Boundaries (Patreon)

My family just lost their "having me in their lives" privileges!

My cousin's graduation is soon. I had decided that I will either get there through public transport, or I'm not coming at all. After seeing that getting there by bus and train wasn't a plausible option, I informed my family group chat (my mom and sister) that I'm not coming. When mom asked whether I'd need a ride, I told them that my therapist doesn't recommend that I should travel with them after what happened in London.

 I haven't told you about it in detail yet, but we went to London together as a family last summer. My sister was turning 30 and really wanted to go, but didn't want to go alone. So as my birthday gift to them both, I paid for our mother's ticket on top of my own to make the family trip possible.

In London, we tried to have a good time and do family activities. All being fond of history, we went to see a beautiful old church. I kept my hat off, of course, it would be rude and disrespectful to wear your hat inside a church. We were taking pictures in the areas where photography was permitted. I wanted to take a picture of the ceiling lighting, and I needed both hands. I didn't know where else to put my hat, so I decided to hold it by the rim with my teeth for the 30 seconds it would take to snap the picture.

My sister saw this, marched up to me and without saying a word, slapped my hat from my teeth onto the church floor hard enough to make my tickets and all such things that were inside the hat scatter. I was startled and baffled, asking why she did that and protested that it was uncalled for. Our mother swooped in to her defense.

"She was only trying to correct you."

Later on, we were eating at a restaurant. I had the toughest pizza in history, and while struggling to cut it, I managed to rip it apart and some of the pieces scattered on the floor. Defeated and beaten down, I gave up trying to eat. One piece had fallen beside my foot. I wanted to pick it up, bur being used to my family berating me for anything I tried to do, I figured they would scold me if I did.

When my sister told me to pick it up, I broke down completely.

I wasn't just sobbing, but stammering and shaking uncontrollably, physically incapable of holding the outpour back. I was so desperate to calm myself down that I clawed my scalp hard enough to draw blood, begging them to just tell me what the fuck they want me to be like, how they want me to be and act to be and do to be good enough for them. I told them that I felt no matter what I did, they would criticise me for it.

They calmly, angrily told me that they had never done such things, that the way I was feeling was completely incorrect, and right now they wanted me to calm down and stop being dramatic, I was embarrassing them. The waitress looked genuinely unsettled and concerned for my wellbeing, while my family was only annoyed with me.

So that was what I was referring to when I referred to London. My sister responded with "well you were the one who wanted to come along" and a passive-aggressive thumbs-up emoji, as if I had forced my way to her fun birthday vacation that would have been nice without me, and therefore it's my own fault if I had a horrible time there. She said that it was low and childish to "hide behind my therapist" instead of discussing things openly like adults.

Our mother chimed in to say that it's very sad if we can't all just get along when our family is so small, but agreed that maybe it is for the best to let the dust settle before we can spend time together again. No intention of an apology, or aknowledgement that anyone had done anything wrong, other than my emotional outbursts. I had no intention to apologise for being upset or feeling hurt.

And that was it. I was done. I left the group chat, blocked them both, and I am never speaking to my family again. And I know if my family sees this, they will try to shame me for "airing out our dirty laundry" by publicly talking about the things they did in public.

 And this is how I am settling it.