The Real Me - Chapter 13 (Patreon)

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Rachel collected the flowers in the foyer and waited for her taxi. She found the police had departed. She let herself in the house and looked around. The place was a mess. She started in the kitchen and worked her way through the house, removing fingerprint powder and other detritus. At least such menial tasks occupied her mind.

She phoned Richard, thanked him for his hospitality, and said she would sleep at home, just in case Dannie returned. She went to bed physically tired. Rachel slept fitfully, restlessly, nightmare dreams revolving through her head. She would wake from a dream and then fall back into it. She woke after seven as her mobile jumped about.  Sleepily, feeling unrested, she picked it up. ‘Did you see the appeal?’

Anna Rainsford asked. ‘No, I’ve been so tired, I slept in.’ ‘Well, we made an appeal for information. We just had a call with someone who was on the bus with her. Walked with her to Victoria Station. So, she’s alive.’ ‘Was that person reliable?’ ‘Yes, she’s an accountant with a large company, Sian Evans. She told your sister to return home. We just hope there will be more sightings.’ ‘Should I go down to London? While the trail is fresh?’ ‘No, it would be like searching for a diamond on a beach. Stay put. The appeal is on terrestrial TV and satellite. Someone must know where she is.

As soon as I hear anything, I’ll let you know. Trouble is, with such appeals, we always get a lot of nuts phoning in, people who want to feel important or want five seconds of fame. I think we’ll find her soon. I have a hunch, she wants to be found.’ ‘I hope you’re right. I hardly slept.’ ‘I know it’s hard. I’ll keep you right up to date whenever we hear anything.’ Rachel busied herself. She salvaged what she could from the wreckage of Dannie’s room. Some of the furniture was beyond repair. She walked to Nesbitt’s house, three houses away. ‘Hello Mr. Nesbitt,’ she says, ‘I wonder whether you can help me move some furniture if you have time.’

‘Of course, I can. When?’ ‘Now if possible.’ ‘Let me just put shoes on and I’ll be with you. I’ll come round yours?’ ‘Yes please, thank you.’ Rachel returned home and left the front door open for Mr. Nesbitt, newly retired from his railway job. She waited impatiently. Well if Dannie was to be a girl, she really needed new furniture, a new bedroom, carpet, curtains, a vanity and bedspread, nice girly things, especially after the ordeal she had experienced.

She resolved that as soon as the mess had been cleared up, she would make it as beautiful as she could on a limited budget. Her mind was fully occupied with Dannie. She just hoped that the police were really on Daniella’s trail. Mr. Nesbitt arrived. Together they removed the broken furniture, even the bed had a cracked leg, so that too must go. They removed the bed, chair, and what served as a dressing table. The carpet was blood-stained and spoiled. They ripped that up. It all landed in a pile in the small front garden. Rachel would have to take it to the council recycling, piece by piece.

She loaded what she could, the broken bedstead that Nesbitt had dismantled into its components and the rolled carpet. That was the hardest to load. She never realized how heavy and difficult a carpet could be. She drove to the local dump twice before the wreckage was cleared. From there after the last load, she drove to the strip mall. She ordered a new carpet, begged, and cajoled for it to be laid that afternoon. At first, it was impossible, it would take a week before the fitter could come and then three days, after the weekend and then, finally, they phoned a retired carpet layer who was willing to do it that afternoon.

In the local second-hand emporium, she found a nice white and blue dressing table and chair, with a mirror that was clean and unblemished. A bedstead presented the least problem. They too agreed to deliver that afternoon. She bought a new mattress that they managed to squish into her Golf. She found nice readymade curtains in a sale. They were a little long but could be shortened. Rachel was relieved she had achieved so much. The light blue carpet matched the curtains with flowers more or less the same blue.

They could paint the walls white or light pink. The room had to look fresh, so no memory of her father’s destruction and cruelty remained. She and Dannie would decorate too, once Daniella was safely home. Returned home, she had a snack lunch. She checked her mobile and plugged it in to charge. She made sure the home phone was working. She washed away any blood stains from the door and the stair wall. Anna rang again at two o’clock. ‘We’ve had another very reliable report. She bought a mobile in a second-hand store. She promised to meet the guy for lunch but she never showed.

He saw the TV appeal.’ ‘Where?’ ‘Victoria Street. Yesterday, an hour and a half after the first sighting.’ ‘Is the chap reliable?’ ‘Described Daniella to a T.’ ‘So, what now?’ ‘We wait for another sighting, keep looking at CCTV footage in the area. She has no reason to distrust you?’ ‘No, of course not, unless she thinks I let her down. I suppose I did in a way. I was away longer than I thought, but only a night.’ ‘The night when your Dad reappeared, that’s the problem.

