shocked by Kourubi’s implication than Ryou or Mai did. He looked more like he was damn proud of Kourubi or something.

“What are you implying, Kourubi?” Ryou asked cautiously.

Kourubi grinned, and Ryou wondered if she always had such sharp canines, or if it was something she somehow inherited from spending too much time with Naruto. “Be gay, do crimes.”

When Ryou’s parents came home from their meeting with their latest client, they found the compound in utter chaos. Bird shit lined every pathway and dripped from every roof and coated every statue. Cats ran about in an almost feral manner, one even stopping to shit right in front of Nekozawa Nadeshiko’s feet. Servants told tale of a sudden bear attack on the food stores as well, and the disappearance of all the litter boxes.

They’d seen no culprits, only the animals. Many of the family members cried about ruined clothing from the birds and the cats. The compound was in near ruins. It would take days if not weeks to clean everything up.

From a rooftop just a few buildings down, Mai passed Ryou an open bottle of rum as the four criminals celebrated their victory.