FAILED PROJECT FRIDAY: More defunct pitches for DIRTY PAIR short stories (pt. 3 of 4)! (Patreon)

As I flailed about desperately for a post last month, I dug up an old Word doc from the early 2000s which rattled off 13 different plots for Dirty Pair stories, back when I had access to the DP English-language license and was trying to get something new off the  ground with Dark Horse. After a grueling and unpleasant experience grinding out the artwork for the final published DP miniseries, Run from the Future, I no longer had any interest in drawing the Lovely Angels' adventures, but was very much interested in writing more  such stories. Needless to say, this effort came to naught for a number of different reasons I don't have the time to detail this morning.

BTW, the Dirty Pair images in the gallery above were drawn by my old buddy and frequent collaborator, Ryan Kinnaird:

I'd hoped to get Ryan approved to draw Dirty Pair stories written by me, but that effort went nowhere. And now, on to more unused synopses for DP short stories that never came to be, interspersed with more Ryan art:

“A BRIEF HISTORY OF KEI”

            A wee “character study,” this story shares some elements in common with version B) of the earlier “YOU CAN’T STOP KEI” plotline. Basically, in the course of 24 pages,  this story tries to tell Kei’s “herstory” (as opposed to, ahem, history) with a series of one- or two-page vignettes from various points in her life.  

            Events and anecdotes include: the fact that she was born, genetically upgraded, in an synthetic womb (as were most of her artificially-engineered “baby boom” generation); a look at her childhood, growing up in a hazardous space habitat with neither mother nor sisters, but a big family full of boisterous, aggressive, obnoxious male siblings (which forced her to become a “tomboy” par excellence); her first encounter with her polar opposite and lifetime best friend, Yuri, at a boarding school for genetic upgrades: her adolescent discovery, as her body matured, of her newfound “power as a sexual being” (in a later segment, Yuri opines that Kei has never gotten out of this adolescent sexual phase); and several segments about her life as a danger-seeking 3WA operative…

            So, as a “character piece,” this story deals with a wide variety of issues: humor, pathos, and speculative science (in regards to Kei’s spacefaring milieu), as well as a bit o’ action (during some of the 3WA-related vignettes). In other words, folks, this story’s got it all. Well, in theory, at least…

“STARCROSS’D”

            This is the Yuri equivalent of the “BRIEF HISTORY OF KEI” story, but with a somewhat different point. Over the course of  nineteen years, this story parallels Yuri’s development with that of one “Hiroyuki,” a male who may well be Yuri’s ideal mate. Really. As we see, via alternating panels or pages, the two share broadly similar backgrounds and experiences: both are genetically upgraded, are of Japanese descent, are highly intelligent products of spacefaring cultures, and both grow up to lead action-packed careers.

            Over the course of years, the narrative primarily compares their attitudes toward, and experiences with, the opposite sex. From embarrassing childhood crushes to fumbling adolescent sexual encounters to (ha ha) “grown-up” relationships, Yuri and Hiroyuki are compared and contrasted. Eventually, they both begin to sound rather eerily like each other’s description of the “perfect partner”… Hmm. They must be, like, destined for each other! Aww…

One little problem, alas. Yuri becomes a trouble consultant for the pangalactic 3WA, while Hiroyuki becomes an elite SpecForce military operative for a violently nationalistic government. Collision course, ahoy! When these starcross’d (theoretical) “perfect lovers” finally do meet, it’s in a (pardon the phrase) veritable orgy of violence! AIEEE! The story closes with all opportunities missed, showing a badly wounded Hiroyuki recovering from the destruction of his SpecForce unit, venomously swearing vengeance against the “goddamned Dirty Pair… Especially that frickin’ Japanese one…”   

“FAMISHED”

            This plotline is a kinda-sorta attempt at a Dirty Pair “horror story,” believe it or not. The atmosphere is moody, dimly lit, darkness all around. Plenty o’ spotting o’ blacks on the page, in other words. Get out the Higgins Black Magic and the big brush, kids.

            The story opens with Yuri, undercover as a glamorous socialite, being covertly transported to the secluded estate of Cruelly Handsome and Obscenely Rich Dude. Instead of being set in a dark, threatening, lightning-lit and lonely wilderness, the estate is located on a dark, threatening, lonely asteroid habitat… but the atmospheric effect is, I hope, the same. Her blindfold lifted, Yuri finds herself at a luxuriously appointed table for a dinner alone with the Cruelly Handsome and Obscenely Rich Dude.

            Yuri plays her socialite role to the hilt, trading witty repartee and urbane flirtation with the charming yet somehow vaguely threatening Cruelly Handsome. The dinner is, of course, a spectacular display of the estate staff’s culinary and oenological skills; in particular, Cruelly Handsome keeps asking Yuri’s opinion of the main course, a sumptuous meat dish of some ill-defined sort… Later, the host invites Yuri down to the wine cellar, to select “the perfect after-dinner sauterne.” Don’t go in the cellar, Yuri!

            But she does, of course. Downstairs, Cruelly Handsome’s sociopathic tendencies are revealed, as he calmly shows Yuri how he treats his defeated enemies. Abducted rivals are held prisoner in the cellar, and agonizingly “harvested” for their meat (without anaesthetic, needless to say), which is lovingly prepared for meals by the estate staff. Using state-of-the-art 22nd-century medical technology, Cruelly Handsome then regenerates the victims before they can die, restoring their flesh so that he can harvest it once again. One former business rival, he explains, has been providing him with delicious cuts of meat for over twenty years.

            Appalled, Yuri collapses, possibly vomiting up her entrée, only to find that she’s apparently been drugged during dinner. Cruelly Handsome gloats that no one knows she’s at the estate, that he’s aware of  her true identity, that she’ll go well with fava beans and a nice Chianti. (Maybe not that exact phrasing…) “Oh, perhaps you were anticipating rescue by your little 3WA partner?” he mocks, dragging her to a nearby “harvesting stall”… where Kei lies strapped down, minus a leg!  (Cue Psycho theme!)

            “You just ate her for dinner!” Cruelly Handsome crows, as Yuri almost certainly throws up this time. Well, things look grim indeed for our heroines… But, as it turns out, Cruelly Handsome ate Kei’s flesh as well, which was impregnated with some very nasty little 3WA toys… and so, Grand Guignol ensues! Break out those old Gallagher-era plastic sheets, folks, as events get real messy indeed…

UPDATE: In a wan attempt at Patron engagement, I might as well ask which story concept you fine folks might've preferred to see developed into an actual comic. Personally, I'd prefer one of the first two plots based mostly on the "writerly" opportunities for characterization, but you might well feel differently. (The cannibalism one's pretty g-d gross, gotta say.) Lemme know, won't you?

Anyhoo, that's three more Dirty Pair story concepts down, and three more left to go, including one that I actually did some roughs for! (Well, sorta; they were effectively Distressed Damsels commissions.) I'll straggle out the rest of these puppies over the next month or so, okay?

NEXT TIME ON THIS HERE PATREON: No idea, TBH, but something should be coming up in the next M/W/F slot. Let's find out together, shall we?