He arrived home while you were in the air to LA. She’s out there, feeling alone in the world and fearing that your father is home. I guess that’s why she hasn’t been in touch.’ Anna surmised. ‘And Mum, her attitude. She has been cold and hard, I think trying to discourage Dannie from being trans, but if one is trans, then trans you are.’ ‘Yes of course.’ Anna inwardly sighed. Children’s officer was a much harder post than she had ever imagined. ‘Look, Rachel, I want you to do a TV appeal.

Often these appeals are left for days and we feel that’s too late, the trail has gone cold. You can do it in the local BBC studio and it will go out nationwide. Will you?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ ‘Then I’ll sort it and let you know how it’ll happen.’ ‘I’ve arranged for new furniture and carpet for her room and it’s happening today, so I need to be here.’ ‘Can you get a neighbor in if necessary? The appeal should only take a few minutes, probably late this afternoon, early evening.’

‘Well I have a few friends I can call, but yes, the appeal is the most important, to let her know it’s safe and we love her.’ ‘Good. As soon as I make the schedule, I’ll be in touch on your mobile. In the meantime, you need to think about what you’ll say.’ ‘That’s simple, that Dad is gone away and we love her.’ ‘You hope he’s gone away and for good? We don’t know that. Anyway, I guess that’s what you gotta say. How’s your Mum doing?’

‘I haven’t phoned this morning yet, I think coming out tomorrow. She’ll not be doing much over the next two weeks though. I had a long chat with her and I think she now understands that you can’t change a trans person’s mind. ‘That’s what we were taught in our diversity course. It’s not an addiction like smoking or alcohol.’ Anna replied. ‘Dannie could no more feel happy as a boy than I could. I mean, I never even considered life as a boy and even though I like boys, just as I like dogs and cats, I wouldn’t want to be one.’ Anna laughed. ‘That’s a point of view.

I’m gay. Some people think because I like girls, I want to be a boy. I know some gay girls do go butch, short hair, boyish clothing but even they, don’t actually want to be guys though.’ ‘I like boys. I haven’t a boyfriend at the moment and I’m not pining, but if the right one comes along.

Well, I hope Mr. Right will arrive one day.’ ‘On his white charger, to carry you off?’ Rachel laughs. ‘Better a red Ferrari than a white charger. Do you have a partner Anna?’ ‘Sort of. More a lodger. We both know it’s not right, I’m not the one for her, nor she for me.’ ‘How do gay girls meet.’ ‘Not so easy. Gay clubs and bars maybe. Her, I was in uniform and she came down the street smoking a spliff. I arrested her, stuck her in a cell for two hours, then let her go. Met for a coffee later and we were both attracted, like instantly.

But we are very different. They say differences attract, but when they are too great, those differences drive people apart. Anyway, I have to speak to the BBC, so make arrangements for a sitter for your furnishings. We have to get your little Sis back. I hate it when kids go missing.’ ‘I just want her back.’ ‘I, we are doing our best, really.’ ‘Yes, Anna. Thanks.’ The phone call ended. Rachel felt she should be doing more, but what? She was pleased when the doorbell rang and she found an old guy with the new carpet on the roof of his car.

‘You’ll have to help me get it in and up the stairs, young lady.’ He said. ‘Yes of course.’ Together they wrestled the carpet up the staircase and over the banister and into Dannie’s room. Rachel left him to fit it and made tea for them both, her six or seventh cup of the day. While the carpet fitter worked, the bed arrived in the back of a plain white van. As soon as the fitter departed, Nesbitt helped her move the bed up the stairs and assemble it. He asked about Daniella, and whether the rumors among the neighbors were true. Rachel found it difficult to answer as if she was betraying her young sibling. ‘Yes, she’s finally come out as transgender. I hope she’ll be happier. Well, she was a lot happier until Dad reappeared.’

‘And your Dad? Is this what he did,’ he gestured to the bedroom now being refurbished. ‘Yes. He’s now banned from coming near.’ ‘He always was a one. I would never drink with him in the pub because if you began the evening as his best mate, you would feel his fist by closing time.’ Nesbitt said. ‘Well, I hope little Dannie finds happiness. She was always lost, wasn’t he? I always knew there was something, but a nice kid if you could get through the shell and shyness.

