I Shouldn't Have Been A Girl - Part 4 (Patreon)

OTHER PARTS | ALL STORY LIST

I refused to let Rusty come back with me. This is my battle." He motioned for me to follow him. We wound up in his office.

"I spoke with Sharon yesterday and with a psychiatrist in your state's division of children's services this morning." I stiffened and stared at him. "They are not as optimistic as you about the outcome of your planned trip. Both are very concerned about your safety."

"Are they planning on interfering?"

"Sharon won't, despite her misgivings, and I did not give the psychiatrist enough information to identify you. He stated that, based on what I said about my letter and diagnosis, there is no way they would allow you to return to your parents. "They would have you placed immediately in state custody and begin criminal proceedings against your parents, with or without your consent." Dr. Willis looked at my pained reaction. "In simple terms, if you remain unharmed, it will be either a private agreement between you and your parents or a very ugly, very public fight. "One which, unfortunately, Rusty will be drawn into, as at least a witness."

"What about emancipation?"

"Because you have not attended school this year and there will be far too many questions about your appearance, the state will probably be drawn into the situation. And they are adamant about wanting to get involved. I don't think they understand very well the type of position you are in. "So they react the same in all cases, whether or not police intervention is warranted."

"So you are telling me not to go back." He looked pained.

"No, I am telling you what I have learned." He handed me three large, sealed envelopes. "These are copies of the letter and the medical and psychological evaluations you requested. All three are signed and notarized, making them legal documents. "Once they are out of your hands, there is nothing I or anyone else will be able to do until all the police and other official types have completed their requirements. He looked at me sadly. "You are planning on bluffing with a loaded gun. Think very carefully about what you are about to do. "Both for your own safety and for the effect it may have on Rusty."

He gave me a hug. "I have purchased you a bus ticket and will pick you up at seven on Sunday morning. If you decide not to go, I will understand. Either way, you have my wish for a safe journey."

We shook hands, and I shook with chills despite the warm day as I headed to my room to pack for the trip.

Tammy and her friends would not let me out of their sight, claiming I needed their companionship. I suspected that Dr. Willis had told them to keep a close eye on me. But no one confessed, and their companionship kept some of the demons and fears at bay. Packing was easy; having a few clothes helped. The others insisted on augmenting my meager wardrobe. Tammy insisted on storing my camping gear, saying that way I would at least have to come back and visit. I did a lot of crying when she said it.

True to his word, Dr. Willis appeared in front of the dormitory early Sunday morning. He insisted we eat a hearty breakfast, and I said a lot of goodbyes to friends I was afraid I would never see again. I cried as we drove out the gate.

The trip to Montpelier was a blur. Dr. Willis understood my need for silent meditation. He had some surprises for me at the bus station. "Alexi, I have made reservations for you and paid in advance for a room for a week at a small motel in your hometown." He handed me a piece of paper. "This is the information you will need to check in. The bus ticket is round-trip. No matter what happens, you have become a special person to me and to several others at Janbury. Please keep all of us, including Rusty, informed on what is happening. Good luck."  He gave me a hug before he drove off. I took a deep breath and headed inside to register.

I was exhausted when the bus arrived in the all-too-familiar Midwestern town I used to call home. I was nervous that someone might recognize me, but I remained an anonymous teenager as I called a cab and headed for the hotel. My plans were still fuzzy, but I knew I needed to be awake and at my best for whatever occurred. Signing in was easier than I thought, and after a snack in their so-so restaurant, I turned up the air conditioning, showered, donned the nightgown that Tammy had given me, and quickly drifted off to sleep.

I managed to get up for dinner, which was slightly better than lunch, and make it back to the room intact. The weather was muggy, with thunderstorms. With the air conditioning at maximum, it was good for sleeping.

On Wednesday, I faced the mirror and myself. I was shaking despite the humid warmth. But I knew it was time. I was too nervous to eat breakfast, but I managed a roll and some tea in the coffee shop. I was dressed, thanks to the others, in a very feminine sundress, with stockings and high-heeled sandals that accentuated my legs. From the hair to my toes, there was no trace that I was, or ever had been, anything other than a girl. I stocked my shoulder bag and made sure I had one copy of Dr. Willis's paperwork with me. I looked older than sixteen. and felt ancient.