He was never with the boys as a kid, hung about with the girls.’ ‘I suppose she was like lost. Yes, we always knew but it was like there was a wall between us. Now, well I was just getting to really know her.’ ‘Ah.’ Anna called again and summoned Rachel to the local TV studio for the appeal. She left Nesbitt in charge of the house and drove downtown to the studio.

At first, the guard on the gate would not allow her to park but when Rachel insisted, he phoned into the office and relented.  Petty-minded officialdom was something Rachel could have done without, and it had brought her near to tears. The guard apologized, but Rachel couldn’t even bring herself to look at him. In the studio which was a tiny room, filled with people, newspaper reporters and photographers, and a camera crew, she made a short appeal, no more than a minute. By the end, her voice gave way and tears filled her eyes.

She turned away from the camera, ignoring the clamor of voices wanting to know about transgender. Dannie’s transgender status had little to do with the appeal. A missing fourteen-year-old, boy, girl, or whatever, was the subject. Anna escorted her away to privacy. ‘Well done. I know that was hard.’ ‘Those bloody reporters, they always go for the sex angle, don’t they?’ Rachel said bitterly. ‘That’s humans, obsessed with sex. It causes more trouble than anything.’ Anna replied, taking her hand. ‘Sex and religion.

Don’t take it to heart. The appeal will have gone out, I just hope it yields results and we get little Dannie restored to her family. What are you going to do now?’ ‘Go home, relieve Mr. Nesbitt who is sitting in for the last item to be delivered, Dannie’s new dressing table. Then I’ll go to bed.’ ‘Well, have you eaten?’ ‘I had cereal for breakfast.’

‘You need to eat. I’ll pick you up, at half seven. What do you like, Indian, Chinese, Thai, pizza, pasta?’ ‘I’ll not be good company.’ Rachel tries to deflect the invitation. ‘No, probably not.’ Anna smiled. ‘I’ll risk that.’ ‘I should go and see Mum too.’ ‘I can’t argue with that. OK, I’ll pick you up, we go see Mum and then we eat.’

‘You must have better things to do. Your partner.’ ‘Liana? She’ll be out. I told you, it wasn’t working out between us, besides, as Child Protection officer, I want to make sure that not only the child is found but that her family is looked after.’ ‘Oh, I see. It’s professional then?’

‘Yes, and I like you, Rachel.’ Rachel’s embarrassed. ‘I did say I liked boys.’ ‘Does that mean I can’t like you? Do you only have straight friends?’ ‘No, but ‘Do you know how insulting that is?’

‘I’m sorry. I got it all wrong.’ ‘I’m as concerned with Daniella’s wellbeing in the home as finding her. I’m concerned with you all, but I also like you. Starving for a day won’t kill you but having some company might lighten your load and the minute we get any news, I’ll be on hand to tell you. Christ, have you got hang-ups as well as little Sis?

Are you homophobic, think we are all going to jump on your bones?’ ‘No. I have gay friends, well I did at Uni.’ ‘Well then?’ ‘Yes, I’d like to see Mum and then have dinner.’ ‘Seven-thirty, I’ll pick you up. Look nice.’ ‘Why? Where are we going?’ ‘For your mother, look nice for her! You don’t want her to see you as though you’re not coping, do you?

You look like a rag bag.’ ‘I am coping. OK, jeans and Tee, I’ve been moving carpets and things didn’t have time to change.’ Rachel feels ashamed of her appearance. ‘Oh God, I must have looked terrible on TV.’ ‘Too late now, anyway, it was mostly head and shoulders, I was watching the monitor. You’re a good-looking chick, show the World.’ ‘Chick?’ Rachel burst out laughing. Anna punched her on the arm. ‘There you go.’ She said.

Anna picked up Rachel at seven-thirty. By the time they reached the hospital, they would have just fifteen minutes for a visit, curfew being at eight o’clock. Rachel thought that was more than enough time. Rachel had worked another hour on Dannie’s bedroom, doing the best she could to make it feminine, clean, and bright. She made up the bed and turned down the cover. It really needed new linen, sheets, duvet cover, and pillows. It would be more money for her to find.

What it needed now above all, was painted to match the new curtains, but that was something she and Dannie could do together. It would also need more girlie nick-knacks.

They would shop together, at the Mall and online. Rachel looked forward to doing shopping with her, as a bonding exercise. She would admit, that as much as Dannie’s transition was costing, her love for her sibling had increased too. Dannie had gone from being a rather strange, detached, repressed little boy, to be a joyous young girl. She had grown up so much in just four weeks.

A quarter of an hour before their arrival of Anna, Rachel put on a dress and made her face. She did the best she could with her hair, using the styling brush. She examined herself in the mirror. Perhaps she should take more care, of her own pride and as an ambitious young lawyer in a large practice. Richard was a good boss, but she needed to be noticed. Perhaps have her hair restyled, sleek, and neat.

It looked a little greasy too. A new shampoo perhaps. She hated shampoo hunts, one could soon acquire a handful of ones one didn’t like. As soon as Anna drew up to the kerb, Rachel was out of the house, locking the door behind her. She bounced into Anna’s car, slammed the door, and reached for the seatbelt. ‘Wow,’ Anna said. ‘You have scrubbed up nicely.’ ‘I should have done it for the TV appeal.’ ‘Well, you looked OK.

It was expected you would look a bit, frazzled.’ Anna replied, setting the car in motion. She glanced at her companion and was surprised to find Rachel’s face had crumpled. ‘Come on Rachel, be brave, for your Mum. I feel sure we will have a good response from the appeal. Unless she really wants to disappear, she will be found, but I think, running away was a cry for help as much as an escape from your father. Did you hear the news?’ ‘What news?’

‘About treatment of LGBT people, giving them rights against discrimination, protecting them if they want to hold hands, outlawing so-called conversion therapies.’ ‘Conversion therapies?’ ‘Come on Rachel, where have you been? Praying over people, extracting devils or whatever they call it, talking therapies, trying to make gay people hetero or trans-people accept their bodies.

The American Psychiatric Association, I may have that title wrong, outlawed such therapies already.’ ‘Mum spoke of faith healing.’ ‘Crap. Charlatans, I hate those people. They are crooks of the worst kind, preying on sick people, like those Grace and I saw at Lourdes, that place in France people go for a cure, crawling across the square. Grace wanted to do it too, to see if it would straighten us out. See, that’s the sort of girl she is and why we are basically incompatible.’ Rachel had to smile. They came to a stop in a convenient parking spot.

Anna poked Rachel in the ribs. ‘Laughing at my predicament.’ ‘I was just picturing you crawling across that square.’

‘Never happened. It’s good to see a smile.’ She offered Rachel an arm in a very mannish way and Rachel linked arms unthinkingly. Anna chuckled. Rachel looked puzzled and unlinked. ‘You try and act tough, Rache, but you are so a girl.’ Rachel said nothing, but she was blushing. Anna had an attraction, androgynous. Rachel knew there was a girl besides her but sometimes, she felt as though she was in the company of a man.

Anna wore makeup and her hair was long, caught up in a scrunchy on the nape of her neck, and yet, she had this boyish charm. They found Mum sitting up, dressed in a nighty and hospital gown. ‘You’re out of bed then Mum.’ ‘They made me get up and walk about.’ ‘When are you coming out then Mum?’ ‘I don’t know dear. Never mind that, Is Dannie found? I saw your appeal Rachel. I wish I could be there to help you.’ ‘Well Mum, you soon will be. I’ve been thinking, I was going to move out and take Daniella with me but Mum, if you promise not to ever take Dad back, I suggest we sell the house and buy somewhere else.’ ‘Rachel, that was the house I was born in.’ ‘Yes mum, but I don’t want to live there. I don’t think Dannie does and I don’t want to just leave you.’

‘Where would we go?’ ‘We would find somewhere, a nicer district. A new build perhaps, on the other side of town. Our road has gone down Mum. Some of the neighbors are OK but a new start for Daniella and somewhere I can take people home to.’ ‘You could bring people home, now Dad is banned.’ ‘I’m climbing the ladder Mum. I need somewhere more respectable.

I can just go, leave you, but I’d take Dannie with me. I won’t let her down. I don’t want to let you down either. It’s your choice.’ ‘Do you expect me to make up my mind here and now?’ ‘No Mum. I need to get Daniella home first but Mum, my first duty will be to her. She needs all the help she can get and she needs a new start in a new neighborhood where no one knows her or us. She has more than enough to contend with.’ ‘I know that Rachel, but to land this on me now, while I’m here, I think you might have been more thoughtful.’ ‘Mum, I don’t have to be at home.

I came back to help you because Dad was being so useless. I’m not happy at home and nor is Daniella. I’ll move with her, with or without you. You can think about it. If you’re being released, you had better phone me, but there again, if I have news of Dannie, I shall go after her and you will have to get a taxi.’ ‘You still blame me.’ ‘For Dannie running away?