With a final sigh, I left the room and began my walk to the public library. Of all the places in town, that was the most visible and, I hoped, the safest. They were just opening when I arrived, and I quickly found a public telephone. Three rings later, I heard the voice I had never wanted to hear again.

"Richards Engineering, Angela Moore speaking, how may I direct your call?"

"Hello mother.  This is your daughter, Alexi." There was dead silence at the other end of the line, followed by a clatter as she dropped the telephone. When she picked up the telephone again, her voice was shaking. "Alex, my God, are you okay? "Where are you?"

"The name is Alexi, mother. And I am fine. I need to meet with you and Dad today. "We have a lot that needs to be discussed privately. My rehearsed mental script was talking for me.

"Where are you?" She sounded frantic.

"Where I am now is of no importance. I want to meet you and Dad this afternoon, at least at the pancake house across from city hall. And do not bring anyone else with you. "What we need to talk about is between us, unless you want to have your private lives placed on display for the world." I could hear the gasp as what I was saying sank in. "Do you understand?"

"Can't we meet somewhere more private?" "I can pick you up and take you.

"No.  You and Dad, both of you and no one else. At one.  I have to go now. Be there.  Or else."  I hung up the phone and stood there shaking. Then the terror of what I was doing hit, and I dashed madly for a restroom. I was glad I had eaten lightly.

At twelve-thirty, I seated myself on a bench to the side of city hall, out of the main traffic pattern but with a view of the restaurant, and waited. Just before one, I spied what looked like Mom's car pulling up, and Dad got out. He waited at the door as she drove off. A few minutes later, she walked around the corner and joined him. They were both searching the noontime crowd carefully for some sign of me. Shouldering my purse and praying that I was doing the correct thing, I made my way to the street and crossed with the light. I was almost there when they realized who I was.

"An Al... Alex?" Mom was stuttering, and Dad looked like I was a ghost.

"Alexi, mother.  Shall we go inside? I have reservations for three." I strode past them, afraid to turn my back, yet more afraid to face them. We were immediately taken back to the booth I had reserved. They were seated on one side. I commandeered the other. "Before you say anything further, I recommend that we order, so we will not be disturbed." They nodded mutely. "Please be aware that I expect you to pay for your meal. I will, if necessary, pay for mine separately."

Mom started to say something, but Dad cut her off. "Alex, of course, we will pay for lunch." It was the most empathic I had seen him in years.

"My name is Alexis, not Alex." I looked at Mom. "Your daughter."  Dad's expression was one of horror. Mom had to force herself to breathe. "Please address me properly. It will make things easier for all of us."

The waiter appeared, and we all managed to order something from the menu.

"Alex, er, Alexis, we've been worried sick since you disappeared." Mom was desperately trying to start a conversation.

"I go by Alexi now, and I really doubt you were that worried. "I have never been listed as a runaway or missing person. It came out acidic. They both winced.

"We hired private detectives, but they said that there was absolutely no trace of where you had gone, except that your friend Ruth-something disappeared at the same time, and they thought you two might have run off together." Dad nodded.

"Rusty is her name, and she's fine." They looked narrowly at me. "And I know what you did to me and why." Mom turned pale and started to cry. Dad just put his head in his hands.

He was the first one to speak. "After you left, I wanted to kill myself for what I had let happen to you." Mom looked sadly at him. "But instead, I went and saw a lawyer and filed divorce papers." Mom hid her face in her napkin.

"We wound up together in therapy. And I realized what we had done was out of cowardice and spite. So we hired a private investigator to try and find you, and we were afraid that you had been hurt or killed, and we would never have a chance to explain, apologize, and try to make up for what we have done." Mom's words poured out. Dad looked sadly at me and nodded.

"No one can make up for what you have done. "Mom got her wish; I am no longer a functional male." Mom broke down, and Dad just hung his head as he held her.

And all of the anger and bitterness suddenly drained out of me. What the hell good was revenge anyway? Dr. Willis was right. And he knew I would have to learn about it all by myself.