Yes, Mum, I’m afraid I do. You allowed Dad back in the house.’ A nurse came into the six-bed ward. ‘I’m sorry but it’s time to go.’ ‘Mum, I’ll come tomorrow unless Dannie needs me.’ She leans in and kisses her mother. ‘Hope you’re better tomorrow Mum. I’m sorry if I upset you but I’m so worried about little Sis.’ ‘You find Daniella.’ Mother said. ‘Yes, Mum.’

After Rachel had gone, her mother snuggled down under her covers to hide her silent tears. A nurse entered, ‘Mrs. Artherton, do you need pain killers tonight?’ ‘Yes, please nurse.’ She said bravely through her tears. ‘Feeling a bit down are we?’ ‘Yes, worried about my youngest. She’s run away.’ ‘Oh Mrs. Artherton, I’m so sorry. Well we just need to get you better don’t we, so you can get home and look after things.’ ‘The trouble is, I’ve made a mess of things and I don’t know how I’ll put it right.’ The nurse doesn’t say anything. She sits on the bed and holds Mum’s hand. ‘I’m sure Mrs. Artherton, it will sort itself.

You know what they say, things are always darkest before the dawn. Take your tablets,’ She hands her the container and a glass of water. ‘They’ll help you sleep and tomorrow’s another day. She was a naughty girl to run away with you in hospital.’ ‘She’s not naughty, it was my stupidity that allowed her father back in the house and he beat her up.’ The nurse didn’t know what to say. Anna was quiet as they negotiated the corridors and lifts.

They were just out within the half-hour free parking allowance. The arm on the gate raised obligingly and Anna drove smoothly away in what seemed a general exodus. They followed the convoy of other hospital visitors for a half mile and Anna turned off onto a country road. ‘You OK Rachel? You’re very silent.’ ‘Yes, thinking about what happened in there. I’m so annoyed with Mum, I sort of said things I shouldn’t, not while she’s so battered.’ ‘Perhaps it was things needed saying.’ ‘Sure, I don’t regret that but, bad timing. Really Mum should have got rid of Dad long ago. Why do women allow husbands to beat them up and mistreat children?

Surely, that’s a no-go. She makes me mad. It’s been worse because I could do no wrong with Dad. According to him, I was a little princess from being bounced on his knee and riding around on his shoulders at the races, shown off to his scally friends. When I went to school, I came home to near worship from him. Even when I was naughty, he would just playfully smack my bum and laugh. At the same time, he was punching Mum, throwing his dinner out of the window, or crashing into the wall because it was spoiled from being kept warm for hours while he was playing big in the pub.

He even pissed on the carpet, just to upset her.’ ‘And she put up with all that?’ ‘It got worse. Dannie came along when I was ten and on the point of going to secondary school. He was OK until five or six. I was then according to Dad, a young lady, anyway, a not unattractive schoolgirl. I had played dress-up with Dannie from, well, when he was three or four.

He would always choose something girlie, silky, or nice colors, never anything boyish. It used to drive Dad mad and he’d smack, tell Dannie to get his arse upstairs and come back looking like a boy.’ ‘And that didn’t discourage Dannie?’ ‘No, he would go up and sulk in his room, stay in girl mode. Then Dad would go up and thrash him.

Tears and screams, mother shouting at Dad and receiving a thrashing in return, especially when Dad had been on the grog. I’d go out, or shut myself in my room, headphones on and work at my books. When I could, I’d go in and cuddle Dannie. If he was very upset, he’d come in and sleep with me. He’d beg a nightie. I tried not to indulge him, but, well, you can’t can you, deny a kid what they so want. Mum and I discussed it.

We didn’t know whether it was a phase or what. I think Mum daren’t really ask Dannie about it for fear of what he would say or ask for, and then she would have to give in and Dad would go berserk, with both of them.’

‘So, he’s always been like this?’ Anna asked. ‘Dannie got to eight years and I went to Uni. Mum says his dressing up seemed to stop, but I don’t think it really did. I would come home in the holidays from Uni and things in my drawers were not quite right, not in the order I would have put them. I’m a bit OCD, not so much now, I think getting away from home at eighteen, it wasn’t such a thing, but like my knickers were all in order and in a special place, the right-hand side of the top drawer and my bras on the left.

If I put a bra on before my pants, I’d feel wrong all day. So, I noticed things weren’t right.’ ‘Doesn’t make you a nutter and you’re clearly not.’ Anna said. ‘Here we are.’