I got up, moved to their side of the table, and hugged Mom and Dad. which caused Dad to start to cry and Mom to grab me and wail. I had to shoo off the waitress, who thought someone had been injured. Our food was cold before they were able to regain their composure. I wondered why I was suddenly calm.

Then it came to me. I was free. of anger at what had happened and of struggling against myself as Alexi, the girl who's not a boy.

"Mom, Dad, can you accept that I forgive you?" That got the tears started again. including some of mine. I made sure that I had the envelope with Dr. Willis's paperwork carefully secured in my purse when we left the restaurant. Dad finally had to re-order our food. And by then, we all felt like eating.

I was back home—it felt funny to call it home again—with them. The house and my room were just as I had left them, with the posters and girls' clothing missing. "We tried to put everything back the way we thought you'd want it if you ever came back." Mom suddenly stared at me. "You are coming back..."

I shook my head, and she grabbed Dad, and they looked at me with fear in their eyes. "I was going to come back and blackmail you into paying for me to go to school at a place where I can learn how to be a proper young lady and where I can get counseling to help me work through all the pain and fears. "Now I don't know what to do." I sat at my old desk.

"If there is something we can do, tell us, please." The looks on their faces were genuine. I nodded and began my story.

"... and so Dr. Willis wrote up the diagnosis at my request and sent me off with his cautions, especially about my motives for coming back to face you. And he was right. "Revenge only leaves more wounds." They were watching me intently.

"Of course, we will pay for your staying there." Dad got out of bed. "It will take a few days, and probably a second mortgage, but if it will help at all, you can have everything we own." Mom nodded.  Suddenly, I felt bad.

"I don't want to leave you two destitute or..." Dad waved at me to relax.

"It may mean we must work a few more years before retiring. "Which is a lot better than dying from our own shame and guilt?" He held Mom. "Now, is there something you would like to do while we try to keep apologizing?"

I checked out of my motel room that evening and slept in my old bed again. Mom and Dad took the rest of the week off "for medical reasons," and I got a chance to meet their psychiatrist, who promised me that she would not do anything with the child protection people. I guess having her talk to Dr. Willis convinced her that getting them involved would only result in my being denied the support I needed.

It was with hugs and tears that I boarded the bus back to Janbury. Mom and Dad had promised to come out and visit me over the Christmas holidays. I had run up their telephone bill without regret one evening, as I brought Rusty and the others up to date on everything. Dr. Willis said he would give me a ride back from the bus terminal and made a request for some real Midwestern cheeses and sausages. Mom and Dad and I made a special trip to Wisconsin, and I bought a shipping case full of goodies for him and for Rusty and her adopted family.

Tammy, Felicity, and several of the other girls were waiting with Dr. Willis when the bus pulled in. They had demanded to come along, so he took one of the school vans. A couple of the girls looked scared to be out in public, but no one seemed to notice anything unusual about several girls hugging and crying on each other's shoulders.

Epilogue:

I graduate this spring along with Tammy and Felicity and a bunch of other girls who are far wiser and more feminine from their stay at Janbury. Mom and Dad will be at the graduation ceremony. So will Nancy, Jonathan, and, of course, Rusty. Other than being separated from me except for vacations, she says she is the happiest she has ever been. She really needed Nancy and Jonathan to be her family. as much as they needed her.

I'm now officially Alexis Johanna Moore. My driver's license says female. So do all my school records. I am going to move in with Rusty and Nancy for a while. Jonathan's business has picked up, so Rusty and I are going to work for him until we have saved up enough to go off to college. and drag Nancy along. Nancy wants to be a teacher, and I'm considering engineering. Rusty, well, she's sort of apprenticed herself by correspondence to Sophia Manyfeathers. So she wants to study native American art and philosophy.

And yes, we went back to see Sophia again. She's a little older but still has that same enigmatic smile. and says I have taken a good path. Wherever it leads She has already woven our marriage basket, even if we never marry. She says our souls will never separate. It is beautiful—a harmony at peace with itself.

Rusty is beginning to sound a lot like her. And Rusty's baskets are so much like hers; they are eerie. Perhaps Sophia has found someone to carry on her traditions. But she will not be carrying them on alone. I still weave on occasion. And Nancy is learning.

The End.